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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's much easier being a single parent??

289 replies

Deckmyballs · 09/11/2014 01:56

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

OP posts:
SlightlyNerdyPianist · 09/11/2014 11:00

some of whom decided to have children with feckless arseholes in the first place

Yes, becasue the completely blameless 'feckless arseholes' just fell and tripped onto these women. Naked. Not their fault at all.

Llareggub · 09/11/2014 11:00

Bianca, your post is almost as insulting as the OPs.

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 11:03

Do you think we actually chose life like this?

This thread is just full of contradictions.

There are quite a few posts stating that being single is preferable for them, they've chosen it, they have no desire to be in a relationship. So yes, according to past posts, some people have chosen life like this.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 09/11/2014 11:03

Bianca that is a horrible post. I did not choose to become a single parent :( and I highly doubt anyone would have a child with a 'feckless arsehole'

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 09/11/2014 11:05

I'm in no hurry to get a partner NOW, and I've no desire to be in a relationship NOW unless it's the right relationship. That doesn't mean I chose to be a single parent.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/11/2014 11:06

frank and Bianca have you given any positive advice to the op or just attacked those that have understandably got defensive and pointed out a few home truths is that so wrong

op why not sit down with your dh and discuss what plans you can make for you both and something you can do as a family and maybe having a little time for you to have to yourself

many of us struggle (single or not) with children that do not like to be left with others but at times it has to happen you have to ignore their tears its horrible for the vast majority it settles down after a while

BiancaDelRio · 09/11/2014 11:06

So all these men mentioned on this thread who are so awful they don't see their kids were once lovely, responsible, viable options for having children with?

Yeah right.

We make choices and we live with the consequences. Who we have children with is one such choice.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/11/2014 11:07

oh ffs I still smell Hmm

I choose to be single now Memphis ...because the man I loved and married and had 3 children with ripped my whole world from under me by having an affair - it destroyed my life and almost destroyed me - I wont put myself or my children through that again - so I stay single - it's not a fucking contradiction I didn't choose to loose my marriage

ghostyslovesheep · 09/11/2014 11:08

Bianca you have nothing of value to add here you are just being goady - please go and goad elsewhere

TooMuchCantBreathe · 09/11/2014 11:09

Bianca that post is disgusting and far worse than the op. Yes there has been some frothing here but there's no call to respond like that. Especially not applying your venom with such broad brush strokes. The op was obviously ill thought out and a silly thing to say, your post is just nasty.

Sirzy · 09/11/2014 11:10

Most single parents I know deal with the shit that comes with it without much complaint - until threads like this where people try to proclaim that they have it nice and easy or even worse they are to blame for the things they are having to deal with.

Life isn't all rosy for most parents whatever the situation, but the key is how you deal with what life throws at you. To try to insult those who are in a different situation to you does nothing to improve your own situation but does alienate you from people who would willingly provide support if you thought before you posted.

It must be so great for posters like Bianca to be able to see into the future and know exactly what is around the corner. Makes life so much easier but unfortunatly us meer mortals don't have that ability

FreudiansSlipper · 09/11/2014 11:11

I think what many of us what we are saying about staying single and happy that way is that having a relationship is not a priority we manage without a partner in our life it is not a need

and of course many have come out of awful often abuse relationships so moving on from has made many happier does not mean their are not struggles too

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 11:11

Bianca's got a fair point, just not one that will be acknowledged on this particular thread.

You only have to look at other threads at other times and you'll get plenty of posts along the lines of 'Op Why are you TTC with this absolute bellend?' Yet some women still go ahead and do it.

NOT every father (not even the majority IME) who turns out to be a useless, selfish, uninterested NRP started out as a just-swell guy.

SonOfFlump · 09/11/2014 11:13

I wont put myself or my children through that again - so I stay single - it's not a fucking contradiction I didn't choose to loose my marriage

Precisely.

Actually Bianca my ex was a lovely, lovely guy until I got ill during pregnancy, at which point he changed dramatically and seemingly overnight.

MorrisZapp · 09/11/2014 11:17

I know quite a few single parents who knew fine well that their DP was pretty useless but overlooked it as they wanted kids and felt this was their chance.

There are also lots of MNers who remain in crap relationships with husbands who do jack shit for their kids or around the house, who have three kids etc. Begging the question, did you not notice how crap he was after baby number one, number two etc.

Sorry, I do have lots of sympathy for lone parents, I am a product of a split home myself. My siblings have split families. But with respect, in those subjective and anecdotal situations around me, anybody could have told them exactly how it would pan out. And it did.

So no, I don't accept that in every case, loving supportive men became crap and feckless after the children arrived.

Brittapieandchips · 09/11/2014 11:17

In my case, it is easier, actually.

I used to have four evenings a week by myself anyway, except XH was in the pub drinking our money. The rest of the time was a lottery as to what mood he was in, and I still did most of the childcare even when I worked more hours because he would always find a way to get out of it. Unless anyone was watching, when he would be Mr Perfect Dad. I could go on.

Now he can't avoid looking after them when he has them, and I can manage my own house and money and have friends round when the kids are here. I have a lovely boyfriend, but he'll never live with us as I'm not giving up this independence :-)

I realise not everyone is the same, though.

flippinada · 09/11/2014 11:17

Speaking as a single parent myself, I think that the OP was thoughtless rather than malicious.

Some of the posts defending her are remarkably vicious and spiteful.

Smukogrig · 09/11/2014 11:18

Im a sngle parent and I envy single parents who co-parent amicably. My x takes the kids four afternoons a year! I have to pay a babysitter everytime i go out.

If u feel like this in yr marriage, it is a sure sign uwould be happuer apart. I remembering envying single parents too. Ive no regrets. No help mind yiu , but n regrets

CinnamonBuns · 09/11/2014 11:21

To be honest it's easier for me.

I don't have to cook for him anymore.

I don't have to beg/haggle with him to do bath/bed/park trips.

The resentment of being with someone so utterly selfish is huge and caused me a lot of stress.

Now I know it's just me, I'm more relaxed

TooMuchCantBreathe · 09/11/2014 11:22

Memphis, don't talk hooey. Bianca has been disgustingly nasty and presumptive to say the least. Yes some people make poor choices in partners, to suggest that is the majority of single parents is ridiculous, to imply they somehow deserve the crap for making that choice is bang out of order.

Fwiw my ex was marvellous, still is apparently. People can't believe I kicked him out. Which is odd because they all know why he was arrested but it seems being the guy who buys the drinks at the pub over rides having ss visit the new gf to say "leave your kids alone with him and we'll take them away" (or words to that effect) It's amazing what people will gloss over.

avocadogreen · 09/11/2014 11:22

Bianca and walkinginmemphis I'm finding your posts even more offensive than the OP.

My exH was my university boyfriend. We were together for 15 years. He was a caring father and, before the shit hit the fan, a good husband. Then he had an affair and left me jobless with 2 kids while he fecked off to London with his new young girlfriend.

People change. But to be honest even if he had been feckless from the beginning it wouldn't matter- the end result would be the same.

I'm just once again Shock at tje amount of women-blaming that goes on on this site.

Smukogrig · 09/11/2014 11:24

Wow....

My family is what it is amd we (inc my x) owe nobody any explanation or justification for the way things worked out. We are all happy as individuals. I dont owe anybody any explanation for why i had children with an asshole. Later, my children perhaps, but they dont think he is an asshole!

Some people clearly very unhappy with their own lives.

flippinada · 09/11/2014 11:24

In my case, it's easier because doing it on my own is preferable to living my bullying, emotionally abusive ex.

Anyway, I think now would be a good time to point out that many men who turn out to be abusive often escalate (out even begin) that behaviour during pregnancy, precisely because the woman is more vulnerable and they've got her where they want her, so to speak.

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 11:26

I'm sorry you're offended avocado but I really can't see why.

Are you saying that all men who turned out to be feckless nrps were amazing guys to start out with?

Bonsoir · 09/11/2014 11:26

I do actually know plenty of families where both partners have DC from their first marriage but don't have DC together. They have all their DC together EOW, thereby having EOW free for adult couple activities - weekends away etc. If they negotiate carefully they get a month of DC-free time in the summer and half of every school holiday too. Sometimes even the weeks are split such that a couple of nights are regularly child free.