AIBU to be upset at MIL for telling ds this? *title edited by MNHQ elves*

[rocketjam]

DS is 9 and for a couple of years, he's been doubting that Santa exists, but we tell him that some children believe he exists, some children don't, and that's ok. I always make a big deal out of Christmas, and try to create a lovely family celebration as I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child and I want to do the same thing for my children. We are a Christian family and attend Church, Sunday School, etc and it's a very special time of the year.

MIL told me many times in the past that she always told her children - DH and his sister - that Santa doesn't exist as she didn't want to confuse them and didn't want to be accused of lying to them as they got older.

When DS (now 9 YO) asked her if Santa existed, instead of saying what we say - (maybe he doesn't, what do you think?) she actually answered 'No darling, he doesn't exist' and then she told me over the phone that DS was upset because we had lied to him.

IABU to be upset over this? She apologised and sounded very sorry, and I told her not to worry about it because she worries about everything and I don't want to cause any more damage/conflict especially at this time of year. But inside I am fuming.

Mil would t be visiting this Christmas, if it were me but then I am no wallflower. Horrible.

That would be an excellent idea. How would you explain it to a nine year old? At that age they stop believing in Santa but are able to understand all kinds of things - like that granny would still be allowed around at Christmas if she had told lies. It'd be very interesting.

We used to say and still say to ds that "the magic is there for as long as you want it to be" he's 14 now

Your child, your choice.

YANBU to be upset at your MIL. However, you are BU to say to her not to worry. You are enabling her in continuing to undermine you. In future, you might say something along the lines of "There is no point worrying now as the deed is done, but I am upset that you went against our wishes". You need to acknowledge the reality of your own feelings - which are just as valid as your ds.

Buy your ds a DVD/download a copy of The Polar Express and sit and watch it with him. :)

The age of the child doesn't matter, I agree.

What does matter, is that it is perfectly possible to avoid giving a direct answer to that direct question, eg, "You might want to speak to your mum". But the MIL didn't and despite knowing her DIL's wishes on this decided she was going against that.

I do feel it's some form of point scoring from the MIL.

My DS decided, aged 6, that Santa couldn't possibly exist, because there was no possible way he could manage to get round the world in one night.

I agreed he was right, but that other children believed in Santa and it wasn't his place to tell them that Santa didn't exist, that they would find out in their own time. He never did say anything to his friends.

The same goes for MIL. It wasn't her place to tell.

These days, my DCs (aged 14 and 10) like playing the game of seeing if they can catch DP and I in putting their stockings in their rooms. So far, they've been fast asleep by the time DP and I have gone to bed

Look the poor kid's been asking his mum for 2 years and not getting a straight answer. So he asked someone else.

I can't believe some of the responses on here. It's just classic "see the letters MIL and she's a cunt" brigade. Utterly ghastly.

MIL knows she's in the wrong, that's why she apologised. Not Her Place - but agree, at nine, after two years of doubting, it wasn't going to last very long otherwise. I'd be pissed off but not start a feud or anything over it.

Thing is, it's probably better if children have The Conversation with the parents, so you can wriggle out of the 'but you LIED to me' issue. (Not that all children frame it as lying - mine didn't and I don't. I see it more as keeping a myth/legend alive.)

But if MIL told him to speak to his mum, maybe Op would just fob him off/lie again?

Ds3 is 8.5 and still firmly believes although I expect this will be the last Christmas that he does. I would be really annoyed if an adult told him Santa wasn't real. It was not her place to tell him. She should have changed the subject and spoken to you. My other ds's are older teenagers now and don't appear to have been adversely affected by my "lies".

"Not Her Place"

No, of course not. MILs don't have a place- they just have to hover unobtrusively until told by their dil where they can briefly land and what they are allowed to do.

SirChenjin By 9, from observation: (a) most will have picked up doubt or absolute awareness that FC does not exist from the playground; and (b) they are logical and curious enough to have thought it through for themselves.

The years when they really really believe are lovely; but aren't they over by the time the child is about 7? If the child genuinely still does believe at 9 I wouldn't go out of my way to enlighten him but letting them go on for too long runs the risk of making the child look a fool. I think the OP's MiL did her grandson a favour

Totally agree with hakluyt op has been fudging the question for two years. She has had two years to answer honestly.

I'm curious. He has been asking for two years. You aren't planning on telling hi the truth. Your MIL isn't allowed to tell him the truth. Presumably you didn't expect him to believe at 14... Who was going to give him a straight answer? Because the obvious answer is that he was going to have the piss ripped out of him at school until he stopped believing. I would prefer a loving grandparent than a bunch of 10 year olds told mine except I would have told mine by nine.

If he was asking her, it's because he wanted a straight answer that he wasn't getting from you. I remember getting vague answers as a child when I asked, and it was maddening when all I wanted was a "yes" or "no". I figured it out by about that age because I decided to stay up and spy and see for myself. I didn't feel like Christmas was ruined for me, I still enjoyed the gifts and the thought behind them.

As it was, my parents dropped the "Children that don't believe in Santa don't get gifts from him". It was just an unspoken thing that he didn't really exist but we "believe" in him. It makes the holidays fun and my parents still play Santa even though me and DB are adults. Now that I have DD she'll probably have Santa at our house and at my parent's. I was never traumatized or feeling betrayed by them never telling me straight.

In any case, when a child asks a direct question like that, it's because they want confirmation to an answer they already know. That said if DD asked, I'd tell her the truth, but also tell her the origins of St. Nick, and how the spirit of Christmas is a real thing. Then I would still wait until Christmas eve while she was sleeping to put all the presents under the tree, because the anticipation is still fun. :)

Yabvu, she told him the truth. What if he had asked another child in the playground? Just tell him tgat the magic is there for as long as you want it to be. If you want to believe in him it's up to you. Yabvu to be fuming, calm down its nit tge end of tge world. Christmas can still be magic even if he knows the truth.

Most will have some doubt, but there will still be plenty of others (from observation) who still believe.

If there is doubt then it's not up to the GP to unilaterally take it upon themselves to tell the child the truth.

I think that children generally give up believing when they are ready to. If this boy has been expressing doubts for years, he probably is quite prepared to accept that Santa Claus doesn't exist. His grandmother's words may have given him "permission" to accept what he had long suspected.

I'm sure his grandmother didn't intend to do anything to upset him or you. It sounds as though she just answered his question directly, and if he's been asking for years he may have been longing for a direct answer. Having said that, I know that some parents are very protective of this piece of information so in her shoes I would have probably hedged my response somewhat ("What do you think?" or "A lot of people believe"). But perhaps she didn't think through her answer and just responded without much thought. It's absolutely horrible the way some people are referring to her as a bitch or a cunt and suggesting that you refuse to spend Xmas with her. Good Lord. The poor woman.

It does seem that children are encouraged to believe in Santa for much longer these days. I read on another thread about a 12-year-old in Year 8 who still believed in Santa.

Last year dd 8 asked me directly if santa was real - I could tell by her face that she already knew, asked her what she thought and when she said no I confirmed it to her. I made a big thing out of her being "in on the secret now" and not telling her friends...........

When I mentioned it to MIL she was distraught..........she would have tried to keep her believing until she was 18!!!!

I think your ds wanted the truth and wasn't getting it from you so asked mil a direct question and put her on the spot...............ds brought it up and mil was honest with him.

Not her place. End of. He might have known or suspected but for many children it is bonecrushingly disappointing to find out it's all been a con. Even more so when faced with keeping up pretenses for a younger sibling. It was your message to manage, not hers

Is your son still at her house?

OP, when were you planning on telling him the truth?

I agree that grandparents should not interfere in really important things; but this is so trivial! Grandmother tells 9 year old who almost certainly already knows that FC doesn't exist that FC doesn't exist. Is this really something which needs to be within the child's mother's exclusive control?

I'm also wondering when you were planning on telling him?

I agree that she shouldn't have stormed ahead and told him against your wishes but he's 9, he needed to know sooner rather than later. My boss' son apparently believed until he was almost 11 and I find that really odd.

My brother told me when I was 5. I was upset for a couple of hours, but can't say I'm traumatised by the experience.

I think it's dead cute when children believe in Father Christmas, but they have to know eventually. TBH I don't think it's the end of the world for a 9 year old to find out the truth, wherever they heard it from.

YANBU. I can't believe all these replies!!

I totally agree with Hakluyt too. In reality I probably would have fudged it had I been the MIL - well, some people believe in him, some don't, etc. - but it sounds as if DS was pushing for the truth here & had been for some time.

Once children get to this kind of age I do think it's unrealistic to expect to control everything that they're told by other people or to demand that everyone else positively promotes your own world view. And the Father Christmas thing is trivial in the great scheme of things, particularly if you're a Christian, I'd have thought!

I'm also shocked by the ludicrously disproportionate vitriol directed at the MIL on this thread. And OP, why didn't you tell your MIL you were upset, instead of bottling it up, saying it was fine, & then carrying on "fuming"?

You could easily have told her, politely, that you wished she'd just given a non-committal answer & left it to you to tell your son the truth. Swallowing down your anger rather than expressing how you feel assertively clearly isn't working for you if you're left furious enough to start a MN thread about the problem.

The op has kept the lie going because she loves the whole Christmas thing.
The boy had had doubts asking if FC is real obviously doesn't believe his mum so asked granny.

Ffs it's not like mil said to a four year old that DC was a lie. The boy is 9 and is now questioning again.

When my DS whose 8 asks me if FC is real I'm not going to lie.