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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to send an anonymous letter to my friend, telling her about her husband's affair?

112 replies

StillScottish · 16/11/2014 19:01

I know that sounds awful, but I just can't think what else to do.

She's quite a close friend, they've been married nearly 20 years, and I know she will be devastated.

I found out a few months ago when another friend started working in the same place as her dh. It seems that it's been going on for several years, and is reasonably common knowledge around the workplace.

On the basis that it is such a long term thing, I really think my friend should know. I would be there for her as much or as little as she wants in order to get her through it.

BUT, I really really don't want to be the one to tell her. What if it ruins our friendship? What if she doesn't believe me? What if she wants to know why I didn't run round to tell her straight away? She's a lovely lovely friend, and as much as I think she should know this about her dh, I do not want to lose her friendship from my life

OP posts:

Original poster

StillScottish · 16/11/2014 22:46

When I said no proof, what I meant was that I do not have anything irrefutable to actually show my friend.

I didn't mean that there was any doubt over the situation. A friend that I trust has seen enough to know that there is certainly some truth to be acknowledged.

Granted though, that by the time that this gets to my friend, it could appear little more than hearsay.

Not sure this is a good enough reason to keep her in the dark, but at this point I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Betsy003 · 16/11/2014 22:52

Just tell her you've heard he's seeing someone but can't offer any evidence. Agree your relationship is fucked if you don't tell her.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 22:56

I think all this second guessing her reaction is throwing you a bit OP. What do you want to do, according to your own principles? because each option could result in you getting caught in the cross fire.

Bogeyface · 16/11/2014 23:02

I think you need to accept that your friendship may never be the same either way. If you dont tell her then you will always have this hanging over you, watching what you say and she will notice that. If you do tell her then yes, she may shoot the messenger.

I think the best thing that you can do is say that there is a rumour that he is having an affair. Tell her what your mutual friend has seen and said and tell her that you will always be there for her no matter what she decides to do.

Stalequavers · 16/11/2014 23:03

If I received a letter that my dp was having a long term affair I would crumble. What if she is on her own when she reads if? Or with her kids? Or with inlaws ? Or other friends ? You can't just throw a bomb in there and hide.

A real friend would arrange to see her alone break it to her and be there to comfort, hold, stop the smashing up of house ect...

If your not big enough to deal with the fall out you have no business sticking your nose in, infact it's very cowardly.

You need to make your mind up pretty soon what your going to do.

tell her and deal with consequence either way
keep your mouth shut and risk losing her anyway if she ever finds out that you know.

Also how can you lie bare faced to her?

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 16/11/2014 23:04

Yes but your friend saw what exactly? How do you know she wasn't exaggerating. Maybe your first move is to recheck with her and tell her you are thinking of telling your friend.

He said/she said just isn't good enough.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 23:10

I think these accusations of the OP acting on gossip are unfair. She is in the situation, and thinks the accusation carries weight. Urge caution, by all means, but don't assume it's 'nasty', 'spiteful', 'hearsay'. There are other kinds of information

takeiteasybuttakeit · 16/11/2014 23:13

For starters, ask the other friend not to talk to you about it again - so far all you 'know' is gossip, and your friend will not be happy you've been talking about this to someone else. As others have said, maybe she actually knows already and chooses not to talk to you about it. If she finds out and asks if you knew, well you didn't, with a clear conscience you can say you heard a bit of gossip but didn't want to hurt her with gossip.

500Decibels · 16/11/2014 23:17

I would just be totally honest and tell her that this is what you've heard and thought she should know.

If my friend didn't tell me she d heard strong rumours I'd be pissed off with her and wouldn't consider her a friend.

MrsGuyofGisborne · 16/11/2014 23:22

Horrible horrible.. But I agree with gamerchick. Tell the husband he needs to tell her by the end of the week or you will. He is the one that needs to take responsibility for this shite..

Good luck.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 16/11/2014 23:24

Well personally I wouldn't dream of telling a friend of mine any thing this serious, unless I had more proof than another friend thinks it's true.

Gossip like this develops and grows with the telling until everyone is 'convinced it's true' and it may not be at all.

In some offices a bloke and a woman can't share a joke without some spiteful idiot spreading rumours. We all know it happens.

RedSoloCup · 16/11/2014 23:27

When I was 17 I met my first boyfriend. He was a friends boyfriends work colleague / friend.

After dating him a while I became away my friends boyfriend was not exactly the faithful type.

I didn't tell her for ages but did in the end as I felt people were laughing about it behind her back. Telling her did put my own relationship in jeopardy as my boyf had asked me not to.

She never believed me and never spoke to me again.

They split soon after but she still never spoke to me :(

Always said I would never get involved again and luckily haven't been in the position to test it.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 23:28

As I said, nothing wrong with urging caution, but there are other perspectives, and the OP doesn't exactly sound caught up in drama. She heard a few months back and it seems to be weighing on her mind. Understandably.

sykadelic · 16/11/2014 23:32

Agree with telling her in person.

You could try the "I love MN. Have you ever been on there? I'm constantly shocked how many people wouldn't want to know their spouse is having an affair. What do you think?" and discuss it with her.

If it turns out she'd want to know then I would broach it with: "I have a confession... I asked you whether you'd want to know for a reason. You know how my friend X has started working at the same place as your DH? Well she's seen and heard some things that I thought you should know. Your DH is having an affair with a woman called Z and apparently it's been going on for several years, which is why I thought you should know. I have Z's contact information if you'd like it."

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Andrewofgg · 16/11/2014 23:32

You know the old-fashioned name for anonymous letters?

Poison pen letters. And quite right.

If all the "common knowledge" in my office was true we'd have no time and/or be too tired to get any work done. Stay out of it and don't peddle malicious gossip.

maddening · 16/11/2014 23:32

do not tell the husband - it gives him an advantage as he knows the game is up - time to gaslight her so she does turn against her support, time to cover tracks or tie her up financially. if she finds out first she can do some digging, prepare herself, get important docs together -print statements, value assets, work out how she feels about it, take time to plan her next move - as once the shit hits the fan things will be out of her total control.

why not invite her for a weekend in a city or by the sea and tell her then - when she can spend the time ranting and letting it sink in.

Coffi · 16/11/2014 23:38

How did the other friend find out about the affair?
What has she said to you about it to prove that it is real?
Does she have children?
How long have they been together?
How long have you known her?
Sorry but in 4 pages you have only posted 3 times and havnt really said all that much about this couple.

MrsGuyofGisborne · 16/11/2014 23:43

Oh yes. on second thoughts maddening is right. I hadn't thought of it from the perspective that they may split up. So yes forewarn and forearm her.

Coffi · 16/11/2014 23:43

Sorry just realised that you have said they have been together 20 years . Missed that.

Behoove · 16/11/2014 23:58

It's a difficult one for you.
I was on the receiving end of an anonymous letter (long time ago, different life)
However, I was in a relationship that was emotionally abusive, although I didn't know then that was what it was called, and the letter clarified my feelings and thoughts.

It was in a definitely feminine hand and written sympathetically. The letter didn't upset me at all, it helped me and to this day I wonder what state I would be in if it hadn't brought me to my senses.

Nillia · 17/11/2014 00:06

You don't seem to say much Scottish.

Can you tell us what your other friend has actually seen and how she knows who your friend and her husband are.

ExpectTheVeryUnexpected · 17/11/2014 00:15

If my friend knew and didn't tell me, even if it were a rumour I would hate that more. You need to be honest, because in my opinion if you can keep this info to yourself to preserve a friendship then you were a selfish friend in the first place as it's putting your own desires above your friends right to know something that massively affects her life.

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 17/11/2014 08:57

I dont think it matters that the OP hasn't given all the details. She isn't wrestling with whether what she has heard is true - she believes it is on the basis of what she has been told. What she is wrestling with is whether to tell her friend. Laying everything out here for other people to decide whether the rumours may have substance isn't necessary.

The OP knows the friend who has told her, the DH and wife concerned and is therefore best placed to make a judgement on whether there is anything to it.

The OP is asking whether on the basis of her believing what she has been told, should she tell her friend.

Roussette · 17/11/2014 09:07

So you are planning on deceiving your friend? Doesn't she have enough deceit in her life? So when her world falls apart after getting an anonymous letter, you're going to be there comforting her, all the while knowing that you were the one to send the letter.

It sounds like you are set on sending this letter, I think you should reconsider, it's the cowards way out (as any poison pen letter is)

NancyRaygun · 17/11/2014 09:20

Couldn't you simply say to your friend - "this is probably nothing but horrible gossip and you might choose not to mention it to your DH but there is quite a lot of talk about him and "OW". I wanted you to be aware, because I would want to know about talk like that even if there's nothing in it, I am sorry if it hurts you though."

then leave it to her to sort...

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