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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to send an anonymous letter to my friend, telling her about her husband's affair?

112 replies

StillScottish · 16/11/2014 19:01

I know that sounds awful, but I just can't think what else to do.

She's quite a close friend, they've been married nearly 20 years, and I know she will be devastated.

I found out a few months ago when another friend started working in the same place as her dh. It seems that it's been going on for several years, and is reasonably common knowledge around the workplace.

On the basis that it is such a long term thing, I really think my friend should know. I would be there for her as much or as little as she wants in order to get her through it.

BUT, I really really don't want to be the one to tell her. What if it ruins our friendship? What if she doesn't believe me? What if she wants to know why I didn't run round to tell her straight away? She's a lovely lovely friend, and as much as I think she should know this about her dh, I do not want to lose her friendship from my life Sad

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 16/11/2014 20:59

By the way, what she chooses to do with the info. is up to her. It's not for you to speculate about this along the lines of 'she's better off not knowing'.

MrsDutchie · 16/11/2014 21:05

Please don't write a letter. If she's private, then you can leave her to her thoughts after a conversation. I think you should prepare yourself for all fallout options and tell her. If you were merely acquaintances or didn't know each other, I could understand a letter. But you're not and you should talk to her. I really think writing a letter is more to your benefit than hers.

WrappedInABlankie · 16/11/2014 21:06

She has the right to know, you need to tell her. Finding out about the affair has put you in a position of. Do you lie to your friend for the foreseeable (despite doing that for months) and essentially condoning what the H's doing.

OR

You be a friend, you tell her whether by letter or face to face. My 'mother' had numerous affairs (still is) The last one had a child, they'd pretend to be a family and she didn't care. I sent a letter to his wife. Once I was informed he was married I had a choice to make. Keep quiet and essentially condone what they're doing or tell the wife because I don't condone what they're doing and it's disgusting and wrong and I' don't agree.

His wife thanked for, everyone at the work place new what they were doing and kept quite it'd been going on for nearly a year and was disgusting.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 21:09

As someone who has been asked if they want to know something awful - what sort of choice does that give someone? all it does is telegraph that there's something to be known and send their mind spinning off into all the possibilities. It also puts the onus on them. I appreciate that the intention is to be kind, but I don't think that it really is.

Haffdonga · 16/11/2014 21:09

One day your friend will find out. How will she feel if she also finds out that her best friend knew for ages and said nothing? (I was there once. It's not good. Sad )

Tell her you have heard rumours and present the evidence factually to her. e.g. Don't say 'your H is having an affair. Do say 'There are rumours that H and OW are spending a lot of time together. They have been seen together here, here and here.' Then stick around whatever she chooses to believe.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 21:10

Agreed Haffdonga

SaucyJack · 16/11/2014 21:11

Yes, do tell her. Face to face would be best so she'll at least know it's come from a reputable source.

A good friend would respect she has a right to know her husband is cheating- whether she chooses to do anything about it is down to her.

Betsy003 · 16/11/2014 21:12

I think you tell the husband that he has 2 days to come clean with his wife or you will be informing her as his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Then text your friend and tell her that you treasure her friendship and can you talk at the weekend

Betsy003 · 16/11/2014 21:13

You are the best person to tell her. Seriously.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 21:15

Thinking about this forcing the husband to tell her - do you know, I think I'd be more pissed off about a friend orchestrating my life like that, than a direct conversation telling me what she knows.

What is the benefit of the husband telling her? if OP is right and he's been carrying on for years - he's missed his chance, sorry.

WrappedInABlankie · 16/11/2014 21:18

Betsy What if OP say's to husband;

OP: "you need to tell DW"
H: "Okay, I will"

Later

H: "look DW, DF came to me the other day and said she's going to tell you I'm having an affair, it's not true. I don't know why she's saying these things"

Op tells friend, DW now thinks she a liar and doesn't want to talk to her again.

That is what I as the OP would be worried about, It's happened to a friend and she disowned her and they still haven't spoken years later.

Doilooklikeatourist · 16/11/2014 21:19

I think you have to tell her
Along the lines of ..
I'm really sorry dear friend , but I think your husbands having an affair with scarlet woman
This is what I know
I won't say anything ever again
But I had to say this

ElkTheory · 16/11/2014 21:20

I would stay out of it at this point. You really don't have any proof. It could just be office gossip. Being seen with a woman is hardly proof positive her husband is having an affair. He may well be, of course. But without actually knowing the facts of the matter, I'd mind my own business.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 21:21

More likely, asking the husband to tell her gives him a chance to get his ducks in a row and come up with a load of shite to get himself off the hook!

Tell her that lots of people are saying it but you have no proof, and encourage her to go looking for some.

Don't leave her on the back foot from the start.

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 16/11/2014 21:26

If you don't tell her your friendship is fucked anyway. How can you stay friends with her, look her in the face and KNOW you know something about her marriage that she doesn't? You surely couldn't? Likewise sending a letter - how could you pat her on the shoulder and pretend you knew nothing about it when/if she tells you?

Either tell her or don't but don't be messing about with letters or ultimatums to the husband.

fluffyraggies · 16/11/2014 21:26

I would want to know even if it were just rumor. I would want the opportunity to choose to do something or ignore.

Perhaps give my DH the opportunity to do something or ignore also.

Hate the idea of people gossiping about me or my family, my friends knowing about it, and saying nothing.

lougle · 16/11/2014 21:35

Not anonymous. It would be terrible. What if she spent all her time mulling it over with you, asking who could have written it? How could you possibly salvage that?

TrendStopper · 16/11/2014 21:36

I would want to be told. I wouldn't care how.

Just before I got married my friend told me that she saw my fiancé with another woman. I chose not to believe her, we had an argument but stayed friends. I married my fiancé then divorced him a few years later coz of another affair.

The friend who told me is my best friend and even though I didn't believe her she was right to tell me.

OP you are the only one who knows your friend. None of us can know what she would like or how she would react. Go with your gut.

Momagain1 · 16/11/2014 21:44

All you know is what someone else has said is common knowledge around her office. Common knowledge could well be common gossip. I have been in the position of gossips 'knowing' I was having an affair. When the gossips had to give up on that story, they then had the guy in a gay affair with another friend! Also untrue.

In reality, you know nothing.

XiCi · 16/11/2014 21:49

If I discovered a friend had sent me an anonymous letter like that I would never speak to them again

A cowardly, malicious act based on a bit of tittle tattle you heard from someone in his office

If you haven't got the guts to speak to her about it then stay out of it

A friend of mine received an anonymous letter and the effect was devastating. Not knowing what was true and what was lies, wondering if someone out there just hated her, wondering whether some malicious nutters was trying to split up her family. All sorts of people got accused of sending it. What's worse is that it was based on gossip and completely untrue. It caused untold stress and unhappiness. You are not a friend to her if you are considering doing this

findingherfeet · 16/11/2014 21:54

I'd want the letter but signed from you... I could read/process and compose my response in private before seeing you.

I'd also want you to stress in your letter that you haven't told any mutual friends/family.

bodhranbae · 16/11/2014 22:08

The letter idea is so crass - and an anonymous letter is just downright creepy. I would be livid with any friend who did that to me.

You could be barking up the wrong tree entirely and about to create a shit storm for nothing more than office gossip.

carlywurly · 16/11/2014 22:12

It was common knowledge in my last workplace that I was having an affair with my boss. The thing is, I wasn't. We were incredibly close friends who really clicked, but that was it. Nothing ever happened between us despite loads of opportunities.

I would have been livid if somebody had stirred things in either of our marriages based on gossip. Unless you have concrete evidence, please don't say a thing.

Nancy66 · 16/11/2014 22:12

I wouldn't take an anonymous letter seriously. I'd just think it was a shit-stirring nutter.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 16/11/2014 22:25

I think it's utterly disgusting that posters are condoning telling this woman anything that is essentially nasty spiteful gossip and hearsay.

Absolutely no facts at all. Just awful.

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