AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

[rocketjam]

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

Well I don't intend to lie to my toddler . She knows already its just a nice story . She has seen the idea of FC in books and I've alluded to it briefly but with no mention of bedrooms,nighttime and chimneys .
Last week she said she asked if FC was real . I said what do you think and she replied 'pretend'.
No lies, no ridiculous pretence and confusion . Simply it's s nice story to make a nice time even nicer .
Some children are uber sensitive and I do belief this concept can confuse them .
If I've ruined something for her I'm sure the benefits will by far out the negatives. She's scared shitless of cats ,dogs,cars and pretty much all adults . Do you seriously think the concept of FC would have helped her developing mind come to terms with the world around her ?

Christ on a bike !! Has the world become so complicated that parents see allowing their children the brief magic of believing in Father Christmas as lying to them ?! No doubt the tooth fairy has been outed, and the Easter Bunny exposed for the big fraud that he is ?

I may need to go and lie down.................

LOL The word "cunt" gets thrown around liberally around here, but MNHQ is worried about a child reading about santa?

If you're letting your child look over your shoulder on this site they're going to learn worse things than santa not existing.

Santa exists as a concept. A story and way to bring extra magic to young people at Christmas. Once you no longer believe you can join in the magic of Christmas by continuing the tradition, as have your parents, for the benefit of those who do believe.

Something like that is a kinder way to explain Santa to a 9yr old than " it's a lie, he doesn't exist". If you're in the position of having to explain to a child, especially one that isn't yours and whose parents want to continue with the Santa story, surely it's no big deal to explain without insinuating that parents have been part of a lie? I didn't keep up with Santa with my own, or sell it as real to begin with but, I still wouldn't tell someone else's child that it's a lie, as that's unkind, judgmental and unkind.

feel a bit sorry for the op

she wasnt rude or spiteful about the mil. if it was my child I would have liked for me or dp to be the ones to make the final decision... as many have said their parents never explicitly said santa wasnt real!

I think a lot of posters are projecting annoyance at how mils are spoken about normally on mn or spoken about by the first 2/3 replies here and slating the OP for it... come on now

The whole Santa thing is a tradition, it's not a lie. It's a myth, an old tale based on a real man.

Telling you your DC was upset because you'd lied is projecting her opinion onto the situation. He was probably upset because he'd just found out that Santa doesn't exist and he was happy to continue believing for a year or two more.

Hmm - it's a tricky one.

In our family, it was never put into words. So it went from our tiny children's belief that FC existed to a fun game that we all knew we were playing. It happened over a couple of years. I don't think I would have appreciated someone telling them that we'd been 'lying' to them as we were all playing out a lovely story and tradition.

It's the same with religion, which to me is a made-up story. As an atheist, if I have grandchildren that are being brought up to believe in a god, and they ask me if god is real, I wouldn't tell them that their parents had been lying to them all along. I would say that some people believe and some people don't. For me, god is no more real than santa but I don't think it would be my place to say this to a nine-year-old.

"LOL The word "cunt" gets thrown around liberally around here, but MNHQ is worried about a child reading about santa?"

I know, it definitely made me smile on this cold winter's morning.

In my experience as an infant school teacher by the time a DC asks a direct question about FC he/she already knows the answer.

DS1 pretended to believe for 2 years after he ceased to believe because he didn't want to spoil it for his brother.

Well quite Bulbasur, I thought the same

Re the mil surely she could have at least deflected the question and threaded a little more sensitively.

It's funny how people that take a certain pride in being so blunt to everyone else can be sensitive when it comes to themselves being upset. Ie the op doesn't feel able to tell the mil honestly how she feels because the mil wouldn't like to hear it.

My dc are all teens. Of course they know, and have for years. But we've never had The Conversation. Santa is a bit of fun now, but picking it all apart would somehow tarnish our enjoyment. It's not always necessary to spell everything out in 10ft high letters.

I do remember my grandma spoiling it for me by mentioning it being my mum all the time. I just used to wish she'd shut up about it. I knew but I just wanted to enjoy it for the fun it was.

I am always a bit at people saying 9 years plus believe in santa. Surely by they are they have developed a bit of maturity and know it's a nice story but not real. Plus they hear it at school.

However if I was your mil I would have said ask mummy/daddy and given you a heads up.

Btw what's with all the angst about lying? My kids knew they jolly well should tell a nice lie to save feelings do they didn't say 'granddads fat'

White lies are a skill you should teach children. My older ones lied about santa to the little ones.

As for posters saying they are traumatised after being lied to by parents about santa, get a bloody grip.

Op your made a misjudgment but it's done now. I would tell her you are disappointed in her actions and enjoy your Christmas.

Chennai, unless your grandchildren's parents are also atheists or agnostics they are not lying when they tell their children that God is real. You may believe they are wrong or even deluded, but they are not lying.

I also think it would be very unlikely that the grandmother in this case or anyone else would point out to a child that their parent has been lying. It seems to be the grandmother's view that that is why the child was upset, we don't know she actually did this. Also most people have used 'lying' to refer to the mother's answers when her son has asked directly. It is one thing to go along with a view of Father Christmas a child has picked up from elsewhere, nursery perhaps, quite another to keep on refusing to give a truthful answer when a child asks directly. At that point the truth is more valuable to the child than the (fake) magic of Father Christmas/Santa.

This 9 year old has been asking at home for two years and not got a straight answer. So he asked someone else. Imagine how frustrating if that person fobbed him off too.

Fair point, charlestonchaplin. All families do the FC thing differently, though, so I think it's best to give a 'different people believe different things' answer when other people's children ask this, and let their parents deal with it as they wish.

As we did, plenty of families enjoy allowing the belief to segue into a fun game that keeps the magic alive after the children understand it's not real.

"I have no intention on this earth of coming clean and she can keep asking until she knows he is not real. "

So you're going to fob off your child until she gets desperate enough to accuse you to your face of being a liar?

How delightful.

I think there comes a point where a child clearly doesn't believe (like the OP's, only that was two years ago) and I think it's deeply unfair to expect that child to carry on with the game without explaining to them that it's a game.

The kid is 9 he has been doubting for 2 years.The fact that he is upset that you lied to him , I think proves the MIL was right- the child wanted and needed an honest answer.
I think a child's need for honesty trumps the mothers right to ..to what? l don't know play fantasy games

I have never told mine he doesn't exist.

I haven't even said that out loud to my 15 year old. Of course he knows the truth now at that age but I never confirm it. We just go along with it. It's fun.

My almost 8 year old still believes in him, I would be really upset if an adult told her the truth.

Some of the reactions on this thread just prove to me that Father Christmas is more about the parents than the kids, some parents just will never give up Santa it's all about their magic and fun they need the kids to believe or it will ruin their Christmas.
Damn those bloody kids wanting the truth ruining mummy and daddy's fun!

Some of the reactions on this thread just prove to me that Father Christmas is more about the parents than the kids, some parents just will never give up Santa it's all about their magic and fun they need the kids to believe or it will ruin their Christmas. Damn those bloody kids wanting the truth ruining mummy and daddy's fun!

Spot on. This applies to so many things about Christmas that I see here. That bloody elf for one.

Mean for mil or someone else to disillusion a child over Santa. That's the parents job tho saying that DS has been asking you for a while tho he really knew

Oh, LittlBairn- I think I love you! I adore Christmas- but I can't stand the competitive Christmas magic stuff......

I worked out Santa was't really at about 6/7 when I saw the carrot had been cut with a knife.

Me and my siblings asked my grandparents on Christmas morning and they said Santa was made up - we accepted it and moved on. My parents (as far as I'm aware) were not cross they told us.

Never occurred to me to think my parents were lying, just more we were in on the big secret now. Let's help keep it a secret for the cousins. It was fun!

Only on MN is this hand wringing determination to make children believe in the Absolute Truth of Santa until long after they have lost their virginity, started drinking and graduated from university.

In the real world, IME, Santa is treated as an exciting ritual and fun character - just like Winnie the Pooh and Peppa Pig and children get just as much fun out of stockings and grotto visits without having a gun held to their head and forced to believe that he is Truly Real.

As someone wise once pointed out on a similar thread, kids don't care about the 'magic' of Christmas - they care about presents.

Well I certainly don't wring my hands over it. But neither would I appreciate someone dispelling the myth. It's not their job is it? It's mine.