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Original poster

To be upset that DP has told people that I am pregnant?

192 replies

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 25/11/2014 22:03

I have recently found out that I am pregnant but due to a lot of reasons I am not sure that I am going to continue with the pregnancy. I was debating whether I should tell DP or not as he is not the most understanding of people and I was afraid in case he might try and pressurise me into a decision. In the end though I told him but I also explained that I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue with it and because of this I made it clear that I didn't want anyone else to know. That was on Sunday.

Fast forward ahead to today and I was on my break at work. A friend sent me a text just with the word "congrats!" and when I replied asking her what she meant she sent a text back saying "on your pregnancy of course!".

I did confront DP as soon as he got in and he confessed that it had been him who had told her and that he "might" have told some other people.

He doesn't see what the big deal is and thinks I'm overreacting but I didn't want anyone to know and he knew that. He seems to think that if people know then I will change my mind and I will continue with the pregnancy.

I am just so upset and pissed off and I have had a cry. I just don't know what to do now and feel like I can't trust him with anything. He's done this on purpose, I know he has and has put me in an awkward situation. Now people know that I am pregnant (and this friend probably will have told other people as well) I am not going to be able to terminate as everyone will bloody know about it!

Sorry if I am rambling but I am just so upset right now.

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 26/11/2014 15:10

Yes, while father's should be included in the talk about terminating a pregnancy or not, what he did was way out of line.

He could have gone about it like an adult and had a mature conversation with her, instead of including more people in on a private matter.

Now the problem is, if you keep the baby he'll think he's "won". If you don't, you have to tell people you had a MC. This is just all around a shitty situation.

Don't let him influence your decision either way.

And... Flowers for you.

OnlyLovers · 26/11/2014 15:13

Acquired, I think your post was nasty because you say 'my heart goes out to them. You cannot pretend that you are one of those women because if you choose to terminate ... the fact is it is your choice.'

The implication is that your heart doesn't go out to women who make the serious and difficult decision to terminate.

As for the father being consulted, that's a laugh. It's not really relevant here, even; the OP expressly asked him not to tell people and he did. That's utterly disrespectful. If someone did that to me I'd consider their opinion on the matter utterly irrelevant and not worthy of taking into consideration.

pluCaChange · 26/11/2014 15:14

No matter what you do, terminate the relationship with him. You don't seem to trust him at all (and probably with many additional reasons you haven't listed here). Even in the best possible light, he is indiscreet and doesn't take your feelings seriously (or denies responsibility by pretending that you are "over-reacting").

As for your pregnancy (which is a different decision), it's very sad you are feeling the pressure from all sides, when this should not be a pressured decision. Sad

AnyFucker · 26/11/2014 15:15

AT, I have had two miscarriages and years of infertility treatment

I would have no problem if op said she had a miscarriage if she terminates

She can tell the truth to the people that matter, if she wants to

That, plus the oh so subtle scaremongering about risks of breast cancer come across as nasty emotional blackmail on a par with what her partner has done

BOFster · 26/11/2014 15:17

There's no 'rule' about consulting fathers- you just do what you seem appropriate to your own situation. Women are still (thankfully) in charge of what happens to their own bodies in this country and can make decisions about that without reference to anybody else.

Still, this is getting off-topic now.

It just shows though, doesn't it? The world and his wife has all sorts of opinions when it comes to how pregnant women behave- which is precisely why this man should have had the decency to keep his mouth shut.

AdamLambsbreath · 26/11/2014 15:25

And speaking as someone who has had 4 miscarriages and seen a friend go through a termination (under similar circs to the OPs: the father was an utter dickwad who made the situation so impossible that termination was the only option), I personally could not give a fig if another woman wants to pass off her termination as an MC.

I don't aim this at any PP here [because this specific point hasn't actually come up yet], but I want to disown the common idea that having a termination is somehow disrespect of women who've had MCs, or that women who've suffered MCs will necessarily be disturbed by others terminating healthy pregnancies. We don't all feel that. There's enough pressure on women in these situations as it is.

Yes, the support you need is different, but you can tell different people different things. Tell the people you trust what really happened, and let the rest think it's an MC if that's what you want. There will likely only be a very few people who will be able and willing to support you through either kind of loss, to be honest, and they'll be the ones closest to you. Most people just freeze, go 'erk. Oh. Sorry' and think 'aargh, no idea what to say! I won't say anything in case I get it wrong'. Allowing more peripheral friends to think you had an MC isn't going to mean you get the wrong kind of support from them, it's going to mean that you get just the same kind of awkward Not Mentioning It that you'd get if you told them you'd terminated.

BOFster · 26/11/2014 15:29

Yes, that's very true, Adam.

ChatEnOeuf · 26/11/2014 15:43

Fucking hell. He might have told some people?? Is he really that much of a disrespectful imbecile as to NOT KNOW how many times he has broken your trust and confidence.

Leave him now, then decide what you want to do about your pregnancy.

Those who already know can hopefully be calmed and quietened by the 'it's not all going straightforwardly, I don't know what's going to happen yet. I'm upset and don't want to talk about it thank you' line, and explaining you don't want anyone else to know until YOU are ready to announce YOUR news.

AcquiredTaste · 26/11/2014 15:51

Only lovers my heart does go out to those that terminate partly because i know how agonising the decision is. I have had to consider whether or not to terminate a un planned pregnancy. I did not mean to imply my heary goes put to yhem it does. I have consistently said it is her choice.

Also in regards to subtle scare-mongering (breast cancer) if you read it you would see I am not trying to scare her, I am trying to warn her not to be scared if the clinic she goes to tells her that. I did state it is not true and I was in my own way trying to support her. I am sorry if I am not being as clear as I intended but I do support her decision to choose BUT choosing means looking at all options before dinally deciding. Yes he was a dick I said it was not on. She needs to do what is right doe herand she needs the support that is right dor her.

AcquiredTaste · 26/11/2014 15:52

She doesn't have to tell everyone the truth but those close to her should know so that they can suppoert her.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/11/2014 16:15

Another person joining the chorus of LTB regardless of whether you decide to continue with the pregnancy. What an utterly controlling and manipulative thing to do. It would quietly terrify me to have a child with him to be perfectly honest.

Isawmommykissingsantaclaus14 · 26/11/2014 16:16

Hi OP. Apologies if this has already been suggested but there is a thread regarding pregnancy choices on MN. I know you are getting fantastic support on this thread but it might also be worth posting on the other thread as well.

Original poster
ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 26/11/2014 23:02

Well I think I am feeling a bit better now. I am still upset though that he did this.

This morning I asked him what he had meant when he had said he might have told other people and also told him to tell me exactly who he had told. But he refused to tell me and he just kept saying that hopefully this would make me stop being so selfish and make me seriously re-consider what I'm going to do next.

I didn't really have time to talk much this morning as I had to go to work but he did block me into a corner before I left and told me that I had better be going to work and nowhere else and told me that I better not be going to any clinics or doctors or anything because he would find out if I had.

I'm thinking of just packing up all his stuff together and telling him to leave when he gets in later (he's doing late shift).

OP posts:
Original poster
ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 26/11/2014 23:08

if only there were ways to avoid having babies with men who are awful...

Um what exactly is that supposed to mean? Confused If you mean I shouldn't have got in a relationship with him in the first place then no I shouldn't but seemed completely different when we first got together and before then. It wasn't until things were getting serious and he had moved in with me that he really started to show his not so nice and not so understanding side (and that's all I really see these days...)

Or do you mean I should have been more careful with contraception? I was on the pill and always took it on time and never missed one. I don't know what more I could have done there.

OP posts:
twinjocks · 26/11/2014 23:11

OP, I was coming on to post about his earlier "might have" excuses, but now I've just seen your update and now I'm worried about you. Bad enough already, but blocking you into a corner? He is awful. Are you safe and have you someone who could support you to get him to leave?

P.S. "Might have" - for goodness sake - I work in a primary school and "I might have done it" is the classic primary school child's excuse when they have absolutely done something but they don't want to admit it. They have usually grown out of that kind of admission avoidance by the time they're about 11 years old.

Original poster
ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 26/11/2014 23:12

Also re: the miscarriage thing I also feel really awful about that Sad. How can I do this when so many women are desperate for children but can't have any or have had several miscarriages? And I want to terminate because I'm not strong enough to cope Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThereIsACarInTheKitchen · 26/11/2014 23:14

twinjocks I have a male friend who lives two doors down who would be willing to help I think. I guess that counts as support?

OP posts:
BuckskinnedAstronaut · 26/11/2014 23:16

You should ditch the partner, whatever you do about the pregnancy. He's an arse.

JustForThisFred · 26/11/2014 23:17

I hope you are finishing with him, it was bad enough before, but what he did this morning, that's scary. You deserve better.

grocklebox · 26/11/2014 23:17

Don't worry about that. I'be had multiple miscarriages, and what you or anyone chooses to neither affects that reality or would affect my sympathy for you and your position.

He sounds controlling and in your position I would be ending the relationship and terminating the pregnancy. Best of luck whatever you decide.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 26/11/2014 23:21

Whether you terminate this pregnancy or not, women will still have miscarriages, women who want babies still wont be able to have them. It doesn't change anything for anyone else - unless you could carry this baby and put it up for adoption, even then, the way things are here the baby could be 2 before it gets a permanent home. You can't give someone else your pregnancy (unfortunately) so you can (and have to) only think about your own situation.

You have to do what's best for YOU, not other women, not for him, not for 'what people will say/think'. NO ONE else has to live with this decision, only you.

It's hard, it's shit. It's lonely and unfair :(

twinjocks · 26/11/2014 23:22

OP, I'm glad there's someone close by. And as grocklebox says, don't worry about other women and their situations, this is about you, your situation and your choice only. Mind yourself.

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2014 23:22

How can I do this when so many women are desperate for children but can't have any or have had several miscarriages?

That's very sad for them but not relevant to your situation. Your relationship seems to be heading towards abusive (and I don't say that lightly).

You have to make the best decision for you now.

And I'd be having a chat to your friend to have him on standby.

BuckskinnedAstronaut · 26/11/2014 23:22

The really bizarre thing is that almost everything he's done has made you more likely, rather than less, to terminate the pregnancy. If you were considering termination when you would have been raising any eventual baby within a traditional nuclear family environment, you're going to be considering it even more strongly when you're otherwise contemplating single parenthood and being tied forever to a complete arse.

AcquiredTaste · 26/11/2014 23:24

You shouldn't feel bad. You should make the decision right for you. If you think terminationnis right then do it then that is right for you. Your situation is unique to you. If you feel it is not right but tjat you are not in a right place for a child then look at giving the baby to family or up for adoption. But fgs stay away from tjat dick. Bad enough with the manipulation ( iI was hoping he was just hurt that you maybe didnt tell him immediately - some men have no patience.) Backing you in a corner? Tell the police. Tell them thatyou are pregnant and dont know if you want to continue it and ask them to log that he has been aggressive. Get it noted and get a case number foe if he gets worse.