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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

359 replies

brandis · 09/11/2014 21:28

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 09/11/2014 22:09

I think that marriage is about delighting in your partners joy when they fulfill their dreams.

Watching your other half be happy and fulfilled is the goal.

Less than that, it's not worth having.

Watching people you love happy is fantastic.

Roseformeplease · 09/11/2014 22:10

My DH would not be paid a million quid to watch dancing - even if I was centre stage. Just as you would have to tranquilliser dart both of us to get us to a football match.

Why does he have to go? Surely he is supporting you by ensuring you can attend? If you are so popular, then you will get plenty of positive feedback and he can stay home and watch TV and feel proud of a wife with a hobby and a relationship strong enough that he doesn't have to pretend to enjoy something.

Original poster

brandis · 09/11/2014 22:10

Thanks for all your views. I guess he shouldn't need to pretend that he likes it - does it mean that other dancers' partners are being insincere when they express support? As I said we all are about the same age but all have a performing arts background. Really puzzled now...

OP posts:

simontowers2 · 09/11/2014 22:10

I really don't know brandis. I have played footy all my life to a (half) decent level and have never once been able to convince a partner to show even any remote interest. Cant blame em. As long as you enjoy surely thats all that counts?

StarlingMurmuration · 09/11/2014 22:11

Laurie, you either have a brilliant marriage or you've never been married! Perhaps the OP's DH would rather delight in her joy without having to watch it, play Dad's taxi at the weekend, and miss her during the week.

Snapespotions · 09/11/2014 22:13

A lot of people just don't like to watch dancing tbh. My DH will come along and watch my dd in order to be supportive, and he makes suitably enthusiastic noises, but it isn't really his thing. I think he'd lose the will to live if I started doing it too!

riverboat1 · 09/11/2014 22:13

I guess if he doesn't enjoy watching it, that's one thing. I can imagine lots of people wouldn't enjoy watching any kind of dance show, and might not be the type to readily fake enthusiasm.

But presuming you are already doing your fair share of childcare and ferrying around the rest of the time you are not rehearsing/performing (which it sounds like you are) it's not on for him to begrudge you your hobby because it means he has to look after his DC during those times.

whattheseithakasmean · 09/11/2014 22:14

Maybe the other dancers partners do enjoy it - it takes all sorts. Lots of people go to my mum's concerts, I presume many of them voluntarily.

Original poster

brandis · 09/11/2014 22:15

Rose, but I want my husband's feedback too. He is the most important person in my life, I want him to be proud of me when I look good and do well. Isn't what marriage is about?

He sounds way more excited and proud watching me cleaning the house. No, really.

OP posts:

theposterformallyknownas · 09/11/2014 22:16

brandis

Lots of dance schools and groups hire out theatres and charge entrance to cover the hire of the theatre, this has nothing to do with standard at all. Sometimes, we see things differently to others especially if we are in the middle of it.

One thing I did find interesting in your post is that you mentioned your dh was more encouraging to your daughter dancing, and why you would be surprised or bothered by this.

Surely children need encouragement and support for their hobbies and interests.

I can see how if you work ft are working towards shows twice a year, 2 rehearsals a week and sundays in the run up to shows it could be a bit much.

Snapespotions · 09/11/2014 22:16

Thanks for all your views. I guess he shouldn't need to pretend that he likes it - does it mean that other dancers' partners are being insincere when they express support?

Some might genuinely enjoy it, others might be being insincere. Everyone is different. It's a shame he isn't more enthusiastic, but don't think you can force the issue.

Original poster

brandis · 09/11/2014 22:18

Simon, well, I happen to love football and would in fact be very pleased if DH got into sports. Or any hobby at all. And would definitely work up enthusiasm to go go his game and cheer for him once or twice a year. Already doing it for DS every single weekend....

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/11/2014 22:19

I agree with Laurie and am quite surprised by the responses here.

Assuming this is all on the level, and the DH has time & opportunity to devote to his interests and that family life isn't being unfairly sidelined...

I get that some hobbies are tedious to some people and that hobby chat is always Unbearably Dull to outsiders. BUT if the person you love and share your life and your children with can't even be arsed to show up once or twice a year with flowers and compliments, then he is a twat.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/11/2014 22:20

The problem is he's not delighting in her joy, he's being parsimonious and moaning.

I hate dd's dance shows but her face when she does what she loves makes me joyful for her.

And yes, very happily married but for the second time, ex-dh did not care about my happiness or what I took joy in.

He should be happy she's happy - watching someone you love be happy is hardly a trial.

cornflakegirl · 09/11/2014 22:21

My DH used to have a similar sort of hobby. Again, the group was good, and would regularly sell out professional venues. I went most years, and it was okay, just not really my thing. I wouldn't have chosen to go to most performances if he hadn't have been in them. And I did resent losing our weekends to rehearsals in the run up to performances.

So YANBU to expect a well done. But YABU to expect him to fake excitement.

Snapespotions · 09/11/2014 22:21

OP, cheering on your children is a bit different to cheering on your spouse. Fair enough that you'd go and cheer your DH on if he started doing sports, but it sounds like he is doing the same with your dance shows - he does go, even if he can't pretend to enjoy them!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/11/2014 22:22

I am stunned that you mention the fact that he makes a bigger deal out of your daughters dancing. Jealousy there? Of course he does, she's a child, his little girl, the apple of his eye, she needs encouragement and support and probably looks cute, he gets to see his little girl develop and grow.

You, on the other hand, are a grown woman, not his daughter. It's perfectly natural for him to take more interest in her dancing than your amateur dance group tbh.

Don't take it to heart. A lot of men would find watching dancing the most boring thing on earth (except when it's their child, for obvious reasons). He doesn't need to congratulate you he is supporting you by ferrying the kids around/ doing the night shift with them while you are out. That is supporting your hobby.

Maybe you should encourage him to go out and do something for himself too btw. If he doesn't want to I it possible that, while he supports you in yours, he really would rather you were home with him?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/11/2014 22:22

i just saw this comment:

He sounds way more excited and proud watching me cleaning the house. No, really.

"watching me clean the house"

Chewbecca · 09/11/2014 22:22

In the unlikely event I took up dancing, I wouldn't expect my DH to come and watch, I know now he'd hate it.
I've just asked him in fact, he'd be fine if I wanted to do it but would stay home! He'd ask if it went well/if I enjoyed after.

Do you assume your DH will attend every show or do you ask if he'd like you to get him a ticket?

MollyHooper · 09/11/2014 22:26

I don't think YABU at all.

He doesn't have to love dancing to be supportive.

The fact that he doesn't say (at least) well done and give you a hug at the end of your shows makes him a big massive miserable fucker.

A little encouragement doesn't take much effort.

Original poster

brandis · 09/11/2014 22:27

The poster, I see your point and understand why DH can be resentful of the time I spend but it's my only hobby. I don't go out with friends much and my time is split between full-time work, school runs, DC's after school activities and the house.

DH at least gets to travel (which he loves a lot), about every 2 months, and in half of the cases he visits events by choice and doesn't get paid. I never ask him to skip anything even though it would mean a manic week for me with 4 school runs every day and commuting to London.

OP posts:

sanfairyanne · 09/11/2014 22:27

little kids need encouragement and support - of course he is more enthusiastic about your dd's dancing

if your hobby was birdwatching, would you expect your dh to watch you do it? or just let you get on with it? is it the performance you enjoy or the admiration it brings?

Passthewineandchocolate · 09/11/2014 22:27

It sounds like he could be more supportive. My husband is a musician and when I go to watch things he performs in they may not be my cup of tea but I'm proud of him because I love him. Sounds a bit mean that he can't be a bit encouraging.

Coconutty · 09/11/2014 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RevoltingPeasant · 09/11/2014 22:28

OP YANBU and I agree with Laurie.

DH sings in a local amateur choir. I always always go along to his shows and actively encourage him to attend rehearsals. I will continue to do so after Christmas when pfb is born, as I think it's really important for parents to have their own hobbies (within reason).

Similarly DH has come to support me when I did a half marathon and when I gave a public lecture. He reads reviews of my (professional) work even though he doesn't know masses about my field.

That's just surely what married people do for each other

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