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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DP has told people that I am pregnant?

192 replies

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 25/11/2014 22:03

I have recently found out that I am pregnant but due to a lot of reasons I am not sure that I am going to continue with the pregnancy. I was debating whether I should tell DP or not as he is not the most understanding of people and I was afraid in case he might try and pressurise me into a decision. In the end though I told him but I also explained that I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue with it and because of this I made it clear that I didn't want anyone else to know. That was on Sunday.

Fast forward ahead to today and I was on my break at work. A friend sent me a text just with the word "congrats!" and when I replied asking her what she meant she sent a text back saying "on your pregnancy of course!".

I did confront DP as soon as he got in and he confessed that it had been him who had told her and that he "might" have told some other people.

He doesn't see what the big deal is and thinks I'm overreacting but I didn't want anyone to know and he knew that. He seems to think that if people know then I will change my mind and I will continue with the pregnancy.

I am just so upset and pissed off and I have had a cry. I just don't know what to do now and feel like I can't trust him with anything. He's done this on purpose, I know he has and has put me in an awkward situation. Now people know that I am pregnant (and this friend probably will have told other people as well) I am not going to be able to terminate as everyone will bloody know about it!

Sorry if I am rambling but I am just so upset right now.

OP posts:
VenusRising · 26/11/2014 23:24

Thereisacarinthekitchen, please look after yourself.

I'm scared for you right now. Can you please call women's aid right now? This physical threatening behaviour is very worrisome. You've done nothing wrong and I feel you are in danger.
I think you need to enlist the help of friends and family irl.

Please phone the police as well and have a chat with the duty officer about how he threatened you this morning. They'll open a file and give you a number to call should he kick off again in any way.

And please come back to us later, someone will be up, and give you support.

(Hugs)

DixieNormas · 26/11/2014 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOFster · 26/11/2014 23:24

You can only make a decision based on what's right for YOU, and other people's pregnancy circumstances aren't affected by that one way or the other.

He sounds like a bit of a bully- whatever you choose to do, you need to focus on whether you want to bring a baby into your relationship with him. THAT'S the important issue, not how other people see their own situations.

I hope you are able to talk it through with somebody at Marie Stopes or Brook so you can do what's best for YOU. Good luck Flowers

VenusRising · 26/11/2014 23:28

I agree BOF, it's just about her and her situation. Life rolls along for others and their fertility issues are not the OPs.

She however is in a potentially dangerous situation, and needs to enlist the help of her male friend up the road, and the police.

I do hope she's ok.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/11/2014 23:35

Dear God OP, pack his bags and change the locks pronto. This man is awful. I wouldn't be able to cope with the idea of having to deal with him (or allow a child to have to deal with him) for the next 18 years either, but obviously that is entirely your call to make.

EustaciaBenson · 26/11/2014 23:36

Op im struggling with infertility and have a 50% chance of miscarriage if I ever manage to get pregnant, but I still believe very strongly in women having the choice available to have a termination. If you want a termination, if thats the best thing for you then go for it, but either way you need to get this man out of your life, because from what hes told you he sounds like hes only going tk get more abusive. Obviously its hard to tell from a few lines on a forum, but he comes across as trying to control and threaten you and I really dont think you should be around him

AlpacaYourThings · 26/11/2014 23:38

OP, just want to echo the other posters. Please do not think that anything you do is disrespectful to anyone who had lost a baby. Your choice doesn't impact them or their ability to have a baby.

I am really concerned about your DP's attitude. Please make sure that you get away from him as soon as possible.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/11/2014 23:56

He's threatening you now. It will only get worse you need to be shot of him

Original poster
ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 27/11/2014 00:20

Well that was easier than I thought. He got in about half an hour ago and I just told him straight to leave and pointed to a few bags I'd packed. He just shrugged and told me it was my loss and if I wanted to be like that then I could. Oh and he also told me to do whatever I fucking wanted Hmm.

He then took the bags and has drove off somewhere. I hope he never comes back.

OP posts:
BOFster · 27/11/2014 00:29

You are well rid, and thank God you are ok. You've got some headspace now to work out what you want.

Teeb · 27/11/2014 01:01

I hope you keep safe op and choose the right thing for you.

Good luck Flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 27/11/2014 02:05

What a vile man :(

Stay safe op. Change your locks tomorrow and keep your phone with you. If you can bolt doors or leave the key in the lock. Better safe than sorry.

I hope you find some peace to make your decision. I'm another woman who's had MCs who has no problem at all with you saying that's what happened if you choose to terminate.

Bulbasaur · 27/11/2014 02:50

Wow. What a shit.

Stay safe. Flowers

If you choose to keep the pregnancy, you don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. If you choose to terminate the pregnancy you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Take the time you need to make the right choice for you and your situation.

FoxgloveFairy · 27/11/2014 03:12

Okay, a declaration of my view. Myself, I would have love to have had kids, and I find it hard to understand having a termination. It's an emotional subject for me. Also brought up Irish Catholic- enough said! I fully understand that a termination is not an easy option for any woman. Really I do. As a nurse, I have looked after many patients having terminations and can honestly see why they have made the choice they have. I have no right to judge, I get that, until I walk in such a woman's shoes. If I were them, I might choose the same. Op, your partner is blackmailing you by doing this. You have to choose what is right for you, and in your situation. It doesn't sound to me, from what you have said, that it's the best of relationships. If it was, he wouldn't have done this. Just remember, it is your choice, ultimately. Flowers

AdamLambsbreath · 27/11/2014 07:49

Well done OP. That took real courage and it was absolutely the right thing to do.

You deserve so much better than that twat. He's an abuser who has no respect for you. Life will only look up now you don't have to deal with his manipulative bullshit.

Don't feel guilty for a second about the fact that other women have MCs or can't have kids. That's nothing to do with your choice, and as I say I speak as someone who's suffered recurrent MC. Other peoples' terminations don't hurt me, it's their choice and their pregnancy.

In the lists of grief, the people who've caused me pain are not those I know who've had to terminate healthy pregnancies, it's those who start trying for a baby and get pregnant instantly, then wander round saying 'When are you going to have kids?' and 'I heard that it takes some people six months to get pregnant!', and post all their scan pics and weekly pregnancy selfies on FB.

Don't put that guilty voice in your head, because out here in the world people aren't judging you Thanks

pluCaChange · 27/11/2014 08:31

What a relief that you're okay snd have pushed him back. Please make a statement to the police, though, and start looking for someone else to tell, besides Mumsnet. We support you, but can't stand in front of you the way a real-life person can. Take support and help from every source. Smile

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2014 08:42

Hopefully he stays away OP and leaves you to make the decision that is best for you and that you decide without pressure, I hope you have some support

RiverTam · 27/11/2014 08:52

OP, well done. I'm so sorry you've have to go through this.

As someone who's had 7 miscarriages, please do not for a minute concern yourself with that. You have your own, very good reasons for what you want to do, and I absolute support any woman who does not wish to proceed.

I think it might be worth notifying the police of his threatening behaviour (blocking you into the corner and making threats), just in case he comes back. Can you get a locksmith round today.

Best of luck OP.

addictedtobass · 27/11/2014 11:41

I hope you are okay OP. That man is fucking vile, you had a very lucky escape there. Do whatever is best for you, look to your friends for support.

scouseontheinside · 27/11/2014 11:48

What a cock.

Get those locks changed and keep safe OP.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 27/11/2014 12:10

Hope you are OK?! Stay strong won't you, he will come grovelling back I expect and heap the pressure on re not terminating.

It's a terrible time for you to have to make this decision. Have you made an appointment to talk it through with anyone (professional) yet? Any people you trust you can talk to. We can be here for you, but it's hard to know whether your fears are well founded or if you just need support and someone to have confidence in you.

Be kind to yourself x

UncleT · 27/11/2014 12:18

What a bastard. That's a terrible abuse of trust.

MrsKCastle · 27/11/2014 12:36

What a complete bastard. OP you have absolutely done the right thing in asking him to leave. I hope you have now changed the locks- he may have gone quietly last night, but do keep yourself safe in case he changes his mind. I would seriously consider talking to the police about his threatening behaviour yesterday, if only to get it on file.

Now that he's gone, spend a few days focusing on yourself. You don't have to make an immediate decision about the pregnancy- talk it over on here, and with someone like Marie Stopes. Remember it's your decision, whatever is right for you.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/11/2014 13:20

Just checking in OP to make sure you are ok today and he did not return last night?

Castlemilk · 27/11/2014 13:33

Well done - but I bet you won't have heard the last of him. Change the locks. And - no matter what you might think now about the pregnancy, think VERY VERY HARD about the fact that if you go ahead, you will be tied to this abusive wanker for life.