AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

[allGrace143]

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

What a weird thread.

OP YANBU. Once a week is more than enough and you are wise to set boundaries. Anyone walking into my house without knocking would not be welcome. It is beyond rude and sulking at parents of a 12 week old baby? Ridiculous and manipulative.

an hour away!

I'm going to agree with TinyTear here, it sounds like OP might have a genuine reason not to trust her MIL to take her DD out of her sight too much. There's obviously more to the story. Also 12 weeks is extremely young, it's still parent-baby bonding time.

I agree there's more to the story and to be honest I would very much like to hear both the MIL and DPs sides.

OP I have not been aggressive. I have simply disagreed with you on the way you're approaching this issue. You asked in your first post if you were being unreasonable and the majority of posters on here have said that you are - and have explained why. That is not 'ganging up', it is simply a majority view. If you don't want to accept that view, that's fair enough. But being rude and hostile and making unfounded accusations is not.

I think what is going on here is that the OP has had to adjust to a surprise pregnancy, moving in with her boyfriend, a new baby and a whole new family with different ways of doing things and different expectations, all in less than a year.

It takes time for people to adjust to each other. Agree with Italian greyhound - there are many different ways for people to have a relationship and there is more to the grandparent/grandchild relationship than the first few months.

Perhaps the mistake the OP made was to post in AIBU which makes the thread confrontational, and also is likely to attract confrontational replies. OP, if you are looking for help, 'relationships' is well frequented.

Boyfriend is very happy and anytime I encourage him to take my daughter to see his mum for an hour here or there he doesn't! It's not my role to make up for this neither is it my responsibility!

I agree.

To be honest merrymouse it was the OP who became confrontational. I agree AIBU tends to deliver blunt and robust responses, but that is very different from the manner in which the OP has behaved, basically hitting out when people disagreed with her and becoming quite unpleasant about it.

No instead of re-posting this in a month's time but about your own mum OP, you should post a gender-reverse on Dadsnet about a FIL who wants to spend more time with his GC.

There would be roughly five replies- all of which would say "Just leave it to your wife to sort out".

I do think it's your boyfriend's responsibility to make sure his mum sees the baby. Perhaps first thing on a Saturday while you have a bubble bath? Only reason you might want to get it done yourself is to have uninterrupted family time when he isn't at work. I can't stand being popped in on either. Could you meet her for a coffee sometimes? Neutral territory. She'll probably accept boundaries better if she feels you are genuinely interested in being friendly. I agree you need the boundaries. One hour did feel like the least you could get away with and I think it was felt too little because of how vulnerable grandparents are. It's like they are kids in a sweetie shop. Your kids will probably adore this woman so you might as well get her on side if that's possible. It may not be. But I do think your boyfriend is responsible for bringing the baby round. Make sure she knows that you suggested it though! But at the end of the day only you know how much this is stressing you out and you, and by extension your baby, come first. From the baby's point of view, having a calm mummy is far more important than seeing a grandparent.

Jeeez! No wonder the op became confrontational!

op YANBU

I live a few streets from my pils. When I moved in to dp house from my house I couldn't cope with the constant dropping in. When dd was born it was worse. I took to locking the door and pretending I wasn't in. It worked a treat. after mil nearly braking the door handle trying to get in

Agree with saturnvista. I actually do this. I visit mil then the random drop ins slow down.

Yanbu at all. I'd be setting boundaries in your position too. I could not be doing with the whole mil round the corner popping in for cup of tea regularly thing. This is a major downside of not moving away from where you grew up!

YANBU to want to spend time one on one with baby.
YANBU to want your bf mum to ask before 'popping in' unexpectedly
YANBU to want boundaries respected

YABU to limit your DD's grandmother to just one weekly visit of 3/4 hours...if shes only 5 minutes away, loves your DD and wants to build a bond with her, and is in good health/able to care for her, why not let her spend more time???

My own mum has my DS for one full day a week when she is not working, out of her own choice. She has him to herself. Plus we visit at weekends etc as a family 2-3 times a month. She still says she doesn't get to see him as much as she wants but I don't stand in the way of her having a good relationship with her DGS.
My PIL are both quite frail, live a long way away, and can't have DS on their own because they are not in a fit state physically to care for him, and it really saddens me sometimes...they love him so much and, despite me not always getting on well with them, I'd want my DS to develop a healthy relationship with my PILs separate to the one I have with them...but until he's able to be a bit more independent that can't really happen :/ I'd love to let them have him one evening or something so me and DH could go out!!!

Ask your mil to have baby one evening to herself and go enjoy yourself with your BF at the cinema or go for a meal. It's one evening and will pacify your bf's mum.x

Wow, what a strange thread.

OP - You are not in the least bit unreasonable to want your own space, especially now you have a young baby to care for.

I'm a fairly introverted person and relish having my own time and space. Having someone turning up unannounced as and when they wanted would be a complete nightmare for me.

Definitely the best solution would be to put a stop to the turning up uninvited, and maybe tell the grandmother that you're happy for your boyfriend to take your daughter round for a short while now and then - this might turn the grandmother's attentions onto persuading her son to step up.

YABU to limit your DD's grandmother to just one weekly visit of 3/4 hours...if shes only 5 minutes away, loves your DD and wants to build a bond with her, and is in good health/able to care for her, why not let her spend more time???

Because the OP is not comfortable with it? Because the OP doesn't want to? Because the grandmother should be respecting the OP's wishes on this matter?

When your daughter grows up and has children would you be happy to be limited to an hour a week?

It sounds like you're happy for her to look after your daughter when it's convenient for you e.g. a wedding. But you don't want to bother with her the rest of the time.

Sorry not read all 11 pages, but I do wonder if fostering a lovely relationship with DPs mum might well help loads when you go back to work. PIL have stepped in (40mins drive from us) when DD had hand, foot & mouth and then chicken pox so DH and I could go to work. DD was fine to be with them because they saw her regularly and therefore was really comfortable to be with them when ill. It's been a God-send. They've subsequently had her for weekends and the odd holiday too, so DH and I can work.

I don't think I'd want PIL popping in unannounced when DD was that little, but I was struggling with BFing and didn't need an audience. However I would suggest you pop in on MIL during the week when it better suits you. Due to the distance, we went to see PIL a couple of Sundays a month, from lunch until early evening. PIL walked around the block with DD, changed her nappy etc, all I did was BF her (plus eat cake and put my feet up ).

Whatever you child care solution is when you return to work, it's not foolproof and having a nearby relative on standby will be invaluable. Either if you're ill, DD is ill/contagious or your provider is shut, having someone to help out, that you trust and knows DD well, will be great.

When your daughter grows up and has children would you be happy to be limited to an hour a week?

YES! Because I will be living my own life. I wouldn't want to emotionally force anyone to spend time with me.

Plus there is text, phone calls Skype ....

But surely grandchildren and family in general are a part of your life?

I haven't read all 11 pages of this thread but just wanted to say that I think YANBU with regards to asking for a heads up/text/call ahead of any visits. I would want to get out of my pjs and make sure there was somewhere to sit for example.

But as a first time mum myself with both sets of GPs living 2-3hrs away I think you are so lucky to have relatives so close and I would love to have a GP living 5 minutes away. Tread carefully, don't spoil what could be a very special bond. Therefore I think YABU with regards to limiting her visiting times.

" It's not my role to make up for this neither is it my responsibility!"

i don't entirely agree with that.

I mean if you thought that more time with GM would be nice, then there's no reason that you couldn't do it. Especially if that meant not cutting into limited family time.

I think that there a few factors.

MIL has done things in the past when asked not to.
Perhaps if she's given an inch she'll take a mile.

You are on ML, so all time is precious.

On the flip side you say that she is nice & obviously you trust her enough to have let her look after your baby.

So don't lose sight of those things.

Perhaps in the future she could collect from childcare once a week & have her for an hour or something?

i think a lot of the times MILs can't win.

Not asking to see & they are interested, asking & they are pushy/no boundaries.

Of course it's possible to just say "I'd love to see more of them" just the once & hope!

I fear that if ever I'm a GM I'll do everything that I shouldn't!

this is a bit depressing TBH

so very English- she is family too- some compromise no?

one of the main reasons for the rise in depressing in fractured families. ie people live far from families and dont see them enough- or get enough "help"

|I also really cherished the relationships I had with my GM growing up

I think you should be open to this OP. one day you will be a working Mum with 2/3 kids and trust me you will be WEEPING for an afternoon to yourself

dont push her away- compromise

Wait till you're back at work and your DC is ill - it really helps to have family on hand who can help out in these situations (which are a lot more common than you'd probably expect!)

I'm really at all those people who are happy for their family or friends to pop in frequently unannounced. YANBU, maybe try to find some compromise. Like a once a week a visit to yours and the same week you go to hers. Or best your BF goes with his DD there.