To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

OP, I take it by "militant vegetarians" you mean people who are, actually vegetarians, rather than people like you, who claim to be but aren't.

Why not just call yourself a pescetarian if you are so keen to give yourself a label?

Bahahaha, good idea!

Just been thinking actually - I really think she may have done it deliberately. I am pretty sure she was really annoyed with me a couple of days before Christmas (she wanted me to do something which I actually physically couldn't do, having given birth a couple of weeks before and breastfeeding). She didn't say anything (as I mentioned previously, no one in that family ever does) but I guess not giving me any food at Christmas could have been her way at getting her own back! If so, how mean :-(.

Gah, yes, OK! Pescatarian! Please no more fish comments :-(.

No mention so far as to the the relationship between OP & MIL, (other than culinary !) I was wondering if she was OK otherwise.....?
So if she basically meant to do the "pea only" trick, There really is not much point in discussing further, either you take a pop at her, or bring your own rations or walk away.
& your OH should stand up to her, I mean, would she offer him a plate of peas, if he became vegetarian too ?

No mention? Try reading the thread, there has been lots of mention!

I think she does sound very mean. And inhospitable. And ill mannered. And cruel to a woman who's just given birth. Personally, I would fight fire with fire, but you don't sound like that kind of person. If so, just be really sickly sweet to her at EVERY opportunity, but be prepared for the barbs and take a packed lunch!

Taking mix56 's idea a bit further, could your dh tell her that he is also now vegetarian? I'd bet it would be an interesting reaction!

yes i too have to say Im really not a "militant vegetarian" just a normal one :)

Sure, sorry rastamam, was tongue in cheek - no offence intended!

HedgePony - I think I understand where you're coming from. I am also a former vegetarian turned pescatarian with a mother in law who doesn't really cater for me (Christmas or otherwise). My ILs are also all public school educated and very polite to each other but never tell each other what they really think so a lot of passive agressive stuff goes on (I think it comes from spending so much of the teenage years apart). And I also come from a family where it would have been the height of rudeness to not cater for a vegetarian (or other dietary requirements) so I was hurt by it. I also wasn't sure how to deal with it on a practical level as I felt it was rude to bring your own meal along so I did agonise over how to deal with the situation whenever I visited.

My approach was that there could be many potential reasons why MIL didn't cater for me - maybe she disapproves, maybe she thinks it's too tricky, maybe she can't be arsed, maybe she just forgets - only she knows and in the end I reckoned there was no point worrying about the reason - I couldn't change what she does (without discussing it with her and the family dynamic was such that I didn't want to do that) - so I chose to change how I reacted to it. I just assumed the reason was benign and did the obvious practical thing to deal with it by simply announcing what I was doing to cater for myself to check that was fine with her and then went ahead and did it (if she had refused it would have opened up a discussion as to how she was going to cater for me). And that's what I do all the time now (in fact I often do the catering when I'm there now). Yes it felt very rude to do that to my host, and I was uncomfortable with it at first but it has worked out fine (in my head anyway :-))

Op, you need to change this situation now. What will happen in a few years when your dd asks 'why doesn't gm give mummy any food at Xmas?'

I don't think think the fish eating is relevant....I was vegetarian for about six years and people always assumed I ate fish.

I hope things work out for you, but you do need to talk to your dh. It is shocking that he puts up with this.

Alligator the fish-eating is relevant on this thread because the OP opened by saying she's vegetarian. Many posters then made suggestions of what the OP could bring with her, when actually it turns out she eats fish, so she could have just brought a lump of salmon or something that could have gone in the oven with no offence caused to anyone.

Whether people assumed you ate fish as a vegetarian is, however, irrelevant because they were wrong and vegetarians do not eat any animals, not just the feathered and furry kind.

I just put this scenario to my OH, his XW is veggie so I asked what he would have done in this situation. He said he wouldn't have been happy and would have said something. He is an RAF child who's been taught to not have feelings, not complain, not speak up (it's quite sad really because you can see it's at conflict with his personality) so if he's saying he would speak up I would expect a man who didn't to be a very weak person.

I don't think think the fish eating is relevant....I was vegetarian for about six years and people always assumed I ate fish

You can thank the OP for that, its the people that call themselves vegetarian and then order the salmon that confuse others. If the "vegetarians" they know eat fish, its not much of a leap to think you will too.

No evidence from the OP to suggest the lack of food from MIL is due to confusion about what she eats.

In the OP's place, I would take something to eat, and communicate intentions beforehand - whether by phone, text, whatever. It can easily be dressed up as saving the MIL time and effort. I wouldn't worry about being seen as rude - the priority is to have something to eat and there's every chance there won't be anything if the OP isn't proactive.

Whatever you decide to do Hedgepony please update us all at Christmas.

I'll be thinking of you whilst I'm eating my vegetarian dinner surrounded by my carnivore family !

sorry Grockle, there are 21 pages & I skim over it... I was just trying to establish if MIL, in a nutshell, doesn't like OP.
Harridan etc, doesn't answer that for me

What I'd like to know is why 18 people persist in returning year after year for such a rubbish Christmas dinner.

Peas and carrots as the only vegetables on offer?

I agree sprink - I would have got the message years ago! If someone signals that they have such scant regard for me that they will embarrass themselves by serving me about 50 calories on a plate, that's the time to accept "they aren't that into me as a guest".

Only on MN, I guess ....

To be fair, I assume the others all go because it's their family, which appears to be a close one, and the food is not the important thing.

I have a relative who is NOT an enthusiastic cook, and produces serviceable to not very nice food. She would be daunted by the idea of introducing a vegetarian option, but do it without blinking because she is a good host. But I would happily spend Christmas Day with her because I love her, never mind the food.

So it's no mystery to me why the others are there.

"I wouldn't worry about being seen as rude - the priority is to have something to eat and there's every chance there won't be anything if the OP isn't proactive."

This ^^ many times over.

But if I were a vegetarian, but eats beef, would you expect me to eat goose? Or goose fat potatoes?

Guardian online today, Christmas vegetarian food special.

Thanks LineRunner, ill have a look at that.

TooSpotty, I was joking somewhat. Of course they go because they are family, and perhaps no one else has the space for 20 so none have offered to host themselves.

With better food.

But how could you be a vegetarian if you ate beef? You'd just be a fussy meat eater.