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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel cheated that you can't actually have it all?

304 replies

ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat · 09/12/2014 20:18

Many moons ago I was educated in a fantastically positive school, where as females we were taught that we could achieve anything a male could achieve and that if we worked hard enough and planned well enough, we could 'have it all' in life.

So now, with my collection of letters after my name, respectable job, 2 usually well-behaved children, lovely husband and a multitude of lists to keep life running smoothly, I'm slowly realising that it doesn't matter how hard I work or how meticulously I plan, unless I steal a bloody tardis I still can't have it all.

Feeling particularly bitter as was up all night with poorly child, who I then left with a relative to not miss work today (=feeling like rubbish mother) and then as I'd had no sleep I was not very productive at work (=also feeling like rubbish employee). Since others at my level are generally male and tend to have stay at home wives, this kind of feeling inadequate at both home and work doesn't tend to occur for them.

Honestly feeling like I should advise daughter to either:
a) marry rich man, get good prenup and focus on children/household or
b) be career driven and marry man who is happy to stay at home and focus on children/household.

AIBU to feel cheated that I can't 'have it all'? (NB in case lost in my sleep-deprivedness this is a --partially- tongue-in-cheek AIBU)

OP posts:
LePetitMarseillais · 13/12/2014 19:37

It's not about baking cakes,it's about being there.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/12/2014 19:41

I like baking. I like walking the dog. I like mucking out the horse. I like reading the paper.

We are a long time dead.

aliciaj · 13/12/2014 19:41

I agree with greengrow. My mum never picked me up from school either. She is my hero and I remember writing about what she did as young as year 7. I thought she was special as she wasn't like the other mums. It is 100% the reason I am like I am now and it means I don't have a sexist marriage. I didn't even think it was that rare to not be in a sexist marriage until I came on here.

I am very thankful she was like she was or it could of been me having to be worn out doing everything with a man that took advantage of me.

LePetitMarseillais · 13/12/2014 19:47

My mum was a sahp for some of the time(most sahp are only temporary),my sister and I managed to find equal partners. Not hard.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/12/2014 19:54

It's honestly men I sympathise with on this issue more than women. Much more in fact.

I'm a SAHM. So much is set up for women to do this. Everything geared towards women. And I love it. Many of the hardcore on this issue will sneer when I say this, but I relish sharing the minutiae of their lives. Not the big stuff like sports matches etc but the little things that I would otherwise miss. My DH misses the massive majority of it by virtue of being at work for so much of the week.

And you know what,the working world will still be there when I decide to return. It probably won't be much interested in me, but it won't get the same from me as it did pre children so that's undoubtedly fair. So in short, I get the best of everything. My dh.... yep he gets the best of the working world. But let's see if he gives a flying fuck about that on his seventies. Or his working world gives a flying fuck about him!

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/12/2014 19:59

Of? Seriously.

aliciaj · 13/12/2014 20:31

I don't sneer. I just think whether you sah or work that a person should do an equal amount at home with their children. If women can't have a balanced life it is usually because men don't play fair. I have sah, worked full time, 30 hours, 25 hours, both working, me at work and him at home and vice versa, and I don't think any have been detrimental to the children.

I think comments to greengrow about her being a mother are not very nice at all.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/12/2014 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliciaj · 13/12/2014 20:44

So what? I say it as its part of my regional accent. I don't judge people on where they came from but if it's up to you if you do.

GinnelsandWhippets · 13/12/2014 20:51

Hmmm. I think you just have to make peace with your choices. Then you really can feel like you're 'having it all' it's just you need to be realistic about what 'all' means. And don't slip into the dreadful habit of trying to do everything at work and home while your partner faffs around. I can't bear this 'ooh aren't i lucky, DH is babysitting tonight so I get to go out' attitude. Not babysitting - taking care of his kids. Not 'helping out at home' - doing chores like a normal person. I know a number of women -WOHM and SAHM who've fallen into this trap and I find it baffling. The only way you get to have it all is to be more demanding in your personal life I think. I'm very glad that DH shares this attitude. When we had just had newborn DS1 and I was knackered after being up feeding him for hours I remember being desperately grateful that he offered to take him downstairs for a bit so I could sleep (even though he had to go to work in the morning). 'Don't be daft' he said, 'better both of us are a bit tired than one of us on our knees and the other just fine. We're a team.' That's the way to do it I think.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/12/2014 20:58

Of is not part of a regional accent.

It is just wrong.

aliciaj · 13/12/2014 21:03

I see you deleted your earlier comment. Hmm

Greengrow · 13/12/2014 21:03

I agree with making peace with your choices. Whether you are home or at work, male or female, some people are simply not happy and others are able to accept things and be content. It is an issue of mental health and contentment much more than how many hours you work. The person who interviewed me and other successful women said we were "satisficers" - women who are largely content with what they do, pragmatists. Best to be that and if you're not change your thinking so you are.

Will read back to see what was said about my sterling 30 years of very successful motherhood whilst working full time..... I am sure it is only praise heaped on praise......

Greengrow · 13/12/2014 21:10

I just meant that if your circumstances make mother and father content children are happy. They know that is the norm - super successful parents or mother. We always had one of us home for 6pm by the way when the nanny left and that always felt like the right amount of time with them.

I am in the house now tonight with 3 of them - the other teenager is out and the oldest child is married and not here. I absolutely know they were happy we worked, really. They were never neglected. They had more attention from mother, father, nanny than many a child with a stay at home mother whose husband is not often there. They had huge benefits from the influences of others in their life. There is no lack of closeness. Indeed my daughters have been interviewed in the press a few times for articles about working mothers over the last 30 years and they have never said they wished I did not work. Also the girls are lawyers too now like I am so that brings its own synergies.

Anyway I am not telling any man not to stop staying at home (or woman). Just to be content, be satisfied with your choices, know you are doing the right thing and if you aren't change it. it's all about psychology really. I am from a family of psychiatrists and I think that helps too.

What makes you happy is lots of sleep, good food, exercise, some peace and time alone for many people. What makes children happy is very similar plus contented parents and absence of stress, shouting etc in the home.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/12/2014 21:16

I don't know how you found the time.

aliciaj · 13/12/2014 21:19

I'm doing this on phone, watching tv, watsapping my friends and feeding my baby all at same time Grin

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/12/2014 21:22

Poor baby.

aliciaj · 13/12/2014 21:24
Xmas Grin
GinnelsandWhippets · 13/12/2014 22:02

I agree with Greengrow 100%.

Meechimoo · 13/12/2014 22:33

Greengrow, when you talk about "if your circumstances make mother and father content" you don't mention the fact that you and your husband got a divorce and are no longer together.
It's relevant.

LePetitMarseillais · 13/12/2014 23:29

Yes it is very relevant.

Would also like to point out that since I have gone back to work full time life is now very stressful and shouty at times.To be frank life was a lot easier and less stressful with a sahp. And before you say it my dh does more than his fair share and is bending over backwards to help make it work.

LePetitMarseillais · 13/12/2014 23:33

My kids are clearly f***d.

That said I think the Greengrow myth of 2x wp with oodles of spare time,a clutch of privately educated kids cared for by nanny all gambolling merrily from one joyous family quality time event to another is just that-a myth.It isn't reality for 90% of families with 2 times full time wp families.

I would go further and suggest that a huge proportion of families if they could choose wouldn't plump for the 2x wp but 1 1/2 or 2x 3/4 or 2x 1/2.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/12/2014 07:02

Meech...really??

Whilst I am sorry to hear that you and your family had to experience this green grow, you have made out that you managed to balance work and building awesome relationships with your five children and you stress how important it is to limit arguments and stress in front of children, as though you managed to achieve all this. In short, you make out that you have some kind of uber perfect family life. Telling us all to eat well, sleep well, chill out, avoid arguing and stress in front of the children.

You are part of the problem in stressing out women! Presenting yourself and family in such a way, but omitting a pretty key fact about your family, which would reveal that maybe everything wasn't quite so peachy.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/12/2014 07:07

That's it petit, isn't it? Green grow made out that she was a ale to achieve all that she has with a perfectly harmonious family background. Clearly she didn't.

She is no doubt going to return to the thread with some powerful and impassioned speech about how her divorce has absolutely nothing to do with the issue.

Bollox it doesn't. You painted a picture green grow, look back at your posts, you painted picture and it turns out it wasn't quite true.

IPreferCats · 14/12/2014 07:21

My twins are 4 and at school. Motherhood for me is a choice between guilt and resentment. I went back to work and did the guilt thing - that didn't work for me. I stopped work and was totally resentful towards my husband for a while that he could have the family he always wanted and continue in his successful career.

Now I am happy. I am no longer resentful and I have no reason to feel guilty - I'm able to be here for them if they need me. I'm studying towards a new career. I will be self employed and able to manage my work around the children.

I am very fortunate that I don't need to earn money and I appreciate that.

For some mothers, there is no choice. For those of us who do have the choice, we really shouldn't complain.