To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

curlyweasel: No - they are actors/pop stars who also dance. Genuine question - are you actually comparing yourself with them ability wise?

I thought the point was about the age, not about ability?

The adult dancers on the likes of BGT (can only mention this as this is the only way I come across them) are boring, sorry but it's just not what I like to watch.

We are nothing like BGT, not even remotely! We are a performing dance group which runs auditions, films professional videos and is reviewed by newspapers.

No - they are actors/pop stars who also dance. Genuine question - are you actually comparing yourself with them ability wise?

How spiteful, curlyweasel.

op don't respond to spiteful remarks. Sometimes people will go to great lengths to be mean and get a rise out of you.

Ah well Brandis, I can't fully get my head around your dances but good luck to you. I would still probably hate it but your DH should at least pretend to make encouraging noises. My DP would support me, even if he hated it.

Brandis- genuine question. If you are so good why are you not making money dancing?

Yep, this thread really does illustrate a bitchy tendency of a few to denigrate the efforts of others. Easier to do than get off their own backsides, I suppose.

FWIW I have seen no signs that the OP thinks she is comparable to Beyoncé or Kylie. Describing a hobby as "nonsense" and a taciturn dolt of a DH as "supportive" is like something your Victorian great grandmother would have come out with. Or Hobbes maybe - the life is nasty, brutish and short school of thought?

Get thee back to that kitchen sink OP!

It is completely irrelevant whether the OP's DH thinks her dance show is the most boring load of crap he's ever seen. It doesn't matter if two hours watching felt like three days. It is 3 times in 2 years and it means a great deal to OP.

It is rude and downright unkind not to say well done at the end.

If he had been watching a colleague performing, I doubt very much he would have met them in the foyer after the performance by saying 'I'm bored, can I go home now?' Why is it OK for him to show no common courtesy to OP because she is his wife?

If he genuinely has a problem with the hobby then he needs to say something to OP rather than sulking.

I enjoy watching other people's children dance, but I only enjoy watching professional adults dance.

My OH is hugely supportive of my fitness/exercise/hobbies but I wouldn't get huffy if he didn't want to watch.

I wasn't being spiteful. I was asking if the OP thought her ability was on par, because, if it is, then her DH is obviously being a churlish knob in not recognising talen (perhaps not Kylie as I've never really considered her a dancer).

I think the OP's DH is supporting her by way of caring for the children when she's dancing/training etc. What he isn't doing is encouraging her or recognising her talent... but that wasn't the original thrust of the post.

Why because he is 'babysitting' their children.

Actually yes - notwithstanding the way you phrase it obviously, but looking after the children IS facilitating your partner doing things.

It is on this basis that a mum or dad at home facilitates their partner's work.

Some one supporting you does not make you feel shit about it.

Hrm, I would agree so far as he could be polite and say "that's nice, dear" or "you look nice". Still I can see it from the other angle - if someone is giving you the time or money you need to have a luxury, perhaps a luxury they do not get, I don't see why they need to buy a set of pom poms and a ra-ra skirt and stand cheering you from the sidelines about it. It's not their hobby, they don't have to enjoy it, why should they pretend to?

If anything, the fact they are not invested in it, don't enjoy it, and but are still prepared to help get you out doing it is supportive.

I do see what you're saying, though.

Not that I think your show would have been a boring load of crap OP. But the idea that he his behaviour is excusable because dance isn't his thing is just ridiculous.

genuine question. If you are so good why are you not making money dancing?

Because I am not in it for money, I have a well-paid job.

And dancers don't make much.

I have to say OP the more I read the more I think you have a much bigger problem than him just not supporting you with the dance. He sounds very sexist and seems to have very preconceived ideas of what a woman/mum us supposed to do. And clearly dancing isn't one of them and not is it ok for her to leave the dcs with their dad for a weekend. Seriously a man, a dad, looking after his own dcs? How dare you?

This thread is a bit sad as many people, including the Op's husband seem to think that once a woman has children she should cease to do anything she actually enjoys or shouldn't have any existence beyond being a wife and mother.

DH and I both have hobbies the other one isn't into - when he's away doing his climbing I have DD and when I'm off doing AMDram etc he has DD - but the thing is a family is a set of people who are allowed to have their own existence. It is good for kids to see their parents as existing beyond the parental role and having their own interests.

When I did AmDram DH came to the performances and made comments and said if it was good or bad and how good my performance was - he knew I enjoyed it, he liked to see me happy. Ditto me looking at all his photos of "amazing stuff I've seen".

The other thing about hobbies is they provide good conversations. Often we discuss stuff as a family and DD can tell us about how someone fell over in dance class and the line collapsed, or they all got out of step, DH can talk about how his friends car broke down with all their kit and they got stranded and ended up in a barn etc etc...

It is important for adults to get praise and encouragement, even more than kids sometimes, I started weight training and DH was really supportive as he knew I have physical limits that really made it hard for me. He did not whine about how, when I was lifting weights, I wasn't making his dinner, how selfish would that be?

Families and partners should take joy from their partner or children enjoying themselves. I am very happy for DD to be in a dance show - I don't really want to see it as I hate tap dance BUT I will go and tell her she worked hard etc because that is what she needs to hear. Ditto DH and DD would come to the plays I was in to support me in what I enjoyed. Sometimes being a friend/partner involves supporting someone doing stuff that is a bit inconvenient but that's what makes reciprocal relationships work.

OP, I do think your husband is ungenerous and selfish and if you enjoy dancing, keep it up!

Also, on the angle of "a luxury he does not get", without knowing what's going on in his head, I can imagine this being the most smug and annoying luxury pastime possible.

I mean we'd all hear about it if a DH was foxtrotting around the place of an evening and weekend while some poor beknighted MN member was leading a life of almost Marian noble sacrifice, chained to fifteen kids and an ironing board and living off tins of beans to try and keep the family finances afloat etc.

Imagine if DH had the brass nerve to suggest our fellow MN member did not pretend to be happy enough about it?

"WANKER!" "LTB!" "CAVORTING BALLROOM BUMHEAD!" etc.

Curly, well you could have phrased it differently, because it comes across as really unpleasant.

But I do still find it perplexing that you seem to think that, as long as the OP isn't a world-class talent going cruelly unrecognised, it's OK for her DH to behave the way he does about her hobby.

Should read "I can imagine this being the most smug and annoying luxury pastime possible if there was any kind of resentment"

YANBU - personally I can't imagine much worse than watching adults perform dance at a theatre. But if my DP was doing it once a year, I would certainly take the time to support her and show my appreciation. As a bare minimum. OP - I think your expectations are more than reasonable.

Your dh is very rude. Miserable git. Even if he can't stand dance, he should be polie and supportive. You would be, if he was demonstrating his work.

Then by all means report me. I asked a genuine question for a genuine reason. I'm not being spiteful and I do understand what the OP is saying. She asked whether she was being unreasonable to expect support. My view is that she's getting support to do what she wants to do. With good grace? No, probably not. Is he encouraging her? Definitely not. Does he hold rather antiquated views? Most definitely. However, that wasn't the original question and most of the other revelations have been drip fed.

I thought this was AIBU, not everyone please agree with me.

there appear to be different types of people. a poster compared it to footie. if my dh was in a sunday footie league, for instance, there would be precisely zero chance of me cheering him on from the sidelines any sunday never mind every sunday
i literally can never imagine this
i would also think dh a sad sack if he either wanted or expected this

i would enquire as to the result and briefly feign a look of sympathy/congratulation. i would also expect him to ask how the kids had been and thank me for looking after them

ditto my hobbies, so dh and i are well matched in this

did your dh used to be different and has now changed?

Actually, your husband is an arse. I took photos at DPs gigs, I may have nipped out for a fag when the songs I couldn't stand were played but I supported him and made the right noises. Even when he hit me in the head with a flying drum stick. Twat.

Does he know how you feel? Have you asked him?

Well I must have a miserable old git too then- he would make himself scarce if I started dancing on stage or amdram.
It's all very.............self indulgent.

OP you say that you are a great dancer, in your 30s and only took up dancing " a few years ago" and dance only 1-2 hours a week.

I struggle to see how you could imagine yourself as a professional standard taking up dance so late and for such a little time and with such little comittment.

You must have some god given gift. I see how hard girls have to work. My DD had been dancing since she was 3 years old- 12 years ago, she does 16 hours of dance class, and I see the effort that she and the other teenage pu in to refine their art.

How you think you can be of a brilliant standard with such a small amount of work I just don't get.
Sure you must enjoy your jolly prancing, but I would struggle to watch you.

Your OH seems supportive enough.

I don't feel the need to report you, curly. I'm just disagreeing with you, stating how I think your comments sound and saying why.

And I don't think your question about the OP's level of talent has anything to do with answering her original question or with the drip-feeding.