To think it's much easier being a single parent??

[Deckmyballs]

So I'm with DH of 5 years, together 10. We have 3 young DC. Neither parents able to do childcare. We haven't had a night out together in a year. And even then it was a 'must be home for midnight' affair.

I know people who are single parents. They have relationships. They share childcare between the dcs father/mother. They have regular moments alone or alone with their new partner.

AIBU to think it must be much easier to sustain a relationship outwith that with father of dc?

Fyi I am with DH father of dc but don't feel I know him or spend time with him at all. I feel like if I had a relationship elsewhere at least id actually have a relationship with them...

Perhaps you should read the thread then!

Can't be arsed . From the tone of the latter posts it's full of competitive moaners.

Those slackos who get cancer or MS huh? It should be pretty obvious from the tone of the rest of my post that that was most definitely not what I meant at all. People don't get ill because they somehow have the time for it do they? Saying you don't have time to be ill either (which was the op's original comment, not mine) is another way of saying that we would be competently stuffed if one of us got ill, the same as it is for most people.

So no, I wasn't having a laugh but rant your anger at me if it makes you feel better.

as someone else says swings in round abouts. im a single parent without any support from the father he does not see them at all so there is no sharing of childcare. its all down to me. its only been the past year that i can pop out now and then for a couple of hours and thats because my 17 year old will look after the kids. Thats also hit and miss because shes young herself and depending how the younger 3 behave or her mood as well i could have to be called back.

on the other hand when i have been in a relationship its often been like having another kid about.

It is your choice not to prepare your children so you can use a baby sitter.

Choice

Perpendicular My post was to OP (think that was reasonably clear???) so no clue why the 'rant' your anger at me if it makes you feel better'. I was - and remain - simply jawdropped that someone could write something so frickin stupid. If you have a problem with that then it's yours, not mine.

Vis your other comment, having been both married and an LP am pretty well placed to flag the obvious fact that if there are two of you and one of you gets sick then that's a 50% hit vis how 'stuffed' the situation is, vs. a 100% hit if there is only one of you.

Ghost No, there isn't anyone else who can have him. I really appreciate your good wishes as I am absolutely bricking it (is full anesthetic so know will be both groggy and weak) so thank you

One of my closest friends is a single parent. Her "D"H left her for her best friend (cliche alert!) when she had twin DDs (aged 2) and DS only 10 months younger. Despite him being an arrogant arse, she missed the financial, emotional and practical support of him just "being" there. Fast forward 10 years on and she is much more in control and is in a new relationship but those early years nearly cost her her sanity.

Yabu. If your relationship is shit then of course it's better to be a single parent. But being a single parent doesn't buy you free time or a social life if you didn't have one before. I have no help with childcare other than my paid childminder. I have to work all day, pay all bills Inc childcare, do all the housework, diy etc it's not some utopia being a single parent. I laugh that you think I have time to find a new relationship or that I'd want one most of the time I'm knee deep in lego and trying to tidy the house, let alone myself I'd scare any men

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1949636-On-the-brink-of-divorce-I-think

This might explain the OP. It is easy to think the grass is greener the other side when your view is clouded by your own issues. Work on fixing issues in your relationship OP if you can. Your life might be easier as a single parent or it might not but that is not really the issue, is it?

Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

I'm truly a single parent 100% by choice.

Well not 100%, because I would actually prefer to have a supportive partner but contrary to what OP sees as utopian single life - finding the time and the energy and a partner who wants to take on a ready made family isn't quite as simple as she seems to think.

I adopted as a single parent and you don't get much more "by choice" than that. I'm very happy with my life, my DS is wonderful, I manage though it is a struggle financially and sometimes emotionally and certainly the housework is rarely done and trying to fit in work between school hours and evenings whilst juggling favours from friends to cover meetings that are outside school hours can be a nightmare. Particularly when you have an ill parent who goes through phases of needing support as well.

I know how draining it can be having small children when you have little time to yourself, whatever your position, single, married, partnered up. I'm very sympathetic to people who are struggling. Because I have some empathy.

You don't seem to have any, OP. You seem bitter and resentful of anyone who you think might be having an easier time than you and for some bizarre reason you appear to aspire to single parenthood as the easier option.

You haven't seen given a particularly easy time on here because lets be honest you've hardly "earned" it, have you? I have no obligation to be sweetly polite to someone who looks at the tiny number of things that I might have easier than someone with a partner and extrapolates that to how much easier it is to be a single parent. It crass and unthinking and when you were challenged on it you didn't even have the grace to admit that you were probably being unreasonable but instead took the opportunity to continue being snippy. Bizarre.

I'm a probably a great deal older than you (based solely on your comments) and I still have enough empathy to hope that you never have to find out how much "easier" it is being a single parent.

((((Munning)))) it doesn't get much tougher does it x good luck - I am in the Midlands if there is anything I can do to help ?

If the other thread is anything to go by then op yanbu to think that being a LP is better than the place you are in if nothing has improved since that thread. I have been lonely in a relationship before and its horrible.

Well, when it is more acceptable for women to be single, then we'll get fewer women "ttc with bellends" to quote a poster upthread. When women are allowed to make a mistake, and when women are allowed to be unapologetic about having made a mistake (as I am!) then there'll be few women ttc with bellends.

I'd like to see more women like Kewcumber take control. Sitting around waiting for a decent man to have a child with is frustratingly passive and often completely elusive.

Also, like kewcumber says, you have to pity the sad place a poster is coming from if they grudge the single parent the advantages she has in her life that are borne out of being single, because you can't pull a good man out of hat, but you can get rid of a partner if you would rather be on your own.

Don't be so ridiculous, OP. How insulting to single parents.

There will be those without contact or support of an ex partner too. Not everybody has the perfect co parenting relationship with their ex.

Have to wonder why some people have children and then have this martyr attitude for the next twenty years.

at your suggestion that if a man walks out on his family it is the woman's fault for choosing a feckless bloke in the first place. The idea that of course, everything to do with the family, everything to do with child rearing, is the woman's responsibility and if it goes wrong clearly it's her fault for not seeing it coming

Avocado - I've not said that.

But I do disagree with the posters who seem to be insistent that all feckless fathers start off as amazing, caring, supportive dads and partners. They don't, as is evidenced on mn over and over and over.

Some people - women and men - have kids with people who are already arseholes, no use, and no help. Then seem surprised when they end up single because the feckless oh amazingly never did change and fucked off and left them to pick up the pieces.

Everyone has a responsibility to decide who to have children with.

There are no martyrs like the MN single parents (some of whom presumably played some part in becoming single parents and some of whom decided to have children with feckless arseholes in the first place)

Wow. Just wow. What's it like up in your ivory tower? Is the view nice? Does it feel good to know you're better than all of those people below you?

Munning I hope you manage okay.

I had to cancel a small op under sedation because I couldnt have someone stay with me and someone deal with DD at the same time.

And OP, I have been alone for 10 years now, no sign of a new relationship and if I did manage to attract someone, have very few people who would babysit for me to go somewhere and spend any sort of alone time with them.

I am sorry you are feeling disgruntled with life, but the grass really isn't greener on the other side

My situation wasn't like that Memphis. My ex really was lovely. Then he changed while I was pregnant and became abusive. He wasn't willing to share me and resented our dd. Things got worse and worse until I had no choice but to end the relationship.

According to the literature I have read it is very common for things to change when a woman becomes pregnant, it seems to make some men change drastically.

I really do think that the women choosing to have children with men they know are arseholes are very much in the minority to be honest.

Some single parents have good relationships with their ex. They pay good maintenance and are very hands on with the dc. These are the people that the op is referring to, not those who have parents who have fucked off or don't pay for their dc.

However, I wouldn't choose to be a single parent. Not for the hard work of child rearing as this wouldn't be too different for me at the moment as DH works long hours so am on my own for much of the DC's waking hours anyway, but for the lack of adult conversation, someone to talk to after a bad day and yes, the occasional lay in, family day out.

I wouldn't want to be a single parent who does not have an ex to rely on for all the tea in china. Hats off to you all.

OP: I make time for me and DH. We do have a good support system and have my parents who look after my dc overnight, but I would pay for a sitter if I didn't have this. It is far better for your DC to stay with a sitter once a month, than have their parents split up. The rest of the time, we make do with a take away and a bottle of wine or DVD after the DC are in bed. Try to get your DC's into a better bedtime routine as that is the most important thing in our house. You do need to make time for your DH and if you want to then it should be easy to do.

I also have 3 dc including 1 with SN, 2 jobs, volunteer work and run a dance class one night a week. I also do most of the housework, paperwork etc so it can be done. Just needs both of you to put some effort in.

There are no martyrs like the MN single parents goodness, that's more than a little bit of a sweeping generalisation a la OP!

I don't totally understand why women picking feckless men is the point? You might well have picked a bad'un 10 years earlier, waking up and having the sense to not spend the rest of your life paying for your youthful misjudgement doesn't mean that coping on your own is miraculously easier Memphis.

Do you think that anyone who made a poor decision should suffer for it for ever or do you merely want those woman to prefix any opinion with "My name is X, and I have poor judgement in men" so you can steer clear of the deficient ones?

I'm not totally sure what your point is.

As it happened I saw my own father descend from seeming perfectly normal man to totally feckless arsehole after my parents were married for 35 year.35 years

Of course it was probably my mothers fault for not spotting it 35 years before

Here you go, Deckmyballs ... have my very first

Ghosty thank you, that is so lovely of you but I'm in the Home Counties so miles away!

AmI

These are the people that the op is referring to, not those who have parents who have fucked off or don't pay for their dc.

I know people in this position and even though on the surface its fine and certainly better than being married to someone you don;t want to be with but:

1 - you are almost inevitably worse off - supporting two households with the same amount of money as you had for one means something has to give.
2 - even though it sounds appealing to have your children 50% of the time with someone else. Is that really what you want - to have your children living away from you half the time so that you can go on a date with a boyfriend every week
3 - coming to mutual decision about schools, phones, homework after school clubs etc with even an amicable ex is a great deal more problematic (if only because of differnt home locations) and in some situations nightmarish
4 - spending every other Xmas, new year, birthday etc away from your children
5 - having to make the decision if and when the children will meet a new boyfriend or your ex's new girlfriends is also fraught with worry not to mention if either of you have new children which adds further pressure to the situation
6 - when you are with the children you are still a single parent - trips to A&E in the middle of the night on your own, throwing up in the middle of the night on your own etc

If your life is worse than this (and who knows it may well be) then leave and deal with being a single parent.

This OP reminds me of those people who have said to me over the years how much easier it would be to adopt

I'm on the Surrey/London borders Munnings if thats any help?