To be annoyed that friend is bringing her child to dinner

[Fallingovercliffs]

I invited a few friends over for dinner on Saturday evening. These days we really only get together as a group about once a year so I was really looking forward to a good catch up. One of my friends (who has two children aged 7 and 9) rang me yesterday to say that her babysitter has had to cancel. I was about to say 'oh dear. We'll really miss you' or somesuch when she just continued with 'but they won't be any trouble and I'll make sure they bring things to play with'.
AIBU to be really pissed off now? They're both a bit spoilt and attention seeking to be honest, but even if they weren't I really don't want two young kids sitting in our midst.

Perfect solution. (You were not being unreasonable. I have a friend who does this at every gathering of old friends, but demands to bring a "boyfriend" - it changes the dynamic totally. It is the demand that is the irritating bit)

Good solution. We nearly always get babysitters for events like this, unless it's specified that children are invited too. Even then, tbh, I'd rather have a "night off". I have one friend who goes everywhere with her DC - "we come as a package". It wouldn't occur to her to get a sitter . But then I rather like the idea of just bringing the kids and them hanging out. The reality, though, I fear, would be different. DD would be wanting hugs and wouldn't like the film and DS would be skulking around looking for food

If anyone was coming to my house with the attitude or expectation that my children are hidden or sent away, they would just not be welcome., I am afraid

We just chuck all the kids onto our kingsize bed and put on a DVD (oh for a second reception/playroom option!). They rarely interrupt - if it is then it's for a quick drink.

You do sound rather inflexible tbh

I am intrigued that people arrange for their children to be elsewhere when they have dinner parties. is this common? I have never done that and am not aware of that ever happening at a dinner party I have been to, including really quite formal ones. Kids get put to bed or told to stay in a different room, and they do so. Host might disappear for 5 minutes at one stage to check they are in bed. Admittedly in a couple of cases there might be au pairs on the scene who I guess could help police the children.
In my case it is not a case of not being able to bear being aware from the children, it has just not been necessary. If a friend got stuck and needed to bring a child rather than cancel, I would be happy for them to do so provided it was clear that this was on the same terms as my own DC (i.e. bed or another room). I can think of one friend whose DC would not be able to stick to the rules, but she would not ask. And in fact currently only has very casual dinners herself.

But SummerSazz how long does that last? Say the evening starts at 8, normally we'd be home 12/1 - that's a very long DVD. Do they all just crash out? Then what? Genuinely interested, as this is clearly a cheaper option than forking out for a sitter!

I didn't mean rearrange the date for everyone- you just go ahead and rearrange for the ones without babysitters.

Reminds me of a colleague who once suggested that our workplace Christmas party be held after Christmas, in the day and in a 'child-friendly' environment.The idea lasted a few days before a protest movement formed...:)

Glad you have a solution, OP.
Fine for those who are happy to have children at dinner parties. But it is not unreasonable to want to host an adults only evening without having to worry about kids. Not everyone has the luxury of a secluded room away from the adult dinners where the DC can watch a DVD or play. And not everyone wants to have the DC around all the time and look forward to some proper adult time.

Agree with Avon, my dinner parties go on very late till 1pm, we all get very drunk and talk very loudly and it's not fair on the kids to be upstairs listening to it all. Or fair to us if they come down grumpy and moaning or arguing about something or other.

Daydreamersea, perhaps we're in the same friend group

I am intrigued that people arrange for their children to be elsewhere when they have dinner parties. is this common?

Why intrigued? I'd want to get disgraceful and put loud music on.

We've always had the kids at home when we entertain. It wouldn't occur to me to ship them out. But apart from a quick hello if they wanted to (they didn't really!) they weren't allowed to be part of a dinner party with adults only.

We also have lunches and suppers where kids are invited too. It's nice to do whole family meals with friends.

But I wouldn't want children involved all the time.

We often have several kids crashed out in the TV room, with some comfy blankets and so on, while the adults party till the small hours. And the teenagers/young people party along with us.

Glad it got sorted OP. Excellent outcome!

I'd move the meal to another week. The woman was very rude to assume it would be OK to bring her children.

They much prefer to be shipped out where they are spoilt rotten by their step sister or get to play with friends. It also means we can put on loud music and behave badly, or sit around and get drunk and talk shop. Some of our dinner parties are a bit like meetings - so very inappropriate to have children there.

Ywnbu, agree that it was a good outcome. I enjoy child welcome evenings, but adults only ones should be just that - only adults.

Avon - if we go to dinner party at another house it's prob 8pm-1am timings. Kids join/ draw/ play together until about 10pm, then we tend to settle them on sofa/ bean bag with blanket, dim lights in that room and start a film. They fall asleep soon after once cosy and when we are ready to leave dh and I carry them to taxi. Then transfer into bed.

When our friends get together it is usually the same person who hosts because she loves doing it and she is the most central. Her and her DP always send the kids to the grandparents because they dont want their own children there, so I cant imagine they would be happy to arrange an impromptu movie night if I rocked up with mine!

In the past if babysitting has been an issue we either rearrange or we miss it. Thats life when you have children, you cant do everything. I wonder what the reaction would be if this had been a wedding......

We tend to have either early evening dos where children are invited, fed and have entertainment options while the adults eat and then watch a DVD while we have a chat then everyone goes home before 10.
Or later ones where host's children are either put to bed (or, if lucky, shipped off to grandparents) and guests get babysitters.
I like both but they are entirely different events and there's no ambiguity about which sort of dinner it will be when invitations are issued!

Glad you've found a solution op-have fun!

Avon we ended up moving away from lots of friends and family so we often have a houseful staying rather than heading off late. They watch some DVD's and peel off to bed when tired told

We have had some where people have driven/taxied home and children have just fallen asleep and been lifted. Mine are 8 and 6 now and not really had a problem with this approach tbh.

To be fair it depends on the age of the DCs and if they are happy to sit upstairs watching DVDs out of the way and put themselves to bed and what kind of do you are having at home.

when i have friends over it's always clear - with kids or without kids. if they had to bring their kids when it was adults only i'd be really fcuked off. being interrupted all the time, arguing over what to watch on telly, my daughters room getting frisked (as happends with some kids i know).

you were right to say no. good for you. it's horrible that she put you in that position.

as graham norton said: kids are like farts. you only like your own.

hope you have a great night :O).