To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

And dont forget boring friendly

God forbid a man has to watch his own children AND do the bath routine wow this woman is really pushing now!

I wonder if she hires help for when he is away.... Maybe she just cracks on with it by herself....

Well I think he's being a big ol' meanie.

My hobby and passion is dogs. My DH has zero interest. However we ended up with two ( lost one in June :( ) because he knows it would make me happy. He seldom complains about mud and hair even though he hates it.
I'm working towards becoming a trainer and he happily looks after the kids when I go off to class. Because it makes me happy.
He listens kindly when I start banging on about operant conditioning and no reward markers and other such baffling (to a non doggy person) and dull subjects because he's not a rude arse.
He congratulates me if I pass a module of my course or the dog earns a trick certificate or whatever - because he knows it makes me happy and he enjoy a

Enjoys my successes. Surely that's just what you do for someone you care about??

I'm not saying he deserves a medal.

What he's doing is completely normal but it's also necessary for the OP to do her hobby. I would say the same thing of all the millions of women who do evenings alone so their husbands can play football or whatever. I think anyone who does a hobby requiring their partners to stay home with the kids should appreciate that.

But this man gets regular trips abroad, which last 4/5 days at a time, and half of that time he spends enjoying himself, as the OP has stated. He's not a poor martyr stuck at home with DC night after night.
I think he's a shit. He is deliberately undermining OP's confidence in her hobby and calculatedly spoiling her pleasure, because he thinks she should have nothing in her life apart from domestic work and childcare.

And those of you making nasty remarks about how rubbish she must be, how selfish and whiny she is - well, you're just fuckwitted mundanes who probably do nothing apart from gape at the telly in the evening.

The OP is getting quite a bit of practical support if he's watching the kids two nights a week, every week. She tried to skirt this originally by saying the kids were in bed but they're not really, he still has to do the bedtime routine and all that.

They're 13! How much work does the bedtime routine involve with 13 year olds? In our house it's not much more than reminding them that it's bedtime, maybe a more firm reminder if they're dawdling, and checking that their lights are out a bit later.

And hobbies, are, actually, a feminist issue. Every mother should have at least 2 hours a week to do something that is for her benefit and no one else's. It doesn't matter if that's dancing, kickboxing, joining a pub quiz team or (if she is very dull) having a 'pamper' session. The point is that a mother does not exist solely to service her family. Posters on here who begrudge a male partner one evening a week to go to the pub or the gym or play in a rubbish covers band often get told they are being unreasonable - both parents are entitled to leisure time whether or not they WOHM. The OP has a job, so she is contributing financially to the family as well as doing the majority of the childcare and domestic work. She has every right to a hobby.

What do you want your husband to do OP? You know his real feelings, and those are that he has no interest in your dancing and gets bored watching it and can't be bothered to say anything nice.
That is unlikely to change.
If you force him to come along and watch and take pictures is this really going to help anything?
I think you either accept his disinterest and stick with the hobby and your marriage because otherwise your marriage is good and he is supportive in other ways (and supportive is often more about how you act than what you say) and you love each other.
Or, you decide his lack of interest in your hobby is a reflection of his lack of interest in you as a person and you no longer really love each other and look at whether or not you want to stay in the relationship.
You aren't going to turn him into one of the spontaneously complimenting husbands your friends have.

I think there are two aspects to this:

Providing the practical support - yes, he is doing that by being available for childcare, providing the childcare and with the knock on effect to himself that he cannot plan anything else while OP is at class or rehearsal.

Being polite/interested - not really.

The question is, does providing the first make up for the lack of the second?

Even if they did not have children, his remark at the end of the show would still have been that of a rude git.

This year my hobbies have been yoga class and political meetings. Dh has little interest in either. Add in parent rep groups and the management committee I'm on I am at something at least two nights a week.

Whilst my hobbies don't cumulate in a big performance he always asks how I've got on and is happy to listen. He also tells me I'm doing great as he sees how much confidence I've gained through the meetings I'm going to and how chilled yoga makes me.

It's nice to be nice.

How much work does x involve with y

Aren't we kind of approaching full circle, there?

If a man were saying "It's not support, because how much work does looking after the kids even involve when x, y and z" and that non-work was letting him go out to work, or go to the gym, wouldn't everyone be calling him names?

Yes to solid

SGB -- yes he gets to travel, and I would say the same, he should appreciate everything she does so he can do that.

I completely agree women should have their hobbies and he should facilitate that, I just think it's not fair to say he's not doing anything at all to support her hobby if he is willing to do that.

Also it's interesting that a lot of people are assuming she does the majority of the housework and childcare but I don't see where she's said that? Him wanting her to do more at home could be a typical misogynist bullshit or maybe he's annoyed that she's not pulling her weight, hence the PA attitude.

I agree with you that people are being way too bitchy about the fact it's dance though.

wow, I had no idea there were so many posters ready to worship a man who actually manages to look after his own children on his own a whole two nights a week - imagine! Give that man a flipping medal. They are HIS children - and they are teenagers, ffs, how much work is it?

He could still go out if he wanted to, there are these wonderful people called babysitters... good grief.

This man is NOT supportive, he is downright rude.

solidgold- I don't think anyone is arguing with that. Surely we don't need a man's approval for all the activities we do, or their praise.

My OH loves me going to the gym or a yoga class because he knows that is something that enhances my life. He is happy to drive me/feed the kids/ go shopping on our days off so I can spend the morning at a gym class- If I am feeling down or fed up he would be the first one to suggest I take myself off to the gym- which always raises my mood.

I don't expect him to take an interest in the sun salutations or how many Kilos I have bench pressed though as I know he would find that very dull.

Nor would I even invite him if we were to arrange a demonstration ( which doesn't happen) as I know that isn't his thing.
Dancing would fall into the same catagory- wild horses wouldn't drag him to watch me in a show he would be mortified.
AND THATS FINE.

If he is willing to do what? dream look after his own teenage kids?

Honestly the blind misogyny on here is soul destroying.

Is acknowledging that practical support, is practical support, with no dependence on gender, misogyny?

It sort of seems like it isn't to me.

Perhaps the definition is more nuanced than what I have seen written down anywhere.

Having read the updates, your DH sounds like a dick.

Am I right in inferring that you do the bedtimes 5 times a week to his 2, and the weekend activity run 40-odd times per year to his handful?

If that is the case, I'd be putting that right, so he can't complain about your dancing giving him extra work when it's just his fair share. He should be doing it half the time, not just when you have a show on!

I don't think it makes any difference whether he finds it tedious or not. I think that if he said "actually, I hate dancing, really can't stand it. So you go with your friends, and I'll have a nice bottle of wine on ice for when you get home" then that would be fair enough. But to go and then moan is just dickish.

big how about if you asked your dh if you looked fitter/better/lost weight after all your hard work and he was really "meh" about it - thought it was a big fat waste of your time and his time. Really didn't know why you was going.

I think you would feel a bit different about it.

What if you did do demonstrations once a year and he came to watch and said it was 'shit'. Can you honestly say there wouldn't be a teeny part of you that hoped he would be proud.

op husband is trying to undermine her confidence in something she clearly loves. And it's a shame that other women can not recognise that.

But this guy is not saying the dance is shit.

dudura I think we will just have to agree to disagree on wether 'watching' his teenage children is classed as 'support'.

Also the children are not babies - they are teenagers! What does bed time consist of for 13 years old??

I think 'your dance is shit' is a pretty fair summary of the message given by someone who doesn't even say 'well done' but merely demands to know whether they can leave. That's an appalling reaction to weeks of preparation and rehearsal and hard work. Good grief, dh has interests that bore me rigid but when he tells me about them I don't say anything dismissive or rude, that would be unkind. I listen and try to be supportive.

Don't 13 year olds look after themselves anyway? Mine did at that age. I probably wouldn't have even bothered with a babysitter as long as it wasn't too long or too late.

It depends on how soon after the show the OP came out into the foyer as to whether or not "can we go home now" is unreasonable.
If she came straight up to see him then yes he was mean. If she chatted to her friends, got changed and make up off and made him hang around bored for half an hour or more then his response is less unreasonable.
If I've gone to watch my husband in something he comes straight up to see me afterwards. I have seen some bored looking spouses where their partner is always the last one to appear because they are too busy "socialising" to come and see their waiting spouse.