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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

172 replies

MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 22:14

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

OP posts:
Mrsgrumble · 13/12/2014 23:00

At 27 with a great career and everything going for you.. He is an idiot!!

I went out with someone for years who said similar to your partner and met and married my dh within 2 years.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2014 23:00

I think it's natural you should be devastated by this. He made you believe that he wanted to get married some time in the future and you have a mortgage together and now he's not sure. Most people would be really upset by this. I agree that he must know after 6 years if you're the right one for him. If he doesn't then you're not. How long does he need to make up his mind. I hope things work out for you.

rockinrobintweet · 13/12/2014 23:03

am sorry to read your post. i think you're being very sensitive and perhaps jumping too conclusions before having completed the conversation with him. did he speak under pressure? my DH and i had many confused 'half convos' about marriage years before it happened. at one point he said he didn't think it'd happen. looking back i don't know how it ever did. we actually had dd before the proposal and i thought that'd bring on engagement.

my moral is- perhaps it takes a long time for men to feel ready and action it. and until they feel ready, they'll prob say the wrong thing. id suggest attempting another conversation about the future first. and let him talk. you listen, and him talk.

good luck!!

JP12345 · 13/12/2014 23:04

What MoRaw said.

So sorry for you MissP. It does sound truly devastating.

Sorry if it's harsh but I don't advocate the whole 'give him time' approach, as it seems this was not a throwaway afterthought, but an admission of a fairly serious conclusion that he has come to over time, ie it's not marriage itself, but your partnership that he has changed his mind about.

But please, don't give in to the demons...

It has obviously been a rewarding and fulfilling relationship, and I hope you can draw on the strength and growth you've developed over the years to look ahead. You sound like a wonderful woman and you deserve to have an amazing future with a man (whoever he is) who will make you happy in ways you never dreamed of xx

MsVestibule · 13/12/2014 23:06

I agree 100% with moraws post at 22.47. When you do split up, don't think of it as 6 years wasted. He came into your life when you needed him; maybe it's now time to move onto a different chapter in your life.

Finishing a relationship is awful (believe me, I've had plenty of experience of it) but the relief you feel when you've actually done it is immense. I don't imagine he's doing it deliberately to be cruel but to say to somebody "I think we'll spilt up at some point, I just haven't decided when yet" is pretty unpleasant.

JP12345 · 13/12/2014 23:09

... And like Mrs Grumble I also spent many yers (9) with someone who agreed to marriage and kids "at some point" before he finally admitted to having had doubts for years, and so we split. And like MrsG I am also SO happily married 2 yrs later...

Frogme · 13/12/2014 23:26

Yes I think you probably need to think in terms of finishing it. Either he will agree and you will be free to move on, rather than dragging the inevitable out, or he will realise what he will be losing and that will help him commit.

I don't think you have any choice but to finish it. It will make or break you. It's important for your own self respect not to be with him if his heart isn't really in it, however painful that is for you.

Thanks
Summerisle1 · 13/12/2014 23:42

I also agree that this is probably the time to let this relationship go. In my experience, when people say they don't know what they want, this usually means they do know. They know that they don't want the person they are currently in a relationship with.

You must be so upset and I feel for you. But certainly don't consider the time you were with this partner to be wasted time. Instead, it has given you the opportunity to grow stronger and in a better place to embrace the right relationship when that comes along.

Flowers
Original poster
MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 23:44

I really am taking on board all of your comments, so thanks again for taking the time to make them.

I think everything is feeling so much worse because I don't feel able to talk to any of my 'real life' friends about this. I have a few happily-single friends and many engaged/married ones, and much as I love them and am (almost without exception) happy about their happiness, I don't want to be pitied for not being 'marriage material'. Whether it's fair or not I feel very humiliated.

I find the thought of ending the relationship and having to start again so very daunting. DP is the first/only long-term relationship I've had, and I really can't imagine meeting anybody like him again. I really do (did?) want to spend the rest of my life with him, and it's painful to realise that I don't get to choose to do that if he doesn't also want the same thing.

OP posts:
Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 14/12/2014 00:05

YANBU

At 27 you have many years to meet a man who wants to marry you. Don't let the fear of being single stop you from ending a relationship that isn't going anywhere. This man is middle aged with a failed marriage behind him, he doesn't sound like he's much of a 'catch' to be honest. I believe that you deserve far better than a man that won't commit after 6 years.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2014 00:10

Then you must balance what you have now (someone who treats you well, but doesn't appear to be considering this a lifelong commitment) against what you want for yourself (marriage and, I assume, children). Then think; are you willing to give up what you want to keep what you have, knowing that it may or may not last a lifetime? Or would you rather let it go and search out your lifelong companion?

If you have any doubts about his feelings and you just want to be sure where he stands, then propose to him. Just be prepared for his answer. And, my love, just because he may not want to marry you, that certainly does not mean that YOU aren't 'marriage material'. It just means that HE isn't!

You're 27, you have years ahead to find the right one. I know it doesn't seem that way, but it really is.

Fairenuff · 14/12/2014 08:37

Of course you are 'marriage material' if you feel that you want to be in a committed relationship, want a lifetime partner, want a marriage to legally support that.

It's just that he isn't the one you should marry. And whilst you stay with him you are denying yourself the opportunity to meet the man that you are going to marry and who will want to spend the rest of his life with you.

kim147 · 14/12/2014 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/12/2014 08:56

The thing is, OP, knowing what you know, what do you do? Stay in this relationship then, when you get to 40 he leaves you, and you are then 40 with 13 more years pf yoyr life (and your fertile years) given to this man only to be dropped at his convenience?

Get out soon, while you still have youth on your side.

Frogme · 14/12/2014 08:56

I know being single is daunting and a break up will be painful but picture yourself in ten years time.

He hasn't married you, you haven't had kids, and he eventually finishes it and you don't have him either. You may have run out of time to find someone else, enjoy the relationship and then have kids. Is this what you want?

Short term pain for long term gain?

Frogme · 14/12/2014 08:57

Xposted think

Nomama · 14/12/2014 08:58

Oooh! Hard as it is you are going to have to sit down and have a long talk with yourself. What do you want out of life? That talk!

If, at the end of that talk you want things he is not going to be able/willing to do with you then you can make the choice that is right for you. He has no right to curtail your life, you don't have to stay. You can be grateful he was there and helpful when you needed to grow out of your earlier problems... but you don't owe him the rest of your life.

Day out, cake, coffee, long walk... do whatever you need to do for yourself to think it all through. Good luck.

Inertia · 14/12/2014 08:59

It sounds like you are just his holding pattern until a better offer comes along. He is telling you that he isn't willing to commit to you. You know that you want marriage and a family. Any further time with him is just keeping him occupied until he gets fed up with you.

Sorry to be brutal, but you now need to be proactive about what you want from your life rather than expecting him to deliver. He won't.

maddening · 14/12/2014 09:13

Time to work out what you want and to have a further discussion - marriage isn't necessary but in the absence of marriage you have a right to know whether he is invested in the relationship for life and intends to build a Home and family with you before you continue - and don't feel humiliated, one idiot does not mean you are not "marriage material"

Finola1step · 14/12/2014 09:16

So you were 21 and he was 37 when you got together. He having had dc with ex, you being in your first significant relationship.

You had health concerns, he supported you to overcome them. You are now successful in your career.

It may well be that this relationship has run it's course, even though that is a very hard scenario to think about.

Tell him that you thought that you two were in it for the long haul but that if he doesn't feel the same, you won't be clinging on. If you own a home together, tell him that in the New Year it can go on the market so you can both move on.

holeinmyheart · 14/12/2014 09:26

It may be that you have actually had a lucky escape. I have a BIL married to a much younger wife. The age gap is now making a serious difference.. He wants to stay home at night, she is full of energy. He is sliding towards Old Age and is a miserable drag.
He has a bad back and can't work so she is also becoming the main bread winner. In 10 years time your bloke will be in his 50's, and you will only be in your 30's.

At only 27 you have time to find someone new. It is not the end of the world leaving this Guy, it will be a new chapter in your life.
In a couple of years you may be glad that you moved on.

The fact that you have only had one serious long term relationship is a bit of a concern. At 27 you should be out having fun, sampling the delights etc
Get rid of him.

HollyJollyXmas · 14/12/2014 09:27

The problem isnt so much that he wont marry you, its that he 'isnt sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you' (his words). Six years in and as you approach that time of your life when you are thinking about children and marriage...this isnt good news and I dont blame you at all for feeling very worried about it.

You might not feel it, but at 27 you have so very much ahead of you. This guy is in his forties and still dithering about the big questions of commitment, children etc. May I just say - very bluntly perhaps (sorry) - that he sounds like an utter dick?

You need to broach this conversation again. Be brave. He needs to know how you feel about this and you NEED to have a bottom line here. Are you prepared to give it another couple of years and see how things progress, or is his attitude a dealbreaker?

Personally, I wouldnt waste my child bearing years with a middle aged man who 'isnt sure' about me. My own experience was that I was with my now DH for three years when we had this very conversation (I was also 27, he was 40). I told him I wanted children sooner rather than later and wasnt prepared to time-waste if he didnt want the same things. Piss or get off the pot, basically. If you are clear about what you want and stop letting him set the pace, at least you'll know where you stand. In our case, he decided he did want to commit to me and a year later our first child was born. But I can assure you, as much as i adored him, I would have walked away if he had dicked me around any longer.

Best wishes, OP.

aermingers · 14/12/2014 09:36

I'm gutted for you too. But I think splitting would be the right thing to do. Something that strikes me is that he is dangling something vague in front of you all the time. Making noises about 'our wedding', saying he wants to marry you again, making a fuss about a trip which could potentially be a proposal. It seems like he's trying to give you enough hope to stay without ever actually doing anything concrete. It seems manipulative.

I would give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you see your future in a marriage and if he's not prepared to set a date you want to split. If he does genuinely love you and is just dragging his feet because he's had his fingers burnt before then that might give him a jolt. If he say 'Okay,let's split' then he's just not the one and he doesn't love you enough.

angstridden2 · 14/12/2014 09:46

Was in same situation; bf would not commit (I wanted marriage and children). Left him, went out with other guys. Ex bf got back in touch after a month, got engaged that evening! Married over 30 years with children (mostly very happily!). I couldn't have stayed, it would have soured our relationship if he couldn't/wouldn't give me what I wanted. You are very young; don't waste your time on a middle aged man who is hedging his bets.

Vvvoom · 14/12/2014 09:46

I split from my ex after six years. There was also a 15 year age gap. I was waiting for him to propose, he wasn't sure. And as the years went by, I realised I was pretty unhappy with him. It was great to leave!

The age gap is big, and does cause issues, so the relationship has to great for it to work. If a man in his 40s can't commit after 6 years, something is seriously wrong.