AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

[rocketjam]

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

When I tell my children that I believe that God exists, I am telling the truth because I do believe that God exists. If I were to tell my children that I believe that Santa exists I would be lying to them because I do not believe that Santa exists.
When I found out that Father Christmas was a lie, I wasn't cross with my parents but I do remember wondering what else they had lied to me about.

You can love Christmas and hate the Santa pretense Elf. The two are not synonymous.

my son is 10 and strongly believes, plus a friend's kid is in year 8 and still definitely believes. regardless of anyting it's not your mil's place to tell him stuff like that.

children like the asking if santa is real because it's all so crazy - all those presents/kids/all over the world in one night thing etc etc etc. (it's reminding me of when stewie and brian (family guy) tried to deliver christmas presents!!!!!).

your mil could well have said : ask mummy.

but if your DS says : is that granny's real hair colour, etc., you can only tell the truth, as she did to your ds.

gloves off!!!

Honestly can you not see that distinction?

Everyone can see that distinction. But the son has it right. Santa is a lie. He was lied to every time his mother refused to answer his question honestly. It's not a bad lie or a wicked lie, but that doesn't make it the truth. Granny doesn't need to have framed this in an evil way for him to see that. He's clearly not an eejit.

How is 'No darling, he doesn't exist' mean? Sounds perfectly kind to me. Why should she have to go against her own belief that lying about Santa is a bad idea just becasue her DIL has a different opinion? This isn't a little kid and I think he deserves a certain amount of respect for asking a straight question. He obviously wanted a straight answer otherwise he would have been happy with the parent's fudging in the past and not asked his granny at all.

Agree not her place to say I would be fing

Why should she have to go against her own belief that lying about Santa is a bad idea just becasue her DIL has a different opinion?

Because its not her kid, she chose to do with her DC what she felt was best and rob them of the santa magic, her call,

Her DIl is this boys mother and she wants to keep the magic going. Or at least let him down gently and not in a way that frames it all as a nasty lie and turns the boy against his parents.

kenny would you really really say 'ask mummy' to a nine year old?

I also don't get why saying that the MIL's hair is dyed (if it was) would be an issue at all. Do you routinely lie to your older children? It just seems nuts to me. This child is not a little kid who seriously thinks that Santa comes down chimneys etc is he? That sounds to me like the sort of thing a much much younger child would be thinking about.

AND Nooka its the fact the boy has come back from her house, upset about the lying.

sounds totally drummed into his brain to me.

Nowhere does the OP does it say that the boy's MiL framed her response in any way that pointed a finger of blame on his parents for lying to him. Isn't it more natural to believe that he worked that out for himself - it is a pretty straight forward conclusion to draw.

No I disagree Barbarian, because its the lying aspect that is the big deal her mil has been making for years, and its exactly this particular aspect the boy has come home upset about.

Funny that

Sorry but 'rob them of the Santa magic' is just such tosh! Santa isn't compulsory or even a necessary part of Christmas. It's what you like to do but it doesn't mean that people who don't are wrong, just different.

sounds totally drummed into his brain to me.

She definitely used electrodes, I'd say. Probably not even tinsel ones.

• she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older

he told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him

And several people on this thread have said that they lying upset them too. If this child's parents had talked to him when he asked previously and allowed him to move from Santa is real to Santa is a nice game we play when it was obvious he was moving in that direction then this whole situation could have been easily avoided.

In what other area of our children's lives do we invest so much in keeping the truth from them? I just don't get it.

I'm curious. He has been asking for two years. You aren't planning on telling hi the truth. Your MIL isn't allowed to tell him the truth. Presumably you didn't expect him to believe at 14... Who was going to give him a straight answer?

I agree with this.

I am also amazed at those who think that understanding he is fictitious means the end of santa magic.

Mine will be 12, 9 and 7 this year. I think the 7yo still believes, but the other 2 don't. It doesn't stop them from adoring Christmas, being over excited, putting out stocking and coming squealing into our bedroom yelling SANTA'S BEEN at some unearthly hour of the morning.

If my child asked me this as a direct question, I would never lie to them. At 3, 4, 5 I might fudge, but not at 9.

Hi all. Just wanted to let you know we have edited the title of this thread to preserve the magic a little longer for any tiny would-be Mumsnetters reading over shoulders.

If you are Christian shouldn't you be prioritising Christmas being Jesus' birthday over belief in Santa?

We've always done Santa, and I think it's an important part of childhood. But I've always emphasised the religious side to Christmas as being more important.

I think you're MIL should have deferred to you. But your son is 9, and he's asking questions which you should have answered truthfully.

champagne - I agree, we are Christians and I have always thought that at Christmas especially it is odd to say to a child
Jesus is real and was born on this day
and
Santa is real and comes down the chimney

and then at some point say Ha Ha we were making the Santa one up, and expect them to continue to believe the other is a bit

My ds had several long conversations with me about magic one December. We were talking about the difference between conjuring tricks (which he loved) and fairy type magic and I told him that fairy magic wasn't real it was made up to create fun and exciting stories. He was about 6. A week later he asked me how Father Christmas got round all those houses in one night. I looked at him and said with a smile 'its magic' He thought for a moment and then said 'but magic is made up?' and I said yes, it is made up to make fun and exciting stories and games, and he laughed.

I think that's right - in my experience when kids find out about Santa - they recognise it's a fun thing to do. But then they outgrow it.

My DD found out close to Christmas when someone in her class told her - the parents strongly disagreed with 'Santa'. DD was worried Christmas wouldn't be magical anymore. But she said it actually was as good as ever because the Santa bit turned out not to be that important.

Presents, family time, Church, lovely food were so much more important than Santa.

Oh, for Pete's sake, MNHQ. Changing the thread title? Really? What a silly thing to do.

Good grief

9 is fine to find out about santa - it's not like she told a 4 year old.

My experience is when a child starts asking, he already has severe doubts. Which isn't strange as Santa actually doesn't exist - I think people sometimes forget that.

MIL should have lobbed it back to you rather than answering herself and I can see why she feels bad and you are angry - I probably would be too. Well probably not that much since I don't think any magic goes out of christmas when children no longer believe.

Anyway I wouldn't fall out seriously with a repentant real life person because I wanted my child to believe in an imaginary person for another year.

My thoughts exactly Elk

MN have long had a policy of no Santa spoilers in thread titles. There was a santa gate years ago when a poor innocent read mn over mummy's shoulder and read that santa wasn't real.

I have never really understood it, as if they were doing that, surely they read the OP and thread as well??