to think my husband is shallow?

[StellaBelly]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and really struggling with exhaustion. This week I had a mild bleed, and after taking advice from the hospital, came home from work early to take it easy/be nearby in case it got worse. When I got in I changed out of my work skirt into leggings, and put some chunky socks on. Later that night in bed, my husband wouldn't give me a cuddle. When I asked what was wrong, he said he wanted me to look nice, suggested we go clothes shopping and said he wanted me to make an effort to look good for him. I pointed out that how I looked perhaps wasn't my priority that day after the scare of seeing blood, and he said it wasn't just that day, it's all the time. I started crying, called him insensitive and unsupportive and said maybe if he did more to help I wouldn't be so bloody knackered and might have some time to spend on my looks. Long story short, the row escalated and he said he can't possibly spend the rest of his life with such an emotional mess. We haven't spoken in three days, and in fact I haven't even seen him as he's been staying out late. AIBU to a) feel upset that he thinks my looks are a good enough reason to be off with me, especially given the circumstances; and b) want to just tell him to f*ck off and good luck to him if he can find a woman anywhere who won't wear comfy clothes when pregnant and shattered?

Sorry for the rant- can't talk to anyone about this.

[ZenNudist]

Er... LTB? What's the point In Keeping him around? Your relationship is on the way out. I can't even understand how you got to this point with him if he's so vile. Did he have a personality transplant when you got pregnant?

Seriously, life is hard enough with a new born without a toxic partner. Do you have any other options for supporting yourself? Move back in with family?

[confusedandemployed]

Yep. Iceberg. He is a cunt.

[Tinkerball]

What was your relationship like before your pregnancy? This level of nastiness doesn't just happen overnight. It's emotional abuse. Unless you seriously want to live your life being abused by this excuse for a husband leave now.

[Tinkerball]

I take it this is your first baby together? It will only get worse once the baby is born. Pregnancy is a hugely emotional experience for a woman but it is also one of the times in a woman's life she is more at risk of abuse from her partner for some reason.

[pictish]

He always says that he's just expressing his opinion and it's my choice to get upset and make a scene because I'm unpleasant, depressed, I have anger issues, and no control over my emotions.

Well isn't he just an utter wanker?

Translation "I will say hurtful things to you, criticise you, put you down...and you will suck it up. Your role is to please me. Do not expect to have ideas of your own. If you dare to express displeasure at what I have to say, I will dismiss and ridicule you further."

Good luck with this piece of work. You're going to need it. Sorry.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Can you not get him to move out ? Seriously, he has told you he is a twat and doesn't want to be with you any more. He should be the one who goes.

[Antoniabegonia]

Yes, at the moment it's not an option to leave until the baby is born unless you have supportive parents who can offer you a home?

It may be when the baby is born his priorities change and he becomes less of a shit more supportive.

If he doesn't then don't waste any more of your life on him.

[Fairenuff]

OP you are in an abusive relationship. Take your time and start finding support. Look after yourself. This is likely to get much worse after the baby is born, he won't help and he will complain that you are putting the baby's needs first, which, of course you will because it's the right thing to do.

Come back for more advice when you need it, there are lots of people here who can help you when you're ready to accept the help. Good luck with the baby x

[MajesticWhine]

I just can't think of anything to type that expresses what a total arse this man is. Sorry OP.

[YouAreMyRain]

I think that there's a good chance he is planning to sleep with someone else and is setting it up so he can blame you for it. He may already be sleeping with someone else.

Even if he isn't, he's a total and utter horrible excuse of a man. So sorry OP

[pictish]

Oh and the incident with the leggings? Appalling.
He's not shallow - well he is, but that's just the tip of the iceberg...he's cold.

[Sickoffrozen]

Unfortunately this type of behaviour mainly from men is played out in homes all over the world. Some men really do think that women were put on the earth to please them and sadly women all over the world put up with it. You have already started making excuses for him "he is good fun to be around"...he probably is when you are pleasing him! Is he such good fun when you are not?....clearly not as he has fucked off for 3 days leaving you in a state with only a few weeks to go until your baby is born! He will probably come back and you (not he) will want to make it work as women often do and will go overboard to make him happy again and he gets what he wants. Baby will arrive and before you know it the same pattern will repeat itself. In my mothers case it repeated itself for 45 years!

Life is no fun with emotionally abusive men and what he has done would be enough for me to leave, 33 weeks pregnant or not.

This won't end well OP, it never does with men who don't respect women.

[PacificDogwood]

My first thought on reading your OP was that he is having an affair and is trying to 'pick a fight' with you so you will leave him, rather than him having to be the 'bad guy' by leaving his pregnant wife.
So sorry. I hope I am wrong.

He is an utterly unpleasant, emotionally manipulating prat - I don't care how much 'fun' he can be at other times.

Is this your first child?
I would be planning or at least thinking about an exit strategy (and if you end up not needing it all the better): abuse so often escalates during pregnancy , and I think you'd be wise to consider ALL your options in the next few weeks.

[clam]

"When we're getting on, which is most of the time, we get along brilliantly."
You mean, when you're on top form emotionally and looking good? Did he not get the memo in your wedding vows about "in sickness and in health?"

Arsehole. Do NOT let him get away with this.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Why can't you talk to anyone about it? The fact that he is a shitty person is his shame not yours. No one will think any less of you, they will think a lot less of him though. No one on here is telling you to pull yourself together and doll yourself up, this is all your fault. Everyone sees his behaviour for what it is.

[pictish]

I agree with sickoffrozen.

[pictish]

This whole "doesn't want to be with me any more" performance is designed to put you firmly in your place. He will be expecting contrition from you.
You have already said he complains about your clothes and chooses what you wear.
He thinks he owns you.

[PecanNut]

OP, have you anyone in real life you can talk to about this? Maybe a supportive friend or relative?

If one day you decided to leave in a hurry, do you have somewhere to go?

How are your finances arranged? (Make sure they stay as separate as possible and don't make any big purchases together for a while)

Glad to hear your baby is safe.

[RandomFriend]

A. YANBU, I am sure you looked lovely in your leggings and comfy socks, that's the perfect thing to wear when wanting to relax whether pregnant or not. If he cannot see that, then yes, he is shallow.

B. YANBU. As other posters have said, his attitude here can only get worse.

Making you feel bad by denying you a cuddle is withholding affection, which is a form of emotional abuse.

[lemisscared]

Yousay you wont leave while expecting a baby? So you are happy for your child to grow up thinking this is normal?

It's not going to change. Well it will actually. It will get worse.

He WILL be jealous of the baby because it will mean you will have less time to serve him. He will probably isolate you from friends and family (if he doesn't already). He WILL Destroy your self esteem.

You WILL be a poorer parent because of this. You WILL be unhappy and as a consequence so will your child.

Leave now before you sentence your baby to a life of insecurity and anxiety and you lose your identity even more

[DinnaeKnowShitFromClay]

No he is not shallow he is what Patrick the first reply said.

[RandomFriend]

He says... it's my choice to get upset and make a scene because I'm unpleasant, depressed, I have anger issues, and no control over my emotions

This is victim-blaming. He is being nasty to you and then blaming you for feeling bad in response to something he has said.