Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

310 replies

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 13:42

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

OP posts:
babyboomersrock · 27/11/2014 18:40

Thankfully my daughter and daughter in law know I would lay down my life for my grandchildren and I am encouraged to see them whenever it is convenient for all of us!

Well, that's wonderful - my family operates on a similar basis. But note the crucial words convenient for all of us. If it isn't convenient for the OP, she is not obliged to go along with the mil's wishes.

Posters also seem to confuse frequency of visits with closeness of relationships - that's nonsense. I became very close to my mil over the years but I still had to set boundaries at the beginning. I wish I hadn't had to do that, and that she'd just been a bit more sensitive to a new mother's needs in the first place.

Surely if you've been a mother yourself, you should have enough understanding to hold back and just let the new parents have time with their baby? You've had your turn - this is theirs.

drudgetrudy · 27/11/2014 18:40

OP-I think YABU but I would not want anyone (DM, MIL, anyone) "popping in". I would want them to text and check it was convenient. I think I would take control and invite her eg "fancy popping over on Wednesday afternoon" and not be afraid to say it isn't convenient sometimes,
I don't see the problem with her taking the baby for a walk unless she is very elderly and incapable.
I find some of the comments about grandparents not being immediate family frankly odd-unless they have been really terrible abusive people
One hour once a week is very unfriendly-you may not know her well but if she is usually nice make a bit of an effort.

merrymouse · 27/11/2014 18:49

I'm not getting the impression that the boyfriend is putting much effort into facilitating more baby snuggling for his mum.

PrimroseEverdeen · 27/11/2014 18:56

This thread has made me sad. I've been really ill this week with a vomiting bug and having to look after my baby at the same time. I have no one to come round and help/ take the baby out in the pram. I would give anything to have a lovely MIL 5 minutes away. Be kind to her. Some day you will be grateful for her help.

atotalshambles · 27/11/2014 18:57

Hello.
YADNBU!!! I think this is a situation you need to live through to understand. I think I would think you were being unreasonable if your MIL was being reasonable and emotionally stable but in this situation I think you need to set boundaries. She wants another chance to be 'mummy' and I think if you don't set boundaries now it will get worse. If she starts behaving more like a normal granny then it would be no problem to see her more. I am really confused why most of the comments are YABU as it seems she is being unreasonable and you are expected to suck it up? If you had a toxic friend in your life, would you continue to see them?? A grandparent/child relationship can be incredibly beneficial but not with this dynamic.

chocolatescones · 27/11/2014 18:59

YANBU for not wanting your MIL to be popping in all the time without planning it and when it isn't always a good time but YABU for thinking an hour a week is enough I think. Just think if you and your boyfriend's roles were reversed wouldn't you want your Mum to be able to see your little one more than that? Why don't just suggest some times to her or as pp said you pop in more often? And you could combine seeing her yourself with your LO with your MIL having him/ her whilst you have some you time as well which would be nice for all of you.

Beautifulbabyboy · 27/11/2014 19:01

A totalshambles - nothing the OP has said has implied the MIL is trying to play mummy and takeover...

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 19:04

I don't see how visiting once a week is being pushed out either! If I didn't live so close it wouldn't seem so unreasonable I guess. I didn't move into the house until 6 months pregnant and hadn't really thought about the impact living so close would have on grandmothers need to be involved so much. My boyfriend didn't have her popping in or insisting on seeing us so much before the baby came. The joys of parenthood lol! I guess I could try taking the little one to hers during the week more often if I must

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 27/11/2014 19:04

That's a bit strong total Where did OP say her MIL was behaving in an unstable or toxic manner?
I agree with putting boundaries around "popping in" uninvited but I don't see where you're coming from.
I agree visits would be better if they were planned although I see no evidence that MIL is attempting to take over the parental role.

Beautifulbabyboy · 27/11/2014 19:05

I would just like to add - the wonderful benefits of a fab grandma. My husband's mother is on her way over right now so my and Dh can grab a quick bite to eat and a glass of wine. She will also tidy the play room and put away a few dishes..... Happy families! She is a central part of our family, along with my mother, and I love it. :-)

LittleBearPad · 27/11/2014 19:06

In what way Totalshambles is the GM not being emotionally stable Confused.

Unclench a little OP and stop picking on Falling

Beautifulbabyboy · 27/11/2014 19:06

Also she has her faults, and so do I! But being mature I recognise this....

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 19:11

Everyone is different though. Having someone, his mother, or my mother or anyone, coming over to clean etc is not my idea of fun and I'd rather not. However, a visit at the weekend and the ad hoc family meal is. I don't think that makes me controlling, cold, spiteful or weird ad I've been called. Once a month or year would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 19:13

Falling is aggressive. This is like high school. Ganging up etc laughable

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 27/11/2014 19:13

I don't see how visiting once a week is being pushed out either!

Oh for heaven's sake. As I'm sure all of you are capable of understanding, it doesn't matter whether the baby cannot bond at this stage. The grandmother can. If you choose to exclude the grandmother until the baby can bond, she may not wait around for that time. I think one hour is miserly but I'm not saying that it's pushing her out as such. But relying in the capacity of an infant to make relationships as the only way to decide the level of contact could easily backfire.

nancy75 · 27/11/2014 19:14

Threads like this make me so sad, I just don't recognise some of the family set ups I see on here. If i suggested to either set of GPs that they could only see DD for an hour a week they would think I had gone mad. Grandparents are part of the family not random strangers knocking on the door.
My in laws live on the other side of the world but the relationship that dd has with both sets of gps is so important to both her and them, I can't imagine restricting it to an hour a week

nancy75 · 27/11/2014 19:15

OP when you go back to work who is going to look after the baby?

Beautifulbabyboy · 27/11/2014 19:17

I give in. OP when posting on a forum, all that have people have to go is what you actually say, and the style in which you say it, which will portray either s happy tone, angry tone etc. you are coming across as petulant, and angry that you are not being agreed with. This is AIBU.... You are. You still are.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 19:24

I'm not angry at all! This is a website for goodness sake,! obviously it's not for me. I'm annoyed at the reactions of some people though. But thanks to all the private messages telling me not to worry about the drama queens who love to be aggressive to newbies! I've had a lot of nice suggestions that I'm going to try so hopefully things will improve

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 27/11/2014 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunastarfish · 27/11/2014 19:32

whyYouGottaBeSoRude I am not 'advising' OP to pop by. I said I agree with other commenters that she could pop into her MIL and that is something I am intending to do with my in laws. If her MIL has expectations that she can just pop by OP's, then it is unlikely, in my opinion, that her MIL will be aggrieved by OP doing that, if she fancies it.

I don't understand why this thread has turned so evil. Some people think OP is unreasonable, some don't. I personally don't think all the vitriol was necessary, and with my situation, I am in agreement with OP's position.

merrymouse · 27/11/2014 19:35

I thought the grandmother was popping in for an occasional coffee…

Again, if they live so close there is nothing to stop the OP's boyfriend from popping round to his mum more at the weekend with the baby, except he seems happy with the status quo.

maddening · 27/11/2014 19:40

If it is only one afternoon a week it seems a bit mean. - but your boundaries and freedom to enjoy your time as you want is important too - however family is good to have and people who love your dc are important. Possibly make more of her visit, possibly find mutually convenient things - ask if she fancies coming shopping - easier with 2 of you and you can stop for a coffee. Or if you've been out call her on the way back and see if she is free for you and dd to pop in for a coffee- she might even become a friend. Invite her to the odd baby group or to the zoo.

The thing is you haven't had time to get to know each other properly so it is natural that you feel protective, but if you give this friendship a chance you might feel more confident of her with dd and eventually when you do want a night away you can do so without worry as you know and trust her and so does your dd.

Of course she could prove to be one of the toxic variety but you don't know till you get to know her so either way you win.

Original poster
allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 19:40

Boyfriend is very happy and anytime I encourage him to take my daughter to see his mum for an hour here or there he doesn't! It's not my role to make up for this neither is it my responsibility!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/11/2014 19:40

Hi allGrace143 Don't give up on mumsnet it is great for good advice on specific things. AIBU seems to be an area where it's quite a few rows. Try not to let it put you off mumsnet.

I've read most of this thread and am so shocked that some people have been very rude in their replies, IMHO.

Of course you can do whatever you want to do.

Babies do not 'belong' to parents but you are the primary care giver and can decide what is best for her and you at this time. You are very new to parenting and need some space and that seems clear to me.

Of course you asked because you wanted opinions and you have had much more than that in terms of people making comments which I would find very offensive if they were about me.

Just because people live close by it is not a reason for them to visit often. To me grandparents are wonderful and valued but they are extend family, not immediate family, IMHO.

For what it is worth YANNNNNNNNBU. You are a new mum and your time with your new baby is special and precious and you can decide who sees you and her in these early days. Of course your partner can choose to take dd to see relatives when he is around if he wants to. But I do not feel you need to feel obligated to do it. Of course it is nice to have a close relationship with relatives but:

IMHO once a week is often enough - where ever you and they live, unless you want to see them more often.

You've said it's not a set hour, just a period of time for a visit

No one looked after my baby when they were very little, they did not need to and I was happy with that

No one took my baby out in the pram and I was happy with that

I love in laws a lot and they see my kids and have a good relationship with them, it was on our (DH and I) terms and they were always happy, in fact I would say I am very close to my MIL but she has her own life and interests and so does FIL.

My in laws look after kids now and are great but when first dd was tiny they did not

I personally think if you feel you want to let MIL have a bit more time with dd now or in the future when she is older I would go to her house, if you are happy to or maybe meet her in a cafe for coffee etc.

Whatever people on here are saying I would be surprised if they would all see their parents and in laws very often if they lived closer. For one thing not all inlaws want to be seen all the time, some are very busy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread