...to send an anonymous letter to my friend, telling her about her husband's affair?

[StillScottish]

I know that sounds awful, but I just can't think what else to do.

She's quite a close friend, they've been married nearly 20 years, and I know she will be devastated.

I found out a few months ago when another friend started working in the same place as her dh. It seems that it's been going on for several years, and is reasonably common knowledge around the workplace.

On the basis that it is such a long term thing, I really think my friend should know. I would be there for her as much or as little as she wants in order to get her through it.

BUT, I really really don't want to be the one to tell her. What if it ruins our friendship? What if she doesn't believe me? What if she wants to know why I didn't run round to tell her straight away? She's a lovely lovely friend, and as much as I think she should know this about her dh, I do not want to lose her friendship from my life

As much I would want to say something as a friend I can assure you it is always best to stay out of these things. It could all backfire and you will get the brunt of it and lose a friend. Just be there for her when she does find out and don't tell her you knew.

But even if I does turn out to be untrue (which seems unlikely), I just think that as a grown woman she has the right to try and find out for herself whether she thinks there's any truth it in.

If you can tell 2 million people on the internet that you genuinely believe this man is cheating, then the very least you can do is tell his poor bloody wife.

You HAVE to tell her and you HAVE to do it face to face.

She's already got a husband she can't count on. Now, more than ever she needs to know she can count on her friends.

It's a horrible situation and I really feel for you but you have to step up and do the hard thing here.

I like Nancys approach. Then you can judge by her reaction if you can add extra weight behind it by saying you believe it.

Oh God, no, don't do it by letter or by some roundabout means. It will only make matters worse.

I would speak to the husband, say that you know and that he has to tell her or you will.

And be prepared to drop everything in your life for a bit. It sounds as though she will be devastated.

Can you tell them in niave way? - "has your husband pi$$ed someone off as they are spreading some gossip around about him cheating with X)

Another vote for Nancy's suggestion. Then if friend wants to bury her head in the sand, and really doesn't want to know, then she has that option. Or if she wants to do some more digging, or confront him, then she can. It puts her in the driving seat. I think sending an anonymous letter would be a selfish act, aimed at protecting your own feelings.

Without knowing all the details from the OP, we are not in a position to give advice.
The OP has only made 3 posts out of all these pages.

Seems a bit odd really.

I think Nancy's 'This is probably just gossip, but in your position I would want to know etc' approach has some merit - I am with those who, before I told a friend her husband was being unfaithful, would want considerably more proof than another friend's say-so.

Possibly because, like a pp, it was also strongly rumoured that I was having an affair with a colleague, on no grounds other than us being seen having breakfast together in a cafe near campus regularly. In fact, his longterm partner had run off with their plumber, and, being a gentle, depressive type, his world was falling apart, and I was just being a safe ear.

And lots of Mn threads surprise me with how deeply intolerant some women are about close friendships between men and women - things I would consider utterly normal, like going out for dinner and drinks alone with a married male friend on a regular basis, seem to be viewed as deeply suspicious and evidence of an 'emotional affair'. Is it not perfectly possible your other friend is simply misconstruing what she is seeing, and you risk making your friend unhappy with no evidence?

I have been with my partner 20 years, I would expect my best friend to tell me, I would trust her more than him to be honest, but I do have the greatest best friend ever...Tell her face to face and then she can deal with it, she will find out at some point, I would never forgive myself if my best friend felt she couldn't tell me....Good Luck OP .....

Yes, I agree Ohforfox. If my best friend told me something like this, I would not shoot the messenger as I've known her most of my life and I know she would have my best interests at heart. However, not all friendships are like this...