To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

What sort of dance is it?

A dance show done by amateur adult dancers would be my idea of hell. That's because I have no musical or dancing ability - it seems to be a love it or hate it type of thing. I think you are right to participate in it if you enjoy it so much but I understand why your husband just struggles through it.

I think it is unreasonable for you to expect the same level of encouragement from him as he gives your children - in fact I kind of find it odd that you need him to be "proud" of you but maybe you mean pleased for you? I don't think an adult should need that level of encouragement from their partner. You are sounding like you are constantly looking for him to be as enthuastic about your hobby as you are and thats never going to happen.

I have interests that I do that my dh doesn't enjoy. He has interests that he does which I have no interest to me. He shows his support for me in making sure I have the time and resources to do my hobby. I do the same for him.

KatoPotato, it's a mixture of styles and there is always a theme, a message and intensity. Definitely not a group of mummies pretending to be Beyoncé in "Single Ladies".

Inkspellme, it may sound as if I am constantly looking for DH's enthusiasm because this thread is about it but in reality I don't bother him. It was just his lack of interest before and after the actual show - which happens once or twice a year - which sort of hurt.

As for proud vs pleased. I don't know. But when my DH played basketball in his late 30s I was actually proud of him being great at it and winning balls for his team. I am proud of him when he is awarded a grant at work. I was incredibly proud when he got his Professorship. And I always make sure to tell him just how clever he is when he succeeds at something. Never thought it was an inappropriate wife-to-husband attitude.

Tbh I struggle to think of a hobby which my DH might like and which I couldn't relate to or find enthusiasm for.

Wow...And I had a mini tongue in cheek strop because DP didn't have flowers delivered to the stage door for me last week(!)

I thought you were going to be in the same boat as me where your DP just doesn't crack on with any more than his exact share of the housework during show week and the laundry piles up... Clearly not.

Perhaps watching dance just isn't your DP's thing. He is very rude about it and that is unforgivable. How a grown man can be so impolite and selfish. I forced invited my DP to see me in Follies which is a wonderful but mightily up it's bum hyper surreal musical last year. He totally HATED it but still only said positives about my and the cast's performances.

This year I did Avenue Q! -much more up his street.

Just stop involving him OP. Don't invite him and you can't be let down by him. Invite friends, people who appreciate and enjoy dance. Enjoy your after show evenings in the bar and smile and make friends. If he can't be happy for you then don't let him bring you down.

Oh, my DP plays 5 a side football in a league. He trains with his team too.

He also plays some totally stupid computer game thing that I don't understand but I STILL care if he's enjoying himself and is happy and I ask him about it.

If he talks about tactics I compare his technical talk to my technical talk.
Sirening vs Some term I don't understand.
Neither of is has a clue what the other is talking about be we're happy the other one is happy.

If he is a Professor that makes it easier to understand, I think he's showing his intellectual superiority by being uninterested in dance. I have lots of colleagues who make a show of not being into popular culture, as if this makes them cleverer. I think it makes them look more stupid!

My DP does a photography related hobby. I do PhD research which uses up some free time. In both cases, we find a balanced way of showing each other support and interest in our passions. I make a point of asking to see his latest batch of photos because of the effort he takes. He asks how things are going after a hard day slogging at the keyboard. No big deal, it's just how we work in our relationship, "faking enthusiasm" isn't the point.

Brandis, from all your posts it is abundantly clear your DH is resentful, sulky and determined to be PA in an attempt to make you feel bad. Sadly he is getting the message thru and getting to be expert in negative vibes. What would it cost him to be supportive?

YANBU to feel disappointment at his reaction to you, but I don't think he will change. Keep enjoying your dancing, so you never look back and regret holding off your passion due to someone else's negativity. Do it for you, it sounds fun. His loss!

Yes OP, perhaps for your next performance, if you have been purchasing tickets for your family anyway, you could instead offer them to friends who are also interested in dance or fellow Mumsnetters? You really don't sound like a demanding diva to me at all. It's strange ...after our concert DH also wanted to leave quickly because DS (8) had been complaining towards the end of the show about hungry he was. I asked when DS had last eaten and he said five hours ago! So three hours before two hour show. I asked what he had eaten for lunch and it was a couple of slices of toast and an apple. I am befuddled why he wouldn't think to give him a proper lunch beforehand. It hurts a bit actually.

Yanbu op. He sounds like a kill joy. Enjoy your hobby but dont expect anything from him. He should be pleased that you are keeping I shape and expressing yourself.

He sounds like a grumpy sod, sucking the joy out if it for you.
He priorities you doing housework over your hobby. Nice.

Er, I compete in eventing and play rugby. The former does not interest my dh at all but the latter does as he plays to high standard. He comes to every match he can, gives a positive but critical breakdown of the game and will film bits of its - although he will also sneak onto sky go to watch some premiership games at times, because I just can't compete with that standard!! With the horses, I excuse him from the boring stuff, like dressage, but he does come to events. In fact, he took a day off work to come to one. And caught the train and taxi there as I accidentally drove off with his keys. He won't help get stuck in to mucking out, though, as he isn't into horses...

Likewise, I travel up to 2.5 hours to watch his matches and hang out with his friends having a beer and talking rugby.

Sometimes, the weather is shit, the Venue is old and shoddy, the match is lost... But we support each other and have fun. Your dh sounds like a dick if he can't find a way to support and enjoy your hobby, or if he can't find something he wants to do that you can support. And I know exactly what you mean about supporting dc but not you - because like all parents, You support your dc in all their activities and achievements (even when, to be honest, it's a bit crap, like am dram for under 10s) because you love them ans you love watching doing something they enjoy... Should be like that for the whole family! I hope you can find a way through this, but it does appear to be a smaller symptom of a wider issue.

I can see both sides of this. A few years ago I came to the realisation that anything I did (work achievements, voluntary work and a pt postgraduate course) had to be done for me and my own gratification alone as I would be waiting around a long time for any praise or complimentary remarks from DH. My pg course (directly work related) took just one evening per week which either DH was home for or fitted in with existing childcare. I mostly did the assignments during days of AL, in order to minimise the impact on DH - because I knew that he would otherwise resent it.

On the other hand, I also know the feeling of being the 'default' person at home and never being able to arrange much due to DH's unpredictable presence/absence. He works long hours, goes out a lot for work, travels overnight for up to 4 or 5 days at a time and has also recently taken up fitness, meaning that when he is home for an evening, he is seeing his personal trainer or doing his 'routine'. Meanwhile, I am struggling to be able to go to a weekly fitness class as I just can't rely on him to be around.

So I suspect that maybe he does feel a bit 'chippy' in the run up to performance, as twice a week plus Sundays is quite a lot. On the other hand, he can still retain his manners. 'Well done, are you ready?' would have been a lot better!

OK, I think he is a rude, self-absorbed, selfish twat.

Pull him up on it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

Seems like he doesn't think its right that he has to look after the children while you go galavanting about dancing on stage.

He doesn't like you dancing. He's not proud of your work achievements. He does say well done about housework and looks...

He's not coming across as awfully nice.

The more you post, the less pleasant your DH is sounding. Does he have any redeeming features?

You say when you talk to him about it he changes the subject - don't let him! This clearly really bothers you and it's not on for him to not be willing to discuss. Remind him of the sacrifices you make to enable him to do his travelling.

I wouldn't expect my dh to be that excited to watch me do my hobby but I would expect some common courtesy.

I love photography, I am pretty good at it too. I show my husband my photos and he makes the right noises then his eyes glaze over, but he does make the effort to pretend he is interested for a while.

Same as my crocheting. He makes the right noises, tells me what I am making is looking good and occasionally asks me how something is coming along. I don't think he actually really cares but he knows it is important to me.

Same for his botany. I ask him what he found today, he tells me what he found, what nature he has seen and gets really excited. I show interest because it means a lot to him and when his face lights up with enthusiasm I feel it would be rude to not act a little bit interested and I love that he has had a great time.

My mum has just taken up dancing, I have so very little interest in her new dance moves but I watch them all the same and give her credit where it is due and act interested, because she does the same for me.

YANBU OP.

you sound very different

he seems much more understated
for example, you praise his achievements to others but he just says 'you are fine'. the 'you are fine' is a typical british response imo, for fear of sounding boastful. i cant imagine ever mentioning promotions etc unless to his family. equally though, i just get on with my hobbies and he does with his.

for a while, dh did a lot of marathon training. i never took much interest or went to support him. tbh i did expect a fair bit of appreciation for being dumped with the kids though

I wouldn't expect my dh to be that excited to watch me do my hobby but I would expect some common courtesy.

Yes, that is what it boils down to doesn't it? When dh is telling me about his botany walks and what he has found I feel it would be rude for me to not take an interest or offer a 'well done' when he has spotted something rare etc. It is just common courtesy to be polite about it and say a few kind words.

After OP show his first words were 'can we go home yet' no matter how bored he was it is just plain rude and mean.

Just for comparison sake -- you say he compliments you on the housework. How does this come up and what does he say? Because it seems an odd thing to compliment someone about, when you think about it.

I also think the Professor angle is important.

It gives me the impression that he treat you a bit like an employee. After all, an employee wouldn't bring hobbies into the workplace. The workplace in question being your home...

I am shocked and horrified at the critical comments about you daring to have a hobby. Sort of like the little woman should know her place, and that is in the home, looking after the children. How dare she do anything for herself, and expect the support of her partner!

wrt the compliments on housework dh and i do this it is a shared house and nice to thank each other for work done. bit like compliments on cooking.

Oh don't get me wrong, I think it's nice to thank each other for doing stuff around the house, and we do that as well. And yes, I guess if I spent the whole day blitzing the house, DH would say, wow everything looks great. But the everyday stuff, I mean I wouldn't compliment DH on wiping down the counters so nicely, he wouldn't say wow great job on doing the laundry -- these are things we do every day without thinking really.

So I'm just wondering what kind of housework compliments the OP means, because I think it would be strange if he compliments her (not just thanking but praising) on routine tasks not requiring any special skill, but can't compliment her on things that actually require a lot of work and skill.

Just playing devils advocate here but watching dance and dance shows is mind numbingly tedious. DP loves to watch me dance but hates the dance acts on BGT and the like. Every single one. He will compliment me hugely on things I'm great at, things I'm learning or not so good at then he tells me straight - no bullshitting.

He was a pro musician and I went to his rehearsals and gigs and some are very VERY boring. There's the waiting around before and after and having to listen to his worries etc and the whole aftermath of the dissection of the gig. But then again I didn't mind as I love him.

Could he be bored, jealous or just normally not demonstrative?