To be upset that DP has told people that I am pregnant?

[ThereIsACarInTheKitchen]

I have recently found out that I am pregnant but due to a lot of reasons I am not sure that I am going to continue with the pregnancy. I was debating whether I should tell DP or not as he is not the most understanding of people and I was afraid in case he might try and pressurise me into a decision. In the end though I told him but I also explained that I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue with it and because of this I made it clear that I didn't want anyone else to know. That was on Sunday.

Fast forward ahead to today and I was on my break at work. A friend sent me a text just with the word "congrats!" and when I replied asking her what she meant she sent a text back saying "on your pregnancy of course!".

I did confront DP as soon as he got in and he confessed that it had been him who had told her and that he "might" have told some other people.

He doesn't see what the big deal is and thinks I'm overreacting but I didn't want anyone to know and he knew that. He seems to think that if people know then I will change my mind and I will continue with the pregnancy.

I am just so upset and pissed off and I have had a cry. I just don't know what to do now and feel like I can't trust him with anything. He's done this on purpose, I know he has and has put me in an awkward situation. Now people know that I am pregnant (and this friend probably will have told other people as well) I am not going to be able to terminate as everyone will bloody know about it!

Sorry if I am rambling but I am just so upset right now.

there are worse things that can happen than a planned baby

Your words Aprilanne, hence why I wondered if you were serious.

Please, please do not think that this means you have to continue with the pregnancy, if that's not what you want. He no doubt thinks he has "won" by telling other people, but if he is acting in this way I'm not surprised that you are not wanting to have a child with him. Go and get some professional advice and support, GP, clinic, Marie Stopes etc. get all the information you need to make an informed decision.

if you need to tell friends anything, tell them something along thing the lines of that there are problems, that you are not sure it is viable, that you are waiting for an appt etc. If they push you for more information, tell them firmly you do not want to discuss it any further.

If you do decide to terminate (which you can decide to do even if people know about the pregnancy), then I dont think you should say it was a miscarriage. There are so many women out there that do miscarry and my heart goes out to them. You cannot pretend that you are one of those women because if you choose to terminate, whether it is technically a induced miscarriage or not, the fact is it is your choice. For so many other women it is not and to lie and say it was not your choice for social acceptance is wrong.

However making your decision be wary as I have heard about clinics saying that having an abortion makes you more likely to develop breast cancer which is not true. So be wary. Try and make sure you have actual facts.

Oh give over.

It wasn’t the OP’s choice to tell people, Acquired. Her partner decided to do that, he took that away from her. She now has the ‘choice’ between continuing with a pregnancy she does not want, or having people judge her if she decides to terminate. You’ve pretty much confirmed that this will happen, stating that your heart goes out to women who miscarry like the OP should count her blessings and get on with it. Well, so do I, but my heart also goes out to someone with an unplanned pregnancy and a partner she apparently can’t trust. She deserves empathy too- it’s not going to run out you know, there isn’t a finite supply.

well, I can only speak for myself Acquired, but as someone who has had many many miscarriages, I wouldn't mind (do I even have the right to mind? I think not) if the OP wished to pass off a termination as an MC - she has been put in an awful position by her shit of a partner.

Not sure what your second post is about.

If he wants it and there are no big medical concerns then why not keep it and let him have the baby?

Because she is not an incubator.

OP your partner is a manipulative shit, make the decision that is best for you.

I have said in a previous post that him telling a friend was manipulative and not on. I also said it could be a (unknowing) favour as if it is a good friend of hers then she has some oneto talk to and help her decide. If she wants to terminate then that is her right. I have been in a postition ofwhether or not to terminate a unplanned pregnancy. I know how awful that decision is. But if I do think that if you terminate then you should be honest. CHOOSING not go continue a pregnancy requires different support. Saying there was nothing you could do (after) wont help and might hurt. If she terminates she needs to be told that it was for reasons that she felt were right.

OP don't feel guilted to do anything but what's best for you- not by your partner and not by anyone on here. Whatever you chose, whatever you say about it to anyone, just do what's right for you.

Rver i have heard about some people(places?) That supposedly lie about future consequences of abortion. If she keeps or teeminates then it should be an informed decision not because she was scared of made up consequences. Could be wrong about it though. Just seem to remember hearing about it.

Acquiredtaste I understand what you mean by the support from friends but whatever the OP wants to say is her choice. Your initial post made it all about other women and the implication was on how fair it was on them- not about support.

If OP terminates she doesn't need anyone to tell her she was right, she just has to know it for herself.

If he wants it and there are no big medical concerns then why not keep it and let him have the baby? Do you think the OP should have no say in this decision, Acquired? That's a genuine question.

And your post about your heart going out to women who've had miscarriages is nasty.

I don't disagree, though, that there may well be social pressure on the OP to be vague about why she's not pregnant any more (if she does decide to terminate). I think that's a pity.

OP, everyone's said it all really, bu your DP's behaviour was indefensible. If my DP did that I'd have his guts for garters; but my DP wouldn't do that because a decent person wouldn't.

I'm particularly concerned that he doesn't think it's a big deal. I think you're well within your rights to make sure he bloody well realises that it IS (see 'guts for garters' above).

And it is YOUR decision as to what you do and how or if you tell people about it. If you have a termination and people judge you, well then you'll know who your real friends are.

I wish you luck and strength and some kindness from the people in your life, whatever your decision.

I agree he is behaving like an arse. He obvs wants the baby though... This may be making him behave like an arse. Given that you specifically asked him not to tell anyone though you need to give serious thought to how you feel about your relationship. This isn't something you will forgive easily whether you keep the baby or not.

I also firmly believe you should do what you need to do but agree with acquiredtaste that it doesn't seem right to pretend you have miscarried if you have a termination. You will likely get sympathy from people who may feel the two situations are very different and this doesn't sit very comfortably with me, sorry.

Women suffering severe hyperemesis gravidarum in planned pregnancies can want to terminate because of the unbearable sickness aprillane so please don't presume you know the OP's circumstances.

Wishing you all the best in your tough decision OP Your 'D'P has not made your decision easier but he hasn't made it impossible.

Acquiredtaste, you are referring to prolife clinics masquerading as neutral advice and helping clinics which try to scaremonger to stop women having informed choices. They are very common in the US, rarer in the UK though there have been rumours of some.

A guy doing this would push me into a termination. How could you trust him in the future to raise a child with!

Am I coming across as unsupportive because i dont mean to. Sorry if that is how it sounds. It is your choice, if you want to terminate then do. If you are really not sure then have the baby and give to the father/ your family. But you should not lie about how how you lost the baby as you will need support. People can only give the right support if they know what happened. The right support for you is more important than social acceptance from judgemental people.

I'm sure that women who need support after making the decision to terminate a pregnancy can ASK for it from people they trust: they are in no way obligated to invite the inevitable judgement of random strangers, nor do they have to adhere to strangers' sensitivities around semantics when deciding how to account for their situation.

I do not see how saying my heart goes out to women that have miscatried is nasty. Although i was going to continue by saying the support they (i think) recieves will not be the support you need. However on small phone screen so id difficult to keep track what i am writing.

And I think that in some cases (rape or major health issues) the choice is entirely the womens. However if there are no health issues and it would not affect too badly (i.e. lose job), also the father pays hospital bills then he should be consultrd. And when he pulls stunts like manipulation say you need to say why should i respect your opinion when you wont respect mine?

I apologise for my posts getting illegible I am rushing now.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, or what anybody else thinks, about the 'father' being 'consulted'. Or what your heart does thinking about other women's miscarriages. Not relevant to the OP in any way.

OP I was in a similar situation a couple of years (though minus the manipulation) and unfortunately had to tell 3 people that shouldn't have known at all, that I'd miscarried. Though I didn't even have to use that word. It's not even an issue now and absolutely has never come up again.

In all cases the choice is entirely the woman's, if she does not want to have a baby she does not have to, she can end the pregnancy through an entirely legal medical procedure.

Assuming the poster is in the UK and has NHS treatment, I don't see where hospital bills come into it. I doubt that he will give up his job to care for the baby full time, he is trying to manipulate the OP into having baby as a means to control her, not because he cares about the baby. If he cared about the baby, he would not be spreading the news of the pregnancy against the OPs wishes and being vague and manipulative when she questions him about it. It is clearly disrespecting her and manipulating her, he is being abusive.

OP, he is a shit, I am sorry. Get shot of him and get some impartial advice from a pregnancy service (BPAS and Marie Stopes advise and coach people on ALL options) to help you to come to the right decision for you. No one else's opinion matters, not your partner's, not people who will comment on your pregnancy...do what is best for you.

What he's done is COMPLETELY unacceptable. It shows no respect, care or even thought for you.

In terms of what you tell people if you choose not to have the baby, that will depend who knows.

If the friends are close to you, you may want to be clear and say you had a termination and that your partner told everyone without your permission. If they're good friends then they'll support you and they'll doubtless be outraged at his behaviour.

If they're not close friends, all you need to do is say 'I'm not pregnant any more'. IME people (even people close to you) rarely ask for details about that kind of thing. They will probably assume you lost the pregnancy naturally and never mention it again. I lost a few, and this is what I found.

Do you know who knows? I would do an immediate damage control exercise: 1. Tell dickfeatures that he is NOT to tell ANYONE ELSE, UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES; 2. Find out who he's told 3. Speak to them and ask them not to tell anyone else (as you've already done with your friend). You don't need to give details at this stage, just a quick 'I hear X has told you about our news. I wasn't intending to tell anyone at this stage so need to ask you please not to tell anyone else. Thanks.' That way you can do your best to stop it before it gets out into your social group or onto FB.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm so tired of reading on here of women treated like shit by their partners. Everyone deserves so, so much better