To be annoyed that friend is bringing her child to dinner

[Fallingovercliffs]

I invited a few friends over for dinner on Saturday evening. These days we really only get together as a group about once a year so I was really looking forward to a good catch up. One of my friends (who has two children aged 7 and 9) rang me yesterday to say that her babysitter has had to cancel. I was about to say 'oh dear. We'll really miss you' or somesuch when she just continued with 'but they won't be any trouble and I'll make sure they bring things to play with'.
AIBU to be really pissed off now? They're both a bit spoilt and attention seeking to be honest, but even if they weren't I really don't want two young kids sitting in our midst.

My friend said she'd be more than delighted to share babysitting arrangements rather than have these two children ruining our get together. She's going to contact Friend 1 and suggest it. Fingers crossed Oh and thanks Esmum.

Is she expecting you to feed them too OP?
If so it's a bit much to expect you to feed another couple of small mouths with only a few days notice

And would you be happy Artandco for your children (who at 7 and 9 will understand most things being talked about) to be listening in on adult conversations? Or as a guest would you be happy talking about personal stuff in front of someone else's children, than you hardly know?

Because I certainly wouldn't.

Hopefully that'll work OP. The power of mumsnet!

OP did say the friends were a bit demanding and gave the impression they weren't that good at doing as they'd been told.

Falling - mine sit at the table nicely now, talk, interact and then go draw/ read/ play quietly nearby at dinner parties. They are 3 and 4, so yes I would expect them to do the same at 7 and 9 years

I'd love to see your four year old 'interacting' on the finer points of government policies, your friend worries about going through a dx process with their oldest for autism, another friends worries about caring for her agin mother, that funny story when you got really drunk accidentally at a summer BBQ and had to be out to bed like you were back in uni etc

YANBU. It would definitely ruin the mood for me as a guest. Freedom to chat and all that. It works well with some groups, esp family gatherings but if you think the others won't like it, maybe get back to her about it.

I can't see why she can't bring them, if she wants to

Because they weren't invited?

I can't believe the rudeness of the friend. She should be asking not telling.

Exactly Whois. The only way a 2 and 4 year old can 'interact' with guests is if the conversation is entirely pitched at their level. Which is fine for a few minutes but not for the entire meal.

Yaaay Just got a text from friend with babysitter "All sorted. See you Sat"

As it's an adults only dinner party, no children should be present. It really will restrict the conversation and as other adults there have arranged babysitters, it's not fair to them.
If it's all friends and children, with no one paying for babysitters, it would be a very different party.
OP YANBU but hopefully the friend will accept the alternative offer.

Yanbu....

Bit pushy just to presume bringing them along.

Op your world is completely normal. In the real world MOST people do not want children, however well behaved, at adult evening things. EVER. If it was me I would say they could stay the night at a push but they'd have to go to bed when mine does. But come on, do people really have 7 year olds at adult dinners? God how dreary. For the adults, to never get any time off.

Surely the kids would be uninterested in hanging around the adults and could read/play with an iPad/watch a DVD etc, in another room, then settle down somewhere suitable to have a sleep later on? That's what my parents always did with us, and what we do when we have friends around.

I find that strange as well GreyGardens. Do the people who think it's okay to bring uninvited children along to adult only dinners, also think it's okay for adults to sit in on their teenagers' get togethers? Or do they realise that will ruin the occasion, change the dynamic and completely scupper the conversation? Because in my view it's the same when children are plonked into the middle of what was meant to be an 'all adults together' occasion.

Glad it's all sorted :)

Like I said they sit for a while then go and entertain themselves, so it's fine IMO to keep conversation child friendly for 30 mins, then talk about anything else whilst they are off busy drawing/ watching film etc.

However in our friends it would be rare that ours are only children as others usually bring also. So usually 5/6 children ranging from newborn up. If evening is a late one at some point some are tucked in blankets on sofa and sleep

Well your house, your rules but I personally would consider you to be inflexible and inhospitable. My kids who are roughly the same age would be perfectly happy to be upstairs in sleeping bags watching DVDs with threats on pain of death not to come downstairs

I think it's totally fine to bring children, on the proviso that they go to bed or stay with the host's children overnight, we do this quite a lot actually in my group of friends, but I just find it odd that they'd be joining in the evening meal/drinks/party. To me that's v much a time for adults to let their hair down, have a few drinks, talk about (probably) inappropriate things.
Having said all that, we would do this on eg NY Eve if a big party was being hosted for kids and adults, but would have 2 separate rooms for both parties.

That's different then Art because it's understood that children are included. But would you bring them along to an occasion where they hadn't been invited and where no one else was bringing their kids?
Also, most kids will not sit tidily and quietly for 30 mins and then spend the rest of the evening happily amusing themselves. There will be interruptions, quarrels, requests for this that and the other, wanting to come in and cuddle up to mummy for a while etc. Normal behaviour for children, but doesn't really add anything to an adults' night out.

Maybe because I only had a child very late in life I have had enough adults only occasions and dinners in my life not to care too much about whether I have one or not! I spent my twenties, thirties and most of my forties having no children around anywhere at all. So it's nice to have a change!When we have people around, for dinner or any other occasion, there is often a mix of kids about, from older teenagers to babies. I'm happy with that, but I can see other people might have different views. Best to be clear with your friends, that's all.

Dudesmummy I had an only child late in life too, and while I do adore children, I just don't always want them around at adult parties.

but yeah bed is fine of course

YANBU OP, not only did she assume and not ask but kids completely change the dynamic. Plus it would piss off anyone who had actually paid for a babysitter as well. If i went somewhere and had paid for a babysitter to have adult time, I would be pissed off to find someone had just invited them along. Especially when they are attention seeking and needy.

When childcare falls through within our friends' group, with a few days notice, we first see if we can relocate to the friend's house who has no childcare. If that's not possible, we usually give the option to rearrange rather than exclude anyone. 9 times out of 10, we relocate and bring a dish each or nibbles.

You didn't say it was adults only and from her perspective, she probably just doesn't want to miss out.

If you don't want to postpone or relocate the dinner date, just tell her. That would be better than spending the evening resenting her and her children.