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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

172 replies

MissPronounced · 13/12/2014 22:14

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

OP posts:
naty1 · 17/12/2014 22:52

I think if he'd changed his mind to that extent he should have said so, not waited to be queried about marriage.
You manipulating him - i dont think so. Not if you are prepared to cut him loose.
Manipulating would be saying you woukd do that if you would not.
It sounds like he thinks this is all about marriage.
Not what the issue is what he said he doesnt see a future. Marriage isnt that important but that is cruel, and rude, if he doesnt want to initiate a break up.
And to still say he loves you.
He must know after 6yrs. If not why do the mortgage.
Hopefully he will realise its not the marriage you need so much as the love, commitment and the future probably with childen.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/12/2014 23:18

Well done for talking to mum

Your dp sounds an arse. he feels he should decide when relationship ends. You decide that

JuanDirection · 19/12/2014 07:13

Sorry but he's a total arse, and you have done the right thing. What he has effectively told you is that he'd like you to stay around, not permanently, but just until he's had enough (so until he finds someone he'd rather, or just gets fed up with you). So rude and insulting, how dare he expect you to stay after that, and to say you're trying to manipulate him into marriage - ha-fucking-ha! As if you'd want a meaningless promise now from this knob anyway! It wouldn't fix anything.

You are young and have everything going for you - or you will have once you chuck this guy who really is in the way of your happiness and life fulfilment at the moment! x

ArthurSHappeyChristmas · 19/12/2014 07:35

It is the way he said it... It's very personal. I'm not sure I want to spend my life with 'you'. Not I'm not sure I want to get married, married again. He's being an arse for suggesting you're manipulating him. You are hurt. He needs to see and realise how much he's hurt you.

HellKitty · 19/12/2014 07:47

Oh I don't like the fact he got angry and called you manipulative. That's big red flags to me. So he assumes you'd be happy just toddling on with your relationship until HE decides when it's time to end it? After all he can't see a future with you.

Let your mum spoil you rotten, try to put all thoughts of him to one side over Christmas and decide YOUR future when you get home.

FrontForward · 19/12/2014 07:50

OP I had a relationship like this. He wanted the option of a long term relationship with me is my summary of it. I think he fully intended to stay with me but the whole marriage thing just was too scary.

I needed to feel fully committed. I was happy to have a legal pre nup and recognise that relationships do breakdown but his inability to commit (not to marriage but to a lifetime together) broke me

We split...he came back promising changes. I gave him 6 months to sort out things and he did exactly the same again. Charming, generous, lovely but unable to be a life partner as I needed him to be.

We are now very good friends

It sounds to me like your chap will never voluntarily commit and I think you know this Sorry. It's really hard when there is no one unpleasant thing you can sAy about them...not abusive...no affair...you love being with them. Be strong and look after you.

championnibbler · 19/12/2014 23:31

Please dump the old bugger and move on. you deserve better.

DaffyDuck88 · 19/12/2014 23:45

Dear OP, another one who found herself in a similar situation. Not in terms of expecting a proposal but definitely regarding long term future and having children. When confronted after quite possibly 6 years as well he also said he didn't know. This despite talking to me and others about the kind of wedding we would have, dream home etc.. Much to my own surprise, I said well I can't stay around on the off chance. Amazing to hear the words leaving my mouth, some key part of me kicked in before the fear of what the repercussions would be I guess. I mean this man was 'home' to me. And yet I said it and meant it. After some initial shock on his part, he begged and persuaded me to stay.

You are not in any way being manipulative by speaking your mind and opening up your heart. It takes so much courage to do this, to let yourself be that vulnerable. Trust your instincts. I didn't trust mine and in truth wasted another couple of years on something that could have ended much much better.. (him+ his best friends girlfriend... tacky in the extreme). Not to say thats your future of course, plenty of people upthread have said it proved a wakeup call for their now DH's. Just know that if you decide things end here it is for totally valid reasons and that as impossible as it might seem now, life does get better. It took me a good few years but I'm now with someone I love and despite thinking I was too old we have a lovely daughter.

Only you can decide this, only you know what you can and can't live with. So trust your instincts, be brave whatever you decide and take very good care of yourself.
x

Original poster
MissPronounced · 27/12/2014 22:05

I hope nobody minds me resurrecting the thread - there have been a couple of developments, and I feel like you all deserve an update.

The night before I finished work for the Christmas break 'DP' told me he wanted us to have a 'date night' alone together, and to have a chat about things. I was rather non-committal about it all, and frankly was finding his sudden desire to talk rather odd. I came home on 'date night' to find he'd cooked a meal, bought champagne etc. He later ran me a bath. Whilst doing so I made the stupid/wise decision to look at his phone- something I've never done before. I found a very lengthy conversation between him and a woman I've vaguely been aware of in the last few months (for context, she's a governor at DP's son's school. My 'DP' is a bit of a helicopter parent at times and has always been involved in various school issues - I'd noticed this woman's name popping up on his Facebook account, emails, etc., but thought nothing of it)

It turns out she's currently separating from her husband. My 'DP' has (it would seem) been her knight in shining armour, messaging her daily, offering her support and telling her she's the 'most lovely' mother he knows. He talked about our relationship, too, saying 'I should move on in my life but I'm poor at giving up on things'. More frustratingly there was half a conversation where she stated 'Oh dear - sorry to be blunt but why are you staying with her', to which he replied 'I'm a bloke - we're soft like that. But you're right xxx'. I wish I knew what he'd said before that. I admitted to him that I'd read his messages and slept in the spare bedroom, before leaving early the next morning.

Anyway, much as it all feels like a massive kick in the teeth (not least because this other woman is very beautiful and wealthy - I know it shouldn't matter, but it does) it's made it all the more clear to me that I really do need to move on.

Christmas with my family has been wonderful - I think my Mother quietly gave everybody the 'heads up' about it all, so there haven't been any awkward questions to answer.

Thanks again to all of you for all the support and hand-holding on this thread. It's really been a huge help.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2014 22:22

Sorry you found out Dp was even more of a twat then you thought :( but glad you have found out now and hopefully will give you the strength to walk away

Have always said cheating isn't just about sex - it's the intent - ie sending messages and flirting is just as bad as actually having an affair - as it could go somewhere

BrowersBlues · 27/12/2014 22:27

I am sorry to hear what happened. I don't know how or why because I obviously don't know you but you sound like a lovely person and I have a feeling that this will turn out to be the best thing that happened. You will move on and meet someone lovely who will be so lucky to have a future with you.

I hope you get through the shock ok. Don't worry about that woman. Whether or not there was anything going on she intruded into your relationship and that was wrong. You stayed very dignified throughout.

Thank you for the update. I wish you all the best. Let us know when you do get married to someone who truly loves you. Best wishes x

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/12/2014 22:33

I would say that if after six years he doesn't know if he wants to be with you forever, he doesn't want to be with you forever. So if you do want marriage, kids etc it's not with him, I'm afraid

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/12/2014 22:35

Oh god, I'm sorry, I missed your update

Sorry your DP is a twunt SadFlowersWineAngry

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 27/12/2014 22:36

So sorry to hear that but it seems it's for the best. I wonder what he was playing at with the romantic evening before you found the messages? Very odd but the fact you just knew you needed to look at his phone was fate working in your favour. I hope you can start enjoying your life without him xx

Ohfourfoxache · 27/12/2014 22:45

Bloody hell Sad

He is a grade A wankbadger - you can and will do so, so much better than this tosser.

MistressDeeCee · 27/12/2014 22:45

When I 1st read this thread I just knew immediately there was another woman involved. Its the usual "I don't know what I want" script that future-faking men start to bleat when they've got their eye on someone else. Its all romantic and 'if only' talk with the OW - stupid and immature - and so disrespectful discussing your relationship with a third party. When you actually want the future they promised you out comes the "you're manipulative" and/or "you're giving me an ultimatum" talk.

At his age if he is behaving like this you will have a lucky escape from him if you leave. He is disloyal in the extreme. The other woman is beautiful & wealthy? So...? She's giving time and her ear to another woman's partner, Id say your self-esteem is far better than hers is; a woman with a lot going for her simply wouldn't get involved.

Find someone better than him, someone who knows what love loyalty and honesty and decisiveneness actually means, and is nearer your own age. Go and have some fun! What use is a middleaged commitment-phobe to you? Let the OW put up with his fickle ways if she's got nothing better to do with her time..even if he gets with her in the end he'll be bending some other woman's ear about her anyway. You can do far better than that mess in this 1 life. Don't let him persuade you to come back to him either. Future-fakers are more trouble than they're worth..all talk and no substance

skildpadden · 27/12/2014 22:49

wow, did he basically say 'you're not forever but stick around for a bit longer'. Shock

Be strong. You're so young. This will be something you look back on and feel grateful you escaped. HOnestly.

Original poster
MissPronounced · 27/12/2014 22:51

sharonthe... - yes, I wonder what he was playing at, too. I suspect that even though he may have known for some time that he didn't want to be with me long-term, he just didn't want to be alone for Christmas. I think he's not a very strong person, and doesn't like not having a partner. Tough luck.

I'm generally a fairly laid-back and placid person, but whenever I think about 'DP' (think it's fair to call him an ex at this point?) I feel the rage boiling up. How dare he have wasted so much of my time knowing that he wanted out? How dare he let me dream about my future, how dare he tell my Dad where he wanted us to marry, how dare he suggest we buy a home together, how dare he hint to me about Christmas presents he'd like? etc. etc...

I 100% believe that nothing physical has happened between him and this other woman (yet), but the fact he's quite clearly been bad-mouthing both our relationship and me to her makes me sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 27/12/2014 22:54

Sorry to hear this but glad you're sounding stronger.

You're very young and even if you weren't that wouldn't matter. You have your pride.

Best of luck to you.

You had a lucky escape!

AntiHop · 27/12/2014 22:57

So sorry. Well done for being brave.

Do not let your old demons resurface. I'm hoping that you learnt some techniques when you were recovering from your eating disorder to stop old behaviours restarting. At the first hint of those behaviours, you must take a stand and not let it happen.

TheCraicDealer · 27/12/2014 22:59

Like someone else said, sounds like he needs a project. You're sorted now, you don't 'need' him anymore, so he's found someone else who he can support and make him feel like a big man. Doesn't matter that she's attractive and wealthy, she needs him.

This hurts like a kick in the ovaries right now, but he's done you a favour. It's so so so much easier to walk away from someone who's showing themselves to be a cock than because things "just aren't right".

Inertia · 27/12/2014 23:24

So glad that you had a lovely Christmas with your family.

Your Ex truly is a piece of shit- though at least you've seen his true colours now, while you still have your life ahead of you.

Wouldn't be at all surprised if wealthy divorcing OW ditches him like a sack of potatoes once she's beyond the stage of needing an emotional crutch.

Tinkerball · 27/12/2014 23:32

Anger is good. You can and will move on from this.

Osirus · 27/12/2014 23:36

How awful. You are well rid of him - good luck for your future. You can do so much better.

Frogme · 27/12/2014 23:46

Yes I think that part of the initial attraction to you, was that you "needed" him and that made him feel good. The ow now "needs" him.

Whilst you wanted him to enhance your life, you don't "need" him or anyone now and that's a good thing. You can choose someone who wants to be fully with you. Short term pain for long term gain.

The fact that he was pulling out all the stops on date night, despite knowing and discussing his dissatisfaction, should make your decision and resolve, stronger. He's inadvertently done you a favour. This could have dragged on for a lot longer and still had the inevitable end result.