To feel uneasy about spending 30k on a wedding

[Kab13]

Posted before about a NYE wedding.
The venue has doubled in price. £5,500 for use of a mill, from 12 noon until 1am.
This would to be expected if they were hiring staff etc, but it's JUST for the venue.
The catering comes in a £2,546 for 80 guests. It's not that bad at all really. (IMO)
However from the start we've decided it's fairer to put our guests up at a local hotel ( premier inn) if we choose NYE, i don't think it's fair to expect people to pay either very expensive taxi fairs home (a lot of people are traveling) or to pay for a hotel and taxi fairs to a hotel.
We found a huge cottage, we wanted to hire this for 38 of our close family members and that's come in very pricey too as we have to hire it for 3 days over NYE. but that part, spending a couple of days with my loved ones was so important.
But, totalled it all up and it's about 22k BEFORE photography, linen, cutlery and crockery hire, flowers, invitations AND honeymoon.
I can see this costing 30k, and that is something that makes me feel guilty for.
A huge amount of that money is being spent on accommodation for our guests (6k and 80 guests inc children) but is feel unreasonable expecting others to cough up for it.
It's so much money but dp is set on NYE now.
Let the flamings begin.

[LilyPapps]

OP, you don't sound as if you really want this yourself - you want your family to be together, perhaps all the more so because of your father's early death, but you seem to feel they need sweeteners to come to your wedding! Don't feel guilty for even considering it, but for God's sake, don't feel railroaded into spending an enormous amount of money on something so ephemeral, when what you actually want (family and togetherness for a day) should cost very little!

Fwiw, I also have a large awkward family, whom I love, and my now-DH has another, and we dealt with the conflicting demands and expectations by simply running off to the local registry office with two witnesses and getting married in jeans, followed by a lunch. It was lovely, romantic, and cost a total of about three hundred pounds, with most of that going on champagne at the restaurant.

[Kab13]

thechandler
Ouch.
We haven't spent a penny yet. I think calling my family "greedy" is a bit ott nobody asked me to do anything for them on the day of our wedding.
And us irresponsible etc also a bit unfair.
But hey, is AIBU.
We both work very hard, especially dp.

[AnyFucker]

is dp going to be contributing financially ?

[TsukuruTazaki]

You sound very uneasy about blowing this amount so I think you should reign it in as unless you're very sure you want to spend that much it could start to cause some resentment - sounds like you feel a little pressured to do this to please your family rather than because it's the wedding you truly want.

FWIW I don't think I could bring myself to spend that much on a wedding. It's just one day! In your shoes I would be paying about £20,000 off my mortgage and I'm sure you could have a lovely wedding for £10,000 (probably better not on NYE). But at the end of the day it's up to you.

All the best whatever you decide to do for your wedding.

[Kab13]

He will be, with the extra from his wages every month for deposits ect. But doubt it would be half of £30,000!
He could go halfs of we spend about £15,000.
Don't really even want to spend that now, feel deflated about it all!

[Anomaly]

I'd be careful of spending too much as it is just one day. A friend of mine planned a lovely wedding but then on the day she and her dad were both really ill. You can't tell in the photos she looks fabulous but she had to keep sneaking off to lie down or be sick.

[FollowTheStarship]

It kind of doesn't matter what you spend, if you can afford it – that's a subjective issue. What matters is that you spend what you think it's worth to you, on what you want. It sounds as if the whole wedding needs a rethink to be what you really want, for what you are happy to pay.

I've only ever been to one wedding where accommodation was paid for, and that was a very rich friend. I don't think there's any need. I can understand the NYE argument, but then you could just change the date and take a lot of stress and cost out of the equation. (Also I'd be wary of NYE for other reasons - drunk drivers around, possible bad weather complications, etc.)

I do have a friend who had a very specific plan for her wedding but just realised it wasn't working out and was getting too complex, and changed it all. She was very happy with it in the end. It's fine to do that.

[YvesJutteau]

Don't do NYE you're automatically paying twice as much for almost everything if you do that (we got married in early January largely based on cost we'd been looking at December but the prices for everything plummeted once you got past New Year, so January it was). Go for the following weekend and it will all make a lot more sense financially.

[NeedABumChangeNotANameChange]

If its the wedding you want and it won't bankrupt you then do it. When are you ever doing to get the chance again?
Besides if you do it on the cheap and hate it then you'll have to spend twice as much again to renew it all in 10 years time.

[AnyFucker]

You might feel deflated but I am glad this thread has stopped you in your tracks from getting too carried away. You would have regretted it. You should do what you can afford...and you could not afford what you were planning

A smaller financial contribution from your dp and using unearned money to finance something that lasts for one day is just crazy.

Any wedding you have should be equally finaced by both of you, or else it;s simply a "wedding day" and not a "marriage"

[Bettercallsaul1]

Kab13 - You will not be getting yourself into debt if you spend this money, so normally I would say to go for it. If it is your dream day and includes three days spent with all your loved ones, then it might give you wonderful, irreplaceable memories which you will never forget. The fact that it doesn't make sense to other people isn't at all important - it is your day and your (and your fiance's) decision.

However, I get the impression that you are not really at peace with this decision for reasons only incidentally connected with the expense. The most contentious expense is the £6000 for guest accommodation, which you've already said is important to you in order to have all your family together for three days. It also saves the travel problems for guests at a peak time of year. However, I think part of you resents taking all the financial reponsibility for this three day party and making life so easy, at considerable expense, for all your guests. This is hardly surprising as usually guests pay their own way for the privilege of attending a wedding. I am not sure what is causing you to feel obliged to take on this responsibility - do you feel that people won't make the effort themselves and this is a good means to avoid "rejection"? I am concerned at your statement that you "have issues with pleasing people".

I think you and your fiancé should perhaps rethink the meaning and scale of your wedding and make it about fewer people who are really committed to come - quality, not quantity in a way. Some of the loveliest weddings are the smaller ones where everyone really wants to be there and there is a real emotional connection within the group. Bigger "show" weddings are often more style than substance. I think your reluctance to commit to spending the large amount on accommodation - when you can clearly afford it if you want to - is a sign to think again.

[AnyFucker]

I had a cheap wedding 20+ years ago, have never regretted it and have never felt the need to do it again with meaningless renewals. It's crazy to go all out "in case you have to do it all again" with the same person.

We took our marriage vows and meant them for the life of the marriage. Now that part of it cost about £11 at the registry office and was the best money we could have ever spent. The rest is just frippery and means fuck all.

[TheChandler]

I agree with the suggestion above - invest it or buy something that will last with it, and spend less and focus on enjoying your wedding, not spending vast amounts of money.

Remember its your day (and your DP's), you should be at the centre of it, and spending vast amounts on other people - well, personally I wouldn't like that feeling.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

kab is your DP indulging you on what you want or is he pushing for this? How would you both feel if you had had to work for this money and not have inherited it?

I am really sorry your Dad died so young, my Aunty died young of the same thing. She was a party animal and masses of fun, but she'd be turning in her grave if her kids were spending their inheritance in this way. She'd want security for her children and grand children, not an overpriced wedding.

That's, of course, not to say your dad would feel the same, but the harsh reality is that no matter how big or expensive the day, you can't have your dad there :(. So just be careful what you are doing 'in his name' because I'd hate you to feel disappointed afterwards.

NYE weddings always seem a bit odd to me. I feel it should be your special day, not one that is already 'special'. But each to their own. However, why not get married at a venue that's hosting a NYE party already, problem solved

Oh and don't be too quick to fund your DD through UNI, get some advice when the time comes, because currently it's not the best financial route to take.

[roofio87]

Having all of our friends and family there for our while wedding was our no 1 priority. That said we did the whole things all in, with 130 guests, for £5800. and I thought that was a lot of money!!!

[LineRunner]

Please follow your instincts on this one and go for a less expensive wedding and ensure your DP pays half.

I personally think NYE is a drunken brawl waiting to happen, btw. But that's my large extended family....

[Bettercallsaul1]

I hope you are not feeling overwhelmed by all these opinions, Kab13. Do not feel you have to make instant responses! This is definitely a situation where you should listen to other views but then take the time to allow your own true feelings to emerge.

[DreamingofSummer]

Afterwards will you be known as Mr & Mrs F N Bonkers?

[mummymeister]

Don't feel deflated Kab13. be excited. its your wedding you are planning and if it isn't fun then its not worth it. Anyfucker - on the nose as usual. no idea what my wedding cost but we paid for it, we all had a good time and we got everyone to contribute - auntie made the cake, uncle did the cars, mil the flowers, sister the venue, friends made the bridesmaids dresses. fabulous day but its the 22 years afterwards that made it so.

[mummytime]

I had an American friend whose parents had got married on Halloween, as it was fun and different. A few years later they realised that living in the US they could never go out for their anniversary - because of trick and treating.

What kind of a wedding have you dreamed of? What would be the best party you can think of? What do you like most about parties? Rethink about all the things you want and enjoy most.

Then have a fabulous day!

[xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv]

Madness when it could go on your mortgage.

[nobutreally]

Kab - you sound lovely, and generous, and like the whole thing has just spiralled in a way you didn't plan. It's easy for that to happen when you're planning a wedding, IMO. Really daft things assume a silly importance.

I would sit down with your Dh and have a back to basics chat. What is really, really important for both of you about the wedding - what are the large or small things that are totally non-negotiable. That might be location, date, number of attendees, or particular things you really want to feel on the day. What stuff do you want to avoid/I'd not important to you?

Then talk about budget. What do the two of you feel is a reasonable amount - what are your priorities there? Bear in mind everything else you want to do with the money.

Then Start again, with those two sets of priorities in mind.

I wish you all the best for your wedding, and more importantly the marriage ahead.

[Madamecastafiore]

You must really like these people to chuck a party costing that much for them.

Marriage is between you and your partner and God or whoever you think it is you are making your vows to.

[MakeMeWarmThisWinter]

We hired a castle for the weekend (2 nights) and it included 30+ bedrooms, use of kitchen and enough formal rooms for the ceremony, the meal, the dancing and the photos all to be absolutely amazing.

It cost us under £6k.

We paid for caterers on top, and a band to come and play, and then the other meals were bacon sarnies etc, takeaways and the like - everyone chipped in helping and the whole thing was amazing. We got there on the Friday afternoon and decorated cheaply, made it all lovely and welcoming and everyone arrived Friday night and got to know each other over chips and wine

We did spend nearly £20k but that includes a fortnight in the Seychelles too which came in at about £5k iirc.

I don't think spending more than £20k is necessary for even the most extravagant wedding tbh, if you choose venue etc carefully. Look at castles and stately homes where you can have the entire celebration and put people up too. It was so so special having everyone staying the whole weekend.

[Madamecastafiore]

Get married in front of your closest and then throw a huge party. Invite kids etc with childcare and pay for all the transport home.

I guarantee people will appreciate no babysitting issues and being able to wake up in their own bed the next day.

You're not selfish, just a bit deluded about what you think is important.