To wonder why how you feed your baby is such an emotive subject?

[Absofrigginlootly]

Currently 3&1/2 weeks into BF my pfb/DD

Have had no end of feeding issues due to tongue tie, poor latch, constant cluster feeding, fractious baby and no sleep (alongside fertility issues, anxious pregnancy and very traumatic delivery)....

At my best moments I am feeling proud of the fact I've kept going so far. DD is putting on weight beautifully and following her centile line exactly. Lots of the daytime she seems happy and content.

At my worst (desperate!) moments (usually 3am when DD has been cluster feeding for hours and is being very fractious and i feel completely EXHAUSTED!) I think about all the advantages of FF (namely being able to share the feeds and have some physical/mental space from her for a while)......

But what stops me?! .....Guilt? Obligation? Self pressure? Desire to do what's deemed "right" or "best" for her?! Reading some of the feeding pages where people talk about expressing off pure blood etc (!) but still keeping going BF part of me reads it and thinks "gosh, why put yourself through it?!" ....but then I'm doing the same! Why.....? I don't know really if I'm honest.

What are your thoughts? Why do women persist despite the difficulties? Societal pressure? Guilt/obligation? And if you decided to FF, how did that make you feel? We're you fine with your decision?

Ps....please don't let this turn into a "breast is best"/ BF vs FF bunfight.....I am just genuinely interested to hear your thoughts, mainly as it may help me understand my own feelings that aim currently struggling with

Thanks :)

Droflove a month to hit birthright is NOTHING. There are quite a number of babies like mine who fall from the 91st centile off the charts and need to be readmitted due to dehydration. Without intervening with dehydration there are significant risks, and even if a baby wouldn't usually die in our society, it's really not optimal for infant development physically or psychologically to be malnourished. The midwives aren't 'going mad' about infant weight loss for no reason. Ultimately, if you switch to formula in the see circumstances that's perfectly reasonable and understandable to my mind, though I didn't choose that course myself. It's immensely stressful and not everyone has the circumstances and necessary supports to make breastfeeding work in these situations.

I had always planned to try breastfeeding, but the plan was to give it a few weeks and then stop if it was a struggle. I'd had a really tough pregnancy (hyperemesis) and I just did not have the energy for any more fighting.

But once DD was born I was surprised at how strongly I felt about it. She fed constantly through the first two nights, and at about 4am on the second, when I was so shattered I was actually hallucinating, a midwife said "this is the point where a lot of women decide to give up" and I just thought "NO!"

I think because bf was going well in most ways - a bit sore, a bit fiddly to get her to latch, but no major issues - and after a horrible pregnancy and an EMCS, I fixed on bf as the one part my body could actually do right. I hadn't been able to have the healthy-eating, exercising, drug-free pregnancy I'd have liked, I hadn't had the birth I wanted and I felt like I'd seriously endangered her during it (although I hadn't), but at least this I could do for her. It became hugely important to me to keep going - my own pressure, not anyone else's.

She's 8mo now and bf is a doddle. The first six weeks or so were exhausting (not helped by crap HV/midwife/well-meaning relative advice) but it did get easier.

Have come to the conclusion that women are public property-sometimes even infantilised. Their bodies, which (female) celeb has put on/lost weight, their sex lives, were they "asking for it"?

It's emotive because every fucker has an opinion. Even men and people who've never been pregnant!

I hope to BF. I'm lucky cos my mum BF-d; she and ex-BF friends can support me. I feel I need moral support behind me so I can stand up for BF. I find it depressing that I am already having to fight other people's efforts to undermine my determination to BF and their negativity about it.

Only managed 3 days BF'ing then moved to expressing. I had various issues and a terribly scarring experience with the MW and breast feeding consultant (they were both in my home at the same time, sat on either side of me, giving conflicting advice and basically arguing whilst pawing at my painful breasts which they'd flopped out - it was horrible)

To be honest expressing was hideous - all the negatives of FF'ing and none of the benefits of BF'ing (other than of course baby was getting my milk)

I managed 2 months of exclusively expressing, but it was a soul destroying time. DS would sleep for 3-4h at a time towards the end and I'd be setting alarms to get up and pump.

Made the move to formula over a few days and quite frankly never looked back.

I am 31w with number 2 and I will try to BF again - it is the easier option - but I won't beat myself up!

I read Libby Purves' book "how not to be the perfect mother" while pregnant and I was so glad I did because she states that bf is painful at first and isn't straight forward and involves a big learning curve.
Because I had read this I persevered for the first 2 weeks, got through the next 4 weeks then it was fine for the next 2 years. I did try to use ff but after 3 months DD wouldn't take it. I found bf easier simply because there was no sterilising or bottles to cart round. However, having to go to bed with a towel stuffed down my bra due to leakage wasn't any fun at all!

Each to their own I think. I wouldn't judge anyone except to say that those women who say they "don't want to be like a cow" are silly, because, like cows, we are mammals and we produce milk to feed our young, so you are like a cow in that respect!

I had an extremely traumatic delivery and was left unable to hold my baby properly, we were both exhausted and she refused to latch on and just kept falling asleep so we used one of the ready made bottles we had with us and my OH fed her. The next day we tried again and she still wouldn't latch and I still couldn't hold her properly so we just continued with bottles. I was in hospital for 4 days and my milk didn't come in for nearly a week. I wanted to bf but circumstances dictated otherwise. Do I feel like a failure because I couldn't?only because a "friend" messaged me on fb asking me to join her bf club, and that I shouldn't bottle feed, I didn't read the full message as I was too upset. Do I feel less bonded with my baby?no. Do I feel that my OH has been able to form a strong bond with her because he was responsible for feeding her those first few days?yes.

I love my child, she is only a few weeks old but I'm pretty sure she loves me regardless of her feed coming out of a blue box. Things could have been a hell of a lot different.

Feed how you want.
Judge if you want, as women we are constantly judged for everything, why we feel the need to judge other moms because they do something different is beyond me!

I think in end bf seemed best for my particular family with our predisposition to allergies - and I was dammed if I was not going to give my DC that perceived advantage despite problems because of criticism and lack of support and having provided it to one DC felt I had too do the same for the others.

Picking up on the point about women's behaviour and choices being judged when they have a child because they are seen as an adjunct of the child, I do think society judges the way that anyone looking after a vulnerable person treats that person. Whether that be a father out with their baby or a carer out with a person with severe disabilities or an elderly person. I've noticed people are ready to judge the way childminders treat their charges even more harshly than they do parents. I suppose it's because people know that vulnerable people/babies are utterly at the mercy of the person looking after them, so they aren't going to not care how the person treats them.

I think it was emotive - as MIL/Mother ff - and didn't like I was doing something different even though it was no criticism of them - and ff feeding family member with same aged DC had been criticised by HCP for that choice and was defensive - though we never said anything and she had a few digs at us.

Wider world - some people were uncomfortable with me bf at todler groups and things even through there wasn't much to see - sometime they couldn't understand the feeding on demand - why didn't see feed them before coming out which I often had. Friend who switched to ff due to need to make medication said she had same with bottles in area had first - it wasn't the norm as she felt judges and people do make comments where previously bf she'd had none.

Area with younger DC aren't used to bf women - and some people got offended by it. One old man in hospital was moved away by his wife - he couldn't stop his negative remarks - we were waiting 2 hours past appointment time it was that or screaming baby.

Plus feeding first thing mothers do - wait a while and you'll find there lots for thing people get judge about with small DC - I think there does seem to be a theme of if you do what we did then it validates our choice - rather than a theme of all DC and families are different.

I think it entirely depends what experience you're exposed to. Of course I knew that breast is best (the NHS is somewhat persistent about that!), but I also knew that it wasn't for everyone and that as long as baby is getting fed it is not a cause for concern.
However, had the wonderful midwife, who I'd never met before, who came in the day after we got home not reassured me, then yes, I probably would have felt guilty about switching to mix feeding and then ff. Support is crucial, whatever you choose. The goal should be a happy mum and a happy baby. Switching to Ff achieved that for us, so it was the right decision.

As someone who has recently posted about expressing blood (as OP mentioned) I have persevered with DD2 because:

• It is better for the baby than formula (PPs have explained why)
• When it's established, it's easier (just pull out boob wherever), rather than having to plan how long I'll be out for, carry and sort out bottles. Eg when DD1 was about 6 months I wd've finished feeding her in a cafe by the time friends came back from the microwave. (This is probably the main reason.)
• I fed DD1 so feel I should do the same for each child.

Why I fed DD1 is different tho. It was awful for me - she wouldn't latch for 3 weeks so I had to express for about 8 hours a day which wrecked my back. I didn't enjoy the early weeks at all. However, I felt it was the best thing to do and as I was off work doing the best for my baby was my job. It did mean I hated the first couple of months and am amazed by how much I am enjoying it with DD2 who is only 8 days.

Not entirely sure what you are asking....

Threads on here get very judgey regarding this but I never experienced this in RL....although didn't do the whole group thing....

I chose to ff from birth ....so many times I've read "can't believe there are mothers that don't even give bf a go"

They judge....but then I would judge an extended breast feeder if I'm entirely honest.

I always groan also when bf mothers seem to regard formula as failing and the 'guilt' if they had to offer formula....almost as if its poison

It was a fantastic choice for me. Excellent routine established early....healthy baby.

As long as you are happy with your feeding choices then that is really all that matters....

Enjoy your new baby

minifingers - 3 babies in and my worst experience was the one I fed to nine months. The bonding thing ime is absolute tosh.

I have early inductions due to health issues. I don't give a flying fig how natural or otherwise it is. I certainly don't care if it affects bf. I can have children due to medical advances and I am grateful. Give a shit how they are fed.

*i bfed to nine months

Last thing promise! Major downside to ff IMO is that everyone thinks they can 'have a go' at feeding baby. It is important IMO that mother still does majority of feeds.

Why would you judge extended breastfeeding only1scoop? And how would you define it? Genuinely curious.

Why pomme? Surely it doesnt matter if its their dad

Last thing promise! Major downside to ff IMO is that everyone thinks they can 'have a go' at feeding baby.

That was another reasons I was criticised by family for BF - MIL told me I was impeding DH bonding with his baby. That really upset me and I spent ages expressing so he could give bottles only to find out later he really hated doing it - and expressing was a bloody pain for me.

He's a great Dad and has a fantastic hands on relationship with our children - so I know it was rubbish but time it really worried me.

'Tosh' Exactly that

A few of the usual posts which never fail to pop up and prove that the Op has a point....and possibly envisaged a little mini bunfight would ensue.

carrie - yes nice that the dad can give bottles but I think that most feeds (if and where possible, of course not all situations are the same or perfect) should still be the mother. I think that is the part that is important for bonding, breast or bottle.

I am talking very early days. I tend to start back at work quite early as I love it so am not advocating women chained to the house and baby for months on end.

I suppose everyone thinks different but I chose to go back at 2 weeks recently and I dont see any difference in terms of bonding with dcs as I just instantly bond at birth and all feels the same to me.

"Why do women persist despite the difficulties? Societal pressure? Guilt/obligation? And if you decided to FF, how did that make you feel? We're you fine with your decision?"

I carried on (and still am) because it's normal.
I never felt guilted into it.

onescoop you would have judged me then! But surely the point of this thread is to sort of support the OP (and all women) by saying "no more judgement - feed how you want!"

I wouldn't judge you for FF from birth, even though I am a BF peer supporter and big BF advocate. Because it is UP TO YOU.

Maybe MNet could start a new campaign, or add a list of Mn commandments: thou shalt not judge boob or bottle: feed how the fuck you like!

Nancy

"Feed how the Fuck you like"

Hope you are getting the t shirts printed....save me one.