To feel uneasy about spending 30k on a wedding

[Kab13]

Posted before about a NYE wedding.
The venue has doubled in price. £5,500 for use of a mill, from 12 noon until 1am.
This would to be expected if they were hiring staff etc, but it's JUST for the venue.
The catering comes in a £2,546 for 80 guests. It's not that bad at all really. (IMO)
However from the start we've decided it's fairer to put our guests up at a local hotel ( premier inn) if we choose NYE, i don't think it's fair to expect people to pay either very expensive taxi fairs home (a lot of people are traveling) or to pay for a hotel and taxi fairs to a hotel.
We found a huge cottage, we wanted to hire this for 38 of our close family members and that's come in very pricey too as we have to hire it for 3 days over NYE. but that part, spending a couple of days with my loved ones was so important.
But, totalled it all up and it's about 22k BEFORE photography, linen, cutlery and crockery hire, flowers, invitations AND honeymoon.
I can see this costing 30k, and that is something that makes me feel guilty for.
A huge amount of that money is being spent on accommodation for our guests (6k and 80 guests inc children) but is feel unreasonable expecting others to cough up for it.
It's so much money but dp is set on NYE now.
Let the flamings begin.

£10k not £10, ha!

You can afford it? Then go right ahead. It's your money and your day.
I totallY understand why you want to do it for your family
However I'd be tempted to call the venue's bluff on the doubling of the cost. They're banking of you not wanting to cancel now so you'll stomach their price increase. If it were me, I'd tell them what to do with their double cost. But then that's me!

Enjoy your day whatever you do, and I hope you have a long and happy marriage.

38 people in a "cottage" would be a total nightmare. You'll spend another fortune on catering for them, and how on earth would you manage the logistics of several meals for 38 people, housework, clearing up when you leave etc etc? I still bear the scars of the time we did a house share with two other families, and there were only 14 of us.

Anyone I have ever spoken to says that while they felt v uncomfortable spending so much on their wedding, they never regretted it and wouldn't change a thing.

I think that the 'my wedding cost £2 and it was amazing' brigade on here are just bores.

Though I think YABU to pay for guest's accommodation. No one will expect that.

Haven't made any important decisions this year based purely on finances.
So confused.

I don't understand the situation with the mill. If you've already booked it, they can't put the price up. If you haven't booked it, I'm fairly amazed that it's still available only a month before NYE.

NYE next year... Haven't booked anything

Kab I don't want this to come across as patronising but when thinking about spending money I always use my dads rule, which is that one-offs should come from income, lump sums/capital should go into long term investments.
I made a £15k profit on my first flat and we considered spending that on our wedding, but my dad, whilst not stopping me/us, remonstrated quite strongly with us. He thought we should pay for the day we could afford out if our salaries (plus their contribution) and pay off our mortgage or do work on our new house with the £15k. i think its a really good rule and stopped me using any of that money for a holiday either. Now, almost a year since our wedding, we are having a loft conversion which is a long term investment in our future and home and dad was right - it's a much better use of the money IMO, and rather than spending the money, I'm just putting it somewhere safe and we can get it back if we ever sell the house (if prices don't crash horrifically that is...).
Sorry, I know your dad isn't alive to advise you, don't want the above to upset you. Of course you should do what you like with your money. I just know how tempting it can be to spend lump sums but if you do spend it on something that you can't then 'unlock' the money from again later, like an investment, it really will be gone forever so you need to be 100% sure.

P.s. Our wedding cost £8k, £5k from parents and £3k of our money saved in 6m, it was lovely and we had an amazing day.

For me personally it's too much given you could have the same party for much cheaper another night of the year.

FWIW we spent £20k on our wedding (big venue, big family, felt we should pay for family's accommodation as they all live in different countries etc etc). Like you we COULD easily afford it at the time. I was horrified by the amount and am not a bridezilla-ish person at all. Party was also hastily arranged as managed to get pregnant (had already been trying for 2 years and expecting to progress to IVF).

In the end it was lovely and even if husband turns out to be a wanker (no signs yet!) I wouldn't regret it.

is there a risk that your non-family members might be busy doing other things (being with their families?) on NYE?

30k makes me gulp, but it's true lots of people spend a lot on weddings - I think they're nuts, but it's their wedding, not mine! So my opinion isn't especially relevant

I think, from what you've said, spending this money on the wedding, even if you can afford it, isn't going to make you happy, because it's not really what you want to do.

So my advice would be to think about what it is you really want to do, and go from there. I wish you and your partner all the happiness in the world!

Registry office in a pair of jeans was slight exaggeration - but after organising lots of weddings I found that on the whole, the smaller ones with the tighter budgets were the ones that went best. Were more relaxed etc. Not saying we didn't do some big ones that didn't go well -but the ones that went did go 'wrong' were the ones with bigger budgets and higher expectations.
(I think the most important word of warning on a wedding is never have a free bar and lots of people that you don't know extremely well - especially if you are planning an all day event - that truly is IME is a recipe for disaster.)

It might help to sit down and think what you really want. Part of you, possibly the larger part, wants your family and your father's old friends to all get together and have a really big party - and your wedding provides a perfect opportunity for that.

That will happen whatever kind of wedding you have - £30K with all accommodation paid for - or where you are just providing the venue and food for much less cost.

Is there something here about wishing your parents were both there helping you? I got a bit non-plussed getting married because it was my first time, I was older, and my parents were both dead. Part of me became fixated on getting everyone who was left there - and it wasn't really about my getting married. It left my future husband a bit out on a limb as it wasn't really the wedding I was thinking about.

Talk to him and work out what you actually want.

FWIW I think its an astonishing amount of money to spend on a wedding - (we spent 5K on ours which I'm sure others would think was too much. But it was fun and involved lots of different kind of transport.)

More importantly for me family turned up from all over the world because that's what families do for weddings.

NYE might not be practical, that 30K would probably be better spent leaving you mortgage free or for your DD to go to University or a deposit on a house. But spend a bit less and still have a blast.

Also...don't waste money on table coverings and such like!

I could hire out the mill midweek for 1k.
Do a massive spread for 2k.
Not put anyone up, just have a wedding day.
I could do it incredibly cheaply. When I mentioned midweek half my bridesmaids (my sisters) told me they wouldn't be able to come because their kids aren't allowed to be taken out of school!
My mother also informed me I must feed EVERYONE and inviting family down for the evening reception was unreasonable.
I have a large, awkward family.

But I love them all dearly.

Do the travelling then! We had the full works white wedding for about £8000 5 years ago, then spent similar on the honeymoon, going travelling for 3 months. Still apparently less than the average of the time.
Absolutely no regrets about either!

DH was in a position to give 2 years notice of a 3m unpaid break, and I stuck with temporary work rather than seeking a permanent role knowing that I can't take leave at certain times.

OP, as others have said, that capital lump sum is your family's long-term security.

You have posted recently about your concerns about your DD's behaviour/development. I would personally (indeed, I am) saving any capital I had to secure her long-term future. If she turns out to have a lifelong condition, she may well need your help with all sorts. Even if not, that would be a good chunk of a deposit on her first home.

Invest it.

If you want to do it on New Year's Eve, I suggest you do it with a smaller number of people, possibly abroad. Bluntly, your dad's friends who you haven't seen since you were 10 are not really your nearest and dearest, are they? You would be providing a fully funded NYE night out for people who don't really know you at all. I forsee that this could go terribly wrong on the night, when you want it to be all about your marriage/family, but in fact it could be all about a big NYE booze up for a fair few of your guests.

Isitme,
You're right.
Everyone who's said it's too much is right. Suddenly feel like I really don't care and feeling guilty for even considering it.

Kab13 - checked out the place we stay in in Cornwall. weekend in January, 40 ish people all staying, wedding reception venue everything in £1400. Loads of people get married in cornwall so you are spoilt for choice for photographers, flowers, cake makers etc. I googled it and found loads. if you asked your guest to contribute towards the accommodation at £35 a head it would be even cheaper.

Another issue would be that you wouldn't actually be having a £30k wedding. You'd be having a £10k wedding. But paying three times as much simply because it's NYE. So pretty poor value for money.

You can hire Highclere Castle (Downton) for a mere 18K! If I had a 30K budget I'd be looking into that!

Mummymeister ,
Thanks you. I was going to PM you but got a tad overwhelmed by all the responses!

I would only spend £30k if I had sufficient savings that it would be a drop in the ocean and I wouldn't miss it. It isn't even one day. It is more like 12 hours.

my wedding was £950.00 all in and was lovely...its an awful lot of money, but having said that its your money to do as you please with, good luck...

My wedding is looking like it will cost about £2500 all in, £30k is more money than I've ever seen in my life!

I think you are irresponsibile. Its as if you have this idea and you are unable to put sensible limits on it and it mushrooms out of control. While you might have an inheritance and be able to afford it now, you might not always be in that position and with an approach to money and spending like this, it seems quite likely. So you seem quite a good candidate for ending up one day looking back at how you spent a silly amount of money on a few days.

What are you trying to achieve? Do you think if you spend more money and indulge your rather greedy guests, it will guarantee more enjoyment? What kind of message are you sending to your children and how do you think they will feel one day if they end up paying student loans and debts and are aware their parents spent £30,000 on a wedding?

Its also worrying that your DP has no common sense either and little grasp of money and spending or waste.

Most seriously rich people don't tend to waste money like this, at least if they have earned their own money, even though they might be incredibly generous, they are usually getting something out of it, and that something is usually networking, contacts, entrenching a certain position and standing, etc..

As for the mill, I think they saw you coming. And its a mill fgs. Its not a stately home, or a castle. It won't have any of the features of the latter or any of the grandiosity, yes it will be "nice" but mills were the factories of their day.