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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Grandparents wanting more visits

310 replies

allGrace143 · 27/11/2014 13:42

Just looking for a little help - my boyfriend's parents live a five minute walk from us. Paternal Grandmother constantly hinting to see us more often (currently once a week for around an hour, she has also had my 12 week old daughter alone for an afternoon whilst we attended a wedding). There seems to be an expectation on her part that she can 'pop in' during the week to see me and my daughter whilst boyfriend at work - I'd prefer to keep it to the weekend/visits with my boyfriend as I think a weekly visit is reasonable whilst my baby is young and I am on maternity leave (enjoying one to one time a a new mum, going to baby groups etc before returning to the dreaded career!)

As much as she is a nice, I do feel that my boyfriends mother still sees him as her little boy and perhaps not used to not being at the centre of his life/family unit. There was issues when my daughter was born in terms of boundaries i.e 'popping in' when asked for a few days rest from visitors, going to bed ill if boyfriend didn't call her, demanding to take 5 week old baby out and I'm guessing a lot comes down to our different expectations of the role of the grandparents. Whilst I'm close to my own mother, we don't live in each other's pockets. I see her once a week where she is happy to spend quality time with her granddaughter but it is always planned. My boyfriend's mother expects a closer relationship much Like her own upbringing where she could come and go from my house as she pleases and can't understand why I don't want this for myself. Am I unreasonable to stick to my once a week expectation (obviously more if there is a family occasion). This would be my boyfriends preference too but his mother isn't showing any signs that she understands that we like our privacy as our own little family unit.....

OP posts:
Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 17:48

Sorry if I was 'boring you' OP. Perhaps don't start any more threads if anyone who disagrees with you is 'nasty' 'boring' 'makes you uncomfortable' etc etc etc etc.

WillkommenBienvenue · 27/11/2014 17:52

Family relationships change with time. It is important not to be too controlling about this as it will take its natural course as you both get busier or she might start to get a bit bored. I think you should just bite your lip and be friendly. This is your child's grandmother not a nosy neighbour and even if it is a bit of a pain you should let it be or you could cause a huge rift in the family.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask her to call you before she comes round though but if that's not her style you can't force her to either. Don't forget you don't always need to answer the door either.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 27/11/2014 17:56

Ive come to realise since having children that there is little more important in life than having good relationships and that its actually a pretty good situation to be in to have loving grandparents close by to help for whatever reason. I used to feel my mum was trying to control me and and my ds but now i can see how close my Dcs are with her and my dad and also their paternal grandparents. They get things from those relationships that they dont get from their relationships with me or their dad. Things i never experienced as i didnt know my grandparents. It really is a lovely thing to be able to see those wonderful relationships grow and know that my DCs have all these people, aside from me, who they can depend on, get comfort from, go to in a crisis etc. i think the more people who want to love a child, the better and i wouldnt resist it. Your MIL is probably thinking that she wont get as much opportunity to see her GC once you go back to work and is making the most of it.

Lunastarfish · 27/11/2014 17:59

I'm with you OP, yanbu. I'm pregnant and last week DP and I viewed a beautiful (very beautiful) almost perfect flat. But it's less than a 5 min walk from his parents. His parents are lovely but I know his mum will constantly pop in once baby is born (& question me about breastfeeding, which i intend to do but dont want to be made to feel a git if i have trouble like my sister) and I want a bit of peace and no visitors once I leave hospital for a few days. I would prefer a more formal arrangement rather than her just knocking on my door on the way to the shops.

I agree with others though that being close, if you're at a loose end, popping in to her is unlikely to be a problem. I'll be a short train and 10 minute walk away so I certainly intend on visiting as hoc occasionally

Calloh · 27/11/2014 17:59

YANBU.

I hate the idea of anyone popping in. I'm not a popper-inner. I don't judge those who are so let's make that non-judgement go two ways. I also feel that when my husband and I have children it is about the children and us, not about making everyone else happy.

In-laws are often initially strangers. It takes time to forge a relationship and trust. This is still true, even if there are shiny new babies around.

Everyone says that they worry as they have sons but isn't this just about being considerate. Being a grandparent is exciting but it is a support role and you should support and not push what you want onto others, be aware that they are tired, hormonal, breast-feeding, feeling uncertain.

MommyBird · 27/11/2014 18:01

If she's nice and you get on I don't see the problem. It's company! Popping in for a cuppa tea or leaving your DD with her whilst you do some housework or something like that. Win win.

You're very lucky to have a grandparent who wants to see her DGD.

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2014 18:01

Fall was boring me, continually posting my own sentences

It's called 'quoting' and it's very common on forums so that people can follow what you're talking about.

I know what I wrote.

The rest of us may not.

She was also making me feel uncomfortable.

It's an internet forum...

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 18:03

I'm wondering if the OP feels uncomfortable because she didn't like what she was hearing but suspected there might be some truth in it.

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2014 18:04

Being a grandparent is exciting but it is a support role

Up to a point.

You are also still a parent. You are also still a person in your own right, and not just a nuisance who can be picked up when useful and dropped when not.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 27/11/2014 18:04

I agree with others though that being close, if you're at a loose end, popping in to her is unlikely to be a problem. I'll be a short train and 10 minute walk away so I certainly intend on visiting as hoc occasionally

So you wont be treating your MiL with the same respect you want from her? Why is it ok for you to pop in on her but not vice versa?

tallulah · 27/11/2014 18:06

I don't see the logic that a baby who sees grandma once a week at 3 mo won't bond. When my DD1 was born my DPs lived abroad. We saw them perhaps 4 times a year yet DD had no problem bonding with them.

The ILs OTOH lived 10 mins drive away and were round every 5 minutes. They wouldn't leave us alone. I'd have sooner cut off my arm than voluntarily "pop in" on MIL on my own. She has zero conversation save from cooing at the baby. DH once said DD was asleep with her eyes open and MIL's immediate response was "Liar!" Shock

Beautifulbabyboy · 27/11/2014 18:08

OP you are not being nice. fall I am on your side. Can't see what you have done wrong.

There is nothing more special in the world than your child being wrapped in love, and that has to include grand parents, aunts, uncles etc. There was a woman just like you in my NCT group, and I remember saying to her what would happen if you get sick, and by sick, I mean really ill e.g cancer. Your child will know only you, when they have the chance to be part of a gorgeous big happy family. I was so disappointed by her behaviour I couldn't be friends with her. Then the sad thing was she did get sick....

Finally, fwiw, none of the Christmas adverts portray a nuclear family of just 3 with the grandparents excluded out in the cold...

Fallingovercliffs · 27/11/2014 18:09

Thanks Beautiful. Bit bewildered as to why OP is singling me out, tbh.

Lunastarfish · 27/11/2014 18:15

The difference is that my MIL will want me to pop by whereas I don't want her popping by all the time, which will happen if we live that close. I know her, you don't. If she doesn't want me popping in she won't hesitate to tell me I assure you!!

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 27/11/2014 18:17

I think its different for everyone. If you get on with your in-laws its wonderful. I see my FIL nearly every day and he absolutely loves it when he sees DGD. He rarely sees his other two GC as they live abroad. I would welcome him "popping in" but he never does, he always asks first (or waits for me to ask!)

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but if your family arent a close close family I can see why you find it a bit off that your MIL wants to see baby more.

I personally saw my grandparents all the time and I couldnt imagine not having that for my daughter. To me, grandparents are immediate family. Repays a hundredfold when they offer to babysit unasked Wink

Carrierpenguin · 27/11/2014 18:21

Yanbu. You need to be clear on boundaries, you and your partner are a family and it sounds like granma is allowed to visit, but you value some space and privacy. Can you put up blinds at the front of the house, so if she drops in unexpectedly you can pretend to be out (ie keep blinds at front closed) also invent a really busy schedule of seeing other mums, baby classes etc during the week so granma knows it's best to visit at the weekends.

Kab13 · 27/11/2014 18:22

Just pop by for a cup of tea when it's convenient for you.
Perhaps don't put a time limit on your weekly visits? I really dislike my in laws and I spend more than an hour when I see them, once a week.
Maybe a Saturday morning/meet up for lunch etc.
I don't think yabu at all though.
It's very early days, stop worrying about mil and enjoy baby!
You'd be surprised, maybe she would be happy to come round whilst you shower/ have a quick nap. She may come in usefull?

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 27/11/2014 18:23

You dont know OP's MIL lunarstarfish yet you are advising her to pop in on her MIL despite knowing it is something OP would appreciate in reverse.

merrymouse · 27/11/2014 18:26

I'm not questioning why a gp would want to spend time with a baby.

I am saying that it is awkward to spend time with somebody who has been till recently a distant acquaintance at a time when you may be struggling with breast feeding, colic, reflux and sleepless nights.

When babies get past that stage it is much easier to leave a baby with another competent adult and get on and do something else.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 27/11/2014 18:28

Put up blinds to hide and lie to a grandmother who has done nothing wrong! How fucking hurtful when she knocks and can hear the baby crying inside and knows they are hiding! Or when OP is apparently at baby group but her DP lets slip that she was at home.

Wilf83 · 27/11/2014 18:29

Fall- I've just read all your posts & OP's responses & 100% agree with what you have said

Calloh · 27/11/2014 18:31

Nanny I totally agree that you are still a person in your own right when you are a grandparent and you definitely should not be picked up and put down.

I think respect, courtesy and consideration should go both ways.

The same is true when you are a parent, particularly a new one, you are a person not just a baby wrangler.

The point is the grandparents wants and wishes do not trump those of a new mother. A new mother is going to be knackered etcetera and GPs should be sensitive to that and let some of what they would like take a backseat. Particularly if they do not know the mother that well.

They probably have more in the reserve tank, at that time, than any new parent.

ApocalypseThen · 27/11/2014 18:32

I don't see the logic that a baby who sees grandma once a week at 3 mo won't bond

The granny can bond with a three month old though, and if she's pushed out now she may not be around when the baby is ready to bond.

SaucyJack · 27/11/2014 18:36

Visiting at least once a week isn't being pushed out by anyone's standard's tho.

At least not in the real, non-MIL fetishising world that I live in.

basgetti · 27/11/2014 18:40

Exactly, once a week is pretty regular contact. And lets not forget that OP's BF doesn't have a particularly close relationship with his mother and is happy with how things are. So why should the OP be forced to have more contact than MIL's own son wants?

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