AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

[rocketjam]

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

He asked a direct question and should be given a direct answer, he's nine for goodness sake and Santa isn't real so he deserves to know the truth imo, if it wasn't MIL that told him them someone at school will. Christmas is still fun and magic without believing Santa is a real person.

Santa still comes to our house (all adults). But if anyone other than me had told my son that Santa doesn't exist.......I would have ripped them a new one!

What a vile post, Boomtown. Your total lack of proportion might be funny if the things you were saying weren't so nasty. How would it help OP's son for his grannie to be excluded / treated with such spite? Since when was Christmas about "making people burn" for failing to respect your "family preferences"? FFS.

Hakylut - we all have stockings even granny and my dad's dog and ds is nearly 14 and climbs into bed with us Xmas morning.

Boom - err yes ok she's not a witch , she's his granny and it IS her place to answer a direct question from a NINE year old.

Thereshegoes- that's really lovely

I find these threads quite odd. Santa is not real, every adult knows he is a total pretense. I am amazed that a nine year old isn't completely aware that he is logically impossible, and if they have questioned and been repeatedly fobbed off then it's that that they are probably upset about.

What was the MIL supposed to say when asked directly? 'Ask your mother'? 'some people think so'? surely both answers would have been fairly huge hints, and if he'd not dropped it then but persisted then you are actively asking someone to lie for you and I think that is very unfair.

But then I didn't grow up with FC/Santa and didn't play the game with my family either and Christmas has always been great regardless. We even have stockings, because I like them (and my dc refuse to stop them)

He's been doubting FC is real for a couple of YEARS. He's 9.

I think most children doubt, wonder, can he be cant he, its normal in the process of things, mine has been asking saying is he real coz x at school said not....

Just because a child asks, doesn't mean we immedialty say NO your right, throw our arms in the air and start going on about being lied too.

I completely agree. My parents always made a huge deal about never telling lies, so I assumed they were also honest with me. When I found out they'd lied to me about Father Christmas I actually felt betrayed

Op I hope your hanging your head in shame.

Can you get a monk to whip you and wear a hair shirt for your pennance.

You lied.

What was the MIL supposed to say when asked directly? ]of course he is.

then tell the mother and see what she wanted to do.

Goodness! If MY GC come up to me and ask me, I would never ever ever be the one to shatter the illusion.

no way, I would get out of it best I could then have a quiet word with my DC to say they seem to want to know or whatever.

I would never take it upon myself to end it. no way.

If you don't tell her it's unacceptable behavior, she will assume it's fine. You told her not to worry, and now the next time she will be more comfortable over stepping boundaries, because she genuinely thinks it's ok

I agree and I wouldnt be surprised if she has said things you dont agree with in the past and you have let them slip.

I would bring this up with her and tell her your really upset.

"Goodness! If MY GC come up to me and ask me, I would never ever ever be the one to shatter the illusion.

no way, I would get out of it best I could then have a quiet word with my DC to say they seem to want to know or whatever.

I would never take it upon myself to end it. no way."

Wow. Yu did read that this child is 9 and has been being fobbed off for 2 years, didn't you? If you have and still think that, you've really drunk the Mumsnet coolade!

I told mine that santa only came to people who believe in him. They kept it up for years. Didn't matter what people told them. They knew and they knew that I knew, and it is a good game

This is pretty much what I did, DayLillie.
There came a time when I knew that they knew and they also knew that I did know that they knew, but never the words were spoken (and the words are still not spoken, even though we all know).
And now they are into early adulthood and bringing home boyfriends and girlfriends, and everyone will still get a filled Stocking of Lovely Goodies, sprinkled with Fairy Dust (obligatory - yes we know that they know, but we still have to have it). And I still nibble the carrot (and drink the whisky - hic milk)

And it makes us all chuckle! It's Magic!!

Before I joined MN I honestly never realised that children over the age of about four believe in Father Christmas. I find the lengths some parents go to completely weird. I can't ever remember actually believing in him and neither can my siblings, it was just something we went along with in a traditional kind of way.

But then that's just me.

I'd have said that if your nine year old asked your MIL a direct question then he had been doubting the existence of Father Christmas himself.

And

There came a time when I knew that they knew and they also knew that I did know that they knew, but never the words were spoken (and the words are still not spoken, even though we all know)

^
This

Hester- me too, I don't know anyone that insists FC is a real person.

Yu did read that this child is 9 and has been being fobbed off for 2 years, didn't you? If you have and still think that, you've really drunk the Mumsnet coolade!

My child is 7 and has said "mummy is he real because a boy at school said x"

I have no intention on this earth of coming clean and she can keep asking until she knows he is not real.

Funny but when I found out he wasnt real, it never ever ever ever ever ever occured to me my parents had been lying.

Its not the first thing that springs to mind.

Dissapointment, relief sometimes, joy sometimes! But to think my parents lied to me is quite a rare reaction I would dearly hope.

Very strange that ops son was told he is not real by the very MIL who was so hot on the fact its lying....

Funny that....he could have had loads of different reactions and all postive but no, its the fact his parents have lied to him..

i dont care how old the child was the mil should have fudsged it then had a quiet word to mum...

i think he needs to be told or - he seems to want to know...and given her a heads up.

I don't know anyone that insists FC is a real person

I don't insist - but many years ago, when mine were very little, I can remember doing a bit of a clean one Christmas Eve, at the same time as thinking "Ooh, we can't have Father Christmas coming into a grubby house".

I did pull myself up short - but it made me chuckle.

And now my children and their partners love coming on Christmas Day, because they say it feels like a special day. That's nice, isn't it?

Some of the responses on this thread are unreal.

The mil is a cunt? Really??

I must live in a parallel universe. He's 9. Words fail me.

If you are not comfortable with your son receiving other people's views and opinions about things OP, then maybe make it clear to him that he's not allowed to ask them about Christmas/religion/sex/ whatever other aspects of life you want to control.

Or you could let him think, and question and make up his own mind and not just out of the pieces you provide

Well I asked my mother because other children had said he wasn't real and she came clean. The fact that she'd previously been lying to me was the first thing I thought. I was outraged because of the huge deal my parents had made about honesty.

My last post was in response to Elf who was casting aspersions re. the grandmother about the lying.

I agree and I wouldnt be surprised if she has said things you dont agree with in the past and you have let them slip.

Fucking hell, you do realize that a MIL doesn't have to agree with her DIL about everything, don't you? She might have different opinions about all sorts of things, & she's allowed to, because she's another adult human being! As long as she's not forever forcing her views on her DIL, her DIL needs to recognize that respect is a two way street.

MIL is also allowed a relationship with her 9 year old GS in which she's allowed to do more in conversation than just ape her DIL's views or mutter that she couldn't possibly comment whenever she's asked a question.

Yes they are un real,

This isn't:

"Oh dear, poor mil, ds put her on the spot, she has rung all flustered and upset, DS asked her outright is FC real.... she didn't know what to say and ended up saying 'your right, he does not exist'"

This is:

" Mil always hated xmas said its lying and has sent home ds knowing he isn't real and upset with us for lying"

struggling to understand why people cannot grasp ^ this difference.