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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I just got punched. in front of my three and four year old.

310 replies

Faultysingledad · 07/12/2014 15:24

I'll start at the beginning. I popped to the supermarket to buy some bits and bobs for a meal that me and my boys are preparing for some family visitors tonight. I had my boys with me as I'm a single dad. We went in and got the boys and bobs that we needed. My lads are good, but we're starting to get a little bit fractious towards the end, as it was pre Christmas busy. We went back to the car and loaded up. No issues. As I was driving out, I realised that I'd forgotten the cream for making my potato gratin. No big deal, we spun round parked up again and I started to get the lads out. They didn't want to go in again. No problem. They are good lads and obedient, and understand the meaning of a promise. I asked them if they would like to stay in the car whilst I ran in to the shop. They eagerly agreed. I told them that they must stay in their seats, and that they could read their books or play with their toys. They are both sticklers for rules, so I had every confidence that this is what would happen for the couple of minutes that I would be out of sight. So car alarm internal sensors deactivated, doors deadlocked and kids happy, that's what happened. And when I returned 2-3 minutes later, that's exactly how I found them, happily reading books to each other. Everything was fine, until some bloke came and angrily pulled open my door and started yelling at me. Now I KNOW that this is a controversial subject, and that lots of people would have condemned my actions as neglectful, but respectfully, that's their opinion, which isn't born out by facts or law. I'm a fairly thoughtful bloke, but I've got some quite strong opinions about this nanny state, risk averse society that is increasingly prevalent. I've already considered this whole issue, and I'm very aware that this is an issue that has been done to death on mumsnet, and I'm also aware that my opinion is against the majority opinion these days. Anyway, I digress. The bloke that opened my car door was aggressive and shouty. I didn't get a chance to put my thoughts about risks vs benefits, or the fact that more kids get run over and killed in busy car parks than get abducted from cars, or that it was my parenting decision and none of his business, I just told him to go away. He said he was going to call the police, I said be my guest, I'd done nothing illegal. I told him to go away again, he punched me. My kids were screaming in fear at this point. It was all a bit of a blur to be honest. Shortly afterwards I managed to get my door shut and drive away.

My problem is, I don't know what to do now. Normally it would obviously be to report it to the police, but to be honest, I can't be doing with all the hand wringing and questions asked about my parenting. I should imagine that there's quite a risk that the police would report me to social services at the very least, and I don't need the stree, even though I would wholeheartedly defend my decision making process. Plus, I have no idea of this blokes identity.

Should I just chalk it up to experience and try to forget about it? That's my current plan, but I'm always inclined to bury my head in the sand about stuff anyway, and it's not always the best course of action. The most distressing thing about the whole thing is that it's obviously deeply upset my boys, who keep asking about the 'horrible man.'

Thoughts?

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 07/12/2014 18:45

Well, there is such a thing as spontaneous human combustion so I don't think the children were safe with their father, either. I mean, FFS they could have been holding his hand! Shock

Won't someone please think of the children?! Sad

Cherriesandapples · 07/12/2014 18:48

He should not have punched you but who knows, maybe he was left in a car with his brother when young and something horrific happened and seeing your children in the car triggered rage in him. I saw three kids left in the dark outside the supermarket a few weeks ago. I lurked until the parent came back just in case. There was a death locally a few years ago when the normally sensible 4 year old got out of the car and was run over!

temporaryusername · 07/12/2014 18:48

If it is legal to leave your children that age alone for a few minutes then presumably the police won't pursue it...would people with experience of social services agree? It is the choice of whatever adult is responsible for them from what people are saying. As I said, to me personally it wouldn't be a good choice, but if people want to do it with their own children and it is legal then you'll be fine to report the punch.

Just out of interest OP, did the guy look drunk/deranged? It seems an extraordinary thing for him to do, especially in front of children he was professing to be concerned about.

Never thought about the danger of slipping on grapes though, I certainly will now!

temporaryusername · 07/12/2014 18:51

Willkommen I meant that if the OP thinks it was an ok thing to do he should have the courage of his convictions and 'own it', forgive the phrase, if he wants to report it. If it is legal then obviously people, not me but very many, must agree with him.

youarekiddingme · 07/12/2014 18:55

I'd report. There are no laws which state you couldn't leave them and police cannot investigate with their own predujices leading the outcome.
You can only be convicted of anything (neglect) if any thing happens to the children when you leave them. Which it did not.

minklundy · 07/12/2014 19:03

OP sorry you got punched. Very sorry your kids witnessed it.
Otoh I think it would be good for the kids to see this kind of thing is not ok.
Otoh I can totally understand you not wanting the grief.
On balance I probably wouldn't bother. Espevially as if police or SS question your actions in front of dcs it might give them the confusing impression that what that nutter did was justified.

I would though have a good chat to the kids about it.

As for the car thing.
No its not illegal. But I would not deadlock car and if its not deadlocked then I'd be worried they'd get out. BUT I totally sympathise with not wanting to drag kids back into supermarket.

Bottom line, the kids are fine. Nothing happened to them but something did happen to you. You should talk to them about it.

stonecircle · 07/12/2014 19:03

I wouldn't report it. Haven't read whole thread so apologies if someone has already referred to this. I heard something recently - I think it was on radio 4 - about a man who left his toddler in the car while he went into a chemist. He could see his daughter for almost the whole time while he was waiting to be served, but not when he was at the counter. When he came out there were two policeman by his car who reprimanded him for leaving his daughter unattended and said it was neglect. Long story short, they involved social services and the child ended up on the at risk register. I think he may even have been arrested as there was something about his wife, a teacher, having to leave her class to go straight home.

There was a back story in that the man had previously made a complaint about one of the officers. But even so, if I was the OP, I'd be worried about something similar happening.

For what it's worth, no way would I have left my kids unattended in a car at that age. DH would though.

EBearhug · 07/12/2014 19:07

Is there a full moon tonight because people are seriously angry.

It was full moon last night.

HighwayDragon · 07/12/2014 19:18

At least they didn't end up in new york I'm not watching home alone, no

SauvignonBlanche · 07/12/2014 19:19

I'm sorry you had to experience that OP. My DH was shoved by a big angry man this weekend for a perceived crime. Thankfully DD was out of sight at the time.

Pagwatch described the phenomonen well, of "sanctimonious hectoring".

crumblebumblebee · 07/12/2014 19:22

This thread shows AIBU in a very poor light.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/12/2014 19:23

Obviously a delayed reaction, Bear.

Faultysingledad · 07/12/2014 19:24

Update. Tea was lovely, we had plenty to talk about, I've no visible bruises, and ive had the 'nasty man not obeying rule number one' chat about six times with the boys about six times. I'm pretty sure I'll not report it; too much pain for too little gain, I doubt the identity of the man can be gleaned, however my identity would be obvious. The telegraph link pretty much sums up my 'worst case scenario' situation, dad prosecuted for neglect, children on at risk register, takes a year to get conviction quashed, and vindicated. Ridiculous. I don't need that kind of stress. Interestingly, I completely forgot that I've got a 'dashcam' thingy which has recorded the audio of the whole thing; I've put the memory card to one side just in case someone reported me, along with my time stamped reciept for cream. Feeling a little better now, both myself and the boys will be fine, and thank you to everyone who expressed concern.

For the record, more kids get knocked over and killed in supermarket car parks whilst with their parents than die in spontaneously combusting cars, or even get abducted. Not sure about grapes though; I never factored them into my dynamic risk assessment process... Wink

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 07/12/2014 19:25

AIBU is only as good as the posters on it. It just takes one or two vociferously unpleasant ones to wreck it.

Fairenuff · 07/12/2014 19:25

Glad you're feeling better now OP.

sparklecrates · 07/12/2014 19:25

Have you watched Fargo. Kill him. Seriously what an arseholes obviously hyped up on DM fervour. he is wrong, And not just in the moral way. It n the 'psychopath who thinks he is clever enough to use pretend moral outrage to cover his mentalness. Report him as it will be very satisfying to watch him think the gallery is on his side whilst he spills that he is a cock.

3bunnies · 07/12/2014 19:27

Don't feel that you need to answer but I guess I would also consider whether there is an ex around too and what view they might take of the boys being left alone. Would this be brought up in any discussion of contact?

You shouldn't have been hit but I would share your caution in reporting it. Also how much would the boys actually be aware of any consequences for him? I would concentrate on reassure them.

Faultysingledad · 07/12/2014 19:27

Forgot to clarify; rule number one is 'BE NICE'
Rule number two and three are no silly noises and always do as your told, respectively, if anyone was wondering. Kind of a Humanist 10 commandments lite, in our house...

Thanks again for the kind words, the harsh ones are water off a ducks back Smile

OP posts:
WillkommenBienvenue · 07/12/2014 19:27

The way I judge these things is always 'how would I feel if something happened and I wasn't there to help?'. So I always dragged them in with me. Or had boiled spuds instead of gratin.

Faultysingledad · 07/12/2014 19:34

Completely get your point of view Wilkom, but my perception is that the risks of leaving them in situ briefly in this situation were lesser than the risks involved in dragging two upset, potentially uncooperative young chaps across a busy car park frequented, apparently, by the odd nutter as well as loads and loads of rushing stressed and distracted drivers. Sometimes you take your life into your own hands just walking down a row of parked cars, and it was a busy carpark this morning. Anyway, like I said, I respect your opinion, although mine is different. Thank you for not ACTUALLY punching me WinkGrin

OP posts:
minklundy · 07/12/2014 19:36

No silly noises before do what you're told.
I am liking them rules though Smile
Do you have a rule on climbing/clambering and furniture wrecking ( I need one) or is that covered by rule 3?

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/12/2014 19:40

How was the gratin, OP?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/12/2014 19:41

Glad you're OK OP Wine With a bit of luck, punchy twat slipped on a grape as he stormed off, then spontaneously combusted.

stonecircle · 07/12/2014 19:41

I make a very nice potato gratin using veg stock instead of cream. Bit of grated cheese and onion between the potato slices then pour stock over and bake. Delish!

And don't forget, Mr Nutjob is probably sitting at home now terrified that the police are going to be knocking on his door.....

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