To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

[MissPronounced]

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

Good luck OP. I'd be striking out for myself in your shoes. (Am 44). Your life and your love and all the joy and strife that entails await you. I burnt my all my twenties on an idiot, ended up so wrecked from that I didn't and couldn't understand the important man I met at the end of my twenties. He hung tough and is snoring not gently as I type.

Good luck op ,2015 can be a fresh start for you .Who knows what is waiting just around the corner for you. If nothing else he has shown what a spineless little weasel he really is.

Oh OP, so sorry he's turned out to be such a disappointing cowardly twat.
Glad you had a good Christmas and that you are angry, anger is good to get you through the crap. Hang on in there, 2015 is just around the corner and you've got a clean slate to start it with. I sincerely hope it brings you every joy, happiness and adventure. Start by planning something you've always wanted to do, just for you. Nothing helps you heal faster than surprising yourself at what you can achieve, plus it has the added bonus of obviously making the losers realise what they've lost but what will you care? You've got a brand new life for the taking, all he's got is his baggage. Leave him to choke on it.
Good luck x

I'm sure the (slight) hangover today isn't helping things, but I feel seriously angry today. I can't believe I was stupid enough to have trusted him so completely for so long. Even after the initial chat that precipitated this thread it didn't at any point even cross my mind that he may already have his next project lined up.

Like I said, he'd mentioned her in the past, and I knew of one occasion a few months back when they'd met up for coffee at some place near the school (he'd told me it was to discuss some school issue that he was intending to help out with). I suspect it may have been more of a regular occurrence. He's even pointed out her house to me once as we drove past it (at the time I just thought it was because I love a bit of house 'porn' and her house it truly beautiful), so perhaps she's even invited him round. What an idiot I've been.

I took screenshots of many of their text messages because I suspected that when I confronted him he'd delete them and/or minimise/twist what had said. I keep looking at them to strengthen my resolve, but I think it's making me feel much worse. I need to delete them.

So many times he's asked her if there's a 'definite end date' to her 'limbo'. He really is/was planning to string me along until her separation was finalised, wasn't he? Yet even now he's texting me telling me he loves me.

What a jerk. Anyway, I need to start getting serious about sorting out the practicalities of a split. I'm still with my family just trying to avoid it all. I'm not back at work till the 5th, but I can't hide here forever.

You now know what he thinks of you.

You deserve better.

Keep the messages. It is easy to forget and slip back without the reminder.

Good luck with your future.

Just read all of this in one go and am so impressed at how dignified and decisive you have been, OP. You absolutely deserve (and will find) better.

Agree with GretnaGreen, you're quite an inspiration. I hope others who may be going through something similar will take note?

I wasted years on someone who wasn't sure,I bailed and I met and married my lovely DH.

FF 25 years, I have a beautiful child,a beautiful house and the most loyal and committed DH.

He on the other hand, went through a string of women, all of whom left him when they realised he was incapable of committing.

He is 52 years of age, living in a house share in a not so nice part of town. He used to message me frequently to tell me he messed up and how all the things he thought he didn't want, he now does.

Living well is the best revenge.

OP you are worth so much more than him. He will drift from relationship to relationship. Dont let him affect you anymore. Draw a line and tell him to stay his side of it.

Living well is the best revenge
Very well said RyanAirVeteran! My ex had to cheek to tell all & sundry he expected we'd get back together when told by mutual friends how well I was doing post breakup.

OP, write down how you're feeling, if not only here then somewhere else and once written just leave it and the screenshots of his communication with this daft woman in a box, in a folder whatever. Don't torment yourself by constantly rereading the messages they sent to each other. You will know them all by heart probably even now, so try not to torture yourself any further. Believe me, give yourself a couple of months and when you look back you won't believe how far you've come. Reading through it all you will relive the anger and hurt but seriously, you will even in this short space of time see how strong you've been. It was quite empowering for me, so I'm sure it will be the same for you.
Others have said it, you sound so dignified (even if hungover) . You've behaved impeccably when he hasn't even got the balls to 'fess to wanting out. Stay strong and keep RyanAirVeteran's words in mind

The nerve of him, thinking he'll just fob you off a liiiiittle bit longer until her separation finalised! has he no integrity at all???

Op I think you are magnificent.

He is a little weasel. Seriously, he is so far from a decent man. What the actual fuck is he playing at organising a date night with you when he's trying to romance someone else?! You are SO much better with out him.

I suggest you use this time at your family to plan the split - think money, where you want to be etc. chat it over with them and let them be an ear for you. 2015 will be your year!!

Good for you op. You deserve so much better. At least your limbo won't be prolonged any longer. Hope the new year brings more happiness for you.

I'm so sorry to hear that your "d"P is a devious twat. It sounds as if he has been trying to give this woman the impression that your relationship wasn't going well in the hope that she would have an affair with him. If you haven't had the impression that he was trying to end your relationship that is perhaps because he was hoping to string you both along.

OP Ive just RTFT in one go and want to tell you , you are an impressive woman indeed! You have everything going for you and I am sure you will make a wonderful life for yourself. Stay strong

Just caught the update on this thread. What a scumbag. I hope you're okay MissP. I know several before me have said it but you've had a lucky escape. I hope the practicalities of the split aren't too stressful at the moment.

Thanks for checking up on me, daddyorchips... (great username, by the way!).

I came home on Sunday. 'DP' is overseas for a conference this week and was due to leave early on Monday, so I asked if he might be able to leave early and stay in a hotel Sunday night. He agreed, but of course he was waiting for me at home on my return. I wasn't hugely surprised by this, but it's further confirmation that it's 'all about him', so I let it wash over me. He tried cuddling/kissing me, and was acting as if everything was normal. No attempt to discuss anything or apologise, not that I was in the mood for a heart-to-heart anyway. He had a stack of Christmas presents waiting for me and wanted me to open them. Idiot.

As it happens a good friend (who I also work with) posted on Facebook that she was looking for a roommate for a few weeks, so I plucked up the courage to confide in her about everything. She was fab and I've been moving bits of my stuff into her spare room this evening. I'm staying at home until he comes back, because, well, it's my home and I like it here... but I feel positive that I've made some practical steps in moving some of my things out in the meantime.

I suspect when 'DP' returns from the conference and finds I'm staying elsewhere he'll be very angry, so I'm not looking forward to that. I don't know what'll happen long-term, and unraveling our finances won't be fun, but in the interim I feel like I'll cope, one way or another :)

Well done for staying strong. It'll be easier when you've actually moved out. At the moment you are in limbo. It'll take a while but soon you'll look back and realise that you don't need a jerk like him and that life is as good, if not better, with your new decent man.

Tbh, if he's angry then he's angry - he has absolutely no right to be so please don't get drawn in by his attitude.

Think you are definitely doing the right thing moving in with your friend. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

stay strong missp

also, if you want an insight into the future, check out my current thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2260407-husband-has-asked-for-a-split-what-should-I-do?

I am 35 now and have 'wasted' 10 years with someone who has been quite selfish. You are at a great age to take all your life experience and invest your time in yourself, and eventually a new relationship with someone closer to your own age. I have an 18 year age gap and don't recommend age gap relationships long term. Best do an Angelina/Billy Bob, Scarlet J/Sean Penn or even Chris Evans and Billie Piper (!)... i.e. use your 'older man' experience as a chapter in your life... but know that you will come out of this eventually, and you will be smarter, stronger and more resilient.

And don't feel guilty or allow him to think he has 'healed' you or you 'owe' him something. you don't as you would have found healing in any half decent relationship.

Lastly, by 30 you could be married or doing something else wonderful with you life... whereas it is guaranteed that he will continue in cycle/ego trip with this Ow and the next, and the next... Until his looks fade and he becore es an angry, bitter old man... trust me, I've seen it happen over and over...

Well done OP. This must have been awful for you and healing will take time but it is the right outcome for you and you take away a lot of useful life experience from the relationship. My story is in many ways similar- was with a guy from age 25 to age 30. We'd go to weddings and swap notes about how we'd organise our wedding. He may well have said something very similar to 'I'm not sure I want to marry you" though to be fair I think he followed that with "If I'm not sure it's fairer on you we split up". It was certainly out of the blue though. I then came across an email he had sent to a friend some months previously in which he told her that he didn't see our relationship being long term. I left and went to stay with a friend, discovered a couple of weeks later that he already had someone new lined up. It was horrifically distressing and I felt like I would never recover. I am now very happily married and, now that I see how things are with DH, it's crystal clear to me that ex DP and I were totally wrong for each other. I am actually glad he ended it.

Take solace in your lovely family and friends, try to see moving on as a fresh start (I bought my first flat after DP dumped me, he would have hated everything about it, I loved it). He sounds like he has been a real coward but try not to get caught up in anger and bitterness- it's not worth it. Good luck.

Gosh, you are only 27. Go out and have fun! His loss.

mispronounced just read your thread. Sorry to hear about the stress you have now. You are so much better off without him now. An older man can seem so dizzying and attractive at your age, but when you're my age that will feel different. Six years are not really wasted, you have had good times and lots of fun experiences. It worked for you then, but he has blown it.
Of course he didn't want you just to leave and doesn't want to let you go easily. He is a man in his mid forties with a gorgeous, successful 27 yo girlfriend. He probably feels like a movie star.
All the best. You will have a charmed life now. Keep your support network around you.

blimey,hes a gitbag.fortunately youve got an exit plan.
Chalk it up as learning exoerience.and hes a git,you are not
In his absence photocopy paperwork regards your joint finances, do you have shared accounts?any shared loans that need to be resolved

He is a dreadful man to discuss you,your relationship in such an unbalanced way.utterly disrespectful.

I would caution for future relationships dont be so bridey and all want to get married,be realistic.be pragmatic about relationships- pivotal is does this work for both of us.is it equitable.

And finally when you meet someone again. And you will. Make sure if you undertake big decisions like moving,its because its mutual and not all for him.sacrifice and did it for you isnt a great basis in relationships

Why are you making it easy for him.why shoud you leave your home