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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have no idea how to explain to my 9 year old DD what The Rapist Ched Evans did

550 replies

Hoppinggreen · 16/11/2014 19:38

DD has obviously picked up some snippets about this and has asked what happened. She does know about sex but we haven't discussed what rape is and I don't know his to explain why the victim went to the hotel and what went on from there. I don't want to victim blame but I do want to perhaps talk to her about personal safety.
I also want to make the point that what The Rapist and his apologists are doing now is wrong and how Jessica Ennis ( who she worships) has done a great thing by condemning Sheffield utds actions.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

LePetitMarseillais · 16/11/2014 19:41

I'd question how she knows so much about it.My 9 and 11 year olds are oblivious.

9 isn't the age I plan to teach my dd about rape or personal safety,there is no need.

WeirdCatLady · 16/11/2014 19:42

I simply told my 13 year old that he had done something very nasty to this poor woman. I told her all about Jess making a stand (literally hehe).

I wouldn't go into too much detail about the rapist Ched Evans, your dd is WAY too young to have that conversation.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2014 19:42

He forced her to have sex against her will is all you need to say.

She doesnt need need to know why the victim went to the hotel ect

You can have the personal safety talk at another time, so as not to confuse her or to get too deeply into a conversation about specific people.

All you have to say about Jessica Ennis is that she felt strongly enough about Sheffield's actions to withdraw herself, because she doesnt think they are right.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/11/2014 19:42

I would say that her vagina and breast are private and nobody should touch them unless she is 16 and says yes.

Explain then Ched Evans didn't get permission and was in very serious trouble.

StillProcrastinating · 16/11/2014 19:43

What about saying he was found guilty of being violent towards a woman. I don't think your DD needs details about hotels etc, as you get on a slippery path. The most important thing was that our justice system has found him guilty of a crime, and rape surely comes under the broader heading of violence. You can leave it at that. ?

skylark2 · 16/11/2014 19:44

"Rape is when a man forces a woman to have sex even though she doesn't want to."

I don't think you need to go further than that. She knows what sex is and must know what being forced to do something you don't want is.

I think she's a bit young for specific personal safety discussions associated with rape (you've surely already had the "don't go anywhere with a stranger" type talks).

I wouldn't even get into the details of the specific case - what's important is that they don't matter, they don't excuse anything, it's rape unless the woman says yes, whatever she's done leading up to it. If you get into the details you risk your DD thinking that the details make a difference.

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 16/11/2014 19:46

She asked the following
" what did that footballer everyone is talkng about do"
" why are lots of people saying that Jessica Ennis is very brave"
" why would the lady go to the hotel with someone she didn't know"
" how can someone have sex if they don't want to"

I do try to not give her too much information and am happy to fudge answers but I do generally try to be honest with her too.
Agree with people saying I should save personal safety for another time though.

OP posts:

titchy · 16/11/2014 19:47

Agree 9 might be a little young to explain what rape is but cat lady - I can't believe you didn't tell your 13 year old if she doesn't know what rape is, and I'd be surprised if she didn't, she certainly should at 13. Unless she is developmentally delayed of course if which case apologies.

OP can you just say he assaulted her? Maybe explain that assault means hurting someone?

skylark2 · 16/11/2014 19:50

" what did that footballer everyone is talkng about do"

He raped someone.

" why are lots of people saying that Jessica Ennis is very brave"

I didn't know they were. Principled, yes. Brave? Odd term to use.

" why would the lady go to the hotel with someone she didn't know"

Grownups don't have anyone to ask who they should go places with, they have to decide for themselves.

" how can someone have sex if they don't want to"

Um...does she actually know what having sex is? I suspect not. I'd go with "he was stronger than she was and made her."

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 16/11/2014 19:51

I did say he hurt a lady but she wants to know how etc.
( see above)

OP posts:

skylark2 · 16/11/2014 19:53

I'd have to say that I'm finding these repeated questions for exactly how we'd explain it rather uncomfortable. You've been a parent for 9 years - explain it in a way that's appropriate for her level of understanding!

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2014 19:55

I agree with both of skylark's last posts.

5ChildrenAndIt · 16/11/2014 19:56

My 10yo read the newspaper over my shoulder & asked me what rape was. Having sex with someone who didn't want to was a perfectly reasonable explanation for us.

She asked the following
" what did that footballer everyone is talkng about do".
Had sex with someone who didn't want to - which is against the law.

" why are lots of people saying that Jessica Ennis is very brave"
Because she is standing up for the lady that got hurt - and standing up to bullies is brave. She doesn't want her name linked with the man who raped, even if she misses out on jobs and opportunities by doing so.

" why would the lady go to the hotel with someone she didn't know"
He told he it would be fun, like a party.

" how can someone have sex if they don't want to"
They can do it of they are stronger, or if they bully the person.

WeirdCatLady · 16/11/2014 19:59

Titchy, how and when I explain a violent sexual rape to my daughter is none of your concern. 'Unless she's developmentally delayed of course'. Lovely.

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 16/11/2014 20:00

I just wanted some ideas and perspective from other parents.
Yes I have been a parent for almost 10 years but God knows it doesn't make me an expert on all things parent related. It's also over 30 years since I had any experience of being 9/10 and wondered if any other parents who had similar aged or older girls could give any tips on how to explain it best,
I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable so sorry if I have but I have also got some helpful suggestions so thank you for that.
Feel free to ignore or hide the post if you find it offensive in any way.

OP posts:

SoggyOldBiscuit · 16/11/2014 20:02

My 9 year old DS recently asked me what rape is. I said that it is when one person forces another person to have sex when that person doesn't want to. I also told him it is illegal. I don't think it is a difficult question to have with a 9 year old who already knows what sex is. We've previously discussed the fact that sex is something that adults do and they both have to agree with it.

Maybe is a good opportunity to have a general chat and answer any other questions that your DD has?

SoggyOldBiscuit · 16/11/2014 20:04

Actually, I've just realised that it might have been a more difficult conversation if I had been talking to a 9 year DD who was asking about a woman who was raped. I might have been worried about scaring her then I suppose. Is that what you are worried about OP?

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2014 20:06

I don't see a difference between explaining this to a 9yr old girl or a 9yr old boy, since either of them could be raped.

SoggyOldBiscuit · 16/11/2014 20:11

I know that Worra & I wondered why it might feel different to me. I think it is because, in this instance, the discussion is about a young woman who was raped by a man.

5ChildrenAndIt · 16/11/2014 20:12

I think it is a valuable opportunity to show your DC that non-consensual sex is something that is taken extremely seriously by police and wider world.

I think many teenagers can be led into thinking that they should shrug off sexual assaults (Groping at parties and malicious rumors as well as full-on rape).

News stories are a non-confrontational conversation opener on the topic - compared to having to deal with it in the context of personal experience.

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 16/11/2014 20:14

Yes soggy I think you've hit the nail on the head. I want to be as honest as I can and give DD the information she needs but not scare or upset her.
Up until now she has thought that sex takes place between 2 people who like each other and who want to have sex with each other.
I suppose it's the same with any discussions of this kind with children.

OP posts:

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/11/2014 20:14

I disagree with a women having to take personal responsibly in order not to be raped.

Rapist rape because they are rapist.

My DH wouldn't rape me because he is not a rapist, I could walk around my house naked.

There is no need to have a discussion about personal safety.

LadyLuck10 · 16/11/2014 20:17

Piper a person does need to take personal responsibility which could help them minimize risk to themselves.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2014 20:17

I think there is a need to have a discussion about personal safety, but just not now, so it's not linked to this.

Or it might come across as victim blaming.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/11/2014 20:19

So what personal responsibility should women take in order not to be raped?

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