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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - how little partner pays towards dc

241 replies

Bunnystopper · 02/12/2014 22:37

I have a 4 month old dc with my partner, I also have an older dc that has no contact with her dad and I have raised/supported single handed!

Myself and bf do not live together, but he stays at my place half the week, he does not contribute to my household but whilst here eats, uses gas/elec/water etc!

Since our dc has been born he has given me no money towards her upkeep, he has brought most but not all of her formula and 4 packs of nappies, I have brought all our dc Xmas presents except one toy for £6 that he brought.

My income has gone down (SMP) and my bills habe gone up because I'm home most the time during the day so spending more heating/electric ect!

AIBU to think that this is a little unfair and that instead of making a huge deal out of 1 box of formula he buys when we are out shopping he should be giving me a little something weekly/monthly towards the upkeep of our dc do I don't have to feel like I'm having to ask him to please buy milk?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 15:08

I'm not assuming anything darkest, I can't see where I have accused you of anything.

Sock, no, I know it wouldn't happen. That doesn't make it fair though. Unwanted pregnancies do become live born children, so before they get to that stage, both partners should be able to decide if they want to go on to be responsible for a live born child.

In the same way that some things are unfair against women, this thing is unfair against men.

How can you support children not receiving financial help from their father as a punishment for the mother not having an abortion because that is what your argument seems to boil down to?!

Talking of punishment is just ridiculous. I don't support children note receiving financial help from their father just the same as I don't support children not receiving financial help from their mother. But if one is allowed to not pay and not parent, then the other should be allowed to not pay and not parent. I support equality.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 15:11

Your master plan only applies to mothers who are out of work or on low incomes or in receipt of CB

If a mother can afford to support her children without a partner or the state, then obviously she has the right to choose that option when she finds herself pregnant as it will have very little impact on anyone else.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/12/2014 15:11

The thing is, procreation is inherently an unequal thing. It is the woman who has the majority of the burden in most situations. She must be the one to decide to carry the child or terminate because it is her body that gestates. She is the one who suffers time off of work and possible career stalls. Men can (and do) frequently just walk away. BFF's ex did just that. And spent the next 16 years not paying one penny of support. All he had to do was change jobs when support enforcement caught up with him and as a carpenter, that was very easy to do. Then he waltzes back into her son's life when he turned 19. No financial responsibilities and son is now old enough to go drinking with.

Both men and women need to acknowledge that 'sex makes babies'. Any contraception can fail. It happened to me when our DS2 was still in nappies, although I lost the baby. I taught my sons to use condoms and spermicide, to never rely on their partner for contraception. And that if, despite all efforts, a pregnancy resulted, to understand that it was their decision to have sex knowing that might happen. And that it's their responsibility to provide for any child that results, whether or not they wanted that child.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 15:14

AcrossthePond55 You sound like an exceptionally responsible parent.

I will also do the same when my DS is old enough to appreciate that information (which won't be long).

Sallystyle · 05/12/2014 15:21

And the prize for the most ignorant comment must go to this little nugget

Also how on earth do grown adults with other children still have unplanned pregnancies these days??

This grown adult managed to get pregnant with the IUD firmly in place when it is thought to be almost as good as sterilisation. That is how on earth it can happen.

OP I would run away from this cluster fuck of an embarrassing thread and start a new one in relationships.

You have some great advice here, you just need to wade thought the bullshit to find it.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 15:24

Phew that comment wasn't me.

wipes brow and runs

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 15:26

Talking of punishment is just ridiculous. I don't support children note receiving financial help from their father just the same as I don't support children not receiving financial help from their mother. But if one is allowed to not pay and not parent, then the other should be allowed to not pay and not parent. I support equality

No you don't because you don't appear to understand what equality is.

Mothers do not have a green light to refuse to fund or meet the care needs of live children HTH

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 15:27

Yes they do! That's the point!

They can have free abortions, and they can opt out of working for five years. You are not meeting the care needs of your child if you decide not to bring it to term or if you decide not to fund it yourself.

LegoAdventCalendar · 05/12/2014 15:27

RTFT. Bunny time to get the CSA involved. He needs to pay up. What a cock.

WooWooOwl · 05/12/2014 15:29

Sorry, shouldn't have said women can opt out of working because the working isn't the point. Financially supporting your child is the point, and some women may be able to do that without either working or having others do it for them.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:13

Women do not have the opportunity to opt out of paying for and looking after their kids unless they put then up for adoption. Whereas many men, number3s children's fathers included get to have a child and then do no parenting and pay nothing. How in any way is that fair?!
Men have to accept that if they have penetrative sex with a woman they may become a parent. They can choose not to have penis in vagina sex. They can use condoms and reduce the likelihood but still must accept the possibility. Everyone knows before having penetrative sex that that sex act can lead to babies. So accept that and then if the woman becomes pregnant it must be her choice what happens to her body.
If a baby is born it is equally the responsibility of those who had sex and made it. That is what is fair for the child and primary parent. How can you argue that it is unfair on men when the only way to make it 'fair' is to force women to have abortions? You either want to hurt women or hurt children just so men can have unprotected sex with no responsibility. How is that fair?

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:18

number3s children's fathers woah there, it's only the one father Wink

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:19

What about the women who lie and say they are on the pill to get pregnant?
What is your stance on that?

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:21

It is not greed on the part of women for men to pay for the upbringing of their children. It is vital for equality.
It teaches the children that a woman's only role isn't to be a mother and that only women have to bear the responsibility of the family.
It does children a huge disservice to teach them such set gender roles. You are not more independent you are just hurting all women in society and continuing in it on as your son is more likely to be a deadbeat just like his dad and your daughter will think it's normal to be walked all over.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:22

I knew you'd do that number3. I'll tell you why. Because you are a misogynist. You focused on me possibly calling you what you think is 'slutty' and ignored every point..

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:23

This reply has been deleted

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itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:24

As I've said a man who doesn't want kids should not have penis in vagina sex or should use condoms. Then these mythical 'pill-faking' women can't trick them can they.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:24

calling you what you think is 'slutty'
Considering I am pregnant with DC3 (ooh by another father)
which you clearly didn't know, is an interesting statement.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:25

No I only call people who are hugely sexist misogynist. It isn't name calling it's simply describing your behaviour.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:26

It is not greed on the part of women for men to pay for the upbringing of their children. It is vital for equality.
It teaches the children that a woman's only role isn't to be a mother and that only women have to bear the responsibility of the family.
It does children a huge disservice to teach them such set gender roles. You are not more independent you are just hurting all women in society and continuing in it on as your son is more likely to be a deadbeat just like his dad and your daughter will think it's normal to be walked all over.

Wow, i've really heard it all now.

So you think that explaining finances to a child and calling their Dad a deadbeat is a good way of raising a child?

Do you actually have children? If so, poor them.

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:28

As I've said a man who doesn't want kids should not have penis in vagina sex or should use condoms. Then these mythical 'pill-faking' women can't trick them can they.

hahahahahaha so you think women never do that?

I've got a best mate who done it - totally against my advice. She isn't mythical.

Where do you live? in a bubble? do you think all women are perfect and only men do things wrong?

Wow you really are something else.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 16:29

Last time I checked woowoo it was not medically possible to perform an abortion free or otherwise on a live born child.

Given that you went on a mini rant about work,you do know couples can also elect for a dad to be a SAHP if they want. Being a SAHP is not opting out of caring for or financing your child. If I had a SAHP in my household it would save me lots (over £200 per day minimum) that SAHP would be enabling me to have less stress getting to work and be contributing at minimum the equivalent of the childcare costs to my household none financial household contributions are just as valid as the financial ones and a household can choose either a mother or father to take on that role

Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 16:30

No I only call people who are hugely sexist misogynist. It isn't name calling it's simply describing your behaviour

so I am sexist because I earn my own money, don't rely on the state and don't rely on an ex- deadbeat for money?

That's a really strange description of me.

You have no idea what I am like, you are a finger pointing troll who thinks they can assess someone without ever meeting them.

You feel that you can call people stupid names because they don't agree with you?

Get over yourself.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2014 16:30

No I wouldn't call the father of children a deadbeat to them. Obviously.
But they would see throughout their child the contribution that their father made even in the smallest way and this would shape them as a person. I understand it's not always possible for everyone of course but it teaches children real responsibility.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/12/2014 16:31

Number3

Your friend could not have done it if the man had not been willing by his own lapse.