To think that after 6 years together 'not knowing' what he wants doesn't bode well?

[MissPronounced]

DP (of 6 years) and I are lucky enough to travel a lot together, and it's always a last-minute, relaxed sort of thing. A couple of months ago he made a huge deal about wanting to take me to Paris at Christmastime, in a way that he never usually does before we book a trip. I mentioned this to my best friends (and mother) and the three of them started getting excited and querying whether DP was going to propose marriage. I stupidly let myself wonder...

Before we went away last weekend I promised myself I'd enjoy the trip for what it was, and not spoil it for either of us by hoping for something more. Paris was wonderful, but he didn't propose.

Despite trying so hard not to be disappointed, I am. I can't and won't say this aloud to my friends or family but I really am saddened that after 6 years together he hasn't asked me to marry him. To put it in context: we have talked many, many times over the years about marriage, and usually at his instigation. He has always said that he very much wants to marry again, and often used to talk about the sort of wedding he imagined us having. He knows that it is something I want too. He is a fair bit older than I am, and was married (and separated) long before he met me.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I decided to open up to him. I reminded him that marriage is important to me, and asked how he felt about it all; whether he'd changed his mind. After quite a while trying to evade the question he told me he just doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We have a mortgage together, I've moved a couple of hundred miles to be with him and build my career in a city far away from my family to be with him. I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent girlfriend. Am I wrong to just want to be married, and to be quite devastated at what DP said?

I think he is lying low and hoping that it will blow over.

You can carry on like this if you want, it's your life, your relationship. But where do you think it will lead?

Listen to what he has said. He has told you where he stands.

It doesn't matter how 'loving' he acts or what a catch he is, he has told you clearly he doesn't see a future with you.

I know it sounds harsh, but honestly - believe him.

Sorry op, you must be gutted.

But there's no way you can stay in this relationship after what he has said. I agree with a pp, at his age if he's not sure after 6 years then he's got serious issues.

You are in a great situation, you are well and young with a good career. You'll meet someone who will know that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. You deserve that.

Start to think practically re your living situation. And maybe talk to your folks too?

Just to add my agreement with the idea of going to your folks for Christmas without him.

I relate to the feeling of humiliation. I felt the same, esp around my lovely friends. Getting some unconditional love and support from your family (or even just space to think and lick your wounds) is just what you need.

Where are your emotions at now op? Have you gained enough strength to do what you know you need to do?

You sound a sweetie OP and are behaving in a very dignified way about it all- it is very hurtful and you do feel humiliated even though there is no reason to do so. It isn't about you, it is about him though and if by mid-forties, with you moved in and mortgaged up he can't see a long-term future, it's never going to happen. I think you will have to go home for Christmas, lick your wounds, call some female friends for a cry and then come back and sort out the mortgage/legal situation.

I don't think he has necessarily done anything wrong, we all go in to these situations with the best of intentions, the OP freely moved there and got a mortgage, but sometimes these things don't work out. He hasn't lied but he has changed his mind, and you now need to respond to that. Good luck.

OP - fair enough :)

You know him - I don't!

I hope it works out for you, whatever happens :)

Maybe he just wants his cake and to eat it too.
Wants you there, but doesn't want to commit in case something better turns up.
If he doesn't know that you're the one by now, then he needs a wake up call. Telling him are going to split up will either make him wake up and see sense or bring something to a close that wasn't going anywhere.
Very sad, but it is time to start moving towards something more real.
Good luck.

if he doesnt know after 6yrs if he wants to spend his life with you, then make his choice and leave him

yes i know its easy to say this

you are young at 27, have years to meet/marry/have kids with someone but not if you stay with this man

Sorry to have not updated sooner but have had a manic couple of days at work. Thanks again to all who've taken time to comment/advise - as I've not yet felt able to confide in friends your words have been massively helpful.

On Friday I finish work for the Christmas break. DP is working through to the 23rd, so we were going to drive down to my parents' on Christmas Eve. Yesterday I called my Mum and had a brief chat with her about things and we decided I should just head down on Saturday instead. Told DP, who asked if I still wanted him to come down on Christmas Eve. I said no. He seemed quite taken aback and hurt (later angry). I was baffled by the fact that he apparently thought/thinks everything can remain just as it has been. I told him that I couldn't stay with somebody who wasn't sure he wanted to be with me long-term. He said he wasn't "going to fall for this manipulative nonsense" and that it wasn't going to convince him to propose.

I've been keeping out of his way since, though he did text me while I was at work today to tell me he loves me.

I know it's all in tatters now and that I've set the ending in motion. I'll deal with the reality of it all after Christmas, I suppose.

"He said he wasn't "going to fall for this manipulative nonsense" and that it wasn't going to convince him to propose.2

well that's fine as you don't want to force a proposal & end up married to someone who doesn't want to marry you!

Hope you have a lovely time with your mum.

Now he showed his true colours. Unable to understand your feelings, he got angry, called you manipulative and made it clear he wouldn't propose. As you didn't back down he is now acting sweet just because he doesn't want to spend Christmas alone.
If I were you, wouldn't stay with him even if he proposed to me tonight with the biggest diamond ring.

If you ever wonder why he previously said all that stuff about weddings, go to www.baggagereclaim.co.uk and type "future faker" into the search box.
Have a lovely Christmas with your family and have a great 2015 xx

DH and I dated for about 6-7 years before we got married and he wasn't terribly keen on the idea because he doesn't like change that much and was happy the way things were. I pushed the issue and he pushed back and it was a very upsetting time for me and we nearly broke up. We did get married though and have been married for 20 years.

He also would have liked to make me unpregnant too. That one was a very hard one to swallow. He has been a very loving father though albeit with some times a short temper.

He also didn't want a dog but was bullied into that by the rest of the family and is besotted with our dog.

I am glad you opened up to your mum. Talk through things with her. You are not manipulating dh, he was wrong to say that.

Oh bless you. When he realises you are really serious and not just being manipulative, then he will accept it or realise that he needs to do some major grovelling to show you that he does see a future for you both.

It took me to nearly lose DH before I realised that he was really important to me. Although it didn't take 6years...

It doesn't look too good though. I think you are doing the right thing. Being apart at christmas will give him time to really assess his feelings.

MissPronounced go back to your parents! try to take time out from thinking about it all, if you don't want to discuss it then ask your parents not to raise it with you just yet.
On the 27th sit down with your mum and a close friend and talk it out, cry, rage and then make a plan.

Your partner probably assumed it would eventually blow over and things would carry on.
He also assumed that it would all be on his terms, that the relationship would end when he was 100% sure. You have just taken control away and made it clear you won't wait for him to get to that point hence the strop and anger.

This is a really hard time for you but you can start the New Year knowing things will only get better.

Holeinmyheart: on the other hand, my OH is 68 and far fitter and more energetic than my 53 year old self (he's planning on a marathon as a V70 and racewalked 84 miles in 24 hours this summer), so go a bit easy on the "age gaps are bad and guys over 50 are half way to the grave" tack...

I had a very similar thing with my DH, quite a big age gap and in the early years of the relationship I didn't really think about or even care where it was going. About ten years ago (we'd been together about 5) I decided I'd quite like to have children so discussed it with him.

His reaction was that he was too old (40s) and he'd missed the boat on that one. I had to think long and hard over this but in the end had to say I'm really sorry but having kids is not something I can give up for you so we're going to need to call it a day. I was completely serious (even though it was scary as I'd been living in his house and would potentially have to start again but I'd done it before).

When he realised how serious I was he had a re-think. We are now married and have three DC (he originally agreed to just one then when she was born realised it was the best thing he ever did).....

That's my story anyway, hope you get things sorted.

I really think that for whatever reason, your DP wants to know he has an 'easy out'. Not that he doesn't love you (in his own way) or doesn't want to 'spend the rest of his life with you' (at least as of right this minute, that is) but he needs to know that he has a ready 'escape hatch'. To me, that means that he isn't 100% committed. He could easily be with you for the next 50 years. But he could just as easily wake up one morning or get angry at you for something and decide he's done. Marriage is that 100% commitment that says I trust in 'us' enough to bind us together legally. To take away the 'easy out', because even the most amicable of divorces are still hard. Could there be some issue from his first marriage that makes him unwilling to take a second chance on marriage?

I think his reaction to you expressing your feelings was way out of line. You weren't manipulative, you didn't demand he marry you or threaten to leave if he didn't. You just stated what you want for your life. What's so wrong about that? Does he expect you to give up what you want/need to be happy (marriage) just so that he can have what he wants (status quo)? Unfair. If he really doesn't want to marry, he should be able to acknowledge it calmly and be willing to accept that you may decide to end the relationship. Instead he throws a strop and tries to bully you.

I'm glad you talked to your mum and very glad you are going alone. You need that space and time to plan your future.

This happened to me! Empire State Building, Valentine's Day evening. I was so sure there would be a big diamond and my love going down on one knee. Gutted when nothing happened, and big row ensued. Months later the knee was bent and the diamond produced, all when I least expected it, and we've been married happily for 14 years. I do feel it is very cruel when one want to marry and the other doesn't, but maybe you just need to find some courage to wait a bit. Good luck! So pleased you are healthy. That, ultimately, is the most important thing. Blessings

I'm so sorry, that must have been awful to hear. I'm afraid with your last comment it's clear he wants to have his cake and eat it. He doesn't want the commitment of marriage but he doesn't want to lose you either. Have you discussed seriously about having children? Because, no offence to him, but he's not getting any younger and he really should have an idea by now.

6 years is plenty of time to know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. At best, he said it because he doesn't want to get married again due to a previous bad experience, at worst he likes having you as a girlfriend but doesn't want any kind of commitment. I suppose you're young enough to hang around to see if he'll change his mind but personally I wouldn't bother. I've known too many women waste years of their lives hoping a man will change his mind and he rarely does.

I'm sure he's a very nice person but that was a very hurtful thing to say to you. He's told you he doesn't want commitment and sadly, you need to listen to him. You are so young, you've done so well getting your health back and building a career for yourself. I'm sure he was very helpful with his support but YOU did that. You don't need him. I'm the same age as you and I can't imagine being with a man that old. Sorry if that sounds really ageist but I just can't. Luckily for you, you're young enough to find someone who actually wants to marry you and build a future with you. I don't want to tell you what to do as ultimately it's your decision but I really think you can do so much better. The ending of a long-term relationship is very scary but I think you'll surprise yourself at how well you could cope without him.

It's the statement that he's not sure he wants to be with you long term that's the deal breaker, not the ring.
I'm sure you could find a way to compromise on the wedding if you believed he was fully committed.
Be strong. You are doing the right thing.