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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think it's much easier being a single parent??

289 replies

Deckmyballs · 09/11/2014 01:56

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

OP posts:
Achooblessyou · 09/11/2014 11:27

Bianca you have a very blinkered view.

Like SOF my ex was the perfect husband until he hit 40 and a mid life crisis.

I used to be a smug married until he started going out on his own a lot and I found the texts...

Now he picks up and puts down the kids when he feels like it so I don't have a social life as it's hard to arrange anything in advance. It's a very lonely life. When I do get time to myself I usually clean, because life is so full on at other times with EVERYTHING to do with the kids and household being down to me plus full time work, there's not much time for the basics.

The other big point I want to make is that I didn't have kids to give them away at weekends, I wanted family time with them. Unfortunately that's not what my ex wanted. Today I'm upset because I wanted to go to church parade with them for remembrance Sunday but I've dropped them off and come home because I can't face being at church on my own amongst all the seemingly happy families. I've had countless other days like today. I want to cry but can't because I need to go out later (I'm also looking after elderly GPs) so I've had 10 mins on mumsnet to get that off my chest and now I'll crack on!

Smukogrig · 09/11/2014 11:27

My x changed too, quite quickly. Madonna/whore complex seems old fashioned and simplistic but its an ancient problem i think. Obviously i am older and wiser now.

Problem is we are in our childbearing years before we have acquired the wisdom!

KatelynB · 09/11/2014 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smukogrig · 09/11/2014 11:28

Achooblessyou, it gets easier...x

famalam · 09/11/2014 11:30

Not if you're skint

Achooblessyou · 09/11/2014 11:31

Thanks smuk! x

SonOfFlump · 09/11/2014 11:31

Are you saying that all men who turned out to be feckless nrps were amazing guys to start out with?

Clearly Avocado is not saying that and questioning whether she is is simply argumentative and baity. What she does seem to be saying is the offensive and sweeping generalisations made by Bianca and validated by YOU Memphis are unacceptable.

Smukogrig · 09/11/2014 11:31

Own your choices!

Good advice. I own mine. Not everything is perfect (what is perfect?) But im not complaining.
Trivial perhaps but im devorating atm and its lovely to just choose what i like not have compromise the whoe tome. Compromising used to be an argument followed by his way. Nightmare!

needtomanup · 09/11/2014 11:32

If you have 3 young children (you don't mention sn) you do have some time in the evening when they go to bed? or if they don't settle with baby sitters could you not put them to bed then head out for a while? What age are your children?

It will get easier for them to be left with babysitters as they grow older then you'll have your weekends abroad. I do understand what you're saying but you do come across thoughtless and insensitive. I'd give anything to have my own child, you're very lucky to have 3.

needtomanup · 09/11/2014 11:33

Lots of parent's with young children have a very limited social life as priorities change!

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 11:34

Why is anything that does not go with the majority deemed 'baity'?

I'm not goading, i'm just responding to the most recently written posts. Like you, like everyone.

If you don't agree with them then fine - that's the nature of AIBU. But like it or not, my opinion is as valid as anyone elses - even if it IS at odds with yours.

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 09/11/2014 11:36

Thank you to those in the thread that have understood and defended me throughout. I realised I'd get a bit of a bashing for this but to this extent?? Shock

OP posts:
WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 11:37

Anyway, on the subject of feckless NRP's I think MorrisZapp said it much more succinctly than I did.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 09/11/2014 11:38

So you knew you were being goady and decided to post anyway?

Nice.

avocadogreen · 09/11/2014 11:38

Walking I am offended, both as a single parent and as a feminist, at your suggestion that if a man walks out on his family it is the woman's fault for choosing a feckless bloke in the first place. The idea that of course, everything to do with the family, everything to do with child rearing, is the woman's responsibility and if it goes wrong clearly it's her fault for not seeing it coming. What's going to be the next suggestion? That if we'd put a bit of lippy on our husbands wouldn't have left us?!

famalam · 09/11/2014 11:39

Maybe you should have wrote "some" single parents

MNHQ
EllenMumsnet · 09/11/2014 11:56

Thanks to all who are keeping it civil and countering any points they disagree with in robust but friendly fashion. Flowers

flippinada · 09/11/2014 11:56

avocoado, I agree. Women being held responsible for men's bad behaviour is nothing new, unfortunately.

flippinada · 09/11/2014 11:57

Oh dear, fat fingers time - sorry avocado!

DownByTheRiverside · 09/11/2014 12:05

'Thank you to those in the thread that have understood and defended me throughout. I realised I'd get a bit of a bashing for this but to this extent?? '

Are you still thinking about divorce, as you were about a year ago?
Or have you resolved those problems that led you to that point and this is a new set of problems?
What stopped you opting for the 'easier' life of a single parent? can you build on that to enjoy together time as a family for a few years, until your children are older?

TooMuchCantBreathe · 09/11/2014 12:11

Deck, these threads take on a life of their own on aibu! Wrt your situation, get your dc used to a baby sitter, invest in a lock for your bedroom door along with dvds and a bottle of wine or whatever it takes. It's horribly frustrating watching things slide away from you but it's worse to look back and realise you let things slide away from you. Life gets in the way so you have to take active steps to change it. Sit down with dh and get a plan in place, that 1 night a week you take a bath together or something simple. Trust me it's a very short time until the dc are grown and not at all grateful for you investing everything into them (well not in practical terms anyway) don't be left looking around wondering what you have to show for it. Carve some of your life out for you!

MunningCockery · 09/11/2014 12:14

Deck I am an LP and WAS someone who saw past your (admittedly crass) thread title. But sweet Jesus, THIS:

'I also don't have the time to be ill' WTAF? Shock

Those slackos who get cancer or MS huh?

The poster whose 8 year old is tending to her stitches?

Me, shitting myself as I have a day op on Friday and am 'supposed' to be with an adult at home for the next 24 hours yet will instead be taking care of my child on Saturday and praying I don't pass out (let alone actually be cared for).

Are you having a fucking laugh?

dorasee · 09/11/2014 12:27

I like "swings and roundabouts" Grin
I was a LP for 7 years. It was tough going and for most of the time, I was superficially happy, but deep down incredibly sad, worried, and anxious. When I met my now husband, yes we had time to get to know each other during the odd weekend LO was with dad.But I wasn't just hanging out, having a laugh and out until 3am with my 'new fella'. I was serious about having a family, a rock solid relationship with someone I could weather life's storms with. I got that and more. Is it tough? Sometimes yes. Marriage ebbs and flows, raising 3 kiddos is awesome, good for you! But hey, it takes a swipe out of your intimacy (I mean closeness, not sexual).
Here's the memo that you need to read: Those nights out you long for...as a single parent, they're difficult to afford and I always felt a bit bummed when I came home. I'd see couples all loved up and I missed love, I missed coming home to someone waiting for me. Single parenthood is not a picnic and sorry, but it can be a bummer for kids, no lie. Don't lose your objectivity. You have a family and whether you're married or divorced, that role you have as 'responsible parent' doesn't diminish. And what is so wrong with being home by midnight for the babysitter? You're supposed to come home at midnight. Wink
It sounds like your relationship has gone a bit stale. They do from time to time. I don't know how to advise you from that point of view because I am not you. But try and really do some relationship soul searching. Good luck.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/11/2014 12:32

Me, shitting myself as I have a day op on Friday and am 'supposed' to be with an adult at home for the next 24 hours yet will instead be taking care of my child on Saturday and praying I don't pass out (let alone actually be cared for)

yes this was me 2 weeks ago - their dad had them but I had no one to stay with me so had to stay in over night - and then my ex decided our 12 year old was responsible enough to look after me Hmm

Is there anyway anyone can can have your child at all? CM or friend because I felt wiped out for 2 days - or is your child old enough to get on with things? Please look after yourself xxxxx

PlantsAndFlowers · 09/11/2014 12:33

Haven't read the thread. I am a lone parent 50% of the time and free as a bird the rest.

It's much easier being a working single parent than with someone who doesn't support you.

I am sure this might be different if my ex were not keen to have DC.

YANBU