To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

I get what you're saying Curly, I think we're kind of in agreement on the point that there is support there.

If he doesn't like it, well he is still supporting the OP's partner, not his own, I don't see why he has to like it.

For me there is an element of "and you'll like it, too! Now smile!" to all of this, and if the tables were turned it would be roundly condemned.

^supporting the OP's hobby, not his own. I can't type! :P

dudurama- I agree.

I don't think it's asking too much of a grown-up not to sulk, ask to go home and pointedly not even ask 'Did you have a good time?' when their partner is doing their hobby.

I think it makes not one jot of difference whether or not that partner or activity is a shining talent/'older'/'tedious'/not to the other person's personal taste. It is basic good manners that people would (one assumes and hopes) extend to a friend or colleague, let ALONE to a spouse or partner.

I am profoundly uninterested in some of the films and gigs my DP goes to and some of the things he does for interest. I can however manage to ask if he had a good time at them, and when I do go along to something he is doing I manage to restrain myself from asking to go home now like a child.

Don't know if the OP mentioned - is is some kind of "adult dancing" where technique is not so important?

Sorry but whatever dance style she is doing doesn't matter !!
It could be the most boring thing to you or her DH or whoever else, the thing is that it's just normal politeness to show some interest.
My DH has two hobbies I'm not really into. One if them I know nothing about do would struggle to ask any valid questions tbh. If I go and pick him up after his day long activity, it would never cross my mind to
1- sulk and act like a toddler asking straight away 'are we going home now?'
2- show no interest at all and not even asking how things went
3- grumble that I have to look after my kids on my own and take them to activities.
Instead I always ask him how did his day go, did everything go alright and a few other things. I even listen to him talking about said hobbies when I don't really follow half of it but it's clear he enjoys it, is proud if what he is doing. Why should I be happy for me? And polite?

Dudurama I think you have a different idea of what supporting means.
Looking after your own dcs 3 weekends in 2 years isn't really hardship is it? Nor is it that much support. It us even less if a support when it's done whilst grumbling and being unhappy about it. What it then says is 'I'm doing it but I'm deeply unhappy about it and you should stop'.

OP, your DH is sounding more unpleasant as this thread goes on. Even on the years when I didn't go to watch DH's performances, I still wished him luck and asked him how it went. I can manage to summon that much enthusiasm and interest even for a work colleague, let alone someone that I love. And DH will ask "How did it go?" when I come in from a committee meeting, which in general doesn't interest either of us!

I think your dh is pretty miserable. What is wrong with showing a bit of kindness to your dw? If the op had asked a friend to go along for a bit of support, it would be a bit off if, at the end, they just said 'can I go home now?'.
Since when has it been ok to be dismissive and rude to the person you love?

Hmmm... crosspost with OnlyLovers!

cornflake, you took the words almost literally out of my mouth.

Well he's doing something that enables her to do her hobby at all, if he withdrew that support, she would need to find the same support elsewhere.

How could that not, itself, be support?

Unless you mean that people should coddle a desperate need for other people to like your stuff, in which case no, I do not consider that supportive.

It's plain that for some reason he does not enjoy her hobby, or perhaps resents/disapproves of it. If he still supports her in doing it, and actively helps her do it, in my book that's OK.

Reminds me of a guardian when I was a kid, disapproving of my hobby, not coming in to watch, but still driving me there and back and facilitating because it was something I loved doing and part of my aspirations... not theirs. I didn't feel devastated.

^ I should say, I still see "that's nice dear" or "you look nice" etc. as reasonable good manners, I would do that.

I just don't think "liking stuff", or pretending to, is necessarily something we can demand of other people, it seems like that's getting into their personal space.

No one's really talking about pretending to like things though. Dudurama; people are saying it's good manners to show polite interest, as in the examples you give.

And it's quite plain from the OP's posts that 'support' does not begin and end, for her, with her DH looking after the kids (HIS kids) sometimes when she does it. She would feel supported if he occasionally asked her how it had gone, said she'd looked nice, or not sulked and whinged and asked to go home.

dudurama I don't agree looking after his own child support at all. He isn't doing her a favour. He is looking after his own children. Just like she does through the week - on top of her full time job.

"I'm going to stay home and look after the kids and let you know how fucking miserable I am and make you feel shit about it" is not support.

"Well done love" once a frigging year is.

We can't demand anything of anybody. But two people in a caring relationship should be able to muster a 'well done' .

Also the posters who are having a go at 'if your that good why arnt you making money.... - what a bunch of arses. People can be good at hobbies/sports/cooking with out being a bloody proffesional.

If you need it to do your hobby, it is supportive of your hobby.

We're just at cross purposes because we're talking about the difference between practical support and emotional support.

OP is getting practical support.

If support also entails some kind of emotional support (which may or may not be meaningless) that is really... defined at whatever level by the person receiving practical support, that person should ask for it. Just say "I would like x and y and z".

I don't think it's something obligatory, though. Why would it be? Enjoy your hobby yourself, and let other people like/dislike what they want, you know?

Spot on Stalequavers

He's an unsupportive arse. IMO.

My DH has a hobby. I find it exceptionally dull. However I encourage him to go, ask about how it went, and sometimes I go with him and have a go myself, despite being monumentally shit at it. It isn't a competitive activity, but if it was I would watch and cheer him on, and feel proud of him. He would do the same for me.

Surely that's not unusual? We love, support and appreciate each other.

The op husband is already in the house though,he has no hobbies of his own and seems only pissed off because he is there by him self. A situation that op sees herself in daily/weekly and does she moan about it to him?

Do I support my dp going to the gym three nights a week? No because I'm already in the house. I'm not actively doing anything.

Will dp be supporting me when I go away for a weekend with the girls? Yes because he paid for it and is arranging child care and taking time of work. That's supporting/facilitating.

Dudurama, yes, in one sense it's different kinds of support. I'd suggest, though, that an ordinarily functioning adult in a relationship with another decent person (as the OP sounds) might be able to figure out without being asked that their partner might like an occasional 'That was nice' or even, if they really couldn't muster up any interest in the activity itself, 'You looked like you were having a great time!'.

But I'd suggest that the lack of emotional support here seems to be calculated rather than due to genuine ignorance or lack of empathy. It seems, in another sense, very connected with the issue of practical support; the DH gets annoyed at having to look after the kids when the OP is doing her hobby and takes it out on her by snapping at her and sulking.

He also, and this is a wider problem, strops about having to look after the kids if she needs to go on a work trip.

^You are supporting someone in what they do, if you give them free time to do it when they have children they are jointly responsible for.

A lot of things rest on this concept that are pretty well accepted in modern society, and I think by a lot of MNers, including the idea that a SAHP supports their partner in their job to some extent.

OnlyLovers

It sounds to me like something he dislikes, disapproves of, or for some reason resents, to me.

(beyond just finding it boring)

I'm surprised at all the posters calling out the OP for selfishness.

I did a few dance shows in my 30s (pre-DC) and expected DH to come along and show support. Isn't it just what partners do? I turn up for his things and work events without a murmur too, even if I wouldn't choose to go if I were not married to him.

Dance shows may not be your DH's thing, but you're not asking him to go every week. I think it's poor form on his part not to muster a smile and congratulations.

Actually I think it's pretty useful to think in terms of practical and emotional support, as Dudurama just said.

The OP is getting quite a bit of practical support if he's watching the kids two nights a week, every week. She tried to skirt this originally by saying the kids were in bed but they're not really, he still has to do the bedtime routine and all that. He can't make any plans for himself those two nights. I think that's pretty supportive.

He obviously sucks at emotional support. What we can't know is whether this is because he's a miserable git, or because he resents the hobby and is being PA about it.

From the OP's reply to my question about the housework comments, I actually wonder whether the household stuff is fairly divided. Really, it's impressive to clean up a mess without being prompted? Does your DH feel he does more around the house than you do, fairly or not?