to feel cheated that you can't actually have it all?

[ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat]

Many moons ago I was educated in a fantastically positive school, where as females we were taught that we could achieve anything a male could achieve and that if we worked hard enough and planned well enough, we could 'have it all' in life.

So now, with my collection of letters after my name, respectable job, 2 usually well-behaved children, lovely husband and a multitude of lists to keep life running smoothly, I'm slowly realising that it doesn't matter how hard I work or how meticulously I plan, unless I steal a bloody tardis I still can't have it all.

Feeling particularly bitter as was up all night with poorly child, who I then left with a relative to not miss work today (=feeling like rubbish mother) and then as I'd had no sleep I was not very productive at work (=also feeling like rubbish employee). Since others at my level are generally male and tend to have stay at home wives, this kind of feeling inadequate at both home and work doesn't tend to occur for them.

Honestly feeling like I should advise daughter to either:
a) marry rich man, get good prenup and focus on children/household or
b) be career driven and marry man who is happy to stay at home and focus on children/household.

AIBU to feel cheated that I can't 'have it all'? (NB in case lost in my sleep-deprivedness this is a --partially- tongue-in-cheek AIBU)

[Meechimoo]

Salivating in glee?! Yes, that's exactly what I was doing. Rofl.

[Meechimoo]

Exactly Petit. Greengrow has compared sahms with prostitutes in the past, so to point out that her comments about what makes for a harmonious life for mothers and fathers,was missing one glaring, huge, highly relevant and pertinent fact, is mild by comparison.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

whattheseithakasmean mentioned salivating in glee.

hth

[Meechimoo]

Yes Chunderella, but when you state that you've found your own personal Nirvana with a non sexist partner who does exactly 50% if not more, it does put forward a somewhat distorted view of your life.

[LePetitMarseillais]

A high paying career isn't the meaning of success to many but we are duped into thinking it is.

To some an enduring,happy relationship,particularly with the partner of your dc's parent is important.

If you want to put a high flying career on a pedestal,frankly not seeing why others can't do the same with relationships.

[iamthenewgirl]

Ah, Xenia has morphed into Greengrow... It all makes sense now.

Of course we all choose to work in full time low paid jobs, don't we?

[LinesThatICouldntChange]

I disagree that we're all somehow duped into thinking the only success in life is having a high flying career. I think the reality for most of us is that success in life comes from a variety of things... Usually fulfilling personal relationships with partner, children, family; wider interests out side of the home, and yes, for many of us, our work life too.

I imagine very few people genuinely tie up all their feelings of self worth in just one thing... Whether its job, being a parent or whatever.

And tbh it doesn't sound as though Greengrow does... She clearly loves her career and is bloody good at it, but I believe from previous posts she has a large family so I would imagine she gets a lot of fulfilment from her children too. I remember her posting about how much she loved babies and was keen to have them at a young age.

[Greengrow]

Indeed. I adore babies. I was reading my mother's NCT leaflets about best position to give birth in (standing) when i was 14. Waiting until 22 to have a baby was a long wait. I am very maternal. I also enjoy work. I am very lucky that I have both.

I do tend to get quoted out of context. I said if women live off male earnings that is provision of sex, house cleaning, childcare and hopefully some love but is not always a good idea. I also try to counter the massive propaganda that suggests being home with your baby is best for it. It can be best to work. So I as a working mother can cite the advantages to children of mothers working full time and stay at home mothers can cite why they think it is better for children if they stay home. We can each hold our views and express as them as live in the UK not North Korea

However I have always always said that being healthy and happy with good mental health should be most people's priority.

What I don't like is suggestions that working mothers (or fathers) don't really see much of their children. that is simply not so and not for most of the full time working parents I've worked with for teh 30 y ears I've been a parents - we rush home, we leave work for carol services, we take children hither and thither we do a good enough job and are satisfied in what we do.
I think my 20 year marriage is as long as many posting on this thread.

[aliciaj]

Agreed Greengrow. The thing that made me so ambitious was striving to afford a big family. We also hope to have 5.

[vdbfamily]

I think that most of the angst with the issue being discussed is not with the working mums who choose to work or the SAHM's who want to be at home. The angst comes when you want to be a SAHM and find you cannot afford to be as house prices are based on 2 salaries. Or a mum who can't think of anything worse than being stuck at home with their small children all day but who cannot afford the price of decent childcare. If you are living in a way that you want and choose to live,however hard it is ,you are at least there by choice. I speak to so many women who work because they feel they have to and would prefer not to. Society has changed into one that assumes 2 incomes and the choice has been removed for SAHM's if their partner is on an average salary.

[Greengrow]

But that post assumes women pay for childcare! Even 30 years ago men and women split it and plenty of women even then earned more than their man as I did.

[vdbfamily]

Greengrow if you are referring to my post, when I talk about not affording childcare,I am talking about the family unit,not just the woman.I have never had any separate finances to DH and forget that others do so sorry if that was unclear. If you were referring to another post then sorry for needless explanation.

[Want2bSupermum]

Well another weekend and another Monday morning where I am exhausted and starting my day behind because I didn't get a chance to get work done over the weekend. I have deadlines to meet and at this rate they are not going to be met.

What kills me is when others say it is my full because I should 'schedule' my time. The problem is that my time isn't mine. On Friday evening DH invited another couple from his office to our home for 5pm. DH made a song and dance about cooking all the dinner but it was me who fed, exercised and put the kids to bed and I did all the cleaning up after dinner. Saturday morning was no different with me doing chores around the house with two young kids at my feet. DH was on skype with his sister for an hour and then watched football while the baby napped. i then did the art project I had been planning all weekend. Finally after losing my temper we got out of the house and out to run errands. Made it back for 5pm when I made dinner for the kids after DH heated up some Indian food the kids hated. Saturday night was awful with the office Christmas dinner starting at 830pm. DH thought it would be nice to go early so we could have a drink together and stop by the shops to pick a couple of things up. We spent over 2 hrs in a bar with me not drinking anything as I was the designated driver. I got about 3 hours of sleep on Saturday night as DH was snoring so loudly.

Sunday morning continued in the same way. DH stayed home while I met a guy at the storage room to sell our bed that DH hates. We are spending $130 a month on this unit and everything in it needs to go by this Friday or we pay yet another month. I sort out getting the bed out of there, meeting the guy at 830am. I run back home to find my kids naked and hungry while DH has made himself curried home fries with a fried egg on top. I feed the kids, get the baby into their nap and do laundry. DH is watching the Liverpool game followed by a one hour call with his parents. After a meltdown DH agrees that he could help. We load the kids in the car and dump stuff for charity and run back to the storage unit to get the crib we sold plus other stuff for our old neighbor. DH insists we go for ice cream and I am left with two hyper kids on Sunday night. It was almost 10pm before DD got to bed.

Quite frankly I am an inch off giving DH divorce papers for Christmas. He had the nerve to tell me he is exhausted as well. I don't know what from though because he did fuck all this weekend.

So having it all for me means doing everything. Not my idea of fun and it gets old real fast.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Want2bsupermum... Your problems have nothing to do with the issue of having it all, and EVERYTHING to do with having a useless DH.

[bronya]

Want2beSupermum your DH did less for your children last weekend than mine did - and I'm a SAHM! I hope things improve soon and he pulls his weight more.

In terms of 'doing everything' - I think it is important that the children in a family know that they come first for someone. Could be mum or dad, but someone - preferably not the nanny...

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Your DH is a useless twunt Want2.

Sounds like he had a lovely weekend.

[leedy]

Yes, that's not "not having it all", that's "being married to a selfish pillock".

I don't think I "have it all", but I certainly have something reasonable - good job that I like/am good at/am paid well for/is reasonably flexible, two lovely kids, some time for hobbies, happy relationship. The main thing that makes it workable, IMO, is having a partner who genuinely does 50% of the house and kid-wrangling stuff, which was always a priority for me before I'd even consider having DC. Though having a really short commute also helps. And a cleaner.

[Want2bSupermum]

What is sad is that I don't think I am alone in having a useless DH. I have tried leaving things to drop and then the kids miss out. I now just lose my temper at an opportune time and he will work with me for about 3-4hours. I have no clue how this idiot manages to make so much money. I regularly tell him this too as I am fed up.

[Greengrow]

Want, you arelly reallyh do have it much much worse than most women. We at one stage halved the weekend - I had the children all day Saturday and he had them Sunday. you have nothing like that there - I cannot believe in 2014 any woman tolerates that for even a second. It is not normal. It is not acceptable. It is utterly sexist and not what any couples I know have where both work full time. You cannot have it all because you are married to a lazy sexist who needs a kick up the bottom.

Tell him you will be away from 8am Saturday to 1pm Sunday and book yourself into a nice hotel if you can afford it, next weekend.

The fact you have conned yourself into thinking your husband is what men are like is just to comfort yourself. You need to understand men are not like that. Mine did more than I did at home and that was 30 y ears ago from when we first married. Even my father in the 1960s did all the night feeds of those bottle fed and he hoovered the house in Saturdays, emptied bins etc etc.. These are normal fair loving men.

Are you in the UK? Are you from a different culture than English?

[hollyisalovelyname]

Want2besupermum I think your husband is suffering from that well known disease - learned helplessness.
Very handy to have. Gets you off the hook in lots of situations - minding children, helping with housework etc.

[Want2bSupermum]

DH is Danish and I am English but more international as grew up all over the place. DH is from a very working class background where you must have a job or you are nothing. His parents have a set up where his mother bosses his father around and the guy isn't allowed to think for himself. I almost didn't marry him due to this.

DH works for a slaughterhouse group and there are extremely few women. I am the only wife that has a career. The workplace is set up that you work Monday-Friday and then do nothing work related over the weekend. HQ didn't approve of the Christmas dinner being on a weekend.

We are not in the UK. We live just outside of NY with me working in Manhattan and him spending a lot of time flying to meet with customers.

[Want2bSupermum]

It's not learned helplessness because he genuinely thinks he does more than his fair share. It's more of an attitude of I earn this much so shouldn't have to do much around the house. My efforts to get ahead are sabotaged repeatidly which is what I think he is thinking when he doesn't help out.

I would love to start my own business but there is no way it can happen without him doing his fair share.

I emailed him this morning to get a plan together for this week and when I said the floors needed doing on Wednesday he ask why because they were done over the weekend! I mean Jesus on a bike. We have two kids at home and the nanny was handed her notice so isn't cleaning. It's 500sqft so just get on and Hoover. He gets home at 530 so no excuse. I get home at about 9 and normally spend at least 2 hours doing stuff before going to bed.