AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

Ps don't get dragged in to the arguments op :)

allGrace143 In the interests of the future if it were me I would try and find some common ground and friendship with MIL, she is a significant person to your dp and she may well grow on you in time but anyone trying to push you together or split you up from your baby for any periods of time at this crucial time may find that this only hinders a good relationship developing between you.

A good relationship between your dd and her grandmother will probably depend on a good relationship between you and MIL. If you want this now or in the future I would meet at her house, so you can go when you like, by arrangement only (no popping in, as that may encourage it in her) and I would also ask her about your dp as a baby etc, and get her looking at family photos and chatting about things.

My dear mum has dementia and my father is dead, there is no link to my dad's side of the family apary from my auntie (my late father's late brothers widow). So now memories and stories and photos are precious and I have a great friendship with my dear auntie (who I rarely saw as a child). It may not seem significant now but when your cild is older she may ask about her dad as a child etc and your MIL will be a source of stories and memories, I am not trying to push you together, I am saying in time you may value her more but you are, IMHO, totally right to chose how to conduct your relationship with her at this time.

Thanks. I didn't say anything derogatory about grandmother, I was just honest. I was hoping for some balanced advice but a lot of people are judging me on their own family roles/expectations. I think that's what I'm struggling with most at the moment. I still want my independence as a mother and certainty don't want to spend my maternity leAve miserable

Don't stress about it OP.
MIL threads are the MN equivalent of calling a teddy bear Mohammed.

Seriously- I've never met anyone in life who thinks a weekly visit to the GPs is pushing them out.

I haven't seen mine for three weeks and nor do I care

I get that you have your issues OP, bit Fall was nothing but nice in the same vein as everyone else. You are being ridiculous.

Have you history with Fall, are you a name changer? Only thing that could explain your rudeness.

I'm going to say YANBU.

As you say, lots of people have close relationships with their ILs but...
If you wanted the same amount of contact as MIL you wouldn't have posted.

If she'd never made you feel uncomfortable by calling in unannounced you wouldn't have posted.

If you were used to that level of contact from MIL from before the baby was born you wouldn't have posted.

It's not that your BF has a close bond with his DM. It's not like he's rushing over there with the baby at every opportunity.

I get the feeling you're already at the maximum of your comfort level with the once a week regular visits. If an hour is (mutually) about the right length of time for you to spend in each other's company then your relationship with her isn't that well developed - and because your daughter is so young it is basically you and your MIL meeting up. I think it would be very different if your DD were 2 or 3 years old.

Your MIL risks alienating her GC by pushing your boundaries. If you were to keep going as you are then gradually you might all get to know each other better and you'd be more comfortable letting her have time with your DD. I never wanted a "break" from my DC and I would have been horrified if someone - anyone - had said they had a "right" to take them off me, even if it was supposedly for my benefit.

For those who say they would be upset if they were restricted to short, pre-arranged visits with their GCs, how much time did you spend getting to know your DIL before the GCs were born and how far would you be prepared to push them and your DS to get the amount of time you thought you were entitled to with your GC?

CokeFan - perfectly said

Why, thank you MrsRumbles

I also think that a once a week is unreasonable. I am lucky enough to see my own grandchild 4 or 5 times a week, and his other grandparents see him a little less often (they are further away) but probably for a longer time. Everyone is happy with this, especially the little one himself who is loved so much by us all.

Having only been a grandparent for a short while I would like to tell the OP something which I had no idea of before. The love you feel for a grandchild is just, if not more, than you feel for your own child. The need to see them for a cuddle and be a part of their lives can be overwhelming in it's intensity. I feel a little sad for your MIL. Obviously you make the rules, but it does not appear that your MIL is doing anything wrong, just wants to spend a little more time with her grandchild....maybe you could use the opportunity for a little me-time, or even catching up on the endless chores you never have a chance to do when looking after a new baby.

I hope it all works out well for you all.

It is very very early days. The baby is barely 3 months old!

It sounds as if everything got off on the wrong foot with MIL coming round in the very first few days, after the baby was born, when the op AND HER PARTNER had asked for space.

All those saying 'i worry about being a MIL when my kids grow up' - you surely must agree that the above is hardly the best way to go about things? Would you really all invite yourselves over regardless of what the new parents wanted? If so then you are right to worry about what they think of you when they grown up!

Softly does it. If MIL had given her son and his girlfriend a bit of space those few weeks ago, and had not gone on a strop when her son bought it up, then things may have gone differently thereafter. Incidentally how many new fathers are asked to accept one to one time with their wives mother every week?

And as for ''going to bed ill if [her son] didn't call her''

I recon once a week as a couple is fine. Let her come to you some weekends and both of you round to hers with baby on a Saturday morning every other week? Means a bit longer, but it's on your terms (lots to do later in the day).

OP YANBU.

We have a similar situation here, on maternity leave we saw the ILs every couple of weeks for an afternoon. It's the same now I'm back at work. MIL would like more time but we don't have it, we both work FT, have lots of commitments and weekends are now ours. I'm glad on mat leave we didn't set a precedent otherwise, if that makes me a cold / unfeeling cow I couldn't give a flying fuck. I did what was right for me and baby DD at the time. DH took the lead, and he had a similar set up when he was younger with his grandparents - instigated by his mum. What goes around comes around I suppose.

My parents live the other side of the country and see DD every couple of months and I'm not particularly close so had no idea about these rude popper-inner types.

I don't think this is unreasonable at all. My son is abit older but he sees both sets of grandparents once a week each, for around an hour, as you have said this isn't us sat there with a timer on, it is just usually an hour.

Me and DH are both at work during the week, so weekends are the only time to visit.

Sometimes it's longer and they may babysit, but generally speaking it's once a week.

OP - don't worry about the YABUs. We all have different views of family - do what you feel is right and also what is best for you as a family. For me seeing grandparents every couple of months works for us. Always trust your instincts and do what you feel you want to do rather than what other people (whether Mnet) or in rl feel you 'should '
do. Enjoy your new arrival .x

It seems to me there are several issues here:

1. just popping in without notice, which I too hate. So suggest maybe a set time(s) once or twice a week. Personally I do think one hour a week is a bit stingy.

2. your relationship with your own parents/grandparents. It sounds as though you are not close at all and maybe don't understand grandma's excitement at the new baby. To most of us it sounds normal.

3)Your relationship with MIL - just how well did you know her before baby arrived? It sounds as though everything as happened very quickly. This is a good opportunity to take time to get to know her.

Grandparents in my family have always been as hands on as possible so i see nothing weird at all about Granny taking baby out for a walk but that is my personal opinion of course.

You haven't mentioned FIL yet you said "parents" not parent. Could you or BF perhaps suggest to FIL that you need a bit more time on your own before MIL gets more involved?

Op another thing that's actually really hurt me since having children is how I feel like none of the grandparents really give two hoots about me. The "offers of help" all seem to be convenient or beneficial to them only.

And I find the suggestions of you thinking of something to busy yourself with (a little jog, or housework) whilst granny visits totally patronizing. Why the hell should you have to?

The GP role is a support role as calloh very rightly said. Which in it's very nature means it's not totally a two-way street. The parent-child (DIL-MIL/whatever) relationship isn't on an even keel and nor should it be. My DDs are v young but even when they are adults I know my role will be to wait in the sidelines for when they need me or want me around. Not to put my own need for gratification first, no matter how hard that gets. My job as their mother is to instill a sense of independence not to instill a sense of obligation that they owe me anything ever.

Things need to be at a level the mother/father/baby as a unit are comfortable with. End of.

I moved back from the other side of the world when I was pregnant "to be with friends and family". I massively overestimated how much I'd actually want anyone other than DH around after DD1 was born. I wanted privacy and space, still do 3 years on. That's just me. The fact that my children are biologically linked to PIL or my parents ain't gonna change that.

Going a bit off topic but "old dears with nothing better to do" -- here we go again with the ageism.

People of all ages seem to be finding time to post on here!

I'm one of the people that thinks visits shoud be arranged and just popping in is not on, by the way.

Just addressing the "old dears with nothing better to do" comment
I am mid forties with a large family including a toddler of my own, I have a challenging job, a good marriage and a happy life with plenty to do.
I have two grandchildren one 5 and one born last week, both from my boys.
Having experienced pushy overbearing pil myself I am extremely careful to give my dils space and never just drop in unannounced.
We communicate daily by text (often initiated by them) we are pretty much friends and do stuff together with the children.
What I wanted to say is despite having a young family of my own and a fulfilling busy life, I love my gc so much, as much as my own children. I'd be broken hearted not to see them often and my dgs would hate it as he asks for me often.
I've been round twice this week at dils request, to look after the new baby while she bathes or naps and do some jobs.
I will be picking dgs up from school tmw too.
My own pil are watching my children over the weekend while dh and I go out with friends.
It doesn't have to be such hard work if you communicate and compromise.

I do wonder what gp expect when their dgc go to school. Would they still expect to visit 3/4/5 times a week? Or to take a weekend day when that weekend might be the only time the nuclear family spend together?

It's weird, I almost find it hurtful the idea that gp might love their dgc more than their dc. I want my kids to be loved by their big family circle, which they are. But I still want to be loved as my parents dd - and I think I am.

Fwiw, im not worried about being a mil as I understand boundaries, and I would hope id develop a friendship with children in law well before babies start appearing.

My mil and I have known each other 8 years and been friendly. Since I've had kids our relationship has moved up to a different level, and now she and her sil visit me and the kids while DH is working (they live 3 hours away). I'm really glad I can facilitate this but it would not have been possible without all the groundwork.

Falling is aggressive. This is like high school. Ganging up etc laughable

This is beyond ridiculous.

And I have plenty to do that keeps me very busy, so I don't only see my DGC when I have 'nothing better to do'. I usually see them when I'm asked. Which is frequent.

And I look forward to the day when some of you are GPs. See how you feel then.

YABU - I don't blame you for not wanting her to turn up unannounced/come and go as she pleases, but at least she wants to come round. My MIL is regularly told that she is welcome at our house any time but always expects us to go to her and I won't even start talking about the SIL. Long story short it would be nice if either of them could be bothered coming to visit and it annoys me a lot that they don't.

op

Name change and repost this in a few weeks but change the MIL to your own mum.

It will go much easier for you and you won't get called any names.

Its quite imusing that your a spiteful and heartless nasty overbearing mother whose pushing the dear paternal grandmother away by seeing her once a week every week. But nobody has made the same comments about you seeing your own mother just as frequently.

Fwiw YANBU.

You are not seeing the other grandparents more often, your partner is in agreement with you.

Once a week is quite a lot for some families.

Different families do things differently some see GP's daily some only once or twice a year and loads will be in between. Its all normal and its all ok.

I don't think it is true to say that everyone on here was nothing but nice, because there have been a lot of very un-nice things directed at the OP.

Anyone who thinks not may well not have read those earlier comments.

Maybe because it is an anonymous thread people feel it is not rude to make unpleasant comments to people! Unpleasant words were used and comparisons to a selfish mother, lots of disbelief about a situation which is very normal to some of us.

It is not wrong for a person to assume because they want to see their mother in law a lot or want their kids to see their grandparents a lot that this is normal for them - but the reality is that it just isn't true for everyone. The OP wanted some perspective not to be made to feel cold or weird or unfeeling. If she really did not care why would she come on here for some perspective and some advice.

And just because people ask for advice and others give advice, doesn't mean that advice needs to be taken! But some people seem offended when the OP didn't suddenly jump to it and agree with them!

This does come across as aggressive (to me) and I am shocked that this should be directed at someone who had a baby three months ago, is n limited maternity leave and does not really know her mother in law very well!

When you start a thread you want to keep coming back onto it to see what people have said. If posters make comments that the OP finds offensive or upsetting it would be polite to tone down those comments rather than keep asserting the right to say them.

Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion and mine is that most certainly it is not true to say everyone on here was nothing but nice!

NeedsAsockamnesty excellent point, But nobody has made the same comments about you seeing your own mother just as frequently.

I guess because her own mum is happy with once a week and MIL is not people are thinking MIL should have her way! We don't normally conduct family relationships just for the benefit of the other person! We think about everyone's needs, which OP is clearly doing in making time for MIL and thinking about this issue.

I also find it strange the idea that because the family want some privacy early on when baby is so very little that if OP and her partner are happy for MIL to have more time later or even would like some help that MIL might not be there for her or want to give that time or help. If MIL wants to build relationships with her DIL and GD it should be for the long haul, not for the first few months. Hopefully, she will be there for her when she is needed, if she can fit it into her life and she will want to be wanted in a positive way (I would hope). My inlaws live an our away. We developed networks of friends and support and we joined a babysitting circle. Whenever I ask inlaws for any help I do so understanding they may not be free and I am always delighted to see them and happy for help when it is offered. But I knew them for 6 years before dd was born so we had already built a relationship separate from the grand kids.

My in-laws gave us lots of space when dd was little but they did see her regularly (not nearly as often as once a week!) and now kids are older they see them and look after them and have a fabulous relationship but again not all the time. I know I can ask for help but I also know I am not entitled to expect it as my inlaws have their own busy lives, despite being in their 70s! I am just saying this to show there are a lot of different ways for the inlaw/grand parent relationship to work out. Being in 'each other's pockets' sounds fine to me as I am that type of person but my DH and his parents are not. So they are all valid ways of enjoying that family relationship.