AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

[rocketjam]

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

I didn't expect to hear that you are a Christian family and you feel Christmas isn't special enough without elevating 'Santa' to religious heights. And you carry on misleading your son when he is searching for the truth not for his own benefit but for yours, because you believe it makes Christmas more special. Odd. It is perfectly possible to have a very special Christmas for children without ramping up the 'Santa' hysteria. (I prefer Father Christmas myself)

My 8 yo has sussed it but we will still be sprinkling reindeer dust on 24th!

Talk to your son, he obvs suspected and has for a while. Am sure he is not as upset as she is making out?

Sorry I think YABU - if he's been doubting Santa for a few years and keeps getting a wishy washy answer from you it makes sense that he asked his granny.
I think once they have started to doubt it you need to be honest. Can't believe people are calling her a cunt for answering a question honestly (he's 9 not 5).

Do you think that she was doing it to be nasty?

Why do you think that he asked her?

Do you think that he suspected that you were lying to him?

I can't help thinking that by the time they are asking, they are doubting anyway.

Oh, for crying out loud. He's 9! and he asked a direct question. 9, not 4. And he's been asking you for 2 years and you haven't given him a straight answer so he chose somebody who would.

If you have a 9 year old who genuinely still lives, rather than carrying on the charade because their mad mother so how or other things you can't have a "magical Christmas" without believing, then I would be seriously questioning what sort of teaching he was getting at school....

He's not Santa anyway

Here in Scotland he's Santa.

Hak - my eldest 2 still believed at 10. They were absolutely fine, still are, perfectly sane mother, and were not taught anything other than the standard national curriculum - so no need for any serious questioning.

My son wasn't upset btw. In fact he was rather pleased with himself for working it out and getting me at admit it!

He's been asking you direct questions about it for 2 years and you've been avoiding answering? I don't think your MIL would have had to encourage him to think you've been lying to him. I think he could be disapointed that he can't rely on you all by himself. But do kind of agree that it wasn't her place to tell him, but I think you've let him down more than she has.

I'm afraid I'm in the 'HE'S NINE!' camp too.

Age of child doesn't matter. Grandmother should not have said anything contrary to the child's mother's stance on it. She knew her daughter in law's view. She stepped over a boundary.

The majority of parents 'lie' about Father Christmas. It's called keeping the magic as long as possible. Older children 'lie' for the sake of younger ones in the family. It is no one's place to over ride the wishes of parents in this. Age doesn't matter. Family boundaries do.

"Age of the child doesn't matter"

The thing is this child has been doubting for two years. Clearly mum and dad wouldn't give a straight answer so he's gone to his gran (who I don't think did anything wrong).

And his Gran should have said that he needed to ask his mum. She chose not to lie to her own children, and she should have respected the decision of her son and DIL to tell him that some children believe and some don't.

Presumably her son felt that he missed out somehow as a child and didn't want his own child to have the same experience, otherwise he'd have told the truth too.

It is completely unreasonable to expect anyone else to lie to protect you or your ideas. The best you can hope for is, 'Ask your parents' or 'Some people believe', leaving the poor child frustrated that the people he thinks care about him the most are all keeping something from him.

If you think he can magically turn off his doubts and have another extra-special Santa Christmas, you are deceiving yourself. He'll have a happy Christmas because it's a time of celebration not because he is gradually waking up to the fact that his parents tell lies.

"She apologised and sounded very sorry" - so Mil knows that she has overstepped the mark. I would be furious if someone told my DC before I did.

I think, MiL was quite, quite wrong to tell your son - if she had concerns, she should have fudged it when your son asked, then mentioned it to you so you could have time to deal with it in your own way. It is your job as parent to tell the truth about Father Christmas, not hers (but no need to call her nasty names - she clearly acted with the best of intentions).

Mil would t be visiting this Christmas, if it were me but then I am no wallflower. Horrible.

I never actively told my children that Father Christmas didn't exist. If they asked when they were younger, I would just say - well, if you don't believe, he won't visit (and give a little Mummy wink). And we had so many times when they had absolutely NO IDEA as to how they got the presents they had asked for. So, although they doubted, we never actually said the words - they gradually figured it out for themselves. And now they are 19 and 22, they still insist on stockings (yes, and fairy dust, etc, etc). and really look forward to Christmas (because I still say things like FC coming tonight - clean your rooms)

It worked for us, but of course, I realise that not all children are the same and feelings need to be handled differently.

But still, parents' job, not Grandparents.

It wasn't her place to tell him. I don't think parents should out and out tell them either, they should come to their own natural conclusions when that time comes. They're hardly going to go into adult life still believing so why ruin the magic for them as children by telling them? I don't think it needs to be done, ever.

I believed until I was 12! I still want to believe now tbh . Santa isn't the only thing that makes Christmas a magical and wonderful time but it certainly helps enormously. I'd be gutted if I were your DS and you as well. I think it was pretty damn spiteful of mil.

LOL at santa existing. No man-in-beard is going to take the credit for getting all those presents. I did it. It's me! Thank me!

YABU. He's 9, not 4 and he asked a direct question.

Difficult to see how any 9 year old could really believe.

You seem to be picking a fight about nothing

Is she a Mumsnetter?

Only on MN do I hear about parents worrying about 'lying' when it comes to Santa.

Sorry your MIL is an interfering misery guts

The fact that he asked her suggests that he knew already.
I can't believe posters would call someone answering a 9 year olds question a bitch or a cunt such an OTT aggressive attitude for sonnet going so minor.

This is why many children of that age lie and pretend to believe for their parents sake.

Is it really difficult for you to comprehend that some 9 year olds believe? What's your cut-off age?

worra why was she interfering, the child asked?
Maybe he asked his grandmother because he knew he would get an honest answer.