Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

[BingBong36]

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

I've been following this thread and i do think you need counselling too. Maybe if DH sees you attending counselling on a weekly basis, he will take your feelings more seriously. Making it clear that you need to see a specialist on an ongoing basis in order to cope with your grief of not having a third child might wake him up a bit.

We tried for a third baby and it was twins. Sadly we lost one but DH was totally on board with having another baby and you can't plan for twins and just accept it. I miss my DC's twin so much.

OP - you need to make peace with yourself before you can honestly talk it through with your husband.

I felt like you op when I had my second. My husband was absolutley adamant that he did not want a third child. He felt that two children were what he could cope with emotionally, financially and what our house could hold. On a practical level I agreed completly with him but on an emotional level I was so upset. I felt like I was grieving for this unknown child. At no point however would I have considered getting pregnant without his consent. I believe our relationship would have struggled far too much and I really felt that the pregnancy would be a stressful experience for all including my two children. I felt also I would always be left wondering if he loved the third child even if he said he did? What if he didn't? What would our family dynamic be like then?

12 years on from my second child I feel my family is complete with two children. The broody feeling passed and I throughly enjoy the company of my 2. I feel that the quality of life we have together is emotionally very good and I am now very glad I did not bring a third child into the family in the circumstances that were there at the time.

Sometimes I wonder if it was just my instinct to reproduce that was overwhelming me - almost as if there was a voice there saying "quick have another one before you hit forty".

This is just my experience and Iappreciate its not the same for everyone.

Am one of 3 stopped at 2. Don't think 3 is a great dynamic tbh my youngest sister always left out has had lasting affect on her. Plus environmentally I couldn't justify it to myself. More than 2 seems greedy to me (I can only say this anonymously sorry I know an unpopular opinion)

Read a beautiful Buddha quote that's helping me ATM about gracefully letting go of things not meant for you.

I felt as you do until several months ago. I had my children 'late' age 38 and 40, both unplanned. But I left their father for safety reasons when they were newborn and toddler.

Age 43 I met someone and became broody for a third baby. We'd discussed it to death. He was childless and now felt too old for children. Then this year I became pregnant whilst on contraception, admittedly I had previously been somewhat lax with it, but the months up to conception I had been using it properly, so it was still a surprise.

Sadly, I 'knew' almost the second I POAS that it wasn't going to live. Funny how that instinct kicks in and I went through an awful miscarriage. The joy of having my longed for third with a man who had also happily accepted the news, was shortlived for barely 3 weeks. That was in July.
Then this month my partner had a heart attack.

I now feel so grateful for what I do have rather than what I don't.
I have one of each variety, they are healthy, my partner is recovering well, and suddenly the idea of risking another miscarriage gods forbid at an even later stage of gestation than mine (approx 8-9 weeks) where there really does recognisably look like a formed baby, I know I couldn't cope with that, as I barely coped with the loss of what to most people would be considered 'just a foetus'.

I put that little foetus in a tiny box and slept with it next to my pillow the first couple of nights, with my finger gently laid on it the first night. You know like when you have your first baby and you want to hold his hand through that first doze together?

I now say to myself that I had three children in my lifetime.

I'm sorry it's not a pleasant story. But it's another outcome to consider I suppose.

Enjoy the next phase of your children growing up and that will eventually begin to take precedence over the desire for a third.
Take care OP

Hello, I'm a long time lurker who registered especially to contribute to this discussion ( HereBeHubbubs, I am so sorry for your loss, and any other PPs who have experienced such sadness. My heart goes out to you )

OP, I agree with those who say that you may indeed have to come to terms with your husband's decision. I'm another one whose DH wanted a third, and I did not.

We were actually going to have three, but we lost DD2's twin to stillbirth so we have two, although I will always say that I have had three children if I'm asked!

You have two delightful, happy, healthy children - do you think you could accept that this is your complete family?

My DH is one of three, which I think may have subconsciously influenced him, whilst I am one of two - likewise. After DD3's death I found out that I have a "hidden" medical condition which could potentially be passed on; this, along with the trauma of DD3's death were deciding factors for me.

Gently, lovingly and kindly DH put forward the idea of "trying again" but I have never wavered once in nearly 12 years and I had to make things crystal clear at that point. It's never been raised since.

As PPs have mentioned, just getting by financially would be exponentially harder with three children as they grow up - people think babies are expensive but nothing compared to teenagers! Even before university (the cost of which I'm having fits over ) everything becomes more expensive in a world made for four. Little things that you wouldn't even think about such as having to pay full price travel fares, the cost of clothing (DD1 is nearly 16 and 5'8" - she wears a ladies' size 10 with 20% VAT added!) food, entertainment, everything.

I'm truly sorry for you, OP because I can imagine how much this must be hurting you but there isn't indeed any compromise. I hope that you and your DH can work through this together.

I'd like 3, but DH wants 2. He's one of 3, I'm one of 2 (but with step siblings).

We currently have 1 son, but lost our first, a daughter, at 3 days old.

We are definitely agreed on trying for another at some point. I keep joking it better be twins then we are both sort of getting what we want!

I don't know if it would make a difference if number two was also a son. If I'd never had a daughter probably not, but having lost a girl, that could be the deciding factor on trying for a third? This is all hypothetical really.

I love my son so much, and if there are no more children, so be it. But I'd love a big family I must admit.

Op, I hope you can resolve things so you can both be happy with the outcome. It's not an easy situation to manage.

Someone I know tricked her husband into a third child. He ended up divorcing her as he just could not cope with her deception and the marriage never recovered.

OP, don't risk the marriage and happy life that you have now for the sake of having another baby.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits, I know someone who divorced for that reason with the first and only child. For every person who it turned out great for, there's another for whom it didn't whether it be strain, breakup or difficulties between the father and child relationship.

Thanks again for your replies and I am sorry for those who have suffered a loss xxx

This thread has helped me so much - people are replying saying they got over it and accepted no more children and were happy, and others saying that they had a third and were happy.

So I guess in conclusion, either way I will be happy but in the meantime I need to just live for today I focus so much on my future and when I think 'I am never going to have another baby' I panic.

I will keep going over this thread when I am feeling low.

Thank you everyone xx

And I know of two marriages that came a cropper because the husband wasn't bothered about children and just didn't want the responsibility. So, I agree, it could go either way. I totally get why the husband just doesn't want the responsibility of another child, because he is a responsible person. Someone who doesn't give a sh*t wouldn't care.

I think if one party doesn't want any children at all, you have to walk away. Its harder to do and a bit selfish to break up an existing family for the sake of non existent children. It seems much harder in that situation because there are no winners.

I think you have hit the nail on the head fancy

I can understand how you feel. I always wanted children , my DH not as keen but prepared to be swayed by me. I have had IVF and lost 5 babies . We have gone on to adopt a little boy at nearly 5 and now 2 years down the line he is our complete joy. Yes there is a teensy tiny part of me that hankers for more children or the chance to have a little girl BUT if that was at the expenses of my darling DS & DH then NO. I love what we have together. I can appreciate how hard it is for you but equally I can understand your husbands perspective on it. I hope you can find the solution that makes you happy going forward. Focus on your lovely two children and your lovely DH.

I am so glad DH said no to a 3rd and had the snip.

DS 8 and dd 5 are now in full time school and its a juggling act especially with both of them having homework and trying to get them to their after school activities, parties and still visiting family and friends.

I couldn't imagine my life now with another child.

I think you should discuss it in full, then if DH is 100% sure he doesn't want no more then to leave the subject alone.

Op I just wanted to say you have my sympathies.

Dh didn't want a 4th. I was heartbroken I was 26 and couldn't imagine never having my own baby in my arms again. It caused many arguments and I was worried at one point that our relationship wasn't going to survive as I was convinced I was going to resent him for evermore - I haven't.

As silly as it sounds I kind of went through a bit of a grieving process. I felt like you - it was the only thing that I was good at and this is what I was put on the earth to do, etc. friends told me just to get pregnant anyway but I couldn't do it. I could not abuse the trust between us as I don't think relationships can come back from that.

6 years on I am over it - kind of. I get broody but another baby would not benefit our family at all. I really enjoy that the children are older and we can just get up and go out, they have started to have a lie on until about 8.30ish on weekends. Bringing another baby in to our family now would just change everything and I don't think for the better.

I hope you can solve this as a couple. Unfortunately I agree with the other posters that the one who doesn't want another kind of wins the argument. As much as that stings and believe me I had some major tantrums about this 6 years ago, it's how it goes.

Did you have another?!

Good luck with finding the answer zombie thread starter.

i kinda wanna know now

My money is on yes, she did have #3

I think what so many pps have said is correct - both parents should want the baby if you have another. It's not fair on the new baba to be unwanted or resented by one of its parents.

Perhaps it's not intended, but some posters seem to scold the OP a bit and I don't think that's really fair. Yeah, money is an issue with kids, but the problem with emotions is that they aren't always governed by fiscal concerns. Yeah man they may have an overdraft, but it would be an oddly cold person whose wish for a baby was entirely contingent on money. It's possible to be a bit stretched and want another child at the same time.

Yanbu. I always wanted at least 3 or 4. I have 5 now. After 5 I felt done and never get broody now. no 5 wasn't exactly planned (long story) but was very wanted. I was keener than DH to hAve a large family but would have been resentful if I hadn't been able to choose.

Zombies

Same situation here but DP knew how desperately i felt and how i would be depressed and regret it for the rest of my life. I realise he put my happiness ahead of his own. But he now has a son as well as 2 dd's. So i don think he regrets it.