to feel cheated that you can't actually have it all?

[ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat]

Many moons ago I was educated in a fantastically positive school, where as females we were taught that we could achieve anything a male could achieve and that if we worked hard enough and planned well enough, we could 'have it all' in life.

So now, with my collection of letters after my name, respectable job, 2 usually well-behaved children, lovely husband and a multitude of lists to keep life running smoothly, I'm slowly realising that it doesn't matter how hard I work or how meticulously I plan, unless I steal a bloody tardis I still can't have it all.

Feeling particularly bitter as was up all night with poorly child, who I then left with a relative to not miss work today (=feeling like rubbish mother) and then as I'd had no sleep I was not very productive at work (=also feeling like rubbish employee). Since others at my level are generally male and tend to have stay at home wives, this kind of feeling inadequate at both home and work doesn't tend to occur for them.

Honestly feeling like I should advise daughter to either:
a) marry rich man, get good prenup and focus on children/household or
b) be career driven and marry man who is happy to stay at home and focus on children/household.

AIBU to feel cheated that I can't 'have it all'? (NB in case lost in my sleep-deprivedness this is a --partially- tongue-in-cheek AIBU)

[ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat]

see I'm so tired I can't even orientate ^ and < for italics! A clear sign I should get off mumsnet and get some sleep.

[Azquilith]

I have a high powered job and a DS. I don't feel guilty about leaving him with a childminder because I would go nuts at home with him all the time. I enjoy our weekends, and sneaking off early to pick him up occasionally 'doctor's appointment', and I breastfed him for 18 months - and he loves his Mummy to bits.
I work in a man's world and get asked the odd weird question 'who looks after your son when you are away' 'uh, well there were two of us who made him'. But I don't care. If women don't work, and show that they are just (if not more :D) capable than men, then there won't be a choice for some women to be SAHM because that will be expected as our secondary role in society.
I'd rather my DS didn't grow up thinking that a women is there to tidy the house and take his kids to playgroup.

[HesterShaw]

I agree you cannot have it all. My mother thought she should be allowed to have it all. She is an unpleasant and bitter woman because of all the things she thought she should have had.

Sounds to me like you're doing ok though, just muddling through life like the rest of us :). I often think if people were to lower their expectations they would be happier. Disclaimer: I don't think obviously that this means people should put up with crap situations etc, but that we should just seize those moments which make us smile and cherish them.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I went to a girls school where we were taught that we could do anything

I went to a co-ed shit school where we were taught we wouldn't amount to anything.

I know what I would choose.

[Susiesoop]

YANBU, have definitely had days were I have felt the same, especially in periods of balancing child sickness + work. I work in a male dominated environment at a mid senior level and am def not the norm! But I am doing my best for the security of my family (and we have needed this when dh out of work previously). It was necessary for me to go back to work after ds1 for financial reasons. However now feel lucky too as I have had 2 children and somehow managed to do pretty well in my career during the same period. I put this down to becoming much more efficient after having children (plus having experienced toddlers and developed my patience to previously unheard of levels there's not much now at work that winds me up!) I think/hope our sons/daughters will find it all easier.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Haha chipped that made me giggle. Laughing with you not at you of course! A teacher once singled me out with that gem.

[ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat]

plus having experienced toddlers and developed my patience to previously unheard of levels there's not much now at work that winds me up! - so true Susiesoop, when not sleep deprived I definitely feel I am better at dealing with the shite work throws at me as after whining toddlers its all relatively easy!

[FindoGask]

I've never understood what the phrase 'having it all' means - it seems a bit lifestyle magazine to me, a bit glib and simplistic. At the moment I work full time to support a husband who is a full time student and two young children. I don't feel guilty taking time off work to look after someone if I need to, and nor do I compare my career progress (or lack of it) unfavourably to my colleagues.

The only thing I get annoyed with myself about is not working harder at university and making the most of the opportunity when I had it the first time around. I study part-time now and I'm a far more diligent student than I used to be, but unfortunately it's a bit too late for me to do much with my degree when I get it.

[UnMasterChef]

I could have written this post (although child isn't ill at the moment), girls school, lots of qualifications, good degree, good job, now senior, fancy job. But it's a juggling act, my home looks like a bomb has hit it most of the time. Most days I feel like a rubbish employee, rubbish mum or both, because I don't have enough time to do either properly. I don't want to give-up either, but I'm not sure I can do both. I did downscale the job a bit, gave up the fancy London job and stupid commute, but found amazing job near home, which has become demanding. I do wonder what I should tell DD for the best, at the moment supporting her idea of being a drummer/ ballerina/ astronaut does seem for the best.

Right, self indulgent rant over, it's 9.15pm and have a couple more hours work to do before I go back to the office tomorrow morning

[ithoughtofitfirst]

OP you sound like you're doing awesome. Even on a shit day.

I'm sitting in my council flat covered in baby puke and milk watching the football with dh. I haven't even clipped my nursing bra from the last feed. What's the point. Dishes not done, toys not cleared away, can't remember the last time i wrote a list or even held a pen. You're my hero.

[Mintyy]

Are you new to Mumsnet?

If not, how can you possibly have missed this mammoth thread on exactly the same subject just 2 weeks ago?

here

[PaleoTillChristmas]

This thread from 2012 covers the "having it all" myth. Really interesting. General conclusion is that having it all means having to do it all.

My personal opinion is that part-time jobs should be much more widely available, in other words, working culture needs to change to allow for more "life".

[PaleoTillChristmas]

Cross posts Mintyy!

[ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat]

ithoughtofitfirst your nursing bra is still unclipped? You are clearly more advanced than me, I've found if you yank hard enough you don't ever need to even unclip the buggers. Saves me a good few milliseconds in my packed day.

how can you possibly have missed this mammoth thread on exactly the same subject just 2 weeks ago? surprisingly easily since I spend most of my life working or submerged under my undone laundry. Will have a read though.

[WooWooOwl]

Your children won't always be this little. Things are always going to be more difficult when you have small children, no matter what your family set up. You will get the sleep/time/energy you are craving right now when your children are older, that's the way it naturally works.

Having it all is dependant on what your personal definition of 'all' is. And whether you can appreciate or not.

[LinesThatICouldntChange]

'Having it all' is a ridiculous and meaningless phrase.
However, it's perfectly possible to have children and work... It's what the majority of men and women do. Don't over think it all- just get on and live it

[Apatite1]

I don't want to have it all, because I don't want to do it all. I have a great part time job, husband does the long hours and brings in the big bucks but I'm happy with my free time. If/when we have kids, they'll be looked after by me 4 days a week, by their father 3 days a week. This I appreciate is only possible because we have achieved seniority in our careers, it's much harder when you're putting in the dogsbody hours (been there, done that).

[TheBogQueen]

It's killing me and DP but we don't have a choice.

[CountryMummy1]

I had a high flying career after an excellent (and expensive education) and presumed that I would continue with it after I had children. Infertility, losses and nearly losing my younger sister changed all that. I realised that I would regret not spending time with my children more than I would regret giving up my career (and unfairly perhaps, taking a career break is effectively giving it up in my line of work). I left and I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

I have bad days when I long for the relative calm and adult environment of the office, and shout at my DH because he is able to leave the chaos in the morning but I wouldn't have it any other way

I have seen every single one of my children's first, know everything they have done every minute of each day and, to me, that was worth the sacrifice. Other people might think differently and that's fine. You have to do what makes you the happiest.

If you are having a few niggling doubts then maybe it's time to make a bit of a change, whatever that might be.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I have wasted my education and career but then I just think how much my education is now benefiting my children and how many career prepared me to be the best mother I can be. Whatever you decide, try to see the positives rather than feel guilty.

[HesterShaw]

If not, how can you possibly have missed this mammoth thread on exactly the same subject just 2 weeks ago?

That was a bit unnecessary. Not everyone spends every waking moment on MN. I have been on MN years and I didn't see that thread.

[FindoGask]

ha, same, Hester!

[CocobearSqueeze]

Everyone needs a break - make sure you get help, even if you have to pay for it. That way you can spend that little free time you have with your kids.

[aliciaj]

I have it all. I have a career I love. I have 3 children. I have a dh who stays at home and so I never have to cook ever which is brilliant to me! I also have time off in the week and weekends to all be together. I definitely have it all

[MrsBigginsPieShop]

OP nothing profound I can add except to say you sound lovely, and you're doing a fantastic job. Your boss, husband and children are all lucky to have you x

[museumum]

It depends what you mean by a great career. I LOVE what I do and I'm not going to out myself but most people are fascinated when I tell them. However I have always valued work/life balance and pre-ds kept my working hours in check in order to pursue sports, hobbies and youth voluntary work.
This means that I'm finding balancing work with motherhood ok actually. It's still a panic if he gets sick but in general life is ok. I currently work a four day week, and we live in walking distance of both our workplaces and nursery.

When people suggested to my 16,17 yr old self that I could "have it all" not once did I imagine a 60hr working week. I've worked really really hard for that balance which doesn't give me a six figure salary but I strongly believe nobody needs a six figure salary.