AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

[rocketjam]

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

No loon I mean on the big issues that the parents lead on.

Funny but when I found out he wasnt real, it never ever ever ever ever ever occured to me my parents had been lying.

Most people don't unless their family was dysfunctional to begin with.

I believed in Father Christmas for years . I must say, I don't ever remember thinking 'I can't believe my parents lied to me for so long'. I think that I believed, didn't question, and as long as I believed they were happy to go along with it. We had very long school holidays at Christmas and as school wasn't local we didn't hear anyone else's views on the subject.

I'm in the 'he's real if you believe' camp, and I would be very cross if MIL or anyone else burst that bubble - definitely one for the parents. But I don't think any of our family would, they don't believe in being so drearily honest about everything .

I don't know anyone that insists FC is a real person

Yet people worship their various Gods, who they insist are real 'spiritual' beings (or dead persons).
That's lying too, IMHO. Is it more acceptable?

There came a time when I knew that they knew and they also knew that I did know that they knew, but never the words were spoken (and the words are still not spoken, even though we all know)

This, too. Certainly my dcs knew well before 9 but Father Christmas remained "The Myth That Cannot Speak Its Name" for several years. They didn't think they'd been lied to but equally didn't want to shatter the magic for me either since I suspect they thought that it'd upset me to know they knew!

I'm now a gm. Would I tell my dgds that Father Christmas didn't exist? Well no. Absolutely not at the moment. At 9 I'd probably offer up an enigmatic comment on the assumption that surely they didn't still believe but if I thought for one minute that it'd unleash such a storm as I've read on this thread then I'd probably duck out altogether and tell them to ask their parents! Certainly, the very idea that I might be an absolute cunt for speaking the truth to a 9 year old is something of a shocker.

She overrode everything she knows your family likes and has seen for 9 yrs. I would be incandescent.

You must be terrifying when something actually happens.

Evans-imo it's the same thing but that's not a popular opinion and wouldn't voice that unless directly asked.

Tell him that his gm is just bitter as she was on the naughty list and got coal.

Seriously - what a fucking bitch! I would not get her anything for Christmas !

"She overrode everything she knows your family likes and has seen for 9 yrs. I would be incandescent.

You must be terrifying when something actually happens."

And no earth shattering character defining moments come from finding out fc isn't real - if they do it is indicative of greater problems IMO

Wow, it's quite enlightening to read some of the comments on this thread. The people who have called the MIL vile names (and said that she should spend Xmas alone) have clearly absorbed the magic of Xmas and taken the spirit of the season into their hearts.

Evans-imo it's the same thing but that's not a popular opinion and wouldn't voice that unless directly asked

Oh bugger - too late now

Evans -

Your ds asked an honest question so think at age 9 an honest answer was in order

I'm also in the 'he's NINE' camp. You say he's been questioning for a couple of years, which basically means that he knows it's not true.

But then I'm another one who doesn't really get the big hoo-ha about Father Christmas. I can't remember ever really believing in him but Christmas was still exciting and joyful. I suspect I pretended I believed for a while because I feared that if I didn't 'believe' I wouldn't get the stocking presents.

I don't have children yet but I can't see myself actively pretending that he exists. I'm a Christian too and I'd rather they focused on the spiritual side of it.

Elf, the OP doesn't say anywhere that her MIL has always hated Christmas - where on earth are you getting that from? OP just said that her MIL had always told her own children that Santa wasn't real & was worried about them thinking she'd lied to them. OP says she is a worrier generally.

If MIL always intended to shatter her GS's illusions, she's been remarkably restrained in waiting nine years to do it. OP says her son has been suspecting / asking for a couple of years now & now he's asked his gran as well. The reason a lot of other posters aren't choosing to see all this as some evil MIL conspiracy / deliberate undermining of the magic of Christmas is probably because, on the evidence here, it isn't one.

Your ds asked an honest question so think at age 9 an honest answer was in order

Well I agreed with that originally, but I must say, my opinion has been completely turned around by the pro Santa crowd. I like the idea of persuading the boy that granny is actually a dreadful old liar who is spreading these false and malicious rumours about the non- existence of Santa because, due to the evil Santa noted from her earliest days, she only got coal at Christmas. That's why we've gone no contact with her now.

I think he's bound to end up a much happier, more enriched and festive youth. Of course, it may fall apart a bit once he has kids and Santa presents mysteriously don't appear, but that's a problem for another decade.

Evans there is a fundamental difference between pretending that Santa exists and believing in a god. The adult in one scenario is sharing their own heartfelt beliefs about how they perceive the world to be. In the other they are spreading a myth that they no damn well isn't true. They might do that for all sorts of positive reasons but it really really isn't the same.

I'm an atheist btw with some very religious relatives (none of whom do FC though) when my mother talks to my children about Jesus she really really believes every word she is saying, it's incredibly important to her. I don't think anyone feels that way about Father Christmas do they?

Oh and I'd think it was mighty odd if your children and ILs didn't think that Christmas Day was special - it's Christmas!

Hakluyt Wed 26-Nov-14 15:59:22

"Not Her Place"

No, of course not. MILs don't have a place- they just have to hover unobtrusively until told by their dil where they can briefly land and what they are allowed to do.

Hak may I ask, are you a MIL yourself? Am genuinely curious as the above seems pretty loaded and possibly a bit bitter in sentiment (am not being critical, am genuinely just wondering what place you're coming from on this as it does seem quite 'angled')

Apocalypse

Not RTFT but scanned the first few pages and cannot believe the vitriol and hate directed at your MIL. Your DS was going to have to find out sometime that Santa DOES NOT EXIST (really, you know because em, he DOESN'T). What an absolute load of old nonsense to get yourself in such a snit about. And for some posters to suggest your MIL should be metaphorically hung, drawn and quartered for it...pfft...get a life people.

Haven't read the whole thread...

It wasn't really her place to tell him, and if she found herself backed into a corner by the child's questioning, she could have found a kind way to tell him. His reaction is telling, not just about whether it was the right time for him to find out. It sounds like a cruel way, for him to be in tears, upset and angry with his parents. Could this adult not have told him in a kind way, passing on the secret for him to help keep the magic alive for younger ones in his life? There are ways of telling the truth aren't there? It seems that mil has allowed disapproval to colour the way she told the truth, so instead of bringing him into the magical position of helping to bring Santa alive for others, as his parents did for him, he was just told a cold "he's not real, yes your parents lied". That's cold.

could this adult not have told him in a kind way

The kind thing to do would have been for the op to have been honest with her son at some point over the last two years. Them he wouldn't have needed to ask his gran

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

Doesn't sound like an xmas lover to me.

As said earlier this isn't:

" Poor mil, rang me distressed and upset, she was put on the spot by DS and said santa wasn't real, she is so upset and called me to tell me to warn me he knows its a lie she is so upset but so am I"

This is

"MIl has never told her own dc about santa, never wanted to lie to them and has told my son he isn't real and now my son thinks I have been lying to him"

Honestly can you not see that distinction?

Your ds asked an honest question so think at age 9 an honest answer was in order

But was this honest?

It seems what ever she has said to him has come laden with words about lies and being lied too and turning a wonderful and positive thing into something tawdry and nasty...and mean. That is what the sweet Mil has done.