To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

[MissPronounced]

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

Yes it wasn't a waste. There is no point regretting any of the past. It is part of what makes you, you. Yes you would probably have done things differently if you had a crystal ball, but you are who you are now, because of the past.

He wasn't expecting you to call it a day, IMO. He expected you to be clinging on for dear life to a future that he dangled in front of you like the proverbial carrot for years.

You've pulled the rug from under him and he is furious. GOOD FOR YOU! Use this to your advantage.

Now, get some good financial advice about the house/any joint finances and sort that out quick smart so that you can start to move on with your fabulous new life without this albatross.

You're doing so well. You should be proud of yourself.

IdontusuallyNC - there are lots of reasons why I feel it's best I move out.

1. It's quite apparent from the texts and emails I've been getting that he thinks I'm not serious about ending things. He quite clearly thinks I'm going to change my mind, although, given the things he said about me to the other woman (and the fact that he's quite likely planning on starting something with her as soon as she's free to) I don't have a clue why he would even want that. Moving out myself sends a clear message to him. He's generally a decent guy (or at least I thought he was) so I suspect if he believed I was serious about ending things and I asked him to move out, he would, but that's too much hassle for now.

1. Whilst I do love our home, realistically it's not somewhere I'd be able to live by myself in the long term. It's much too big for just me ('DP' likes a lot of space, where I generally prefer somewhere small and cosy) and too expensive to run by myself.

1. 'DP''s son loves the house and is very comfortable here. He stays with us often and as somebody who's been through enough upheaval in his life already I don't want to cause more stress for him. It's not his fault his Dad's a tool.

1. When we bought the house 'DP' contributed c.£150k to the deposit! I contributed a 'mere' £20k. I could never ever afford to buy him out. He can quite easily afford to give me my £20k back and I'd be happy to call it quits at that (we've only been here a couple of years so there's not much extra equity in the place).

I like to think I'm making it easy for myself, rather than him, but who knows?

Apart from the house our finances are pretty separate. We have a joint account we both contribute to monthly, to cover mortgage, bills, etc. We have separate savings accounts, though, and transfer chunks to the joint account as and when we make any joint purchases.

Huge thanks again to all of you. I know I've said it a few times and it probably sounds trite and soppy, but you've all been so lovely to me, and the hand-holding and cheerleading has been so incredibly helpful.

I've had a crummy afternoon with a barrage of texts from him. Obviously he's fed up with me not responding to his lovey-dovey crap, so has changed to sending me a load of direct questions about various practical things. I know he's just doing anything he can to get me to engage in conversation with him, but whilst I've managed to not text back so far, he has succeeded in making me feel rude and unreasonable by ignoring him. And he had the nerve to call me manipulative?! Anyway, I daresay I'll cope :) Seeing a completely different side to his personality after 6 years of completely adoring him is helping, if anything.

I think you're quite a remarkable woman.

You're doing amazingly OP. You're not being manipulative, he is by trying to get you to hang around like some emotional air traffic controller until his next 'flight' comes in to land.

Stay mad as long as you can. But just remember if/when you start feeling low that ALL the wonderful things that attracted this man to you in the first place ARE STILL THERE! They were never dependent on him. You can be as spontaneous as you like in terms of holidays or whatever you want to do, he didn't create that in you, you already had it.

And don't forget what you have already learnt about yourself - that you can face up to making difficult decisions regardless of how much they hurt you personally without flinching.

You're fearless and I really hope 2015 is your year.

You are doing brilliantly :)

Don't settle for just your 20 k back - you have paid part of the mortgage, you should be entitled to some of the equity. If you've contributed to furniture costs etc then he should be giving you your fair share.

Blimey, OP, he really didn't know your worth, did he?

More fool him.

You're entitled to more than 20k back. Don't let him profit from you.

OP I think your stance is perfectly and rationally planned to ensure your sanity. You are one hell of. Strong woman and he is an idiot to lose you. His loss and very much your gain in the long run.

OP you are amazing! Such a crappy thing to have happened to you but you sound so strong and are doing all the right things it seems.

Don't be scared to be vulnerable if you need to though, it sounds like you have people around you (family and friends) that you can lean on and MN is always here. You don't have to be strong for us if it gets too hard!

Take care and here's to a happy 2015!x

Bloody hell, you're absolutely ace - I hope you know that. You are a much, much better person than he is, just reading your list of reasons for leaving the house they are completely selfless. Keep your dignity - it isn't worth responding to his pathetic messages.

Definitely agree with pp though - if you've contributed to the mortgage then you are entitled to more than your £20k back.

Hats off to you! Well done for staying so strong.

Just offering lots of support- I was the same age as you when my first marriage ended and I relapsed on my ED. It was horrific, and you're doing tremendously well- but please get support if you're finding it too difficult or even just to pre empt finding things difficult.

My life is so much better now- I am now married with a DD and another DC on the way- but at the time I remember feeling that I had ruined my life and I succumbed to the seductive destructive thought process that comes with an ED.

Wishing you all the best and I hope his return and the splitting of finances goes as smoothly as it can.

Maybe you could ask for this thread to be moved to relationships we're you can carry on receiving some excellent advice on finances and legalities etc.

Littleturkish- thanks so much for your comment. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you after your marriage ended, though very pleased to read you're in a much better situation now. I know how easy it is to relapse in times of stress (to be honest at times in the last couple of weeks I've felt so so tempted to deliberately engage in harmful/dangerous behaviour), so I'm being ultra-mindful of it all; recognising and dismissing negative thoughts as often as possible.

To go back to the finances, I have always paid half of the mortgage and all bills, so I suppose I am entitled to more than my initial £20k, and perhaps I'll feel stronger to suggest this when the time is right. There are a few items of furniture I'm attached to, so would like to take those too, if possible.

The friend I'm staying with has a tenant moving in next month, so I will need to find somewhere else by then. With the savings I have (plus the £20k) I should be in a position to buy somewhere, but I'll need to rent in the short-term. I need to start looking ASAP. Instead of finding it all daunting I'm actually quite excited by the thought of having my own space - I've never lived alone, so am thinking of all the positives about doing so :)

I've realised how dependent I've been on 'DP' for emotional support and a social life. We've always been one of those couples who do almost everything together. I have a group of friends (mostly colleagues), but not many I can really rely on or confide in. I left my really great friends to move away with him. I should probably have put more effort into making friends when I moved here, but I'm actually a very shy person outside of work. This is probably why I ended up confiding in you lot here (which was a good decision!). I worry I might become very lonely without him.

Anyway, I really should get back to work now!

You are awesome. DO NOT sell yourself short on what you have put into this relationship though (both in time and in money). Get back what is rightfully yours.

You're doing brilliantly and I have to say I hope my daughter grows up to be a woman who is as strong, determined and capable as you.

It's refreshing to read this thread and find a young woman who could teach us all. You come across very level headed and at 27 you're at a perfect time in your life to determine what your future looks like. Well done on being decisive and keep it up. New year, new start

I applaud you, MissPronounced. You are doing well, keep up the good work.

Different situation, but I left my ex-h when I was 28 as he never wanted any children (he was older) and, like you, it was the first time living alone.

I still remember what a huge thing it was, to just say, 'This isn't going to work for me anymore,' and do it.

But it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Living alone was an adjustment and I was sad at first, lonely, but soon enough, I wasn't.

I wish you the BEST. You so deserve it.