To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

OP, I understand some of how you feel. I do creative writing, probably badly, but I would love for my husband to ask to read my work and show an interest. Unfortunately he's just not that into it. He would read if asked and say lovely things but it would never occur to him to show an interest off his own back.

Thing is, it's a big ask to make him read a book (he doesn't read much) and although it's only two shows a year in your case it still takes up family time. I don't think he's right to be sulky or rude and think he should at least say you've done well. BUT I also think you can't make him interested if he's not.

I'd be a little hurt if I were you, but you need to dance for yourself and fellow performers - not for approval from your family.

On the basis of this thread he does sound a little unkind/unthinking though, so I would also look at the bigger picture and see what else is bothering you. My husband is unfailingly supportive of my work and would always big me up. It's sad that yours wouldn't.

dreamingbohemian, I am not exactly domestic goddess so not doing household chores every day (working FT, children's homework, being in my 30s and needing rest and sleep, etc.). DH gets very impressed when I start cleaning unprompted, i.e. we are watching TV and I say that actually the hall needs to be swept as DS had left dirt from his boots. He gets almost turned on when I do the dishes. Basically he likes it when I am acting a traditional wifey. Truth be told, I am not like that often (see above) which is why maybe he appreciates it when it happens.

But he is still not praising me. He is pleased but I never hear compliments - even when I do something nice in the house, such as baking a tray of buns - unless I pointedly ask for his comment. He always sounds a bit ironic when I do something well. Like "well, look at mum, eh, not bad, not bad". He makes it in a jokey way so I am pretty sure he doesn't mean to sound mean (:)) but admittedly I would love to hear a sincere "this looks great".

Definitely not a group of mummies pretending to be Beyoncé in "Single Ladies" Awww Brandis! I'm a bit gutted!

Sorry KatoPotato, but to look good in that number you do need Beyonce's body and even she herself no longer has it.

Thing is OP, it is a bit odd to want the same kind of encouragement your DCs get. They're children - I think everyone would agree that to encourage children in their pursuits, whether those pursuits are particularly interesting or not, is a good thing to do.

But to treat a grown adult the same way, and give them a pat on the head for doing their hobbies? I don't get it.

This is what I was thinking. Watching adults dance can be quite tedious, unless dancing is something you're into yourself. I would say "well done" or something similar afterwards in OP's DH's situation, but I wouldn't be enthusiastic about going to the show. Although to be fair, I wouldn't let on that I was bored, his asking to go home straight afterwards is rude.

I dare to disagree. In my experience of attending numerous performances staged by DD's ballet school and dance school it was actually boring to watch children/teenagers unless your own child participated. Many were not good on stage as didn't have enough training/rehearsals or didn't have ability, and you cannot force younger children to try hard.

On the other hand, all adult shows I've been at have been made professionally and people actually put an effort into it so it showed.

Of course, there children's dance group which train professionally - but I still find adult ones more fun and interesting, speaking from a spectator's point of view.

I have had many dance instructors older than me and I have no doubt that they look brilliant on stage, much more so than many young dancers. And when you are covered in stage make up age does not show much anyway.

If someone isn't into dance, period, then it's a completely different matter. Fair enough. But then they wouldn't enjoy watching anyone, young, older or middle-aged.

So I do find comments about adult dance looking tedious (quite a popular word on this thread) somewhat strange. You are either good or you are not.

Eh?

If you find adult dance tedious then it doesn't matter how good the performance is, it is a test of endurance to have to sit through it!

Nice. I find watching children dance charming - whatever their ability.

Hobbies in a partner are an absolute nuisance if it infringes on what they are able to do to help the family. I've known at least two couples split up because of hobbies.

Kylie, JLo, Madonna are/were also adult dancers - are they tedious?

Viviennemary Hobbies in a partner are an absolute nuisance if it infringes on what they are able to do to help the family. I've known at least two couples split up because of hobbies

Damn right. I'd be tempted to start infringement proceedings against my DH if he turned into a dullard slob with no interests outside work.

So, you work full time, do the majority of the childcare and the housework?

By the sounds of it, he'd much rather you stayed chained to the kitchen sink. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

Personally, I would feel exactly the same, it sounds as boring as fuck. Possibly even annoying.

If he is facilitating this nonsense then he is supporting you, it's as simple as that.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people will get annoyed at someone who is supporting them, for not keeping their mouth shut enough, not keeping their head down enough and not pretending to be happy enough about it.

No - they are actors/pop stars who also dance.

Genuine question - are you actually comparing yourself with them ability wise?

Dudurama It never ceases to amaze me how some people will get annoyed at someone who is supporting them, for not keeping their mouth shut enough, not keeping their head down enough and not pretending to be happy enough about it.

How sad that some people's expectations of marriage are so low.

The adult dancers on the likes of BGT (can only mention this as this is the only way I come across them) are boring, sorry but it's just not what I like to watch. I dance, I love to dance. I can appreciate Beyonce, j-LO and all but a bunch of grown ups shaking their thing is not my scene. Like ventriloquists, don't like them either.

The ops DH should at least murmur the right noises about her hobby and be supportive but not everyone likes stage show dance routines.

I didn't say adult dance is tedious, but it can be, if it's not something you enjoy. There are plenty of people who do, I used to dance myself, but I've never enjoyed watching others dance.

I went to friends' dance shows regularly a few years ago when we were still in school and did enjoy them, but now I would be bored sitting through an entire show.

Again in the situation you describe in your OP, faked enthusiasm does become obvious quite quickly so I would say the show was great, but leave it at that to avoid hurt feelings. I still think DH asking to go home and such is rude and wouldn't say that myself. I do think he should show support, definitely, and not berate your hobby.

Regarding your dh getting turned on by your doing some cleaning, I'm practically ripping my clothes off if I see dh searching for the tool box (this would be once every two years, max).

Could you both compromise? Less attendance but at one show a year he could be stomping and cheering? My bil is a part-time musician and he has always been very needy about people coming to "support" him. God, I've had some terrible evenings.

I don't think the OP is expecting to be encouraged in the same way as a child is though. She is asking for him to show the same courteous interest in her pursuits as she shows in his.

His behaviour is rude and unkind and I would imagine he would be extremely hurt if OP was to be so dismissive of his achievements or interests.

I think the references to OP's DH encouraging the DC when they are involved in their pursuits show that the issue is not that he is the type of person who doesn't think to say anything in such situations. He does however choose not to say anything to his wife.

I cannot believe people think that the OP IBU to expect her DH to wish her luck when he drops her off or to say 'great show' at the end of the annual performance.

op you find adult dance interesting because it's your thing. I wouldn't because it's not my cup of tea. BUT I do think your dh is being a miserable fucker.

I watch my dp play footie (Sunday league) it bores me to tears but I still shout and cheer him on and I know he would do the same for me. We are each other's biggest supporters because we love each other.

I don't know why posters are trying to pick your life apart and pick you up on everything but then again MN has got miserable fuckers in it too!

There is nothing wrong with expecting a little interest of your partners. How very fuckng depressing if they open lye show they don't give a shit about some thing you love.

He sounds resentful and jelouse.

Your DH is a sexist arsehole.

He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. Well, diddums. You do plenty of that too.

You had a work trip and he kept going on about how difficult it will be for him to take care of the kids and "he will have to think about it". Do you make a fuss like that when he leaves you to look after the kids? No, thought not.

Asking if he can go home, complaining of a headache and sulking: is he thirteen?

He needs a kick up the arse.

Oh, and all you posters snarking about the OP being 'older' and dancing', 'poncing about', her dancing being 'tedious' and her being 'selfish' are coming across as a bunch of cunts.

If he is facilitating this nonsense then he is supporting you, it's as simple as that

Why because he is 'babysitting' their children. op facilitates him on his little trips. Some one supporting you does not make you feel shit about it. He is not supporting her.

*BrendaBlackhead: Could you both compromise? Less attendance but at one show a year he could be stomping and cheering?"

I only did three shows - one last year and two this year. The next one is likely to be in 2016. So not much attendance is asked of DH anyway. One "well done" 1-2 times a year should be manageable.

Thanks very much for your posts, I appreciate every single one of them.

Just to make it clear: it would be nice if DH was into dance but if he is not I am not at all expecting him to force himself for my sake. I do believe, however, that he is well capable of attending 1 show a year and showing support not because HE particularly enjoys it but because it is important for ME.

I really don't like ice hockey but if DH wanted to take it up and play in a "dads hockey tournament" once a year I would surely come and cheer for him and sit through the boring two hours. Moreover, my excitement would be genuine because it would not be about hockey but about him.