Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

282 replies

rocketjam · 26/11/2014 13:58

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

OP posts:
MiddletonPink · 26/11/2014 16:42

FC not DC.

Original poster
rocketjam · 26/11/2014 16:44

I know it's not the end of the world and I didn't write that a family war was going to come out of this - I just said I was angry about it.

And no I don't think he'd be laughed at in the playground - many of my friends with 8-9 yo still play the game a bit, have doubts, but still think it's fun. And his best friend still firmly believe in Santa, as well as the tooth fairy.

I would never say to one of my children - even less to another child - that it's all a big conspiracy to trick children and that all parents who tell Santa stories are liars. Next time he would have asked me I would have probably reminded him of St Nicholas story, and giving each other presents because we love each other very much. I would not have said yes dear I have lied to you for 9 years.

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 26/11/2014 16:45

Swallowing down your anger rather than expressing how you feel assertively clearly isn't working for you if you're left furious enough to start a MN thread about the problem.

This. If you don't tell her it's unacceptable behavior, she will assume it's fine. You told her not to worry, and now the next time she will be more comfortable over stepping boundaries, because she genuinely thinks it's ok.

You can't be upset with her in the future if you're enabling bad habits.

Hakluyt · 26/11/2014 16:53

I think swallowing anger is entirely appropriate. Because being angry is wildly inappropriate.

skylark2 · 26/11/2014 16:53

He's nine and asked her a direct question. I don't think she did anything wrong.

I do think it's rather sad that he's being trying to get you to confirm it for a while and you've continued to skirt round the question.You've taught him that if he wants a straight answer he'll need to go to someone who isn't you.

Original poster
rocketjam · 26/11/2014 16:56

Absolutely right bulbasuar, but when she told me over the phone DS was next to me, and I was about to put him to bed it was a bad timing. And I didn't want to over react either. Or say something I might regret. I needed a bit of perspective and although some posts are a bit strange, I can see things a bit clearer now

OP posts:
diddl · 26/11/2014 16:56

Well if he's been doubting & wanting the truth & you haven't given it, of course he's upset that you lied!

or do you think that MIL acually said that he doesn't exist and that you have been lying?

ApocalypseThen · 26/11/2014 16:57

So were you ever planning to be direct and straight with him, OP? Because it sounds like you were going to dodge the question again.

PurpleSwift · 26/11/2014 16:59

What? Honesty no - this wouldn't bother me. You told your son some people believe and some people don't. His grandmother is in the category of those who don't believe. He already knows some people don't believe - I'm not seeing the issue.

Bulbasaur · 26/11/2014 17:00

Absolutely right bulbasuar, but when she told me over the phone DS was next to me, and I was about to put him to bed it was a bad timing. And I didn't want to over react either. Or say something I might regret. I needed a bit of perspective and although some posts are a bit strange, I can see things a bit clearer now

Well, it's not too late. Just take her aside, and tell her you're not upset this time. But in the future if she undermines your parenting decisions you will be. That includes things like talking about: sex, religion, and politics before he's at an age to make up his own mind on the matter.

diddl · 26/11/2014 17:05

"His grandmother is in the category of those who don't believe. He already knows some people don't believe - I'm not seeing the issue."

But then perhaps she should have said that she didn't believe?

I think it's tricky because he has been asking & OP has been fudging, so maybe he asked in a way that showed he knew & he just wanted it confirming?

LoonvanBoon · 26/11/2014 17:16

That includes things like talking about: sex, religion, and politics before he's at an age to make up his own mind on the matter.

What does that actually mean in practice, though, bulbasaur? Do you think parents should tell GPs & others that they're not, for instance, allowed to tell a 9 year old, who has asked the question, which party they intend to vote for in an election? Or that they're not allowed to give simple, factual answers about what different religions believe? This sounds astonishingly controlling to me.

DayLillie · 26/11/2014 17:19

I told mine that santa only came to people who believe in him. Wink

They kept it up for years. Didn't matter what people told them.

They knew and they knew that I knew, and it is a good game Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2014 17:23

I agree at 9 I am sure he was aware himself Santa is not real, so asked someone else. What if he had heard it at school. Stop fuming and get a big rubber grip. Christmas can still be special with or without Santa.

Hakluyt · 26/11/2014 17:25

"That includes things like talking about: sex, religion, and politics before he's at an age to make up his own mind on the matter."

What are the poor bloody grandparents allowed to talk about - the weather?

Children are allowed to have meaningful relationships with people who aren't their mother parents, you know!

crumblebumblebee · 26/11/2014 17:29

On MN, it's considered a serious offence to tell a child that Santa doesn't exist but I've never heard this in real life. It just seems so...I don't know...petty in the grand scheme of things especially given the age of this child.

ApocalypseThen · 26/11/2014 17:34

How are children allowed to school if only their mother can tell them anything?

Frikadellen · 26/11/2014 17:35

Op have a chat with your boy and say to him something like.

I understand your having doubts about FC and if he is real or not. You know we say some believe in him and some do not and that is the truth, some people believe there is an actual man being FC others believe in what he stands for. Being loving and giving and kind to one another. That IS something very real and it is something that is inside all of us and something we can give to everyone we love and care about to help them feel Christmas is a magical and wonderful time of year.

Speak w mil about how to speak truthfully without actually undermining you and dh too. As no you didn't lie you showed kindness and giving to others, and now you can move on to helping your big boy learn more about how to give all of this magic to others.

RedToothBrush · 26/11/2014 17:52

Santa is real. He is not a lie.

Santa is magical. Santa is a dream that we choose to create. It is a very special gift we give our children. The power to imagine and to believe.

Learning 'the truth' need not be a disappointment nor thought of as a lie. Without Santa stockings would not be filled. Who fills them is really only a minor point.

DayLillie · 26/11/2014 17:56

Without Santa stockings would not be filled. Who fills them is really only a minor point.

Absolutely RedToothBrush. Once they get the hang of this, no matter what anyone says about Father Christmas, they will believe Grin (and don't know when to stop)

Thereshegoes · 26/11/2014 18:00

Santa does exist. You are Santa, we create the magic and we do it in the name of Santa. That's what I've told my dd this year when the doubt became disbelief, she's excited about creating the magic for our DS this year.

Boomtownsurprise · 26/11/2014 18:01

She's a witch. Id make her burn for that.

She knows your families preferences. She overrode everything she knows your family likes and has seen for 9 yrs. I would be incandescent.

She would fucking Christmas alone.

RedToothBrush · 26/11/2014 18:10

Santa came until I was sixteen.

Me and my younger brother would sit and open our presents together. They were the only presents we were allowed to open without my parents. Santa still got a glass of cherry and Rudolph still got a carrot.

Of course I knew 'the truth' for many years before, but that wasn't the point. The magic was still there. It was inter woven into the fabric of my family's Christmas.

I honestly think its about what you make it. I still believe in Santa.

Hakluyt · 26/11/2014 18:25

The point is that you can still do all the lovely things even if people don't believe.....my dd will be 19 this Christmas and will still get a stocking and open it on our bed in the morning........

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 26/11/2014 18:28

He's 9, not 4. He's been asking for a couple of years and you've been fudging. FFS. When were you going to tell him?