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Original poster

...to send an anonymous letter to my friend, telling her about her husband's affair?

112 replies

StillScottish · 16/11/2014 19:01

I know that sounds awful, but I just can't think what else to do.

She's quite a close friend, they've been married nearly 20 years, and I know she will be devastated.

I found out a few months ago when another friend started working in the same place as her dh. It seems that it's been going on for several years, and is reasonably common knowledge around the workplace.

On the basis that it is such a long term thing, I really think my friend should know. I would be there for her as much or as little as she wants in order to get her through it.

BUT, I really really don't want to be the one to tell her. What if it ruins our friendship? What if she doesn't believe me? What if she wants to know why I didn't run round to tell her straight away? She's a lovely lovely friend, and as much as I think she should know this about her dh, I do not want to lose her friendship from my life Sad

OP posts:
bodhranbae · 16/11/2014 19:03

Sending an anonymous letter is a poisonous thing to do to a friend.

Either tell her to her face or mind your own business.

DevonFolk · 16/11/2014 19:03

Definitely don't do it anonymously. Tell her. She might not like it to start with, but in the long run she'll thank you for it.

Purpleknickers · 16/11/2014 19:04

But what is she finds out and then finds out you knew and said nothing? I have been the cheated on wife and if my best friend had known and didn't tell me I would have felt doubly betrayed although I appreciate it's difficult

WooWooOwl · 16/11/2014 19:04

You have to tell her yourself. If she's a close friend, she will understand that you have been in a difficult position.

Why didn't you tell her sooner?

Purpleknickers · 16/11/2014 19:04

I agree tell her face to face not a letter

MarshaBrady · 16/11/2014 19:04

Don't send the letter, it will be devastating for her and worse to get ithe news in that form.

purplepowers · 16/11/2014 19:06

I would definitely tell her face to face. If you a true friend, be honest. If you were in her position, wouldn't you want your friend to tell you?

notagainffffffffs · 16/11/2014 19:06

You have to do it yourself sorry :( this has happened to me twice, one girl stayed friends with me and the other didn't. I think it depends alot on whether they want to stay with the dh.

Vitalstatistix · 16/11/2014 19:07

Does your friend know for sure, or is it office gossip?

I think that unless you actually know, you cannot tell your friend that her husband is having an affair. What if is it malicious or stupid office gossip with no truth in it?

What you could do, if you don't have first hand knowledge or proof, is tell her that you have been told that there is a rumour and tell her as much as you know.

ILovePud · 16/11/2014 19:07

I appreciate what a difficult position you are in but you need to tell her and then be there to support her. If you send her a letter it will eat her up wondering who sent it and she may dismiss it as malicious lies. If you were in her position what would you want your friend to do?

DoughnutSelfie · 16/11/2014 19:11

She might know already. They may have an "arrangement".

Agree, face to face or nothing.

Gawjushun · 16/11/2014 19:16

I'd tell the husband that I know. Hopefully it'd get him to admit to it since it's already out there.

If that doesn't work then you have to tell the poor woman. Just be prepared for her to shoot the messenger initially. I'm sorry that you have to be in this position. :(

boodles · 16/11/2014 19:18

See I say differently. If you are 100% sure then I think she should know. 2 options, 1 tell the husband u know and he has to tell her or you will or 2 send a letter. Personally I think I might prefer a letter. I am quite a private person and don't always like to share my emotions with others and so a well thought out letter would give me a chance to digest this information privately.

LoisHatesChristmas · 16/11/2014 19:20

Oh that is a dilemma Sad To be honest, I wouldn't get involved at all but I don't know how I would feel if a friend knew my Dh cheated and didn't tell me.

LoisHatesChristmas · 16/11/2014 19:21

Please don't do it by anonymous letter though.

gamerchick · 16/11/2014 19:23

Pull him about it. Tell him he has to tell her or you will. No negotiations.

Whether you tell her or not you'll still feel like crap and if you tell her and she stays with him you'll probably find yourself binned off as a friend.

Bagoffrogs · 16/11/2014 19:27

I would definitely want to know. However whether I would have believed my friend had she told me STB ex H's antics I'm not sure. If your friend isn't 'in that place' ie, fed up of his bullsh*t anyway, there's a chance your friendship will suffer as he'll wangle his way out of it and she'll let him.
It is indeed a tricky one. Is there a chance she would ever find out you knew ?

Dogsmom · 16/11/2014 19:28

I'd prefer a letter if it were my husband, I'm sure you would write it in a sincere non sneery way.

I could then choose who I confide in, if anyone and would only have him to deal with and not my friend too.

I'm a really private person though and rarely share very personal information with anyone.

Original poster
StillScottish · 16/11/2014 19:32

I see we're definitely in the minority, here Boodles!

I do see how awful a letter like that would be and why it might well be a very bad idea. The only reason I'm thinking of going down that route is because I'm trying to imagine how she will react. Very difficult to predict anyone's reactions in a situation like this, but my gut feeling is that she will refuse to believe it and that ultimately she would rather stay with a cheating husband than no husband at all.

I may be doing her a great disservice there, but I know how lost she'd be without him, and I can't imagine her ever going it alone, no matter what he's done.

This is why I fear that if I told her, the casualty of the situation would be our friendship Sad

However, I may well be predicting her reaction wrongly, so I really do believe that she has the right to know and so therefore has the right to have that reaction for herself.

I don't have any hard evidence to show her. I don't have any doubt that it's true though. Her dh has been seen with the other woman too many times. I do have some contact details for the other woman. Not sure how useful they would be, or if she would be interested in having them, but short of setting a private investigator on her dh, that's all I have.

OP posts:
hesterton · 16/11/2014 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmyview · 16/11/2014 19:40

my gut feeling is that she will refuse to believe it and that ultimately she would rather stay with a cheating husband than no husband at all.

Well, I guess that makes me feel you're perhaps best not to tell her.

I think that professional advice in this scenario is that it's best not to tell, but I'd feel very foolish if my friends knew and no one told me.

One issue here is that she may be deliberately choosing to ignore the signs, but once someone tells her, she can't continue to ignore it. She has to react in some way.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 16/11/2014 19:43

I may be doing her a great disservice there, but I know how lost she'd be without him, and I can't imagine her ever going it alone, no matter what he's done. (can't get the bold thing to work)

If you really know this to be the case, then why on EARTH would you ever tell her. And tell her something that is only hearsay and may be malicious gossip. Walk away, don't get involved.

The only reason you would knowingly destroy another person's marriage is if you want the husband for yourself. What's the back story here? Why do you hate your friend so much that you would (anonymously) bring her world crashing down. Fucking disgusting to even contemplate doing this.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 16/11/2014 19:44

oops - the bold thing did work...

Runwayqueen · 16/11/2014 19:46

Please don't send a letter, but please do tell her if you are 100% certain it is the truth.

My xh had a long term affair. After I discovered it, it transpired that dd's godmother/my best friend knew all along and didn't tell me, I honestly don't think I've forgiven her for not telling me or prompting xh to come clean.

lunar1 · 16/11/2014 19:50

The only person destroying the marriage is the husband. Never the messenger.

Tell her to her face op, if you send a letter she may have questions and not know who to ask. She needs to get an sti check. She has every right to know.