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Original poster

...to send an anonymous letter to my friend, telling her about her husband's affair?

112 replies

StillScottish · 16/11/2014 19:01

I know that sounds awful, but I just can't think what else to do.

She's quite a close friend, they've been married nearly 20 years, and I know she will be devastated.

I found out a few months ago when another friend started working in the same place as her dh. It seems that it's been going on for several years, and is reasonably common knowledge around the workplace.

On the basis that it is such a long term thing, I really think my friend should know. I would be there for her as much or as little as she wants in order to get her through it.

BUT, I really really don't want to be the one to tell her. What if it ruins our friendship? What if she doesn't believe me? What if she wants to know why I didn't run round to tell her straight away? She's a lovely lovely friend, and as much as I think she should know this about her dh, I do not want to lose her friendship from my life Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
StillScottish · 16/11/2014 20:09

I'm in even more of a pickle now!! Definite majority vote for not sending a letter here. But knowing my friend as I do, I really think she would prefer a letter to having to deal with a conversation.

When I think back over the years, there has been times that she has confided in me about her dh being distant and going off sex, although she has never suggested that she thought there may be someone else.

Now of course, that all falls into place. I can't ever let a conversation like that come up again whilst I know, and she doesn't. It would be awful.

I do think that she will struggle hugely with the news, but is that reason not to tell her? The one thing I think with a letter, is that I can still be there for her as a friend. If I tell her face to face, and it makes things awkward between us, then she loses that outlet as well as everything what.

OP posts:
Original poster
StillScottish · 16/11/2014 20:10

*else

OP posts:
Flywheel · 16/11/2014 20:18

Another vote for the letter. She definitely deserves to know, but she doesn't necessarily want to discuss it with you. Indeed, she may even know already, in which case a face to face discussion would be humiliating for her.
I think if it was me I would prefer the letter than being forced I to a conversation with a friend before I was ready.

Hazchem · 16/11/2014 20:18

If you send a letter you must include your name. But honestly while the conversation will be hard she will need your love and support.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 16/11/2014 20:21

How could you write the letter anonymously then deal with fallout when she needs a friend?

Letter if you must. But then sign it and stand by it, anything else would be cowardice.

Melibean44 · 16/11/2014 20:23

You know her...and her relationship with her husband, trust your gut, very ,very carefully compose a letter in which you tell her exactly what your understanding of the situation is, that you do not have absolute proof, that it is possible it is not true....but that you felt she should know what many others believe...and then leave it to her.
This is not what I would want, but you sound extremely sincere, and a good friend, and I think you should trust your own judgement. Good Luck.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 16/11/2014 20:24

I vote for an anon letter. But sincerely written, carefully written. With the OW name in case awe she want to contact her to ask her about it- unless your friend is one of those women who blame ow instead of her scumbag husband.

Waltonswatcher · 16/11/2014 20:24

Mind your own business .
You are not in this marriage and can have no idea about their rules .
My Dh and I have had a rough few months . To outsiders it may have looked like I was having an affair -I lent heavily on my male best friend .
We are now back on track but interference from a third party could have really threatened that from happening .

cingolimama · 16/11/2014 20:25

I must be a lone voice here, but I don't think you should say anything, via letter or direct conversation. It's not your business.

Melibean44 · 16/11/2014 20:26

sorry, should also have included that if you feel it best to leave it unsigned as you think she will want to ignore this info and stay with her husband,with your friendship the only casualty, don't sign your letter...but if I was you, if she admits receiving it, and asks if you sent it , immediately acknowledge it was you, and explain your reasons.

Allisgood1 · 16/11/2014 20:27

This thread is dejavu to a recent now deleted thread about a woman's sister receiving an anonymous text about her husband having an affair.

OP, tell her. Not anonymously, and not in writing. To her face. I would be equally devastated if my friend of 20 years wrote me an anonymous letter containing this info.

bringbacksideburns · 16/11/2014 20:35

If she is such a good friend to you then speak to her. Do not send a letter. But be completely and utterly sure it's true first. Don't rely on Hearsay.

There is a good chance it will bite you on the bum and end the friendship.
If she is just an aquaintance i would say keep your mouth shut but if you care for a person how could you turn a blind eye?
It's the chance you take.

I would absolutely want to be told. Infact my friend kept quiet and said nothing to me in a similar situation. Luckily it was over 20 years ago and i was young, unmarried, with no kids and i worked out he was an arse in time myself. But part of me always wishes she had said something.
If this is common knowledge and has been going on for years it's awful.

Get your facts right first and only act if you truly, truly value her as a friend. She deserves to know and then make up her own mind.

Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 20:37

I think you should speak to her and tell her that she has your full support whatever she decides to do.

Jolleigh · 16/11/2014 20:39

Not read any replies yet so apologies if I'm not talking with all the facts...

a) you should tell her face to face
b) you've known for months and said nothing?? I'd have personally expected much better of a friend.

formerbabe · 16/11/2014 20:40

I would do nothing....I have a rule about keeping my nose out of my friends relationships.

I have often joked with my friends that if they ever see my dh out with another woman, don't tell me! Ignorance is bliss!

NotYouNaanBread · 16/11/2014 20:44

If she knows and is tacitly going along with things as they are, then telling her out straight would be humiliating and awkward for her.

The best situation is the casual "Do you think you'd want to know if your DH was having an affair?" question, because she can take control of the situation a little.

NotYouNaanBread · 16/11/2014 20:45

Suggestion, not situation, sorry.

wheresthelight · 16/11/2014 20:46

sorry but without proof you are considering ripping get your friends world apart without having the balls to tell her yourself or at the very least sign the letter?? you don't sound like much of a friend to me.

the "other woman" could just be a friend and someone he confides in or confides in him and the rest is just office gossip.

either tell her to her face or keep your nose out

Rebecca2014 · 16/11/2014 20:46

A letter can easily be ignored or explained away (lies) I would tell her face to face.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 20:49

Oh OP, what a difficult situation. For the people who are saying stay out, I think that now the OP knows, that's not possible, is it? because every time she doesn't say anything, that is a choice too.

If you speak to the husband - which I can see the merits of - bear in mind this may also involve lying to her, since as a close friend she will presumably turn to you in the aftermath. How would you tell her that you knew, and intervened in that way? Could you not admit to it?

I think a face to face conversation or a letter is the way to go. You know her, so you decide. Either way, wording is crucial. I would say something like "it is widely believed that your husband is having an affair". Since you don't have hard evidence you must say only what you know to be true. Which is that the existence of the relationship is widely accepted. I wouldn't name the woman or give any gory details. That's for her to decide if she wants to know.

BestZebbie · 16/11/2014 20:53

SmilingHappyBeaver: It would absolutely be the husband who had destroyed the marriage by his own actions, if it ended up destroyed. Not the OP. The OP would merely be providing her friend with the courtesy of being treated as an adult who deserves the option of making informed choices about her own life.
If the friend does not know that her husband is sleeping with another person she may technically not even be able to currently give her informed consent to having marital sex with him herself (eg: would she still do so if she knew he was cheating on her, and that there was a potential increased risk of disease). The husband also currently has the element of surprise to screw her over with an out-of-the-blue announcement of leaving with no possible given opportunity for her to act in any way, spending their joint money on the OW, hiding or removing assets prior to a divorce lawyer getting involved - should a true friend leave the wife in that vulnerable position?

Leeds2 · 16/11/2014 20:53

My friend received a similar anonymous letter. She has no idea who wrote it (she suspects someone from her Ex's work, but doesn't know for sure), but was very glad to receive it in that she knew the truth. She and Ex split up over it, but she has always said that she was glad someone told her.

fluffyraggies · 16/11/2014 20:57

I suppose everyone is different but I would want to know.

I would rather hear it face to face sincerely from a caring friend than anyone else.

Honestly when i think of my best friend i would tell her the minute i heard any of these serious 'rumors'. I would 100% expect her to do the same for me. As hard as it would be for her. I can even picture the way she would do it.

I would tell her somewhere private, when there's plenty of time, and give her a bloody good hug at the same time.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 16/11/2014 20:57

Good god.

Where are your actual facts? None just gossip and hearsay.

Maybe they are just friends. You send her a letter and she jumps infront of a train! Ffs.

Definatly keep out of this marriage.

Amazed anyone would think of wading into another persons relationships unless they have absolute proof.

Remembers marriages are do complicated and different. Some loving couples tolerate affairs and open relationships but take care not to tell their nearest and dearest friends And family.

Keep out that's my advice.

addictedtobass · 16/11/2014 20:58

I would personally do as someone had suggested and ask if she'd want to know. If the answer is yes then tell her there and then, if not then keep stum.

Only you know your friend though, you will know what she would prefer and need.