To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

[MissPronounced]

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

I think that hard as it is, people tell you who they are and you have to listen. It would be easy to push what he said to the back of your mind and keep plodding on in this relationship. It's almost guaranteed that it will fizzle out in the next ten years, and involve a break up full of resentment and regret. Don't waste that time with him, please.

You have done so very well to get yourself better and do so well at your career. You are a huge catch and someone else will snap you up and treasure you. You might well always feel sad that this relationship didn't survive but i'll bet in time you'll be relieved too. Could you have some therapy to support you through breaking up with him?

I wish you luck, i know this is very painful but you can do it. You deserve far more.

You are in the same place I was eight years ago. With someone who wasn't sure what he wanted. He talked about kids and marriage but when confronted couldn't commit. We were together for nearly six years. When we split up I thought I would never find anyone. Six months later I met my DP, been very happy and have 2 children together now. Not married but he tells me all the time he wants to be together forever. Something my ex couldn't do even though he had proposed but would never set a date.

That's a very big age gap. Maybe not so much now but when you are older. When you are 57 he will be 73... Have you considered that?

I was in a similar situation and hung on for far too long. XP ended up seeing a woman of his own age, divorced and with children (just like him!) behind my back.

Please don't waste time on him. As someone has already said, people tell you who they are. You need to listen and understand that you cannot change them.

Good grief - get out!'

As someone has said, it would be different if he was saying "I love you and I see us together forever - but I don't want to get married again".

He's actually saying "I don't see us together forever". Well if that's the case after 6 years it doesn't bode well does it?!

Have some self respect and dump him!

Four years ago, after 3 years together and plenty of talk of marriage/children at points during that time, I asked, "do you see me in your future?", ExP replied, "I don't think so".

I think he would have carried on with the relationship a lot longer if I hadn't asked that question. He was simply too afraid to end it- didn't want to hurt me, hated conflict. Being brutal, he was a coward. I was devastated. Went over everything leading up to that- when had he changed his mind? Was it me? Was I not as attractive as X/Y/Z among his female friends, was I too needy, too silly, not intellectual enough?

I ended it. Even though I so desperately didn't want it to be over.

I never really found out what changed. I accepted it was his shite, not mine. It was hard but I focused on work, friends, new interests, and, lame as it sounds, being happy within myself and not making my self esteem contingent on anyone else's opinion. Once I got over the sorrow, which took time and much indulgent self-examination, I ended up having so much fun! I felt alive again.

Am now typing this as lovely "new" DP potters upstairs and divine DD sleeps in her pram beside me.

You deserve happiness. Carpe diem.

Yesterday I felt bemused and a bit angry, but this morning I just feel sad. I'm going to blame last night's wine and try not to wallow in it.

To those calling DP names, much as it's lovely to see so many people on my 'side', the fact is he's not inherently a bad man. He's charming, handsome, successful and extremely intelligent. Until all of this I felt really lucky to be his girlfriend - he's always very affectionate and often tells me I'm beautiful. Seems to still fancy me, or at least still wants to be intimate often. I had boyfriends as a youngster and have never been short of male attention, but DP is the only man I've ever met who I've actually wanted to spend time with. I still feel that way. I just can't imagine I'll get lucky again.

But I completely agree that his comments make it fairly clear we have no future together. I'd just be waiting around until he finally cut me loose or found another woman.

I'm fretting about Christmas as we're due to spend it at my parents' house, but I just don't want him to come with me anymore. If I uninvite him he'll end up spending Christmas Day alone, which will make me feel guilty.

Don't feel guilty. Tell him you don't feel comfortable after your talk and can't carry on as though everything is fine when, for you, things have changed.

He has been honest with you, you can be as honest with him. You both need to start re evaluating, maybe Christmas is the time to do it.

You need to show him that stringing you along is not acceptable. This is a perfect opportunity. Go to your family for Christmas, let them love you and fuss over you.

If he is miserable on his own, maybe he will realise what he's losing.

Tbh I don't really see that you have any other alternative anyway. If you stay together you are basically saying that you accept his conditions and understand that it's not a permanent relationship.

Another one falls foul of the myth of female emancipation.

Women, if you want to get married, don't shack up, don't breed, don't make financial commitments, until after the wedding.

OP, cut and run. How can you spend your life with a man who 'doesn't know' if he wants you? It will always be at the back of your mind, no matter how much longer you spend together.

Don't stay together just for Christmas.

he surely has family to go to?

i spent my last Christmas with my ex at my ILs.

Wish he'd given me the chance to be with my own family by telling me before Christmas that he was having an affair & wanted to leave wanted out!

Huh? Did you mean to say that, as a woman I am not allowed sex, kids, a live in lover or a bank account or a loan until I have captured a man, got a license for him - who will then, presumably, do all of the tricky stuff for me?

I tried to stock at a relationship after a similar revalation. I spent 6 months trying to be more and it destroyed my confidence so I truly feel for you. You are the person who changed your life, his support may have helped but it helped YOU to do those things. You don't owe him, you have both gained. If you want different things to each other it is not your responsibility to commit to his goals and neglect your own.

*stick

I know it hurts just now but long-term it's good that he has been honest and you can move on with your life without him.
You have to uninvite him to Christmas You've said he's successful, intelligent, etc, he sounds capable of organising an alternative Christmas for himself. It will be too painful for you to have him at your family's house for Christmas and you need to think of you.
Let them fuss over you and give yourself the space to start to see a life without him.
Of course you're upset and it's frightening when the future you thought you would have, suddenly disappears. However, ultimately it's good to know that this relationship isn't going to work. As a PP said, you have achieved so much. Yes he gave you support, but you have built an incredible life. It will still be amazing even when he isn't in it.

My last relationship ended at 6 yrs with no commitment and now I it's all worked out for the best. Doesn't sound like he's ready to even compromise. There's only so much you can put in before you begin to resent him. Good Luck.

Nomama's words are perfect. I think this says exactly what you should tell him. It's nonjudgmental, and says it all;

Tell him you don't feel comfortable after your talk and can't carry on as though everything is fine when, for you, things have changed.

I don't think he's not a good man. He just doesn't want the same things you do and there's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't make him a wanker or jerk. It's quite possible that when he talked of you getting married & having children that he meant it at that time. But if he has carried on with that type of comment after he's realized he doesn't want that to keep you on the string, that is just wrong and unfair to you.

Talk to him and go to your family's on your own. If you weren't planning it before, consider spending a night or two there if you can. If nothing else the time apart will give you breathing space.

I think he's bring quite clear in a pretty cowardly way - he's not in this forever. After six years you would know. In my experience, people are pretty sure of their intentions much, much sooner than that. Relationships generally have a dynamic. Once three, four years have passed without firm commitment, it's unlikely to happen.

Regarding Christmas, one aspect of his clarity around not wanting commitment from you is that he also doesn't want you two to be responsible for the happiness or well being of each other so I wouldn't give any particular thought to he'd spend Christmas alone. That's not the kind of concern he wants you to have for each other.

If you're so bothered about marrying him, why don't YOU ask him?

I agree with many of the others suggesting that it might be the time for you to take control of your own destiny.

I think the idea of uninviting him for Christmas is likely to be a very beneficiak thing. He will have the time and space to decide what future if any you both have. You will have the opportunity to do the same in light of his comments. Christmas also has the benefits of their being many potential distractions and you can return to childhood comforts that would not be there if you were taking this step at another time of the year.

I think the added concern you have about falling into aneroxia is something you need to deal with at the same time by maybe going back to counselling. I imagine though that you taking control of your overall life situation and not feeling like all the relationship decisions are resting with him might help too.

I am impressed about you standing up for him and I think you are right not to consider him a bad person. I have a few long term exs that I did not make it with but who were inherently good people and they were the right person at the right time. It is nice to be able to still remember those times fondly.

I hope it works out if it can be rectified but even if it doesn't you sound like a person with a huge amount to offer who has the world at her feet and you deserve better that what seems to be on offer.

Oh, and I also think you should quietly and privately take legal advice about your home/mortgage and your rights. Not saying anything will or will not happen, but it's always better to be knowledgeable just in case.

I too think it doesn't make him a bad man. In his eyes things have changed. He would be a jerk if he had lied to you. It is to his credit that he has been honest rather than stringing you along.

Make or break.

I think it's debatable as to whether or not OP has been strung along.

He has always said that he wants to remarry, & now after Op has uprooted & has a mortgage with him, he says well, perhaps she's not the one he wants to be with long term!

This sounds so like a situation I was in. I was with a divorcee for four years. We didn't live together but we're planning to. We have four holidays a year in the uk and he showered me with saying all the right things at all the right times. He was intelligent, funny, a good friend and I really felt he was the only person who had ever 'got me.'

However I was uneasy at his unwillingness to commit longer term so I forced his hand I suppose. I got s job in the town he lived in ( with his excited agreement ) and we started house hunting. He pulled out on the day of exchange. Even after this MASSIVE display of lack of commitment he still insisted he loved me, wanted to have children with me and couldn't imagine life without me.

I deliberately didn't respond to his contact for several weeks. It gave me to headspace to realise I needed to get out. I was 36 and wanted children in my future. It hurt but I ended things with him.

It was the weirdest break up ever as he carried on contacting me as if nothing had changed. Eventually his contact fizzled out. I never found out what his problem was. But my god I'm glad I didn't stay longer.

The difference between being with him and being with a man who has married me and wants to be with me always is enormous. I didn't realise how precarious I felt until now. Please try to be brave and go through this scary journey for the sake of you in five years time. X

"Charming, handsome, successful and extremely intelligent".

Um..... none of those make him a nice man though do they? If you'd said kind, generous, loving, always puts you first, affectionate..... is he any of those things?

It just strikes me as odd that the only words you choose to describe him aren't anything to do with him actually being a nice man.

CalamityKate - with respect, I think you're perhaps reading a bit too much into my words (or lack of). I'm in a bit of a flap and was just trying to make the point that he's a 'catch' himself.

To nitpick slightly, I did mention him being very affectionate :)

For what it's worth he is kind, generous and loving too. I can't say he always puts me first because number 1 in his life is his son, but I certainly won't fault him for that.

I know I'll have to be strong and end things in the near future, but I think I'm just trying to convey how baffled I am by his apparent change of heart. I really thought we were perfect together and on the same page about the future.

He's due home shortly after being out all day - we've been keeping our distance from each other all weekend. He knows I'm very hurt. I don't know whether he's being cowardly and waiting for me to confront him/end things, or whether he thinks I'll calm down and just carry on with things as they are.