to think my husband is shallow?

[StellaBelly]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and really struggling with exhaustion. This week I had a mild bleed, and after taking advice from the hospital, came home from work early to take it easy/be nearby in case it got worse. When I got in I changed out of my work skirt into leggings, and put some chunky socks on. Later that night in bed, my husband wouldn't give me a cuddle. When I asked what was wrong, he said he wanted me to look nice, suggested we go clothes shopping and said he wanted me to make an effort to look good for him. I pointed out that how I looked perhaps wasn't my priority that day after the scare of seeing blood, and he said it wasn't just that day, it's all the time. I started crying, called him insensitive and unsupportive and said maybe if he did more to help I wouldn't be so bloody knackered and might have some time to spend on my looks. Long story short, the row escalated and he said he can't possibly spend the rest of his life with such an emotional mess. We haven't spoken in three days, and in fact I haven't even seen him as he's been staying out late. AIBU to a) feel upset that he thinks my looks are a good enough reason to be off with me, especially given the circumstances; and b) want to just tell him to f*ck off and good luck to him if he can find a woman anywhere who won't wear comfy clothes when pregnant and shattered?

Sorry for the rant- can't talk to anyone about this.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

What a cockwomble. Hope you are ok today.

Do you think it is possible there is someone else? (sorry)

Is there anywhere you can go, family maybe, to stay for a couple of days to be looked after and loved?

[confusedandemployed]

Everyone has said it for me so no need to add. However...
When I read threads like this I often think that posters are quick to cry 'leave him'!!
Unfortunately, very often a huge back story of emotional, financial and physical abuse eventually appears. I have learnt that the thing which makes someone post in the first place is just the tip of the iceberg. It's easy to spot 'iceberg' posts now and the OP definitely has a large white floaty look about it.
Is this what your situation is like OP?

[pickwickcrocus]

Yes confused I was thinking a very similar thing.

Things like this don't normally spout out of the mouths of otherwise decent, loving and respectful men.

This would be a total deal breaker for me, I'm not sure I could get over being abandoned whilst heavily pregnant and after a scare.

OP I do hope you have some real life support and can make plans. What a horrible and sad situation for you.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Today 06:20 OraProNobis

I can understand that he might find your pregnant body less attractive than your non pregnant body Really? confused Is that really ok? Perhaps it's just me but I find that concept enormously offensive.

It's not pleasant I agree, but what's the alternative? Physical attraction is a mysterious, uncontrollable thing. It doesn't entirely work on logic or reason. Like it or not, for example for some people weight is a factor. I find my DH more attractive without a beard but I don't mind stubble so it's not about being well groomed. I don't think you can expect that a partner will always be attracted to you to exactly the same degree. I would never expect a decent or caring partner to share their views and hurt their partner.

I can also understand that for some men pregnancy means they don't want to have sex with their partner because it's too weird. None of this explains or excuses OP's DH's behaviour.

[Rebecca2014]

Horrible man. You are pregnant for fuck sake.

He sounds the type to leave for a younger woman. How is he going to handle you ageing? Big warning sign there.

[Rebecca2014]

Like other posters have said, I am sure this is not the first time he has said mean things either.

[StellaBelly]

Thanks everyone for your comments- the outpouring of supportive vitriol has made me feel much better! He always says that he's just expressing his opinion and it's my choice to get upset and make a scene because I'm unpleasant, depressed, I have anger issues, and no control over my emotions. (I'm not, I'm not, I don't, and yes I am emotional but not out of control).

I was always naturally pretty enough so never bothered much with grooming- maybe the advantage is wearing a bit with age and I should start, but I kind of feel that ought to be my choice rather than someone else's. He has complained about my looks before and often wants to choose what I wear. He gets moody if I joke about getting fat. Sounds awful (well, it is, and I've told him so - we probably have that fight three or four times a year) but he's not a monster and can be a lot of fun to be around. When we're getting on, which is most of the time, we get along brilliantly.

Even though he's said he doesn't want to be with me any more, I won't be leaving with a baby on the way - its just too much stress to even think about. I'm making a home for myself in the spare room instead and staying out of his way. We'll see what this weekend brings!

And thanks for your concern for the baby- all is fine- no more blood and he/she's kicking up a storm in there! I'm really looking forward to meeting the little bean :)

[Jessicahyde85]

I agree he is a cunt!

[QuietTiger]

Firstly OP, I hope everything is OK with the baby.

As someone who is 33 weeks pregnant (so I really, really sympathise with where you are in pg!) I would be utterly disgusted and horrified if my DH treated me the way yours is, and I would be putting him in his place very soundly and telling him a few home truths. Then I would really have to consider my relationship and where it was going.

Your H is, as many other posters have so eruditely said, an utter, utter cunt and if he's behaving like this now, before a newborn crashes on to the scene, then he's only going to get worse when your focus leaves him altogether and you are concentrating on your new born DC.

You are totally NOT being unreasonable. Your H, however, is a twat of the highest order.

[Titsalinabumsquash]

So he can be abusive under the guise of stating his opinion and it's your fault if you chose to get offended?!

Now for the first time in my Mumsnet history, I'm going to say that, that is a massive red flag.

[StarlingMurmuration]

God, there is little that winds me up more than being told it's my choice to get wound up when someone is being a cunt to me. Does he call a spade a spade as well, OP?

I'm really glad your little one is ok! I do think you should leave your completely shallow cock of a husband though. Or at least put him in the spare room

[LittleBearPad]

He's horrible. I'm sorry OP and I hope that he gives himself a kick up the arse. If he doesn't and carries on like this (post-birth isn't a beauty parade by any means) then do think about what you want from your partner and don't let him make you think his behaviour is reasonable or fair.

[gamerchick]

If he's like this with you now what's he going to be like when you've burst into tears in early newborn days because you've put your arm in the wrong armhole of your dressing gown?

What do you mean you're staying out of his way and making a home in the spare room? You can't live like that for long.. have you support available?

[WalkingInMemphis]

I can understand that he might find your pregnant body less attractive than your non pregnant body

Really? confused Is that really ok? Perhaps it's just me but I find that concept enormously offensive

Why enormously offensive. I'm pretty sure dh found my pregnant body 'less attractive' (I did, why wouldn't he? I didn't glow in pregnancy, I sweated, had greasy hair, spots, stretchmarks and got a bit fat). He would never say it to me, but no one can change how they feel - only how they react to it.

[mamababa]

He sounds controlling to me. I find his behaviour quite alarming.
The episode of telling you you always looks bad, then making out the problem for him going is you because you are too emotional?! Just sounds like a plan to undermine your self-confidence. He likes to choose what you wear generally - sounds like another way to control you, like you are a possession. I fear it will only get worse.

[SunshineAndShadows]

Glad your little one is ok OP
Just a thought. What about your baby? What happens when your child 'chooses' to get upset in response to it's father's dickish behaviour? Will you DC be punished and treated like it's unwanted too?

I understand things are hard but do you really want to be with a man who says he doesn't want you? Who treats you like you're worthless. Who doesn't care that his pregnant partner was bleeding? Could you not call his bluff and go to stay with family/friends for a few days. He needs to make a massive effort to reassure you that you're important to him, and I can't see him doing that whilst you're clinging on in the spare room waiting for him to notice you. He's got you exactly where he wants you

[Only1scoop]

Sounds like he has a controlling streak and you have displeased him....

Please make sure you wear your comfiest baggy leggings and old lady pants and Woolley socks whilst In his company....

[magoria]

The more you say he sounds controlling and abusive. Picks what you wear, says shitty things but it is your fault and you are wrong if you react.

This isn't going to improve after the baby arrives.

It would be easier to move now before it arrives than after when you are sleep deprived, hormonal and stuck.

It is a big step though.

[upyourninja]

OP, I had a bleed at exactly the same stage. 3 year old DD is currently bouncing on my bed shouting 'MUMMY! Let's play bedtimes!!!' Fx for a smooth pregnancy from now on.

As other have said, I'm gobsmacked by your husband's comments. Telling you that is is your choice to be upset by his comments is cold, calculating, demeaning and lacking in respect. I suppose he manages not to tell his boss random, unhelpful, hurtful things in the guise of 'telling it like it is'. Why do you deserve less respect than anyone else?

Whatever your decision, you need to start standing up for yourself and your baby now in the hope that it will shock him into changing.

When the baby arrives and you are learning to her for the baby, your appearance is unlikely to be a priority. You'll be sleep deprived and you'll need a second, supportive, loving opinion about how to cope. Trust me, however hurtful it feels now, it will be so much worse with a newborn around, and very isolating.

Please please please tell your friends, parents, and midwife what you are going through at home. You need an army of lovely people around you to counteract his asshattery.

[waceystills]

He always says that he's just expressing his opinion and it's my choice to get upset

He's gas lighting you.

He is also a massive dick.

[rollonthesummer]

Is he possibly seeing someone else, OP?