To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

Of course he deserves a flaming, he's a spineless shite who let his wife eat peas for dinner 2 years in a row and said nothing it all. The only one more spineless is the OP who never said a word to anyone about it.

And she isn;t a vegetarian, so I don't know why anyone is still banging on about that.

Hedgepony, yes inspite of being a feminist, there is also the self preservation in me that says, If her own son could talk to her she would probably accept it better, & make it easier on everyone.
It's unlikely she is scatty enough to provide only peas for dil unintentionally. More like, if she wants to be different difficult its her problem.
I would have asked her if she hadn't remembered I was a veggie, or simply refused to go back the next time.
But in the name of diplomacy & festive season I suggested the OH asking as compromise ! HoHoHo

oops that she hv been labelled to " farewell"

I don't think it has anything to do with feminism. I think of it more as each member of the partnership taking responsibility for telling their own parents when they're being out of order. My MIL is lovely, so DH never has to do this; my mother, on the other hand, is a pain in the arse...

On the other hand, the OP has never actually had a conversation with her DH about only getting peas for dinner, so it's a bit unfair to expect him to be a mindreader.

I cook a big Christmas dinner in a small kitchen and cannot deny that I would groan inwardly if I had to make a veggie option/forgo goosefat roasties on Christmas day....But I'd jolly well do it if a vegetarian had been invited, and they'd have just as nice a meal as anyone else.
But then, I wouldn't be serving frozen peas and carrots for Christmas dinner either.
OP, whether it is deliberate or just dippy, she isn't hosting you well. Because you maintain a formal relationship with her you don't have a non-confrontational way to raise this really, so you need to deformalise the conversation; give her a friendly ring and without mentioning the disaster she's made of dinner for last 2 years ask her if there's anything you can bring. She's not a great cook obviously and may well appreciate the offer. You can arrive smiling with a big cauliflower cheese for sharing as long as you get first dibs, and then a veggie alternative main: something for you and something for the multitude.

Vegetarianism is a choice.

As is meat eating. As is all food that goes in our plates/ovens/kitchens. Unless of course someone waves a magic wand and the food just appears - or you are foraging for food or have it donated to you - of course it is a choice.

Asking someone over for dinner is a choice too. Either do it and feed them or don't do it at all.

If you invite someone to eat at your home then you take on that responsibility of cooking suitable good. Or you pre warn them to bring something along.

That's just good manners, if you font want to do that don't invite them.

Don't*

I suppose it depends on whether they have specifically been invited though. My brother just assumes he and SIL (who is vegetarian) are welcome at my parents for Christmas because he always had lunch with them when he was single (until his 40s). I don't think my mother would feel comfortable telling him that he can't come now that he is married to someone who is vegetarian.

But would your mother not want to invite her own daughter-in-law on Christmas Day because she's a vegetarian???

As I said, she doesn't invite her.

She doesn't invite her - because she is family, not a guest?

Asking someone over for dinner is a choice too

Fuck me you are good. I never knew. I feel enlightened.

I am wondering if the MIL is getting 'Matriarch Disease', in that she may like the concept of having a large family over (and all the matriarchal glory and power that goes with it) for a Christmas Dinner, but in reality is fed up of dealing with everybody's likes/dislikes (and deals with it by shoving the same old stuff on the table and that is it).

My mother used to get like this and withold the alcohol/treats without warning.

Only really solved by a. Everyone mucking in and making something they like, or b. Everyone doing their own thing and inviting each other over.

It is difficult with a matriarch who thinks that the way she does everything is the right way, thus discouraging helpful additions.

I'm intrigued, what boarding school did your DH go to that taught such bad manners ?

You describe them as " posh " but I think you are mistaken. " Posh" people usually have impeccable manners and are excellent hosts. Serving a plate of peas to a guest on Christmas day (family or not ) is shockingly rude.

They sound rather vulgar to me

Ooh DayLillie I think you are onto something there.

And also whatever5 yes, I was thinking that today actually. Not sure if MiL has ever actually "invited me" or if DH just sort of announces that we're going. It's always a big Christmas there though and I am sure MiL would hate it if DH and DD weren't there... but still, you could be onto something. I think I'll definitely insist on me and DH having every alternate Christmas at home from now on.

quietbatperson Ha, I was going to use the old red herring gag myself, you beat me to it, damn it! Love the sound of the goat cheese parcel thing, that sounds perfect.

I get what the militant veggies are saying - they are probably quite right that it's a bit inconsistent to think it's wrong to eat meat but then eat fish, but I guess everyone makes their own decision about where to draw the line - some people are vegan, some veggie, some pescatarian, some eat meat but not fois gras or veal or whatever... for me, I am happy to eat fish occasionally but I won't touch meat (or anything covered in meat fat) and I feel pretty strongly about that (and MiL is fully aware of my position). I think for the purposes of this thread, that is the main point!

As I've already said upthread, really? Posh = well-mannered? Not by any means invariably, in my experience. There are rude, self-centred people in every stratum of society.

KristinaM - I can't say in case it outs me! But I think it's got to be remembered that calling someone out on being a bad host could be bad manners too (to the extent the host is not deliberately being nasty, just lazy or forgetful or whatever).

For DH, if he was given a pile of cat sick on a plate, I think he would say, "thank you, that's my favourite, thank you very much"! Because he wouldn't want to cause a scene or make the host feel bad.

I hope the plan works.

I enjoyed having a veggie for Christmas lunch...most things were easily adapted. And I found a fab recipe for veggie stuffing that I cooked separately from the bird and the sausage and chestnut stuffing. Yo be honest, I am not veggie, but don't like turkey....for me it's all about the extras!

Last week I had Pret a Mangers Veggie Christmas lunch sandwich. It was delicious. If all else fails, take one of those!

Your DH needs to grow a pair. And you need to talk to him, mumbling about getting toast last year was pathetic. He should have offered to get you something when he saw your plate.

Your in laws don't sound posh, they sound staggeringly ill-mannered.

Your MIL didn't forget you. Can you imagine if you did that to someone? The next time that person came round you'd probably go WAY overboard to be hospitable, as you'd be so embarrassed about forgetting the first time. Your MIL didn't do that. Because she meant to do it.

I have done Christmas dinner for my vegetarian BIL. I cannot stand him, but I made sure he had plenty to eat (I even made the twat a special veggie roulade thing, which he shovelled in). Your MIL doesn't like you. If you must go this year, don't say a word to her. She will turn it back on you. Just be as passive aggressive as her and slip a veggie tart or something in your handbag, which is to be produced with a flourish when she 'forgets' again.

I have no idea how you can have any respect for anyone as spineless as your husband. You are his family and he should be sticking up for you.

Incidentally, did MIL get you a present?

Hmm, she did but it was pretty rubbish tbh. And I'm certain this year's birthday present was a re-gift...

I'm sure she'd LOVE to sponsor a goat for Christmas this year!